StrongerEveryDay Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I wrote to my ex after 3 days of NC, post-breakup. My reaction to the breakup in the moment was awful. I was too drunk at the time, and reacted with truly gross behavior that doesn't feel like "me" I understand everything about the breakup, but needed to do the right thing and send a brief apology, because I believe it is right to apologise for being rude or disrespectful. No response yet, and I don't expect one. I didn't demand that he accept it or forgive me. He has not blocked me on anything. Everything is still fresh. I didn't ask for him back, and I didn't tell him I miss him (which I do). I didn't refer to the relationship. I just apologised, plain as can be. I took responsibility for drinking too much and not having control over my reaction. It was short and to the point. Of course I felt better at first, because I did need to apologise and take responsibility, and I do still believe that when someone is rude to a good person it deserves an apology. But now I feel bad again, and I am confused by this. I really think it's wise to apologise for bad behaviour. Am I the only one who agrees with this? I've seen a few people who say it's good to follow your heart. And I've had it work in both directions. I am definitely sad. It's hard to focus on work, because I work on the internet for a living and I wish I was just able to close all digital tools and walk away for a week. A digital detox of sorts. And of course, I do quietly hope that he does accept the apology, even though I know he owes me little to nothing. At least I said I was sorry, because I am.
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 If you feel better about the apology & don't expect that it will lead to a reconciliation, good for you. It was the right thing for YOU to do. Now you can move forward with a clear conscience. 1
Ducktape Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 While I believe in apologies and being at peace with yourself, I think your situation is tricky. He chose to dump you knowing you were drunk. He put himself in that situation. Also the first sentence of your post made me cringe a bit. "I wrote to my ex after 3 days of NC, post-breakup." Ouch. That's never good. You're still emotional, your head and heart are a mess. You should always wait a little bit, if you really need to send a letter for "closure". Sometimes the need to just vanishes, other times, what you write is definitely not what you would have written back when you were still hurting. Often, people look back at that they wrote to their dumpers right after the break up and they are ashamed of it, they wished they had slept on it a little bit more.
Author StrongerEveryDay Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 I know, I know. One thing I can say is that the note was so bare bones, and strictly an apology, that there's little to regret later. No mention of much more, just the alcohol, and taking responsibility for drinking too much. I just said I drank too much, I'm responsible for that, I reacted badly and was rude, and I'm sorry. ugh. I don't want to regret this but I guess it was stupid. It just seemed like the right thing to do, because nobody deserves to get yelled at when they are merely expressing their truth, and I like him as a person. Then again, you're right, he chose to do that. He couldn't wait for the morning. And so it went awry. Ugh! Now what do I do. Did I screw up by sending the apology?
Ducktape Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Ugh! Now what do I do. Did I screw up by sending the apology? No you didn't! Healing is much more about the journey than the destination. You did what you felt was right at the time. Sure, you may regret it later. But ask yourself this question. If you look back at your life, what are your worst regrets? The things you did, or the things you never did/attempted? Most will answer the things they didn't do. Making "mistakes" (And let's be honest, that's not really one) is part of the process of building yourself an armor and becoming stronger. Be proud of them and learn from those moments! There no shame in kneeling down if it means you'll start running at full speed
Author StrongerEveryDay Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Ducktape - thank you thank you thank you. I do feel good about the apology, because it's ok to apologize if I leave it at that. When I start to spin over and over around how he will or will not respond is when I start to feel sad, because I know I won't hear back. But at least I will always know I took responsibility for bad behavior. And I will do everything I can to not spin around and around. If i can't get comfortable tonight, I'll go to the gym. I'm going to get back to focusing on work (i'm at work right now) and feel ok, because I didn't do anything wrong. I only said I was sorry for doing something wrong - and I am. I'm sorry to myself mostly, because If I hadn't been drinking I would not have behaved so badly when he spoke his mind. I am not feeling like I'm pining, unless I focus on the wrong things. I already know I can't make him miss me, and that wasn't my goal, although of course, because I was the dumpee, I do wish it were the case. I had a lot of trust in him which had been strengthening over 6 months, and when I sobered up on New Year's Day I was still surprised that he initiated the breakup. I still think the right thing to do is to give a sincere apology when I've done something wrong, and the thing I did wrong was drink way way way way too much on New Year's Eve. It was destructive and unsafe, and downright gross. sorry to ramble on. I'm at work, and I feel safe on these anon forums 1
Trimmer Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I wrote to my ex after 3 days of NC, post-breakup. My reaction to the breakup in the moment was awful. I was too drunk at the time, and reacted with truly gross behavior that doesn't feel like "me" I understand everything about the breakup, but needed to do the right thing and send a brief apology, because I believe it is right to apologise for being rude or disrespectful. No response yet, and I don't expect one. I didn't demand that he accept it or forgive me. He has not blocked me on anything. Everything is still fresh. I didn't ask for him back, and I didn't tell him I miss him (which I do). I didn't refer to the relationship. I just apologised, plain as can be. I took responsibility for drinking too much and not having control over my reaction. It was short and to the point. Of course I felt better at first, because I did need to apologise and take responsibility, and I do still believe that when someone is rude to a good person it deserves an apology. But now I feel bad again, and I am confused by this. I really think it's wise to apologise for bad behaviour. Am I the only one who agrees with this? I've seen a few people who say it's good to follow your heart. And I've had it work in both directions. I am definitely sad. It's hard to focus on work, because I work on the internet for a living and I wish I was just able to close all digital tools and walk away for a week. A digital detox of sorts. And of course, I do quietly hope that he does accept the apology, even though I know he owes me little to nothing. At least I said I was sorry, because I am. I have to say, I don't see a real problem or source of regret for a "real" apology, which it sounds like yours was. It seems like you took full responsibility, directly admitted you were wrong (with your behavior) and although you mentioned the alcohol as a factor, if you didn't use that as an excuse, then good for you. Also, it sounds like you didn't use the apology as a lever to try to get something else - start a discussion, ask for him back ("I said I was sorry, now will you consider...") A real apology: say you were wrong, that you regret it, that you take responsibility, and that you are sorry. Don't use it as a lever or a wedge or a negotiating tool. If you did that, then you made a better and more honorable apology than 90% of people usually do. My pet peeve: "I'm sorry, but... " or any similar construct. 1
Trimmer Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 When I start to spin over and over around how he will or will not respond is when I start to feel sad, because I know I won't hear back. But at least I will always know I took responsibility for bad behavior. And I will do everything I can to not spin around and around. If i can't get comfortable tonight, I'll go to the gym. I would try to separate the apology from whatever else is going on with him. Think of it as its own thing - you did it for an important and honorable reason that is a part of your character, and it doesn't have to connect with the rest of the turbulence around the breakup, etc. It seems like you made the apology for the right reason, not expecting anything in response, etc. Just look at it as its own, separate thing, and don't worry about it. You did what you believed was right (and I think you did it well, and with a good mindset...)
Author StrongerEveryDay Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 A real apology: say you were wrong, that you regret it, that you take responsibility, and that you are sorry. Don't use it as a lever or a wedge or a negotiating tool. If you did that, then you made a better and more honorable apology than 90% of people usually do. I really did that! I edited out any of the emo stuff - walked away - took a shower, came back and re-read it to make sure that any excess was gone. I didn't use alcohol as an excuse, but I did take responsibility for drinking too much (i was gross) It was two very short paragraphs, and could have been one. I said: I did this, I take responsibility, and I'm sorry. I didn't say "i hope you will accept...." or anything even like that I didn't say "I miss you" or anything like it. I didn't even say "you don't deserve..." etc - I really just owned it, and apologised for it. That is it! And I don't expect a response. I really meant what I said by apologising but I don't expect a response. It would be a lie to say I wouldn't love to hear from him, but that doesn't mean I expect him to respond or change his mind.
Trimmer Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I really did that! I edited out any of the emo stuff - walked away - took a shower, came back and re-read it to make sure that any excess was gone. I didn't use alcohol as an excuse, but I did take responsibility for drinking too much (i was gross) It was two very short paragraphs, and could have been one. I said: I did this, I take responsibility, and I'm sorry. I didn't say "i hope you will accept...." or anything even like that I didn't say "I miss you" or anything like it. I didn't even say "you don't deserve..." etc - I really just owned it, and apologised for it. That is it! And I don't expect a response. I really meant what I said by apologising but I don't expect a response. It would be a lie to say I wouldn't love to hear from him, but that doesn't mean I expect him to respond or change his mind. Sounds awfully good - I think you eliminated all the usual wishy-washy crap. I forgot about "I hope you will accept..." that's another bad one, isn't it? I hope you did such a good job just because you are naturally intelligent and sensible, not because you have had extensive experience at making apologies!
Trimmer Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 um.... he wrote back. OK - so as much as I would counsel you that it doesn't matter what he said... What did he say?
Elle1975 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I think it's fine to have sent him the apology, since it was not meant to be anything else. Curious, what did he say in his answer?
Author StrongerEveryDay Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 He thanked me for the apology. then he wrote that I'm amazing and wonderful and he's felt awful over the last few days, that he wants to feel love for me, but he can't force it. I have not responded. thoughts?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 He thanked me for the apology. then he wrote that I'm amazing and wonderful and he's felt awful over the last few days, that he wants to feel love for me, but he can't force it. I have not responded. thoughts? a response is a reason why a letter is a bad idea. Now your heart and mind are even more weirded out and you don't know what to do. You said your peace, now let it go. No response, no phone call, no text, nothing!
flitzanu Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 you don't respond. what are you trying to accomplish? your original goal was to send your apology because you felt that's the emotionally responsible thing to do. you did that. he accepted it. any further communication is going to prevent you from healing, and will keep you overanalyzing every single word he says. which in this case, is simple, he said he can't force loving you, which means, he doesn't want to be with you. 1
Elle1975 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 He thanked me for the apology. then he wrote that I'm amazing and wonderful and he's felt awful over the last few days, that he wants to feel love for me, but he can't force it. I have not responded. thoughts? Okay, so he answered, but pretty much said "I know you're awesome, and I know you love me, but I just don't feel the same". So you don't answer. Don't ruin your apology letter by making mistakes such as trying to make him change his mind.
Trimmer Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 He thanked me for the apology. then he wrote that I'm amazing and wonderful and he's felt awful over the last few days, that he wants to feel love for me, but he can't force it. I have not responded. thoughts? You made a concise apology honorably, he responded with thanks and some other extra stuff that indicates that nothing has changed. All good; no reason to respond; don't overthink it; move forward.
Author StrongerEveryDay Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 .....here we go, but..... what about the fact that he says he's felt awful, "I'm the one who is sorry" and that he bolded, underlined, and put into italics "I want to" you're saying this isn't enough of an opening?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 .....here we go, but....wants t about the fact that he says he's felt awful, "I'm the one who is sorry" and that he bolded, underlined, and put into italics "I want to" you're saying this isn't enough of an opening? Once again another reason why letters are an awful idea. You had hidden motives. Stevie Wonder saw that coming a mile away. You're trying to find reasons that are not there. If he wanted you, he'd be with you.
Author StrongerEveryDay Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 I didn't have a hidden motive! My expectation was that he would not respond - not that he would. I was very surprised to see a response. I didn't write his response verbatim here, to remain anonymous. Bottom line is, what is the deal with him emphasizing that he wants to feel it for me? Isn't that what it means to feel something? I do believe that reconciliation can be a good thing at times. When are those times?
kenmore Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 a response is a reason why a letter is a bad idea. Now your heart and mind are even more weirded out and you don't know what to do. You said your peace, now let it go. No response, no phone call, no text, nothing! Agreed. I have been advocating following your heart lately, and I still feel it's best. You will get a lot of crap back and maybe that's a good thing, but if you felt you owed him an apology, then in the long run, you will be able to live with yourself much easier now that you gave him one. Let's face it, yourself is who you must live with now. If you take a hard tack and go all NC to protect your heart against your own judgement then it will fester in you, making you bitter and resentful, and the one you will resent is yourself. You may protect your heart (but let's also face it that it hurts no matter what), but at what cost? That said, many people can't face rejection nor deal with crap back. Every time I tried to communicate with my wife three and four months ago, she bit me. It hurt and I felt bad, but in the end, I knew I was a better person for trying. When this relationship is done and I'm my own self either living alone or looking for new love, I can know in my heart that I tried. The pain will go. In fact, the more they bite, probably the faster it will go. NC will just close the door, and that's right for many people *(I'm not saying it isn't)* I just don't think it's right for me, and there are others who it isn't right for either. People need to figure it out for themselves. From where you are, you apologized, he accepted it...leave it alone for now. You did the right thing. If he can't find it in his heart to "force it" then let that fester in him for awhile. Look cool. It bugs the crap out of them! LOL
Author StrongerEveryDay Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Wow, I'm pathetic! You are all right. All of you. No Contact it is. Regardless of what I believe or think or know, he will have to figure it out for himself. Meanwhile, I've got myself to work on. I'm going to keep coming back here instead of doing something stupid. There is nothing I can possibly say that will be helpful to anyone.
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I do believe that reconciliation can be a good thing at times. When are those times? After a loooong time apart (months / years). After you both have grown into different people. After you both have put in some serious work at fixing your own flaws individually. And not a moment before....
Trimmer Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 .....here we go, but..... what about the fact that he says he's felt awful, "I'm the one who is sorry" and that he bolded, underlined, and put into italics "I want to" you're saying this isn't enough of an opening? Of course he feels bad. Even a dumper (if he's a human being) will feel bad when he walks away from a relationship. These are the kinds of things you say to try to make someone else feel better, to make yourself feel a little less guilty, but they are still code words, just as much as "I love you, but I'm not in love with you..." I want to feel love for you (translation: but I don't ) I can't force it (translation: don't ask me, because I'm not likely to change.) It is covered in a shiny wrapper that sounds great, and for a moment it fools you into thinking there's something special inside, but when you unwrap it, it still leaves you in the same place: I don't love you, and I don't see that changing. (I'm being blunt for clarity, not to be mean...) 2
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