Kermit007 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) Ok I could really use some help/advice here guys.. Here's my story: About 7 months ago I met this really nice girl. She was beautiful, smart, you name it..She was 35 and I was 30. This first thing i tought was "How come such a nice girl is still single?" Anyway...she and I started going on dates and always had a nice time. 4 weeks later and boom...she was my girlfriend. Everything went great the first few weeks but now and then she got a text message from her ex (they were 2gether for 4 months but he cheated on her) saying he missed her. This went on for a couple of weeks but between her and me everything seemed ok. One night she and I were supposed to meet. About a half hour before our date she send me a text asking me to meet her a half hour later as something had come up. When she and I met she said: "I want to be honest with you, when I came from work and exited the building my ex was waiting for me and wanted to talk, so he and I went for a coffee, talked and I said that thing are over between me and him and i have someone new now" She told me that he now knows he has to stop texting because she has someone new. A couple of weeks went by again and he still continued to text her..I started to get more and more suspicious and one morning I checked her cellphone. I found text from her to him telling him she missed him too and that they had to let eachother go. I confronted her with these texts and she immediately started crying and telling it didn't mean anything. She told me that she was scared of this guy and in order to keep him calm she would often send text to him telling him she also missed him. I didnt believe one word of it and told her to go home. Later that day she continued to text me telling me she wanted to talk. Eventually she came to my house and told me she didnt have anuthing to hide. Her exact words were "I dont delete those messages because i have no problem that you read them. The only mistake i made is not telling you what i send to him and now you think we still have something going on. But i only send these thing to him because i'm scared of him and these texts cool him down." I told her if she wanted to continue with the relationship she had to make it clear to the guy to leave her alone. Later she told me she had called him and told him to leave her alone or else she would call the police. Ofcourse...i wasnt there when she made that call...so..its very possible it was a lie. Anyway..we continued our relationship and weeks went by...Everything seemed ok and the ex didnt text her anymore...Untill we were +- 4 months in the relationship he started texting her again, telling he missed her. Around this time she also got a lot colder towards me...There were times she was hot, there were times she was cold and distant. When she was hot...she was HOT! So everytime i started to worry a bit..she started to be superhot and i didnt pay attention to the cold times.. We still did fun things in the weekend but not a much as we used to. I also had the impression that she didnt want to hang out as much as she used to. She also complained she didnt sleep well in my bed and had backpain, so she wanted to sleep in her own bed. However...she didnt ask me to sleep with her. The last weeks we +- slept 1 time every week together. This bothered me a lot... Eventually she started to argue over little things and blow them up. I was like nothing was good anymore. In the beginning she said "I love you so much, i love spending time with you" but in the end...nothing of this she still said. However she still talked about moving in together, going on vacation together...but remained hot and cold. At a certain time i was fed up with this and had a serious talk with her. She said there were some things about me, she had difficulties with. "You are not this, you could be more that...etc" Eventually she said it would be better to take things a bit slower and give eachother some space...I didnt agree with this, and said if that was what she wanted perhaps it was better to breakup. She didnt say she didnt want to, she packed her thing and said it was probably for the best. Just before leaving she said "Time will tell if its the right decision" This was the first thing that confused me...wtf does she mean by that?!! We have broken up 5 weeks ago now and celebrated new year together. (this was because we had rented a room with a lot of friends to celebrate it) That night we talked a little but...not about our breakup. 2 days later i was at a party where she also was. Again we talked a bit but not much. A friend told me that several times during the nights she was looking over at me to see what i was doing. The day after she texted me to say she didnt see me leave the party, and if i have a good time" We texted a bit and the texts that came from her were " I miss you sometimes but try not to think about it to much" " I have a great time with you but i guess our characters didnt match 100%" " I have tears in my eyes sometimes" " I'm there for you when you need me" " I guess we just need some time to cope with everything and what has to happen, will happen" WTF is she doing ? Why is she sending all these things and saying al those things ? Since the breakup all contact came from her, she initiated it every single time! Any opinions/help/advice ? Edited January 5, 2015 by Kermit007
unforgotten Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 IMO it looks like she's deciding between you and her ex. The same advice for you as for anyone else, let her go, just go no contact and respond to nothing more than "I want to get back together". 1
Light Breeze Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 ^^^ This She is sending you breadcrumbs to see if you would bite and be her backup. If she got colder to you when her ex started texting her again then you know what that means right? NC NC NC
Author Kermit007 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 ^^^ This She is sending you breadcrumbs to see if you would bite and be her backup. If she got colder to you when her ex started texting her again then you know what that means right? NC NC NC Well thats the thing sometimes she got colder, sometimes she wasnt. It wasnt like she got cold and stayed cold. Thats also the reason I broke up with her. If i date a girl I have to be her Nr1 guy. If she cant make up her mind, i find this humiliating for me. Thats why i broke up with her, and the fact that she didnt even say "I dont want this, we have to work this out" shows she maybe wanted the same thing
Diezel Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 She is stringing you along just in case things with her ex go south and then she'll come back to you. Don't play that game. Stop talking to her. Block her number. Whatever it takes, because she's going to keep spinning all these lies to keep you around. 2
Author Kermit007 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) She is stringing you along just in case things with her ex go south and then she'll come back to you. Don't play that game. Stop talking to her. Block her number. Whatever it takes, because she's going to keep spinning all these lies to keep you around. I guess all of you are probably right. But still it's difficult to understand. She seems such a smart woman but has this flacky behaviour. Me and this other guy are also total opposites. He is even younger then me, he's 28, is a problem case. Has a history with drugs, cheated on her, has some form of autism, dude doesnt even have his own drivers licence. Dude doesnt even has his **** together. And most of all she said that they both dont have that much in common. Another point is he wants kids, and she doesnt. Me on the other hand, i've got a great job, my own house, my own car. I took her on long walks, the beach, citytrips, fun activities, restaurants, the movies, romantic dates and she said we have so much in common... Why the hell she would chose him over me...is beyond me. Seems to me that i have a lot more to offer. Guess she doesn't see it that way. And its not that i got to clingy and needy...cause i did still hang out with my friends. Anyway...i dont have rocksolid evidence that now we broke up, she is with the other guy,...i just dont know...What i do know i women just cant be trusted. She told me when we were dating she was stupid in the past thinking him and her would work....but still...she texted she missed him. Thats says one thing, and doing another Edited January 5, 2015 by Kermit007
flightplan Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 You're asking the wrong question. The real question is why would you choose her, if she is so hot and cold. Why are you willing to put up with it? What is it about her that you feel you can't let go? Fear of loneliness without her? etc... Quit asking about her motivations and focus on yours. You don't need to understand her... nor will you ever... spend your energy on understanding yourself. Do you want a woman like this? You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do... but right now, she's pulling your strings and you're confused? Get unconfused and do what's right for you. 2
Author Kermit007 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 You're asking the wrong question. The real question is why would you choose her, if she is so hot and cold. Why are you willing to put up with it? What is it about her that you feel you can't let go? Fear of loneliness without her? etc... Quit asking about her motivations and focus on yours. You don't need to understand her... nor will you ever... spend your energy on understanding yourself. Do you want a woman like this? You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do... but right now, she's pulling your strings and you're confused? Get unconfused and do what's right for you. Well i didnt put up with her hot and cold behaviour. Thats why it was me telling her it was over between us. I tought she would fight for us, but actually she didnt. But now after a couple of weeks she texts me all of the above... I dont know what to make of it, but i guess you guys are right. Its probably to keep me as backup
flightplan Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Well i didnt put up with her hot and cold behaviour. Thats why it was me telling her it was over between us. I tought she would fight for us, but actually she didnt. But now after a couple of weeks she texts me all of the above... I dont know what to make of it, but i guess you guys are right. Its probably to keep me as backup Hey, it's a hard thing to do. But a woman respects a man who respects himself and by responding to her, she knows she has you on a leash. Your instincts are right... Cut her off, go do what you do and focus on your stuff and let the chips fall where they may. 1
Author Kermit007 Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Hey, it's a hard thing to do. But a woman respects a man who respects himself and by responding to her, she knows she has you on a leash. Your instincts are right... Cut her off, go do what you do and focus on your stuff and let the chips fall where they may. So when she contacts me and ask me questions about my life i just dont respond anymore or do i respond with the message I'm not interested in talking to her unless its to discuss getting back together ? Or how does the no contact rule actually work...When do you respond ?
johnson_j Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 You don't reply at all. Nothing. Acknowledge nothing except a "I want to work it out and drop this other loser out of my life". You still haven't answered the obvious question of why you would want this drama-filled girl, who is apparently choosing a "druggie loser" over you. Why would you even entertain the thought of taking her back?
Holmes85 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) Kermit007, If you want my honest opinion, pack this girl up and send her home, let her initiate further contact with her Ex. Let her be in a relationship with him. You remove her from everywhere, you do not initiate any talk with her, you do not text, you do not respond, unless it has something to do about reconcilation, even then you don't budge easily. I can promise you this, if you distance yourself from her, allow her to explore her ex "again", the doubts are slowly going to start creeping in her mind whether it was the right decision to get back with her Ex and trust me you will hear from her again. You stand your ground and take the time for yourself and allow yourself to heal to get out of that emotional state of mind to view things more clearly. Edited January 5, 2015 by Holmes85 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 So when she contacts me and ask me questions about my life i just dont respond anymore or do i respond with the message I'm not interested in talking to her unless its to discuss getting back together ? Or how does the no contact rule actually work...When do you respond ? You don't respond. That's why it's called No Contact. And yes, unless she specifically says that she screwed up and wants to get back together (if that's something you want to do) then you don't talk to her. At all. No Contact means no contact. It's a pretty simple concept.
Author Kermit007 Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 You don't reply at all. Nothing. Acknowledge nothing except a "I want to work it out and drop this other loser out of my life". You still haven't answered the obvious question of why you would want this drama-filled girl, who is apparently choosing a "druggie loser" over you. Why would you even entertain the thought of taking her back? Well thats the thing...i dont know if she wants to get back together with the other guy. Its not that i have solid proof and i'm not going to investigate this either. I do believe the other guy is in some way involved and caused her to get more confused about us...
Author Kermit007 Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Kermit007, If you want my honest opinion, pack this girl up and send her home, let her initiate further contact with her Ex. Let her be in a relationship with him. You remove her from everywhere, you do not initiate any talk with her, you do not text, you do not respond, unless it has something to do about reconcilation, even then you don't budge easily. I can promise you this, if you distance yourself from her, allow her to explore her ex "again", the doubts are slowly going to start creeping in her mind whether it was the right decision to get back with her Ex and trust me you will hear from her again. You stand your ground and take the time for yourself and allow yourself to heal to get out of that emotional state of mind to view things more clearly. I never initiate contact with her, she always with me. I have always responded to be polite. I wont do that anymore unless she says she wants to work it out. But somehow...even tough she says "time will tell, i miss you, if we have to come back together we will" I dont believe this bull****...if she would really want to be with me, she would!!! I dont understand women...why in hell talk about moving in together, saying they are happy, talking about going on holiday.....if you have someone else who is still in your mind?! If I say things like that, i mean it with all my heart. In my opinion you dont say those things if you dont mean them. Why in hell do women tell you these things when they actually might want to opposite ?
johnson_j Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Well thats the thing...i dont know if she wants to get back together with the other guy. Its not that i have solid proof and i'm not going to investigate this either. I do believe the other guy is in some way involved and caused her to get more confused about us... But you do know, the fact that you're questioning it means there is smoke, and where there is smoke, there is a fire. She might not be with him per-se, but she let him get inside your relationship and ruin it with her, and she wouldn't do anything about it. Also - confused women will say what they want to happen, whether they have any intent or not. "Let's move in together" - means - "If I could forget this other guy I'd move in with you". She was saying things she wished could happen if she felt a certain way, but she doesn't feel it. Get it? Kind of like in a movie where a small guy is going to kick a big guys ass - he "pumps himself up" but knows the pounding that is coming. 1
Author Kermit007 Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 But you do know, the fact that you're questioning it means there is smoke, and where there is smoke, there is a fire. She might not be with him per-se, but she let him get inside your relationship and ruin it with her, and she wouldn't do anything about it. Also - confused women will say what they want to happen, whether they have any intent or not. "Let's move in together" - means - "If I could forget this other guy I'd move in with you". She was saying things she wished could happen if she felt a certain way, but she doesn't feel it. Get it? Kind of like in a movie where a small guy is going to kick a big guys ass - he "pumps himself up" but knows the pounding that is coming. Yes i have the feeling the ex did have something to do in the fact she got cold with me. Do I know if they are going to get back together ? No i dont, it could be a YES and it could be a NO. I'm not sure about this. I dont get the quote were you say when she says 'Let's move in together' - means 'If I could forget this other guy i'd move in with you' I mean no offense but, I didnt ask her to move in, she proposed it herself. Her exacts words were, we are both adults, so have about i move in with you somewhere beginning 2015. When she says something like that to me it doesnt give me the feeling like she will only do it if she could forget the other guy...dont know if that makes sense ?!
Holmes85 Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 I never initiate contact with her, she always with me. I have always responded to be polite. I wont do that anymore unless she says she wants to work it out. But somehow...even tough she says "time will tell, i miss you, if we have to come back together we will" I dont believe this bull****...if she would really want to be with me, she would!!! I dont understand women...why in hell talk about moving in together, saying they are happy, talking about going on holiday.....if you have someone else who is still in your mind?! If I say things like that, i mean it with all my heart. In my opinion you dont say those things if you dont mean them. Why in hell do women tell you these things when they actually might want to opposite ? Kermit, A Woman (or a man) who is breaking up with you, is never going to say they were wrong. They are not going to say "the reason I'm leaving you is because I like someone else who I think is the better deal than you are" , in fact down the road they would say "He/She is not the reason why I broke up with you in the first place". You might be wondering why won't they tell you this or say things that they don't really mean, thats because nobody wants to think what they are doing is bad, they want to feel confident that this is the right decision, they don't want their friends and family to say "you've turned into a slut / manwhore". Basically they don't want to second guess their decision. What they do is, they take the cowardly approach, which is whispering sweet things into your ears while plunging the knife deep inside you. This is why are you feel confused, because their actions don't match up with there words. 1
johnson_j Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 As Holmes stated, you're confused because she said a bunch of stuff that she didn't have any intention of doing. It's called "future faking". In their mind, a cheating woman develops a fake future with you, to try to get themselves more invested in you. Saying I'll move in is a classic one. But in reality she doesn't plan to move in, because she just likes the idea of it, but her heart/emotions lead her back to this ex. I bet she started talking other future plans as well. Just think about it. And no one will take any offense here, I am here to help you and pass forward the experiences I've learned. When you're heartbroken and emotional the logic and understanding sometimes is missing or misinterpreted. Post away bro.
Author Kermit007 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) As Holmes stated, you're confused because she said a bunch of stuff that she didn't have any intention of doing. It's called "future faking". In their mind, a cheating woman develops a fake future with you, to try to get themselves more invested in you. Saying I'll move in is a classic one. But in reality she doesn't plan to move in, because she just likes the idea of it, but her heart/emotions lead her back to this ex. I bet she started talking other future plans as well. Just think about it. And no one will take any offense here, I am here to help you and pass forward the experiences I've learned. When you're heartbroken and emotional the logic and understanding sometimes is missing or misinterpreted. Post away bro. Thank you all for your reactions. They have been very helpfull during this difficult time. I have been in full NC since sunday and altough its not easy it does give you time to think everything over and start looking it from another perspective. The more i think about it, the more i'm convinced she lied to me a lot. In the beginning we spend a lot of time together, the sex was hot, she was loving and caring (buying me little gifts sometimes, writing me an I love you card), said she loved spending time with me and she could have saved her self a lot a problems and hurt if she only had met me sooner. I have to admit, even tough it was me ending it and you could says i was the dumper, it does not feel like this. Sometimes you have to be the dumper, because you have not other option then to dump to other person. I feel like **** sometimes and just dont understand how she could just leave everything she had with me. We could have had such a wonderfull life together. Enjoyed a lot of the same things. I would have never intentionally hurt her. She meant the world to me, sometimes i think i didnt show it enough, what she actually told me. But still...argh everything hurts like hell and i hate the fact that maybe everything was just one big lie. When i was taking her on a romantic walk on the beach, hugged her, kissed her and felt great, she might have been thinking about some other dude or not felt the same way. I have to say, if this was the case, this is a woman who deserves an Oscar Award for best actress! I still have some questions tough: - Was I the rebound guy ? SHe did got cheated on by her ex, so i guess she wasnt feeling 100%, did she used me to get back on her feet ? Sometimes i think she did, then other times I dont. She seemed so crazy about me, hanged around me neck all the time. I have been reading online about some of the signs you are the rebound and almost none of the apply to me...She did introduce me to her friends and family, I was always asked along when she had to go somewhere and everytime we went out and knew somebody she immediately dragged me along and introduced me which i guess is a good sign... - After breaking up 3 weeks I noticed she took down all of are pics together on facebook except one. Its a normal one, we arent kissing and it could just be her with a friend as well. Last friday I also deleted my pics on my facebook. The next day she send me a text saying "I noticed you took down you facebook pics of us together, and didnt even left one. I cant forget everything that easy. But I guess its just your way of dealing with the situation. Take care x" So she still looks at my FB page.. Why does she send me something like that ? She took them down first, but when i do the same, its seems to bother her ??!! - The last time i went out, she was there as well. A friend of mine said that during the night she looked at me a couple of times from a distance to see what i was doing. And when i went over to the bar he said "Dude she was really looking at you when you walked to the bar and even followed you even if you dindt notice it." Why did she do that ? Thank you all! Edited January 7, 2015 by Kermit007
Diezel Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 #1: Stop worrying if you were rebound guy or not. It really doesn't matter. She's just another ex now. #2: Unfriend her and block her on Facebook. BECAUSE. #3: She did it because you were there and she knows you are still emotionally involved to a point and was hoping you'd notice. Or that your friend would do exactly that... talk about it. You're doing the classic "I don't really care but I kinda really do" thing. Are you sure you are committed to moving on?
Author Kermit007 Posted January 8, 2015 Author Posted January 8, 2015 Well guys my story has gotten a new chapter... I have been in NC since sunday and I have to admit...it's very hard. Yesterday she send me a long text. We used to work in the same building and before her I was seeing another girl that also worked in the same building. She and I dated 2 times but she just wasnt my thing. Since then I changed jobs but my ex and this other girl still work in the same building. Yesterday my ex send me a text saying the following "Hey I saw the other girl you were seeing before me at the new year reception, she was really drunk and was totally flirting with every guy, she really has no style and appartly she already told everybody you and me were over" I didnt respond to the text....Today my ex send me an email: "Did I say something wrong yesterday ? If you dont agree with me, you can say so..I guess the other girl already contacted you...maybe you even saw her since we broke up...." I havent respond to it....but i dont know what to do. I mean, since we broke up we have seen eachother, talked to eachother, texted eachother. Now I'm in NC and...well it doesnt feel supergood...It kinda gives the sign to her to **** Off, which probably is kinda weird to her cause the times we did have contact, we didnt argue... Have the feeling that, if i dont respond she'll get mad at me....and probably wont understand why more then a weeke ago i was still nice to her and now i do like she's dead to me... Any advice here ???
seminoles84 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Do not respond unless she's actually saying she wants to work it out. No BS it will only prolong your healing.
Diezel Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 She wrote those things to you on purpose in order to get a reaction. DONT GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION. Analyze that sentence she sent you. And then the text after. It's a missile directed at you to get you to react. You win by NOT reacting and just letting it slide. She's playing games. You, DON'T PLAY.
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