srah Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 My boyfriend and I were together for 6 months. He is 40 and I am 35. We had ups and downs but I felt love for him for the past 3 months and there were many times I believe he felt it for me too. Once I thought he whispered it to me but I wasn't sure that's what he said so I never commented on it. I wanted to wait for him to say it first so that he wouldn't feel any pressure. This past month over the holiday season we have had many small irritations and annoyances with each other. We fought every couple weeks (usually about something callous and unthoughtful that he said while in group company) and sometimes he would say "This isn't working out." and then after talking, cuddling, etc. we would work it out. He never brought up the idea of it not working out and when I asked if things were okay or if he wanted to talk about the issues, he said he didn't feel like talking. I believe that a lot of the stress in our relationship was a) the holiday season b) his time off work and us spending up to 6 days a week together and c) my struggles with finding a new job after being laid off a few weeks ago. He was always very giving with his time and space. We saw each other all the time and I had a key to his house and clothes stored there. We went out New Year's Eve and had a great time (although he says I got annoyed with him at one point--I don't remember). It was a long car ride home and I got sick in the car. I was semi-conscious and hardly able to move and he was angry with me for getting sick. (For the record I never drink to this extent and it was a case of the party starting very early in the evening. I never drink more than 2 drinks so alcohol issues is not a problem.) In the morning I woke up and offered to clean up his car. After doing that he still seemed upset and I asked if he was angry. Then he said this relationship had run it's course and that me getting sick in the car had sealed it for him. He said he was upset with me for not waking up sooner in the morning to clean his car. I was really blindsided by this because we had been at several social events earlier in the week and had a great time with his friends--many of his friends thought I was the best girlfriend he's ever had. I told him that if he wanted to end things that was his decision. But I also told him that I loved him. He asked why I was telling him that now and not a week ago. I told him it was because I didn't want to put any pressure on him and I felt like now was the time to just tell him and be honest. I said that it's hard for me to express my feelings and he said it was hard for him too. I think he felt pressure to respond because he said he loved me as a person but not a partner. I grabbed some of my things and left because I did not want him to see my break down and cry. I told him when I left that I thought we could work through things and be stronger. Now 2 days later I had to stop by his house to get my coat and we talked for 2 hours. He presented a litany of small concerns he had about the relationship--but he mainly said that he didn't trust that I really loved him. He said he thinks I will forget him in a month or two. He downplayed the whole relationship. I asked "What if I had told him I loved him a week ago?" and he insinuated that we would still be together. Basically he made a snap decision to break up with me while under the influence of alcohol and while seeing me sick in his car. He said once he made the decision he couldn't go back on it. I told him that it didn't have to be all or nothing--we could take a short time off, see each other less, re-evaluate the relationship, talk things through, etc. He also said he didn't trust me because he thought maybe our relationship is one of convenience for me (he is very well paid at his job) and I am underemployed right now. I told him that I would never date anyone for money and that that had nothing to do with my feelings for him. But he is suspicious of me about this and it drives me crazy that he thinks this. He seems committed to the break up mainly because he is stubborn and once he makes a decision he doesn't back off. He said nothing would change his mind. But then after talking for a while he said he had a lot to think about. But he is very very stubborn and he sees things in black and white a lot of the time while I am a more nuanced thinker. So frustrating. I want him to believe that I really love him. Is that possible? What do I do? He even said one reason he didn't believe that I love him is because I didn't cry when he broke up with me. I told him it's because I didn't want to make a scene and be a mess in front of him. I don't want this relationship to be completely over. I want us to be able to give it a chance and see if we could work out our minor differences. There is a lot of affection there are we both worked really hard to make the relationship work--he said he's worked harder on this relationship than any other. What are my best options? What should I do?
Author srah Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 My boyfriend of 8 months broke up with me less than a week ago in a heated moment of frustration. During the break up I told him I love him which I had never told him before. He asked why I hadn't told him a week ago? Why now? I told him I didn't want to pressure him with a response. He is extremely stubborn and also a black and white thinker. He said later that he wasn't planning on breaking up but that once he made the decision it was "final." I spoke with him 2 days later when I picked up some things at his house. We spoke for 2 hours about issues in the relationship. He had a lot of (petty) complaints but his main concerns seemed to be that a) he didn't believe I really loved him and b) he feels like maybe he is being taken advantage of financially (this is totally NOT the truth but I can see how he would feel this way.) I told him about a lot of the things I would change and be willing to do. I said a lot of our issues were communication and that couldn't we try again even if just for a little while? He then went from saying it was final to saying that he had a lot to think about and that he would get back to me about it. I am not expecting any contact from him for a while. But I do have to pick up a lot of clothes, etc. at his house in a week or 2. I want to leave a hand-written letter when I leave. I know that a lot of second chance letters are supposed to just agree with the breakup. But what if your partner doesn't believe that you really love them? What if they are incredibly insecure? What do I write then?
The Poster Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 People here will flame me for saying this because it goes against most of their beliefs, but I'm still a big supporter of following your heart and doing what you feel is right. Just know the risks going in. It might not work but at least you won't have regrets. Take a swing if you want to. The only advice I's give is to give it more time so the smoke can clear and you have your mind right.
Jenmarie Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I wouldn't leave him a hand written letter anytime soon. The break up is stilll fresh and raw. Emotions are running high right now. It's expected for you to act on your emotions right now. However, this relationship is important to you. Right? You shouldn't base off a decision when it comes to something important to you when your emotions are running high. I was in the same boat as you. I wanted to send my ex (well boyfriend now, we got back together) something when we broke up. He broke up with me after a 2 1/2 year relationship and I was completely lost. I wanted to write him a letter, but I knew, I shouldn't speak to him when I'm hurting because I can't really talk logically and rationally. So I waited, talked to him when I wasn't hurting as much anymore. It was easier for both of us to communicate and it really went a lot smoother rather than a sad letter or false hopes. I think you should follow your heart, but use your brain first. You need to heal and get your emotions together first. Don't rush into it. Ask yourself how you're feeling each week. You'll eventually know when you're ready. 1
Holmes85 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 He is extremely stubborn and also a black and white thinker. He said later that he wasn't planning on breaking up but that once he made the decision it was "final." If I get this correct, he basis his decisions based on what he's feeling "at the moment" and when it's "final", its done, doesn't matter if he's right or wrong, its just..Final. He had a lot of (petty) complaints but his main concerns seemed to be that a) he didn't believe I really loved him and b) he feels like maybe he is being taken advantage of financially (this is totally NOT the truth but I can see how he would feel this way.)I have to ask, how old is your boyfriend? These are the responses I expect from a teenager. I want to leave a hand-written letter when I leave. You have tried to convince him beforehand, nothing worked for you, what is a hand-written letter going to change? Although let me tell you if you proceed with sending the handwritten letter what is likely to happen: 1. He would get an ego boost. 2. He would also lose respect for you, he would be like "I am pushing this girl away that I don't want her, here she is pleading and begging", which would push him further away. If you want my advice, you have to do the complete opposite of what you are doing right now 1. Remove him from everywhere, social media websites, his phone number, everything. 2. Don't text him, let him initiate the text, if he texts don't be in a hurry to reply them, take an hour or two to reply back and write short sentences. 3. If he asks you why are you being this way, you have to be confident and reply "You broke up with me, why do you keep texting me, it's over, we both should move on". After that you start avoiding his attempts to contact you, you do not break your silence, I repeat you don't budge unless he wants to have a chance at reconcilation, even then keep your cool and tred on lightly, don't jump on it, take your time.
barky2 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 With all due respect , it'll go against " most of our beliefs " because we've been there and done that. And we know the outcome. Op, I would highly suggest you don't send a letter. It makes you look needy, and guys ill be honest, will look and be like " look what this crazy girl sent me". The best thing you can do, it fake it till you make it. Go out and party with your friends, enjoy yourself. Exs don't want to see you happy. I was the master at game playing, until I realized it didn't make a bit of difference. Begin your healing stages and move on. You'll choose what you want, but please don't send him a letter. I can promise you now, you won't get what you're looking for. Barky 2
Ieris Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I think sending him a letter might make him feel guilty but you don't want someone to come back to you for that reason because it will just end again shortly. My brother, my cousins and male mates have shown me letters and gifts that their "crazy exes" have sent them to get them back and they just laugh. So I agree with barky2 that it'll only make you look needy and undesirable. 1
Author srah Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 What about the fact that he really may not believe that I love him? He told me that he doesn't think that what I feel for him is love and that he thinks at best it's fondness and at worst it's a convenient relationship for me. (He has money issues and has thought women dated him for his money in the past.) That is absolutely NOT how I feel about him. I love him. He may have told me he loved me a few weeks ago but it was a whisper and I couldn't tell so I didn't reply. I feel like this is a little different than the standard break up issue. No?
erklat Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 As always letter is tragically bad idea that never brought anyone their desired outcome.
samaraa Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 OP, I take it this the same guy from your November post? If so, I'd take the breakup as a blessing and move on. But directly to this thread: He'd already been saying things weren't working out. When you previously attempted to talk about this, he declined. If he wants to break up, fair enough. But not giving you opportunity to address and discuss his concerns beforehand, then throwing things in your face--ouch. Perhaps his 'you don't love me' claim is a way to make himself feel better about dumping you. He broke up with you. Take that for what it is. He said point blank that the relationship "had run it's course." Don't drop by his place or leave him a letter. I wouldn't contact him at all. If he messages you to talk & you want to talk too, okay, but I don't think you should plead about loving him or wanting to be with him. I recommend focusing on yourself & moving on.
Itspointless Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 He also said he didn't trust me because he thought maybe our relationship is one of convenience for me (he is very well paid at his job) and I am underemployed right now. [...] What are my best options? What should I do? Wow that is a harsh insult. Do you really want to be with someone who is capable of such distrust? Makes you wonder about the things he does to people. 1
Diezel Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Let him go, he doesn't know what he wants. On the contrary, he knows exactly what he wants. He doesn't want to be with her and is using every single "reason" (AKA Excuse) to throw at her for him not to be with her. Whether it's the money, the drinking, the time they spend together, etc, etc, etc... He threw everything but the kitchen sink. Both of them need to just step away from each other. As a last ditch effort to keep around someone who clearly doesn't want her around, she throws the "L" word at him. It didn't work. He doesn't want her. He might enjoy her company sometimes, but that's about it. He's going to read the letter and either throw it out or respond back with anger. This is not a guy who is going to be broken through to. OP needs to just move on, if she can. 2
Author srah Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Ouch! To be fair, he did whisper he loved me a few weeks ago but at the time I wasn't 100% sure that's what he said so I didn't respond.
Diezel Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 To be fair, he did whisper he loved me a few weeks ago but at the time I wasn't 100% sure that's what he said so I didn't respond. To be fair, if you aren't 100% sure, then you don't really know that's what he whispered.
samaraa Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 OP, please don't second-guess and blame yourself. Don't fixate on not responding when-possibly-not-hearing-his whisper-weeks-ago during which he may or may not have even said what you're speculating. Again: he'd been repeatedly saying things weren't working between the two of you. He said that clearly, out-loud, so you could hear him. And when you attempted to discuss his concerns, he declined. He'd been making "callous and unthoughtful" remarks in company too lately, loudly for all to hear. Now he's said the relationship is over--said it so you could hear him very clearly. The few-weeks-ago-maybe-whisper is irrelevant at this point. Besides, you two were 8 or so months into dating, with a sexual relationship, key to his place, and plenty of your belongings at his home--right? He had all the opportunity to tell you, out-loud so you could hear him, that he loved you. "He even said one reason he didn't believe that I love him is because I didn't cry when he broke up with me." OP, that in itself is sick, and a deranged way to shift the situation. He dumped you, and you didn't cry--so YOU must not LOVE HIM (?!) I think the love issue is a smokescreen, excuse, justification, blame-shifter, etc. Don't concern yourself with his excuses and justifications. And if it's a legitimate reason, if he really believes after all you've shared together that you don't love him, that you're a user, that you're a manipulator, that you're a liar--wow, ok--then do both of you a favor: walk away and move on. 2
Author srah Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 It's been a week since my boyfriend broke up with me on New Year's Day for the dubious reason that I threw up in his car. That morning, before he broke up with me, I saw that his laptop was open and (for the first time ever) looked at his browsing history. It said "Costa Rica Blue Marlin Tours" I had a feeling it wasn't something good but I wasn't sure what it was. (I didn't open up the page.) Last night I was reading an article in GQ about sex trafficking in Costa Rica. The Blue Marlin is the most notorious "hotel" with prostitutes (many trafficked and underaged) for traveling single men. It's the number #1 sex tourism destination in the Western Hemisphere. So now I know....this guy was thinking about going here even before he broke up with me. Sick. It's good to have closure and know that it's not my fault. How would you guys react to this?
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