SweetSophia Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I have been in marriage for 8 months so I can still say that I am a newlywed we've been together for 5 years almost 6 years and still don't have sex since we got married and last time my husband and I had sex was over 2 years ago (weird right?) and I'm not happy about it. We usually do it once or twice a month when we still in a bf/gf relationship. I am wondering why he's not asking for it now that we live in a same roof, we don't have kids and we have a lot of time to do it but he is just busy doing his work but it's 8 months for Pete’s sake and we're Newlywed!! And I don't know if he noticed it or what. He's working in his office for 6 days and 1 day in our house he is just so busy facing his laptop, touching his papers and his office desk and watch presentation given by his office mates! Next month he will celebrate his 32nd birthday and I want it to be special and unforgettable especially on his part so I'd decided to take our sex life into the next level. I also think that this might be the way to get out in this sexless marriage and to get back our romance. So I really need help guys. Have any advice? Please let me know. I want to get the intimacy back in our relationship. Thank you in advance
TigerCub Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I'm sorry if this response is gonna be harsh - I usually try to be understanding and helpful and empathize with the OP - but... You say you've been married for 8 months, with him for like 5 years before that - but you haven't had sex in 2 years which means that you married him even though you guys hadn't had sex in over a year before the marriage - so you already knew something was up and something is messed up in that department, so why did you marry him? why do you even expect things to change? I just don't understand people that make a commitment like marriage knowing full well there are major issues like sexlessness and then go on and complain about how much it sucks - you knew that walking into it! Maybe you shouldn't have walked into it. 4
mammasita Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Soooooooooo, you married him 8 months ago with the knowledge that you hadn't had sex in, hmmmmmm, 16 months? I'm sorry - another harsh post - but the reality is that this is your fault for accepting this behavior, not his for not having sex with you, or *gasp* not making a move to have sex. 3
jackslife Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 You don't need a 'romantic' night. You need to face this head on. If he is a fit, healthy man who is attracted to his wife, then you should have a bloody good sex life. You should sit him down and ask him what is going on and suggest marriage counselling. Sexless marriages are frighteningly common. Just start reading the threads on here. However, they usually occur in 20 year marriages once kids are about. You two have no excuses. Reasons... he may be gay, he might not find you attractive any more, who knows. Bottom line is you could be in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life. So sort this now. Their are reasons why people tolerate sexless marriages when they get older, children, finances, fear... Relatively young and childless, I don't understand why you are putting up with it. 6
Lokin4AReason Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I think you should go ahead and violate his right(s) in the bedroom w/ the game twister ( get the spark(s) flying and hope nothing catches on fire ). indoor activities should be and a much in a relationship
loveboid Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 The cynic in me says he only married you to take care of the house. I recommend counseling, not just for the lack of sex but your inability to effectively communicate your needs. This has gone on too long and if you've made a mistake in marrying him then you're going to need help to divorce. Otherwise you could end up stuck in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life, all because you couldn't stand up for yourself. 3
Poppygoodwill Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 If you've gone 2 years without intimacy, then I think suddenly springing a sexy evening on him might turn out to be a disaster. More for you than him, as you might feel very rejected having tried really hard and had it fall flat. I'm thinking you two need to talk before you have sex. Have you discussed it anytime in these two years? It could be he's so focused on his work in order to avoid intimacy. Rather than it being too much to allow him the time for intimacy. 5
stillafool Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 What has your husband said when you talked to him about this? You did talk to him about the lack of sex didn't you? 2
Satu Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 He sounds more like a housemate than a husband. What on earth did you think you were doing when you married? 1
Friskyone4u Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Girl, if your husband is 32 years old and is not chasing you around the house in your first year of marriage, either he has a medical problem or a mental problem. And YOU need to find out what it is. If he does not love you, divorce him. If he does, find out what the hell the problem is before you start to cheat on him. That is not the answer!!!
stillafool Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I love it (NOT) when posters ask for advice and then never respond back. What is the point? 3
LadyLuck2014 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I love it (NOT) when posters ask for advice and then never respond back. What is the point? I call them 'hit and runs.' If a few days have passed since the OP last appeared in the thread, I don't waste my time anymore.
Tullyseptember Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Maybe the situation changed and sweetsophie is busy being intimate with her husband
bathtub-row Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Provided I would've married this guy in the first place, I'd hand him divorce papers for his birthday. That should take your sex life to the next level. Seriously, why are you even with this guy? He's either gay and hiding behind a marriage, or he just plain doesn't like sex. I've personally never been in a relationship with a man in his 30's where we didn't have sex at least 4 times a week. Do you get how 'not normal' your sex life is? It's completely ridiculous that you're thinking of doing something special for his birthday. You must honestly think something is going to change. Honey, this is what you signed on the dotted line for, and based on your post, I'm not sure why you did that. At what point will you recover you self-esteem and walk away from this nonsense? 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Next month he will celebrate his 32nd birthday and I want it to be special and unforgettable especially on his part so I'd decided to take our sex life into the next level. I also think that this might be the way to get out in this sexless marriage and to get back our romance. So I really need help guys. Let's say this night goes as you visualize it, the planets align and the earth moves. What makes you think things would change on an ongoing basis ??? It sounds as though he's currently getting everything he needs from the relationship. Unfortunately for you, those needs don't include sex. I'm not sure why you haven't tried harder to find out why that is... Mr. Lucky 1
bathtub-row Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 Let's say this night goes as you visualize it, the planets align and the earth moves. :laugh:
Spectre Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 (edited) I love it (NOT) when posters ask for advice and then never respond back. What is the point? It's been only a few days not a few weeks. Provided I would've married this guy in the first place, I'd hand him divorce papers for his birthday. That should take your sex life to the next level. OP, please don't follow this advice. It's a genuine problem that your H doesn't want to have sex with you, but serving him divorce papers on his birthday takes a special kind of cruelty. If he doesn't want to have sex with you now, he'll never want sex from you again if you do that. Anyways, you need to talk to your husband. You need to tell him there has to be a sex life. Maybe start slow, tell him you need sex at least once a week, and then you can slowly increase the amount of times you do it. If you do the once a week thing, I'd make it so the sex always happens on the weekend, makes it easier to relax, etc. If he doesn't still want sex then he is either gay or for some reason he lacks any physical attraction towards you. Which would be strange if the latter were true considering why get married if there is zero attraction? Then again, I get the vibe you haven't talked to him much about this issue, and it's also possible it is a medical issue. If it is a medical issue..that might be the reason why he has not really brought up the issue with you either. For some guys it is a pride thing. He'd rather you think he doesn't want sex because he is busy with work or something, as opposed to it being a medical thing. Edited January 8, 2015 by Spectre 1
MJJean Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 OP, please don't follow this advice. It's a genuine problem that your H doesn't want to have sex with you, but serving him divorce papers on his birthday takes a special kind of cruelty. Well over 20 years ago my uncle served my aunt divorce papers on Christmas Eve. Not only did he do it on Christmas Eve, he did it in front of the whole family...grandma and grandpa, siblings, siblings spouses, and all the kids. He even went as far as to have the papers in a white jewelry box with a red bow on it like the ones necklaces and bracelets come in. She opened it in front of everyone and just broke down. She had no idea it was coming. No joke. Biggest douche move I have ever seen. I think everyone hated him after that. Good riddance. OP, talk to him about it. Talk to him in a way that makes him feel open and comfortable with you. Use wine or pot or whatever if necessary. Ask him if he's always had a low sex drive or if it's come on with time. Ask him if he just has trouble connecting to his body after working so much on his computer. Ask him if he's attracted to men. Ask him if he needs you to do something or behave in a way that he needs to get aroused. Ask him if he has fetishes or something that he needs you to fulfill. Etc. Etc. If he's having a physical problem it's possible it's low hormone levels, high blood pressure, diabetes, depression, on and on. Take him in for a thorough exam and let the doctor know that low sex drive is one of his symptoms and that you are concerned about the above mentioned possibilities. That way the doc can do more in-depth checking than usual and he or she will be specifically looking for a cause. If he's just stuck in his head and disconnected from his body due to his work try different ways to get him relaxed and into physical sensation. That should naturally open him up to sex. If he needs something from you that he isn't getting, well, give it to him if it doesn't cause you to be turned off. If he refuses to open up and talk about it, if he refuses to work on it, then I think you should seriously consider either leaving or having an open relationship where you can get your physical needs met on the up and up. 1
bathtub-row Posted January 8, 2015 Posted January 8, 2015 Oh, for Pete's sake, does everyone have to be so literal? She was talking about doing something special for him on his birthday, which I can't imagine why. So it was to tongue-in-cheek humor. She actually has no control over when papers are served and it wouldn't happen that fast anyway. 1
Spectre Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Oh, for Pete's sake, does everyone have to be so literal? She was talking about doing something special for him on his birthday, which I can't imagine why. So it was to tongue-in-cheek humor. She actually has no control over when papers are served and it wouldn't happen that fast anyway. Yeah nope, you don't get to brush it off as just humor. Not saying you didn't intend it as humor, but this is the internet, sarcasm/humor doesn't always come across very well and especially on a web site like this where I could totally see a poster giving the advice you did as LEGIT advice? You can't blame people for thinking you were serious.
Newlywed80 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I love it (NOT) when posters ask for advice and then never respond back. What is the point? My guess is that she was shocked by all of your suggestions that she divorce him, and is not prepared to deal with reality. My situation is somewhat similar, although we have had sex and it does happen sporadically (about every 3 months, although we have had sex 3 times in the past month and I consider that progress...woohoo), but I guess if I hadn't thought about divorce before I would have been more taken aback by your suggestions in my thread. There does seem to be some neglect on her part to realize the truth. I can honestly say that I never plan uber romantic nights with my husband anymore for fear of rejection and because I just don't give a s*** to extend myself anymore (although maybe I should try), but if I were her I DEFINITELY wouldn't do it after going 2 years without sex. It would be surprising to him, and as someone else pointed out, a huge disappointment for her when he most likely rejects her. Unless he is someone along the likes of Warren Buffet, and is making millions a year, there is definitely a problem if he is a 32 year old working 7 days a week while a newlywed. He could at least spare several hours in the evening/night and Sundays. Aside from his wife, how can he retain any family relationships and friendships this way?
Jswscents Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I understand exactly what you are going through. I have been with my husband for years and sex was becoming a rare occasion. It got really worst when we began working in 2 different states. He would come home and stay 1, 2 or 3 months at a time and we barely had sex. I use to think that he would want to make love the minute he walked through the door. I even stated blaming him and fantasizing about affairs, he'll even one night stands. To be honest I cheated. It lasted about a year and I broke it off, but I learned a lot because in my quest of feeling needed and attractive I watch a lot of movies, read some books but there was only one guide that turn things around for me. Now my husband hates to be away from me and I actually have fun initiating stuff, being somewhat the aggressor. I never told him about my affair and I will never do that again because now I know how to get from him when and how I want it. It does take some work on our part. You got to give everything a try before giving up.
bathtub-row Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Yeah nope, you don't get to brush it off as just humor. Not saying you didn't intend it as humor, but this is the internet, sarcasm/humor doesn't always come across very well and especially on a web site like this where I could totally see a poster giving the advice you did as LEGIT advice? You can't blame people for thinking you were serious. Yeah, actually I do "get to". Tongue-in-cheek actually refers as much to sarcasm as it does to humor. Regardless, whether she took me literally or not, she's fighting a losing battle with this guy and the sooner she cuts out the cancer, the better off she'll be. That was my initial (although, apparently, unclear) point.
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