batt Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 The way that child ended things why am I still feeling like crap? I was always there to tell her to stop being a pessimistic bitch about everything. People telling me to extend an olive branch to her, others telling me I need to purge her out of my mine. Why am I even considering writing her a letter even after she wouldn't even give me 5 minutes of her time. Why am I the one paying for her inability to communicate? I should have stayed the **** away when she told friends she was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.
dyna85 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Dude.. I know how you feel. I don't know the full cirumstances surrounding the 'ending' you experienced, but I was left high and dry. No closure. He was cold as ice and I'm so upset about it. You're right.. it's an inability to communicate. If she wouldn't give you 5 minutes of your time, I would strongly resist writing her, as it's very likely to cause you more pain. If she was discourteous to you once, don't give her the opportunity to do it again. It's unlikely she will suddenly wake up with a full, open, and kind heart. I know it hurts like hell, but I swear, I think closure will come with time. I totally scorn myself too for not staying away and feel such rage lately it's not even funny. Then again, I think there's a reason for this experience, this suffering. Be kind to yourself and stay away. Trust me. The pain you feel away from her mess is better than the feelings you'll experience if you keep pursuing someone who isn't capable of treating you with care. It will only get worse if you keep in contact. I promise you this. Promise. At least, it's that way in my situation. As much as it KILLS me to not receive the closure/respect I asked for, I refuse to put myself in the lion's den again. Save the pride/dignity you have left and you will thank yourself later. Don't give her anything further. She doesn't deserve it if she's not willing to consider your feelings.
Author batt Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 She basically dumped me via a video game. Not even a text, not voicemail, not even a post it, but over a damn video game. Didn't even have the courage to do it in person. I got no closure, I had absolutely no say. Bam, I don't wish to date you anymore. Its been a month and I'm still fuming. Part of me wants to wish her well, the other part wants her to rot in the hell she creates for herself.
dyna85 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Well you are not alone. He dumped me via text and when I asked why in a response text.. it went ignored. No response at all. I never thought he would do this, particularly since he told me a girl vanished on him in the past, and I can only imagine he understands the impact of lack of closure. It's been 2 weeks for me and I'm fuming too. I agree with the mixed emotions. It's so frustrating and hurtful and amazing how people can be so cold and cruel... and cowardly. Like, in my case, any explanation would have done. Hell, I'd even have taken one of the standard cliches, 'it's just not meant to be' or 'it's not you, it's me.' Anything over silence and no explanation. It's such a lack of respect and consideration and it conjures up all of these crazy emotions and questions. It's taken quite a toll on me emotionally too. I'm getting like eczema rashes on my arms and legs -- I think due to the stress of it. Haven't been sleeping well either. Don't have much of an appetite. Having trouble coping with the cold shoulder. I just feel so tossed aside and disposable and unworthy of even a freaking crumb of closure. It's such misery. I keep waiting on a response too... like hoping and praying for one, just to feel somewhat empowered... but I know the chances are slim and it's like, the more time that passes, the worse it feels, because if they couldn't give a response within a day or two, it just shows their true character and it's the biggest let down ever. My heart could not be more crushed, so I feel your pain.
Author batt Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 These people deserve all thats happened to them. In situations like these I think it may be best to not get a response as much as we want to hear from them again. I mean how would you respond? I would probably give her a bigger piece of my mind than I already did.
dyna85 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I hear you. I know.... I don't know what I'd do if he sent something at this point. I know it's not likely, but still, the effect of being blown off is real. In my final message, I was pretty diplomatic but still seeking an explanation. It was tactful. Knowing him though, he always seemed to go silent when any semblance of conflict arose, so I can't say it's totally out of the norm -- this behavior -- the 'silent treatment' I suppose you could call it, in a way, but at the same time, I did think in this case he'd have the decency to man up and show some sort of respect, since he was ending it. The fact that he ignored me completely and cut me off so coldly speaks so loudly to me of his disrespect and lack of consideration for me. Such a bitter pill. The more distance I get from it, the more pissed off I become. At first, it was just deep pain, because I opened up my heart to him and thought he did care deep down, even though I knew he was somewhat guarded from past heartache. It was just a feeling in my gut that we knew each other and he truly did care for my feelings. Turns out he really didn't give a crap. My trust is hard-earned, or so I thought. Rarely do I let my guard down and open up. It's been so very long, which makes this that much more disappointing. It's like, the one time I think I got something, it turns to crap and I'm left scratching my head, like..really? This person is not who I thought he was... 1
dyna85 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Did this girl give any indication from her past behavior that she could do something like this? Did she ever avoid conflict previously? Go silent when confronted for any reason? I feel like in my case it's a mixture between him blowing me off and leaving me hanging... like he thinks I'm going to come back for more punishment or he thinks the door is left open by not responding. That part really annoys me. Also... he had this tendency sometimes to push/pull, which really got frustrating toward the end. It was like he got some sick gratification in me awaiting a response at times. Part of me feels hurt/sad, part angry, and part sorry for him, because I don't know if it's an expression of past hurt or he just wasn't brought up to show respect or he just doesn't know any better, or any combination of such issues. I mean, if it was intentional, that's pretty bad too. It's just messed up, however you spin it. I've heard of people doing disappearing acts and that's terrible. Never thought I'd be caught up in such a situation where I had such strong feelings. I think it's just a very strange situation to get dumped but then the person refuses to provide an explanation. I could see if you never met the person, but to do that to someone who you shared things with...that's just not right. These people need to fine tune their moral compass.
Author batt Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) I agree with everything you say. I went to see her and she still wouldnt speak with me, like I cheated on her or something. She was the one that pursued to me. We had so many things in common so I think that's why I fell for her so hard. She always talked about how every guy shes been with has cheated on her. How shes kind and people have taken advantage of her. I thought she just really had bad luck. The times she did things to annoy me I always told her and she would apologize. I always told her if I do something to upset her please let me know. Nothing!!! One day we are laughing, having fun being together. The next shes distant. Then BAM!!! I don't wish to date you anymore. No explanation, gave me no say, no reason why shes ending it. She always talked about how she hates her mom. How her mom would guilt trip her in to not seeing me, because she has done so in the past. That is why I haven't been handling this well, because she didn't even respond to that when I asked her. With her past I never thought she would be capable of this. I don't talk about my relationships with my family much. They all agree it has nothing to do with me. Others say to extend her an olive branch if it will make me feel better. I have always made up with exes in the past and remain friends with a few. However, they were never callous like this this one. I can see why she has no friends. Edited January 6, 2015 by batt
dyna85 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Interesting....was gonna ask if she was cheated on because same thing with this guy. He pursued me too. I feel like he loves his cheating ex and isn't over it and that hurts to think about because it's like, why her and not me when I would never have done such a thing? I know the feeling of having so much in common and it being a unique connection. In my mind, the way he chose to end it ruins everything. With her past I never thought she would be capable of this. Second this. I would keep your distance if her lack of responsiveness to your attempts to talk to her are bringing you down. Never know what the future holds, but not sure that one can undo the hurt of being shut out coldly, with no explanation. It is truly callous and incredibly hurtful. I don't get how they don't care but we deserve respect and closure, so to heck with them turning our backs on us. You know how you mention it's like you cheated on her... I felt the same way. I was telling my friend this is the worst punishment and it feels like I cheated or lied or something, but I didn't. It's like.. you end up questioning it like you deserve this back of the hand treatment. It's twisted, the impact it has on your psyche. My advice is to do nc to the death. I refuse to put my heart through the grinder anymore and you should walk away too. You can't force somethin' or create closure when the ball's in the other person's court and they refuse to show empathy. Let the cards fall as they may and know that it's obviously the way it is for a reason. So when did you visit her?
Author batt Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Kind of funny, she knew how much I like this time of year. Christmas, New Years, and my birthday all within a month. I went to see her a few weeks ago before Christmas. First thing she said was why am I here? I apologized and apologized,for what? I don't even know. I asked her to give me 15 minutes. No, no, no, not even 5 minutes. I hope she enjoys her miserable life, because she deserves it. We'll find better. I always think we meet everyone for a reason. As painful and odd as it sounds, I think they both served a purpose in our lives. To hell with them 1
Author batt Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 I've also never been cheated on, so I don't know what worse. I know I will probably forgive but I'm not even thinking about it. Still going through ups and downs. This forum is nice because at least I have an outlet. I don't want to constantly complain to the people around me and annoy them.
dyna85 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 That is crazy and I know how you feel about apologizing...it's like..for what? It's because it makes us left to wonder. I get the mixed emotions and have felt apologetic for things too, but I still feel like he should be apologizing (she, in your case) because it's not right to leave someone in the dust and ignore their feelings. How can you not analyze it when it's so seemingly open-ended? It's closed, but feels open-ended. I dunno. It's just hard to understand. I agree that there's a reason for having met someone. It's a tough puzzle to figure out though. So many unanswered questions. I just wish there were clear communication that could provide closure. Then again..is this not clear communication in a way? It's paradoxical. At times I feel like the silence means something, but at other times it cuts like a knife. The holidays this year were so tough because of this for me too. Such great timing, no? I've never been cheated on either. Yes, this forum is a great way to express yourself as you work through the feelings. I've certainly bugged my friend about this and felt bad but this forum is the better avenue because there are so many compassionate and understanding people here. It's so comforting. I tried taking a break from the site the other day and when I was feeling the feelings, I felt so bad and I came on here and it brought me back a bit. I look at it like it's an antidepressant bc it does bring me back in the worst of moments.
Author batt Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 (edited) I would like to believe it wasn't her intent to disappear before Christmas. She always said she hated this time of year, I just happen to love it. Guess I'll never find out. All she did was complain about everything. Misery loves company. Yea, its a weird kind of communication. It does feel like a knife wound that won't stop cutting. My head feels like its constantly being squuezed. In the end, I told her what she did is childish, and she's right she needs to grow up. Edited January 6, 2015 by batt
dyna85 Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Yeah, I'm sure she didn't intend to disappear at this time. It's just unfortunate that it happened to coincide with your favorite time of year. Honestly, her unwillingness to give you even 5 minutes is definitely childish of her, considering it would be the mature thing to end it with at least some discussion. To put a wall up is selfish. It's denying the other person closure and it inflicts a lot of unnecessary pain. Some people don't have it in them to kindly discuss. It's just in their nature to put down the gavel and that's it - end of discussion. When the heart's involved, that's when it hurts the most. And yes, the residual feelings are quite torturous. I swear... breakups bring out the worst in people. If it makes you feel any better, I've read about people being in relationships for 4+ years and engaged and the person disappearing without so much as a word that it's over. It's crazy how people act towards others with whom they were supposedly in love or cared about... Brings to mind the song, 'Love is blind' by Eve. 'Love is blind...and it can take over your mind...what you think is love, is truly not, you need to elevate and find.' Sending peace & comfort your way as you muddle through the storm of emotions. 1
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