Johnson1 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 My girlfriend of two months, a cute biker chick who claims she loves me and is the only man she'll ever want and wants to spend the rest of her life with me and is coming to live with me in 2 weeks has a few guy friends she stays in contact with. She knows MANY people and has been a biker chick her whole life. She's gotten sick of the biker community and all the drama that goes with it, but it's her life and she's still very much a part of it because these people are all she knows. These guy friends, some of whom are ex lovers, she keeps in contact with either through text or calling. There's this one that she lived with a few years ago (a 350 lb, bald, overweight biker guy) who came back into her life recently. She's always kept in contact with him, but hasn't seen him much in the last several months until now. They both claim that their relationship is purely plutonic and has become a 'father and daughter' type relationship. He helped her through a rough period when she would've ended up living on the street and has helped her monetarily. She still owes him money and is currently under his phone plan and he pays for her cable (she pays him back each month). The guy praises our relationship and tells her 'she' better take care of me and he likes our pictures of her and I together. She tells me he's pushing 60 and has a thing for young, thin girls, which she is (she's 36). She tells him he's never going to get that and not to dwell on looks. Since all her friends (including him) are in the biker commmunity, we see all of them out and about (like every other weekend). The last time her and I saw him was last Friday night where my brothers band was playing. Anyway, there was this problem that arose earlier that night between my brother and his girlfriend and this biker guy, both of whom know him and are friends with him on FB. There was an issue over a text he sent my brothers girlfriend about him 'being there for her if she needed to talk'. Both my brother and his girlfriend took it the wrong way according to what my girlfriend says because she says she knows him and his ways and doesn't mean any harm and that he's just very good hearted and cares about people. So when we went to leave the pub she said, I'm going to say say goodbye to ****, then she went to walk away and then quickly changed her mind and said, 'you want to come over with me?' , to which I did. When we talking to him I noticed her talking to him about the situation and telling him he's not going to get the kind of girl he's looking for and how what he said can been seen as taken the wrong way. Anyway, there was some lightheartedness going on with her towards him whhere she would poke and prod and him to play around with him (maybe because she felt bad about having to play referee between my bro and his girlfriend. I felt there was a little too much lightheartedness on her part though. She kept talking to him after I tried to subtley pull her away to leave (twice). She kissed him on the lips to say goodbye (which I didn't appreciate too much. She claims that she was going to kiss him on the cheeck but that 'he' turned his head at the last second, but that's not what I saw and I was standing right there. My problem with this guy is why it's so important that he stay in her life. I'm thinking he could be playing the 'nice' card to try to win back her affections. I could be wrong about it all, but something about their closeness and how they are together is concerning. She VERY defensive of him and has gotten angry with me over the fact that I find it hard to have trust in her with him. I told her I'm split down the middle in my mind as to how they can go from lovers to father and daughter type relationship. I want to believe its that way, but there's the 1% shred of doubt. Maybe if she wasn't so playful with him when she's around him. I know she cares a lot about him. She shows me her text conversations with him and has even had him on speaker when he called a couple of times. Under no circumstances will she ever let go of this guy. He told her he's putting her in his will. I don't know how to feel about the situation. She's told me she would move out of state (even out of the country) with me and leave everything behind, that's how much she loves me, but there are times when she is very distant and none talkative with me, that's where the doubt comes in in my mind about her talking with him on the phone. She says there would NEVER be anything between her and he. Tell me what you think. Should I be concerned. Thanks.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Under no circumstances will she ever let go of this guy. He told her he's putting her in his will she loves me, but there are times when she is very distant and none talkative with me, that's where the doubt comes in in my mind about her talking with him on the phone. Dude... have a word with yourself. She's already made it clear, that she will choose her friendship/relationship with this guy over you. It's not up for debate. You've been around what, 8 weeks? He's been around for years. And is leaving her money. Why do you want to be with her when she's made clear she doesn't prioritise your feelings or wishes for the relationship? I don't know anyone who'd be okay with their partner kissing an ex on the lips right in front of them. Why are you thinking of letting a girl you've been with 8 weeks move in with you, when there are times (in those short TWO MONTHS) that she's been distant and non talkative, things haven't been right between you? She doesn't sound like the most stable character, having been homeless and had to rely on friends to bail her out. I know bad stuff does happen to people and I'm not judging someone who ends up in that situation as a person, I'm just saying as a potential life partner shouldn't you be a bit more choosy about who you let move in after weeks? 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 By the way... you shouldn't have to 'COMBAT' her ex lover. This isn't Scott Pilgrim vs The World. A good relationship candidate can manage her own relationships with her friends and ex-lovers appropriately, ensuring that they don't damage her blossoming relationship. That's what most of us do. I would be mortified if my boyfriend felt any need to go head to head with an ex of mine, I would wonder what I was seriously doing wrong in the relationship for him to feel he had to bypass me and get involved like that. The fact that you see it in that manner is concerning, signals maybe that you don't trust her to sort things out herself, so you want to wade in and fix things, protect her as your partner, etc... if she's acting decently and respectfully there should never be a reason or a need for you to have anything to do with this guy in a negative manner. 1
preraph Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 This is probably not the girl for you. She has a sort of family in this biker community and I can relate to that because I've had some alternative families too, a commune gang in hippie days and a music gang in later days. In both I had attachments that were unconventional and yet innocent, not to say something couldn't develop. You are either going to have to be part of this community and get in there so you understand the dynamics or not do this.
Author Johnson1 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) Dude... have a word with yourself. She's already made it clear, that she will choose her friendship/relationship with this guy over you. It's not up for debate. You've been around what, 8 weeks? He's been around for years. And is leaving her money. Why do you want to be with her when she's made clear she doesn't prioritise your feelings or wishes for the relationship? I don't know anyone who'd be okay with their partner kissing an ex on the lips right in front of them. Why are you thinking of letting a girl you've been with 8 weeks move in with you, when there are times (in those short TWO MONTHS) that she's been distant and non talkative, things haven't been right between you? She doesn't sound like the most stable character, having been homeless and had to rely on friends to bail her out. I know bad stuff does happen to people and I'm not judging someone who ends up in that situation as a person, I'm just saying as a potential life partner shouldn't you be a bit more choosy about who you let move in after weeks? Maybe so. I'm still trying to decide and just keep my eyes and ears open. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. She's been extremely adamant, and trying to come of as forcefully sincere to try to convince me that she would never do anything with him. I can't prove she would do anything at this point, but I know a lot of women in this kind of money situation would. She texts the guy almost every day, but we only see him out at the bars maybe once or twice a month but that wouldn't stop her from making arrangements to have sex with him on the side once in a while to keep him happy. I'm not with her 24/7. Edited January 7, 2015 by Vocals5
Poppygoodwill Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Listen, if you really think she might be capable of sleeping with him on the side out of gratitude for his support and generosity -- then you should NOT be moving in with this woman. YOu either don't know her well enough - and you're slandering her reputation for no good reason. Or you've got enough evidence to suggest it's possible and you shouldn't move in with anyone who would do that. So which is it? Bottom line: you've got to trust her until she gives you reason not to. That said, you can still draw some line sin teh sand for her. Asking her to stop seeing a friend is not reasonable given what you've told us. Asking her to reserve kissing on the lips for you, her partner, is reasonable. RElationships are all about boundaries and negotiations. So set your terms and let her set hers. Sounds like if you're serious about her, given her friends, you've got to sort this stuff out early on in your relationship or it'll be a problem all the time.
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