what is wrong with me?! single depressed and uncomplete

[liove]

I dont understand what is wrong with me, i cannot seem to get out of my singlehood. I am single for 1 year and a half with some casual dating in between.

I am sick of being the only girl not dating around me. Everyone is in a relationship and i do not understand why not me.

I am 26 (soon 27), i am really beautiful, smart, funny and interesting. I love cooking and i would invest myself at 100% in a relationship. I have some flaws like everyone but not something that is an absolute TURN OFF. I want to start a family, to have children and it seems impossible to find someone, i've used online dating and found some really nice people willing to be in a relationship with me but it is not my thing and i like things to go naturally so i stopped OLD.

Without being arrogant, all the girls around me who are in a relationship are not that beautiful nor smarter, neither their boyfriends.

I begin to think i am overqualified. I know I am very picky but I do not want to settle for less than I deserve. And everytime i find someone I like, i shy away and not able to talk to that person.

I've read all the possible books regarding the law of attraction and positive thinking but i really cannot take it anymore. I do not deserve that and i am really sad. I was even thinking of killing myself if i do not have a family before 30 and the clock is ticking...

it seems impossible to meet new people, i dont go out that much (because all my friends go with other couples so obviously i am not invited) and i dont like to go out alone.

I know that hapiness comes from within and if we are happy everything will come and I am quite ok living on my own. I can make people interested in me but I myseolf only get intersted in a person, if this person ignores me or showing no interest. And i suffer, and lose time etc

 

Honestly do not know what to do, i am really sad! My biggest fear is to end up alone forever without any kids nor husband (and i know i should not think that way because the law of attraction will take action in this direction and that scares me even more). So i am exhausted of too much thinking and i am just destroying myself.

Please help!

Edited January 5, 2015 by liove

[TabbyHearts]

My biggest fear is to end up alone forever without any kids nor husband

 

Yep, me too. You'll find that the vast majority of people fear dying alone, never having gotten married or started a family that they want.

 

First of all, know that this fear is normal. We are human beings and in general are not meant to live life alone. Second of all, stop reading bull**** books. Some of them have good advice for just being more open, but people wanting love and not finding it is a fact that authors and "love gurus" make their money from.

 

Lastly, if you are feeling very down about your situation, I really recommend therapy. I always says that you can change your thoughts, because it's true! Love is a game, but then again, it's not. As you said yourself, happiness comes from within but it doesn't sound like you have much within you right now - go speak to someone about your fears and change the way you see things. Also, never give up on life...30 is still very young and you'll realize that when you get there. Don't sell yourself short, anything can happen at any time.

[PegNosePete]

i've used online dating and found some really nice people willing to be in a relationship with me but it is not my thing

Eh? So what did you tell these nice people who were willing to be in a relationship with you?

 

What does "not my thing" mean? If it was working then why stop it? You met nice people who wanted to be in a relationship so why do you call that a failure? I would call that a WIN! I could understand if you said "I stopped using OLD because all i met was idiots and douchebags" - but you met nice people who want to be with you - so why throw that away??

 

all my friends go with other couples so obviously i am not invited

Huh - some "friends"! When I was single my couple friends would invite me out all the time. And now I am in a couple I still see my single friends all the time too. Also, you seem quite passive. Why sit there waiting to be invited? Why not organize something and invite them?

 

I can make people interested in me but I myseolf only get intersted in a person, if this person ignores me or showing no interest.

You might want to rethink this strategy. It makes no sense whatsoever.

[d0nnivain]

Do not kill yourself. Since you are thinking along these lines, get some therapy.

 

You have this goal: to find a good relationship & eventually get married & have a family. Great! What are you doing to achieve that goal?

 

It doesn't work for everybody but when I decided I wanted to settle down I read somewhere to look at it like a job search. You have to get other there, take action & work toward your goal. I made a plan & promised myself that I would do at least one thing every week that was expressly designed to meet new people. Some weeks I managed to get in 2 activities. I had similar goals for my business & took the time to look around those events for both professional & personal opportunities.

[TabbyHearts]

Interesting...how did you eventually meet your spouse? Did you take initiative and ask out or wait for guys to ask you?

[Gaeta]

I dont understand what is wrong with me, i cannot seem to get out of my singlehood. I am single for 1 year and a half with some casual dating in between.

 

Single 1.5 that is nothing! You NEED to be single after coming out of a relationship! The problem is you want everything too fast, as if it should fall on your lap.

 

Looking for a man to marry and be father of your children may take you years, accept it! My youngest brother is getting married and starting a family, they are both 35 years old !! It took them both a long time to find that someone and they are perfect for each other! It's much better to take your time and find that someone perfect for you then to rush in a marriage by fear and divorce a couple of years later.

 

Also, you value yourself too much through marriage. You have other things to accomplish in your life that will make you a better mate, concentrate on them. Set out to be the best you can be and you won't go un-noticed.

 

I was married at 20 (that ended up in a divorce) and I was a mother at 21. If I could turn back time you bet I would do things differently. I would have concentrated on getting top education, I would have started to build a career in my 20s not my 40s, I would have traveled and experience life THEN I would have settled much later in life. All this experience would have allow me to pick a better mate for myself, instead I married my first boyfriend cause it was <the thing to do>.

[d0nnivain]

Interesting...how did you eventually meet your spouse? Did you take initiative and ask out or wait for guys to ask you?

 

I met my husband at a networking function. We were both there to drum up clients for our respective businesses. He was the most gorgeous man in the room. Neither of us got any clients.

 

After any business event I always followed up with the people I met. I sent him a handwritten note on cards I had made for that purpose (not for him but for following up after networking). He called a day or two later & asked me out to dinner on a Monday night. I was terrified that based on the day of the week he viewed this a a business connection only. Later when I told him that he said, no it was the 1st day he was free & wanted to meet me ASAP.

 

I have asked men out. In fact I also met another man the night I met my husband. That guy was more forthcoming so I asked him out for the that week but we didn't have much of a connection & I was really into my husband.

[liove]

Yep, me too. You'll find that the vast majority of people fear dying alone, never having gotten married or started a family that they want.

 

First of all, know that this fear is normal. We are human beings and in general are not meant to live life alone. Second of all, stop reading bull**** books. Some of them have good advice for just being more open, but people wanting love and not finding it is a fact that authors and "love gurus" make their money from.

 

Lastly, if you are feeling very down about your situation, I really recommend therapy. I always says that you can change your thoughts, because it's true! Love is a game, but then again, it's not. As you said yourself, happiness comes from within but it doesn't sound like you have much within you right now - go speak to someone about your fears and change the way you see things. Also, never give up on life...30 is still very young and you'll realize that when you get there. Don't sell yourself short, anything can happen at any time.

 

those books are not bull****, it is about brain power and positive thinkin and honestly this helps me a lot. i know 30 is very young, but i would like to have kids at a decent age...and i know i am anxious very quickly and think about the negatives only.

[liove]

Eh? So what did you tell these nice people who were willing to be in a relationship with you?

 

What does "not my thing" mean? If it was working then why stop it? You met nice people who wanted to be in a relationship so why do you call that a failure? I would call that a WIN! I could understand if you said "I stopped using OLD because all i met was idiots and douchebags" - but you met nice people who want to be with you - so why throw that away??

 

 

Huh - some "friends"! When I was single my couple friends would invite me out all the time. And now I am in a couple I still see my single friends all the time too. Also, you seem quite passive. Why sit there waiting to be invited? Why not organize something and invite them?

 

 

You might want to rethink this strategy. It makes no sense whatsoever.

 

if i try to organise something, they usually refuse me because either they are busy doing "couple things" either they are not in town. but i dont mind being alone, that is the problem. The only moment when I am truly happy is when i am alone. When i am with my couple friends who are not happy in the relationship, i get depressed as well and need some time alone in order to get better.

 

Regarding the OLD, it is a matter of principle. I come from a culture in which these kind of websites are kind of judged. I dont want to be judged or something. I know i shouldnt care about that but I do. i just want to meet my soul mate at a coffee shop rather than on a dating website.

 

For example, i met someone on a website who was really into me, but i wasnt that much. Therefore, he lost interest. and only at that moment i became intersted myself. I sometimes think if the person likes me that much it must be soemthing wrong with him (maybe because deep down inside i have some trust issues as well)

[liove]

Do not kill yourself. Since you are thinking along these lines, get some therapy.

 

You have this goal: to find a good relationship & eventually get married & have a family. Great! What are you doing to achieve that goal?

 

It doesn't work for everybody but when I decided I wanted to settle down I read somewhere to look at it like a job search. You have to get other there, take action & work toward your goal. I made a plan & promised myself that I would do at least one thing every week that was expressly designed to meet new people. Some weeks I managed to get in 2 activities. I had similar goals for my business & took the time to look around those events for both professional & personal opportunities.

 

i dont do anything! i leave on the impression that everyone around me is married or in a serious relationship. Everyone good is taken.

I dont have much time doing a lot of activities, i work a lot and i do a lot of sport (yoga). I will try to go out more (even if that means alone) but i really doubt i could find my soul mate on the streets or worse in a bar (i prefer OLD )

[liove]

Single 1.5 that is nothing! You NEED to be single after coming out of a relationship! The problem is you want everything too fast, as if it should fall on your lap.

 

Looking for a man to marry and be father of your children may take you years, accept it! My youngest brother is getting married and starting a family, they are both 35 years old !! It took them both a long time to find that someone and they are perfect for each other! It's much better to take your time and find that someone perfect for you then to rush in a marriage by fear and divorce a couple of years later.

 

Also, you value yourself too much through marriage. You have other things to accomplish in your life that will make you a better mate, concentrate on them. Set out to be the best you can be and you won't go un-noticed.

 

I was married at 20 (that ended up in a divorce) and I was a mother at 21. If I could turn back time you bet I would do things differently. I would have concentrated on getting top education, I would have started to build a career in my 20s not my 40s, I would have traveled and experience life THEN I would have settled much later in life. All this experience would have allow me to pick a better mate for myself, instead I married my first boyfriend cause it was <the thing to do>.

 

wow what a story!

and you are right, i should focus on my career and travelling but guess what?! i am depressed so i dont give a dann about my career and i would love to travel but scared to do that alone!

[Noproblem]

What's wrong on meeting the right person at 35 and having kids at 37

 

Despite what the media says

 

but people had children when they were 40 and they were healthy and OK

 

 

you should meed new people not to get them into marry you

just to enjoy your life a little bit

 

If i were a guy

 

I will detect that you are desperate to get married

 

and I'll get disgusted and run the other way

 

Didn't you know that guys hate marriage and like it only when it's their own idea

 

Don't settle for less

I hear you

but mean while

 

enhance your life

don't put an age limit

 

go do something about your life

 

volunteer, hike with new people, start a new hobbie

make new friends( try to find someone who is divorced or single mom since your selfish girlfriends don't include you search in other criteria)

 

SO what you love cooking?

SO are everybody else?

 

Is that what's special about you

being really beautiful and into cooking?

 

 

No, you need to expand your knowledge

 

and sometimes

 

the right guy is not really in your hometown

 

sometimes you have to travel

 

to other countries to find him

but not solo travel to find the right guy

 

no travel to have fun

 

and frankly there are groups who travel all the time

 

you can find them online and join them

 

 

and you can have freinds who are eldery

 

it doesn't have to be your same age

 

you can have fun everywhere

 

but please

 

the word I am gonna kill myself if I am not married

 

is an insult to every single out there

 

 

Seriously, this is what's wrong with you

 

people can sense your desperation and they will run away because of that..

[liove]

PS: thank you very much for your answers really!

 

and sorry for the multiple quotes. I guess one of my flaws would be related to IT . would that be the reason i am single and NOT ready to mingle?

[Noproblem]

and yeah I forgot to mention

 

these books you read about the power of attraction!

 

They could work out for some people but don't make it your base belief!

 

 

I mean if it was that easy to wish something and make it happen

 

 

every orphan kid would have gotten a roof over his head and a loving daddy and mommy!

[BluEyeL]

and yeah I forgot to mention

 

these books you read about the power of attraction!

 

They could work out for some people but don't make it your base belief!

 

 

I mean if it was that easy to wish something and make it happen

 

 

every orphan kid would have gotten a roof over his head and a loving daddy and mommy!

Worked for me. But if you read them and are still negative or don't understand them, of course they don't work. It's like making a gym membership and never going to the gym.

[liove]

What's wrong on meeting the right person at 35 and having kids at 37

 

Despite what the media says

 

but people had children when they were 40 and they were healthy and OK

 

 

you should meed new people not to get them into marry you

just to enjoy your life a little bit

 

If i were a guy

 

I will detect that you are desperate to get married

 

and I'll get disgusted and run the other way

 

Didn't you know that guys hate marriage and like it only when it's their own idea

 

Don't settle for less

I hear you

but mean while

 

enhance your life

don't put an age limit

 

go do something about your life

 

volunteer, hike with new people, start a new hobbie

make new friends( try to find someone who is divorced or single mom since your selfish girlfriends don't include you search in other criteria)

 

SO what you love cooking?

SO are everybody else?

 

Is that what's special about you

being really beautiful and into cooking?

 

 

No, you need to expand your knowledge

 

and sometimes

 

the right guy is not really in your hometown

 

sometimes you have to travel

 

to other countries to find him

but not solo travel to find the right guy

 

no travel to have fun

 

and frankly there are groups who travel all the time

 

you can find them online and join them

 

 

and you can have freinds who are eldery

 

it doesn't have to be your same age

 

you can have fun everywhere

 

but please

 

the word I am gonna kill myself if I am not married

 

is an insult to every single out there

 

 

Seriously, this is what's wrong with you

 

people can sense your desperation and they will run away because of that..

 

I am really not desperate, i mean all the guys i went out with thought i was a heartless b***h. I told them i didnt want to get married and that i dont need a relationship so they dont think i am desperate. And i am not desperate, i am just scared! scared of being alone without deserving it. sad of the fact that people dont appreciate their significant other and they take them for granted (i did that as well with my ex)

No, this is not what is special about me, cooking and being beautiful. it is rather shallow to say that. if a i think about it, I reallydont know what is special about me, but i know i never leave people indifferent after meeting me. they always want my company and they always try to talk to me even more. my personality influence a lot the environement in which i am, whether is negative or positive. if i am sad, people around me are sad, and viceversa.

That is why, everytime i am with someone, i am happy, funny and try to make them laugh, even though deep down inside i cry.

[Gaeta]

Regarding the OLD, it is a matter of principle. I come from a culture in which these kind of websites are kind of judged. I dont want to be judged or something. I know i shouldnt care about that but I do. i just want to meet my soul mate at a coffee shop rather than on a dating website.

 

People online are the same people you come across in coffee shops and public transportation. It's the new way to find someone. 75% of singles are online. People don't approach each other in public like they used to. If you eliminate online then you are doing yourself a huge disservice. There are serious dating site

 

As for your culture not approving of this you just don't tell. This is something private to you. I suggest you try a serious paying site.

[TabbyHearts]

those books are not bull****, it is about brain power and positive thinkin and honestly this helps me a lot. i know 30 is very young, but i would like to have kids at a decent age...and i know i am anxious very quickly and think about the negatives only.

 

 

some books, believe it or not, are written to make money. Some are helpful, like I already said. I own some of these books but I am realistic about them as well.

 

I think people here have given you very good advice, but it's hard to when someone like you is being so negative and basically has a rebuttal to every comment. If you're asking for help or advice, you first have to open to actually taking it. I'm really not trying to be rude, I can just see that you're so far into this negativity and I'd say that's the number one thing you should focus on changing.

[d0nnivain]

i dont do anything! i leave on the impression that everyone around me is married or in a serious relationship. Everyone good is taken.

I dont have much time doing a lot of activities, i work a lot and i do a lot of sport (yoga). I will try to go out more (even if that means alone) but i really doubt i could find my soul mate on the streets or worse in a bar (i prefer OLD )

 

 

That's your problem. You don't do anything.

 

Instead of lamenting your fate, take action. You don't have to do OLD or go to a bar.

 

Who is around when you get your morning coffee or at the place where you grab lunch? If you eat at your desk, stop. Get up & go out of your building. I don't care if you eat lunch on a park bench near your office, go outside.

 

Do you network for your job? If not, start. Go to industry functions. Organize a happy hour for co-workers. Attend a chamber of commerce meeting.

 

If there are only women in your yoga class take a different one.

 

Volunteer somewhere doing something you are passionate about

 

Take or teach a class . . .not for academic credit but something fun. You say you are a good cook so take a cooking class.

 

Get involved with a MeetUp group or singles group that does something you enjoy like fine dining perhaps. I went to one I liked because I could bring my dog.

 

Tell your coupled up friends that you are open to being fixed up.

 

Do OLD & don't tell those in your culture who will judge you. Closed cultures tend to believe in matchmaking. OLD is just a high tech form of that. Also see if there is anybody who is matchmaker (formal or otherwise) in your community.

 

Try a service like It's Just Lunch.

 

As I used to tell one of my BFFs you are never going to meet a man while you are sitting at your mom's kitchen table lamenting the fact that you don't have a BF. She joined a ski club, went on a few fun day trips & eventually met her husband.

[doeblin]

• First of all, if you have suicidal thoughts, you should see a therapist. At the very least, call the local hotline when you have these thoughts. This is serious.
  
• 99% of self-help literature is cheesy claptrap; what I've found to work however, are the books that were written by actual psychiatrists who use Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. The fundamental point is, that negative thoughts and negative emotions are interconnected, so you have to kick these negative thoughts like it was bad habit. You have to make an effort. Check out Feeling good by David Burns.
  
• I don't know what "law of attraction" you are referring to, but I give you this: when you are happy, confident, and positive, people will want to be around you... and vice versa. So focus on being happy.
  
• Being single 1.5 years after a breakup is completely normal. Also, you may have noticed, that not everyone who is in a relationship is happy. Being single is better than being in an unhealthy relationship.
  
• Imagine what your ideal husband would do during the week, and visit those events.
  
• Don't bet all your happiness on finding a husband. You said you are smart, so you should focus on your career too. Travel. You have plenty of time to build a family.
  
• If your friends don't want to be around you, find new friends.
  

 

 

 

 

Hope this helps!

[40 Fonzarelli]

Maybe they sense your insecurity with being alone and it scares them away.

[shet]

My heart goes out to you. Some other people have given solid advice. Don't panic. I'm attending the wedding of an old friend next week to a woman he met around age 28, 3 years ago, and she is 2 years older, so she's marrying at 33. My own mother had me at 32. Another old family friend was unhappily single for a very long time, then met a man at her car mechanics at about 36, married at 38 and had their son at 40. I'm 31 and I'm single and lonely but I'm trying, and making progress, and I don't fear it'll never happen (any more... I used to!)

[mortensorchid]

Honey, I am 40 and I still ask myself those questions! Ha ha ha ...

 

 

To answer another question you may or may not have asked directly, I have dated a lot of guys in my life from yuppie, white collar, college educated men, to blue collar, working class men, to men in the arts - essentially all walks of life. And I have come to a very bitter conclusion about them all - they want someone who is lesser than they are. This goes all across the board. In terms of jobs/careers (although this economy is causing many to suffer in ways we never thought possible), they want someone who is less successful than they are. In terms of other things, they want someone who is less attractive, has less personality / charisma, and takes care of them.

 

 

Do you know how many gals I have met whose husband / boyfriend will leave them for a 20 year old stripper? How many guys I have seen been taken advantage of by some horrible nag with two children from two previous marriages? They say that women go for Bad Boys, well men go for Bad Girls as well. It's a two way street.

 

 

All you can do is keep moving forward and just hope that someday, somehow it too can happen for you.

[BluEyeL]

Honey, I am 40 and I still ask myself those questions! Ha ha ha ...

 

 

To answer another question you may or may not have asked directly, I have dated a lot of guys in my life from yuppie, white collar, college educated men, to blue collar, working class men, to men in the arts - essentially all walks of life. And I have come to a very bitter conclusion about them all - they want someone who is lesser than they are. This goes all across the board. In terms of jobs/careers (although this economy is causing many to suffer in ways we never thought possible), they want someone who is less successful than they are. In terms of other things, they want someone who is less attractive, has less personality / charisma, and takes care of them.

 

 

Do you know how many gals I have met whose husband / boyfriend will leave them for a 20 year old stripper? How many guys I have seen been taken advantage of by some horrible nag with two children from two previous marriages? They say that women go for Bad Boys, well men go for Bad Girls as well. It's a two way street.

 

 

All you can do is keep moving forward and just hope that someday, somehow it too can happen for you.

 

Not everyone is the same. There are some good men too, albeit few, who are kind and looking for a sincere relationship. Maybe they're not as hot though...so I dunno.

[Satu]

Extract:

 

I can make people interested in me but I myseolf only get intersted in a person, if this person ignores me or showing no interest.

 

If you're only interested in people who are not interested in you, you're not going to get very far...

 

Give that some thought.

 

Also bear in mind that nobody can love you more than you love yourself.

Edited January 5, 2015 by Satu