BlueBelleShell Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) I know when you are married or in a long term relationship you have peaks and valleys. Times when things are on the upswing and times are great and times when things are on the downswing and you don’t want to even be near them or are especially boring. But just under the surface, the loving feeling is there and you can get back to it with a little work, some days a little more work than others. I understand that about LTR’s very well and in my current relationship we had up’s and down’s just like that. This October is 5 years. Since about March of last year I’ve been questioning the depth of my feelings (that’s almost 10 months now) and for the first time in our relationship, I haven’tbeen able to bounce back from it and regain that sense of attachment and true love etc. Im NOT talking about puppy love and butterflies (that goes out the window after like a year or so), I am talking about not being able to regain that general feeling of “love”. Is THAT normal? When I think of our future, I don’t get excited. A few months back he was talking about marriage and I noticed I was very unreceptive and the idea did not excite me and it made me really wonder if I see a future with him. I don’t feel anything when we have sex anymore and I haven’t in a very long time. I do love him, yes, he is a good man. But is this like that old cliché “I love you but im not in love with”? When do you know if its time to throw in the towel (and not live to regret it)? With your husband and wife, when you thought of your future together were you very excited and felt like “yes, this is the one I can see myself with – we get each other, and they’re the right one for me”? Edited January 5, 2015 by BlueBelleShell
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I've been married for 6 years (together for 8). I had an LTR for almost 12 years. Even when I was royally pi$$ed at my partner, I always loved him. I was still generally happy when he walked in the room or smiled at me. Obviously not in the middle of the fight but in general. If you feel disconnected more than connected that is a problem.
Author BlueBelleShell Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 I've been married for 6 years (together for 8). I had an LTR for almost 12 years. Even when I was royally pi$$ed at my partner, I always loved him. I was still generally happy when he walked in the room or smiled at me. Obviously not in the middle of the fight but in general. If you feel disconnected more than connected that is a problem. Yeah, sometimes I do feel like there is a connection that is lacking and that is maybe why I don't feel anything emotional during sex. It doesn't stir me at all. The body doesnt lie, right? I want a deep soulful connection and I imagine it with other men. But he is still a great guy. Maybe the deep, soulful connection is what is missing. I don't know if we ever had it. I fell in love with him because of physical attraction (I crushed on him a long time before we dated) and he was a good man who treated me well but I can't honestly say I feel like we have a soul connection. But is that enough of a reason to throw in the towel? Am I wanting too much?
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 The deep soulful connection is a myth. It only exists in romance movies & books. If he's a good guy, if he holds your interests, & if you generally find him sexy / desirable, you have more than most. If you want the stuff romance novels are made of, read or write one. That's the only place it exits. 4
xxoo Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 It's been over 20 years for us, and I still feel that tug of being in love. I crave his smell, his embrace, his touch, and intimacy is deeply satisfying (beyond the physical). I do feel that "soul" connection, whatever it is. It may be just deep, mutual gratitude. In fact, it's very possible that's what it is. I get mad at him, too, of course! And irritated and annoyed and all that. But I don't think I've ever gone a whole day without feeling that deep swelling of gratitude and love. 5
Author BlueBelleShell Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 The deep soulful connection is a myth. It only exists in romance movies & books. If he's a good guy, if he holds your interests, & if you generally find him sexy / desirable, you have more than most. If you want the stuff romance novels are made of, read or write one. That's the only place it exits. Right. Than what is a "connection"? What is missing that I feel disconnected? Does anyone even know what causes the feeling of being disconnected in a relationship? I can't put my finger on it. I THINK it's missing a spiritual element. Or maybe its something else. I am just trying to figure out why when he talks about marriage, I recoil.
xxoo Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Right. Than what is a "connection"? What is missing that I feel disconnected? Does anyone even know what causes the feeling of being disconnected in a relationship? Do you take him for granted? Believe you could find better? Grass is greener?
central Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Has anything significant changed in the last 10 months. For example, going on or off hormonal birth control? That can affect attraction for good or ill, depending. If there is nothing much different, at best you can try to rekindle the love and some passion, and if that fails, you have a hard choice to make.
d0nnivain Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I do feel connected to my husband, like we're a team. I felt secure in my EX's love for me. I wasn't questioning everything. I felt cared for, cherished & loved. I did have that soul thing once where I thought he could see into my soul / heart. I was very wrong on that one & he turned out to be kind of a jerk.
FitChick Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Do they still have weekend seminar for couples where you learn to rekindle the relationship?
Author BlueBelleShell Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 No, not grass is greener or anything of the like. We have been together 5 years, lots of ups and downs and I have been through all of those things before and gotten past them. 5 years is a long time. We had moments of lost passion and we re-gained it. This is outside of those normal up and down scopes of a LTR - it's been 10 months. When do you know if someone ISN'T the one? When he talks about marriage and you feel like you're not excited to share your life with them? How do you know when someone isn't the one?
melodymatters Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 No, not grass is greener or anything of the like. We have been together 5 years, lots of ups and downs and I have been through all of those things before and gotten past them. 5 years is a long time. We had moments of lost passion and we re-gained it. This is outside of those normal up and down scopes of a LTR - it's been 10 months. When do you know if someone ISN'T the one? When he talks about marriage and you feel like you're not excited to share your life with them? How do you know when someone isn't the one? All we ever know is what someone writes here and you clearly are NOT excited about marrying this guy so for one thing, DON'T PLAN A WEDDING. Can you talk to him about your feelings ? Not " I don't think you're the one" but more like " I don't want our relationship to get stale and blah, lets come up with ideas to reinvigorate it ! " and see what his responses are. How old are you and how long have you been together ? If this is your fist serious LTR it's very common to outgrow that " One" because you both have become such very different people. A LOT of those marriages happen simply because of expectations and do not end well. More info OP !
Author BlueBelleShell Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 All we ever know is what someone writes here and you clearly are NOT excited about marrying this guy so for one thing, DON'T PLAN A WEDDING. Can you talk to him about your feelings ? Not " I don't think you're the one" but more like " I don't want our relationship to get stale and blah, lets come up with ideas to reinvigorate it ! " and see what his responses are. How old are you and how long have you been together ? If this is your fist serious LTR it's very common to outgrow that " One" because you both have become such very different people. A LOT of those marriages happen simply because of expectations and do not end well. More info OP ! Ah. Let's see....we met when I was 20. I crushed on him hardcore for a year and half until we finally started dating and from then on we have been together. So, I have been with him since I was 22 and I am 27 now. Yes, he is my first long-term boyfriend. We have been living together for 3 years. When I met him, I had a HUGE crush on him for a long time. When we finally started dating, I never felt like we truly "connected" - the first couple years were rocky - but I was very physically attracted to him (I still think he is very handsome) and he treated me really well. That's why I fell in love. The first time he said I love you to me, I did not love him back. Our love grew over time. We never had crazy, passionate, intense sex (I had that with someone else before him, so I know the difference). So, its safe to say I fell in love with him for the *right* reasons and not influenced by total mind-blowing sex. But years later I feel like something is missing. And maybe it was that "connection" I overlooked not having in the beginning. I don't know. 1
xxoo Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 No, not grass is greener or anything of the like. We have been together 5 years, lots of ups and downs and I have been through all of those things before and gotten past them. 5 years is a long time. We had moments of lost passion and we re-gained it. This is outside of those normal up and down scopes of a LTR - it's been 10 months. When do you know if someone ISN'T the one? When he talks about marriage and you feel like you're not excited to share your life with them? How do you know when someone isn't the one? What do you mean by ups and downs? Life threw obstacles at you and you worked hard to overcome them together? (those sorts of things tend to bring us closer) Or times when you or your partner caused problems, creating resentments? If you don't feel a strong YES!, don't marry.
Author BlueBelleShell Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Ah. Let's see....we met when I was 20. I crushed on him hardcore for a year and half until we finally started dating and from then on we have been together. So, I have been with him since I was 22 and I am 27 now. Yes, he is my first long-term boyfriend. We have been living together for 3 years. When I met him, I had a HUGE crush on him for a long time. When we finally started dating, I never felt like we truly "connected" - the first couple years were rocky - but I was very physically attracted to him (I still think he is very handsome) and he treated me really well. That's why I fell in love. The first time he said I love you to me, I did not love him back. Our love grew over time. We never had crazy, passionate, intense sex (I had that with someone else before him, so I know the difference). So, its safe to say I fell in love with him for the *right* reasons and not influenced by total mind-blowing sex. But years later I feel like something is missing. And maybe it was that "connection" I overlooked not having in the beginning. I don't know. I also wanted to note that my parents like my boyfriend a lot as person, but have said to me (in private) they aren't sure he is the one for me. Maybe they see something that I don't. But I don't know how much stock to take into parents view - they're not the ones living the relationship.
Author BlueBelleShell Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) What do you mean by ups and downs? Life threw obstacles at you and you worked hard to overcome them together? (those sorts of things tend to bring us closer) Or times when you or your partner caused problems, creating resentments? If you don't feel a strong YES!, don't marry. Well he used to have a terrible drinking problem and would come home after being out drinking and say pretty abusive things to me. It happened a few too many times and he went into therapy, which I fully supported, to get his issues sorted out (he had an alcoholic father). He was extremely remorseful and it has not happened in almost 3 years. So that was a big thing. I was also with him when his father died. That was big as well. We also had a miscarriage together. Another huge thing. So we've been through things together and also just the general up and downs (boring phases, arguing phases etc.) Edited January 5, 2015 by BlueBelleShell
xxoo Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Well he used to have a terrible drinking problem and would come home after being out drinking and say pretty abusive things to me. It happened a few too many times and he went into therapy, which I fully supported, to get his issues sorted out (he had an alcoholic father). He was extremely remorseful and it has not happened in almost 3 years. So that was a big thing. I was also with him when his father died. That was big as well. We also had a miscarriage together. Another huge thing. So we've been through things together and also just the general up and downs (boring phases, arguing phases etc.) Be honest....is the alcohol problem truly resolved? Substance abuse is a relationship killer. Did you ever develop any sort of passion in your intimacy? None in the beginning, none now...if there was never any, how do you feel about never having any passionate sex, ever? When the kids come and life gets complicated, sex is a major source of fun, stress relief, and "glue" for the couple. If you don't have that with each other, it's could be a long road. And you will likely meet someone along the way that feels like a "soul mate", and it's going to be very tempting if you never had that with your partner.
Gottabestrong Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 From what you write I think you know that he is not 'the one', however you want to define that. Yes, ups and downs are standard, but 10 months is a long time to not feel romantic love anymore. I believe there is such a thing as 'falling out of love' especially if you got together initially due to mere physical attraction and nothing deeper than that. If you don't feel love for him anymore, I think you owe it to him and yourself to talk to him about it and see if he feels the same. If the feelings are gone, than I don't think you are doing either of you a favour to extend a relationship that is not going anywhere. Good luck either way! 2
Author BlueBelleShell Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Be honest....is the alcohol problem truly resolved? Substance abuse is a relationship killer. Did you ever develop any sort of passion in your intimacy? None in the beginning, none now...if there was never any, how do you feel about never having any passionate sex, ever? When the kids come and life gets complicated, sex is a major source of fun, stress relief, and "glue" for the couple. If you don't have that with each other, it's could be a long road. And you will likely meet someone along the way that feels like a "soul mate", and it's going to be very tempting if you never had that with your partner. Yes, swear on my grandparents grave that it hasn't happened since. The therapy was months long and he took it seriously. I did meet a guy once who I sensed a connection with but I cut if off quickly because my feelings were starting to grow. But the fact that it even happened (this was 2 years ago) I knew at the time was kind of a sign, but I chalked it up and just a regular, old crush. Hmm...yes, I had moments of passion when we had sex but it was nothing like the passion I had with a previous guy before him who I CRAVED his sex. The sexual chemistry was off the charts and natural. My current bf and I never had sexual chemistry that blew my mind. It's not like the sex is bad, he's actually really good in bed. But girls need to FEEL something in addition (and I guess guys too). It has been a long time since we had sex and it re-kindled my emotions or closeness to him.
Author BlueBelleShell Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Anybody else is LTR or a marriage that has some experience with this...?
Els Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 No, not grass is greener or anything of the like. We have been together 5 years, lots of ups and downs and I have been through all of those things before and gotten past them. 5 years is a long time. We had moments of lost passion and we re-gained it. This is outside of those normal up and down scopes of a LTR - it's been 10 months. I've been in my LTR for about the same duration as you - and I agree that what you are describing is far beyond the normal peaks and valleys. I have not experienced anything like it - 10 months is a long time! Has nothing changed in your R? Is there anything he can do to work on your R with you?
Author BlueBelleShell Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 How do you know when someone isn't the one?
xxoo Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 How do you know when someone isn't the one? Trust that, if he were the one, it would be clear to you. If it isn't clear at this point, he's not the one. 1
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