jubials Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) Hey guys. I could a use a little advice. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 15 months and I feel absolutely awful and heartbroken. I also feel really guilty because when I did it, my boyfriend was absolutely crushed. It sucks because he is an amazing man, and has treated me very well. He was thoughtful, super romantic, and always bought me gifts and flowers. He was everything that I wanted in a man. Honestly, I feel like it would be really hard to find another guy as sweet as him. The only problem between us was religion. He refuses to marry outside his religion. He hid this fact from me until 7 months into the relationship. Then after fighting over it, he said that if we were compatible enough than it would not matter. Fast forward to a year into dating, he changes his mind and says it is a requirement that I convert, regardless of how compatible we were and how much he loved me. I told him that his requirement was a deal breaker for me, and I gave the relationship 3 more months but he refused to budge on the issue so I left him. I am a very open minded person. I am Catholic, but I would have never made him convert and would have happily married outside my church just for him. I respect his beliefs and would NEVER expect him to change or go to my church. However, he is not the same. His religion also scares me a little. It’s called Iglesia no Cristo and it is VERY strict. He cannot drink, gamble, or have sex outside of marriage (which he OBVIOUSLY does) and he also cannot marry outside his religion. (He is not even supposed to be dating me). He is not allowed to tell me anything about his religion because it’s against the rules to preach if you are not a minister. He said if I wanted to learn more, I would have to take classes and hear it straight from his preacher. I went to his church once and it made me VERY uncomfortable. Men and women were not allowed to sit together and were separated on opposite sides of the church. You had to sign in and must go twice a week (and yes, they expect you to make your employer let you off early so you can make the 5pm mass on Wednesdays - no way my job would ever let me do that, I work in Finance and it's late hours for me). If you skip church (and they know cause they count who signs in), they send someone to your door and start calling you. If you have a bad excuse for missing, you get kicked out. If you marry outside the church, you are kicked out and damned tohell. And you must also vote for who the church tells you to vote for. That is just a couple of things that turned me away from his church. Reminded me of a cult. I told them there was no way. And he said we have no married future together. But he loves me and is willing to give up marriage forever, and just be my “companion”. Basically just date forever and not have kids. (If we have kids, they must go to his church only. I really want kids btw but refuse to let them grow up forced to got to a cult.) He has not been willing to compromise or try to work on this issue. When I said I am leaving him, he said he was heartbroken that I did not love him enough to convert and that he was sure that I was “the one”. It hurts me to hear him say that because if he loved me, my religion would not matter. He is perfect for me in every way, except for this religious conversion issue. Has anyone had any experience in things like this? I am miserable because I love him so much. He is in the army. I waited 6 months while he was deployed. Was loyal and sent him packages and gifts. Threw him a birthday party when he returned. And have been the perfect girlfriend. I would do a lot to make him happy, but I just don’t feel like I can convert to such a controlling religion. I feel so bad because he has been so amazing and loyal to me. Do you think I made the right choice? Has anyone ever converted for their boyfriend? Edited January 5, 2015 by jubials
Chi townD Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Iglesia ni Cristo? Isn't that, that weird ass religion from the Philippines? Yeah, I've heard of them. In some instances, they're stricter than Muslims (and that's saying a lot)! You're gonna have to let him go. He's too entrenched into his religion and they are definitely got a two fisted hold on him. If they discover he was dating outside the faith and even having sex, he'll get kicked out and he won't blame himself, he'll blame you. And that's not fair to you. Hell, I'm a catholic too and we're not supposed to have premarital sex either. But, you'll be hard pressed to find any catholic that follows that rule. And the kicker is, the church won't kick you out for that. There are religions that are far more tolerant of dating outside the faith. Hell, even Mormons are allowed to date outside their own faith. You're a Catholic, be proud to be a Catholic. Never let any man stray you away from your own beliefs. Hell, I have a friend that is catholic and he married a Jewish girl. He goes to Mass and she goes to Temple. The celebrate both Hanukah and Christmas and are tolerant of each others beliefs. Their religions are their own, but it doesn't change the fact that they love each other. They make it work. They said if they have kids, they'll expose them to each religion and when they're old enough, they can make those choices for themselves. I think it's time for you to move on and find someone that has a religion that's more tolerant of interfaith dating. Or find a good strong Irish Catholic boy! 2
flightplan Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Oh yeah, this brings back memories. I also had a b/u over religion. I wasn't her kind of christian. She was very religious, very intense about it. I was cool with it as long as she could accept me for who I am. I accepted her, but she couldn't love me for who I am. That was a problem. She would try to change me, I tried, but my heart just couldn't do it. Religion is one of those deal-breakers that doesn't allow for a lot of gray area. Either they accept you for who you are or they don't. You have to be true to yourself. Your values and principles are what make you tick as a person. Trying to change who you are to fit someone else's profile just isn't going to work. You have to let this one go. If you don't, you'll lose yourself if the process. It'll hurt, it'll suck, but you gotta let it go.
Holmes85 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 jubials, So let me get this straight. So for the first 7 months he keeps things under wraps (basically have the honeymoon period with you). Once the honeymoon period is done, he tells you that he's religious and you have to convert. Couple of things: 1. He's not even following his own religion right and asking you to do the same. 2. If you want to commit to a religion, it should be because YOU want to commit to it, not because on the sole purpose of converting for HIM. That's wrong on so many levels. You should tell him in clear words that you are not interested in coverting your religion and beleifs for him. You respect him and his views, he also has to respect yours. Love always finds a way if you are properly commited to it. 1
deathandtaxes Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Sounds like he was missionary dating. Bullet dodged, OP.
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