Author kenmore Posted January 21, 2015 Author Posted January 21, 2015 I hear you about lying in bed and having those thoughts. Many has been the morning when I awoke early (usually it's more like 4 am for me) and I just want to go back to sleep, and instead my mind just takes off. I usually have some drinks before bed too, and that helps me get to sleep. I did the same when my first wife died too. I know it doesn't help me stay asleep though, but we can't have it all :-) When my first wife died, I joined a forum much like this one but for widow(er)s, and there were so many people who were talking about how their anti-depressants helped them. I didn't want to try them because I just wanted to work through my grief. Of course nobody can know which is the better approach since we can't go down both paths at once. I don't know. A lot of what stops me is money. I have learned to live on the cheap and just don't wish to spend any money I don't need to (of course alcohol falls under the "need" category lol.) I also resist seeing a doctor because I don't want to spend the time. Those things will probably be the biggest reasons I don't go that route. It's still nice to hear what's helping and what isn't. So far, for me, what has worked the best (as I mentioned before) is distraction. As long as I can stay busy, I'm OK. I think that will be my key. Starting a new career definitely gives me cause to be busy, and I'm thankful for that! I appreciate your prayers and concern. I truly hope we both start to feel better and find what we need to see ourselves though this. Ken
ralfgarnett Posted January 21, 2015 Posted January 21, 2015 Hi Ken your a braver man than me I just don't seem able to cope very well, I don't mean cooking or housework that's not a problem I mean emotionally, I just cant seem to get her out of my head, I miss everything about her and yearn for the days that we were happy and together, its just so difficult trying to understand why she isn't here, I had 2 nice polite emails from her yesterday and they don't set me back or anything like that, I keep fizzing up insiside and I am getting urges to tell her just how much I miss her and just how much I love her but I am scacred it might push her even further away, right now I think there is almost no chance we can get back, but I think if I pressure her then there would be zero zero chance of that, I know its a longshot but the inner romantic in me still thinks that god willing there is some glimmer of hope that it could happen, however I am probably deluded and need to let her go if I am to move forward.
Author kenmore Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 Don't put yourself down my friend, I am not braver than you, our circumstances are just different. Also, I feel exactly the same way you do, remembering the way it was and missing her (and us) so much it hurts. We have spoken plenty. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's downright ugly, and sometimes it starts out nice and ends ugly. I can't think of a time when it started out ugly and got nice though. I know the reason for the ugliness is the resentment that has manifested between us since the breakup, partially caused by her resentment of me when we were together (and I never knew the extent of) and of course the ongoing legal crap we're going through. Since I told her too many times how I felt early on and know that only brings on more ugliness, I learned not to do that anymore. I suspect the inner "fizzing" you refer to is setting you back to some degree, but I can also relate completely to how it seems worth it just to have some kind of contact. Sometimes I even feel the ugly communication is better than none. Like you, I have that romantic feeling that somehow it will all work out in the end, but I'm sure we're not unique in that. That is discouraging, because of course I'd like to think my situation is "different", that somehow all of the others who finally accepted it's over and moved on didn't have what we had, but of course that's ridiculous. In the interest of self preservation, NC is best I'm sure, at least in my case (I can't speak for yours.) But since we're hammering out things like property rights and the legal forms, NC is pretty impossible right now. Once we're past this, I'm going to go back to it. I do feel very fortunate, though, that my work is not suffering from distraction from thinking about her lately. The reverse is true; the distraction of work is keeping me from constantly thinking about her. First and foremost my friend, is don't beat yourself up. What you're feeling is completely normal and of course it's so painful. Do what makes you get through it and be kind to yourself. Ken
ralfgarnett Posted January 25, 2015 Posted January 25, 2015 Don't put yourself down my friend, I am not braver than you, our circumstances are just different. Also, I feel exactly the same way you do, remembering the way it was and missing her (and us) so much it hurts. We have spoken plenty. Sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's downright ugly, and sometimes it starts out nice and ends ugly. I can't think of a time when it started out ugly and got nice though. I know the reason for the ugliness is the resentment that has manifested between us since the breakup, partially caused by her resentment of me when we were together (and I never knew the extent of) and of course the ongoing legal crap we're going through. Since I told her too many times how I felt early on and know that only brings on more ugliness, I learned not to do that anymore. I suspect the inner "fizzing" you refer to is setting you back to some degree, but I can also relate completely to how it seems worth it just to have some kind of contact. Sometimes I even feel the ugly communication is better than none. Like you, I have that romantic feeling that somehow it will all work out in the end, but I'm sure we're not unique in that. That is discouraging, because of course I'd like to think my situation is "different", that somehow all of the others who finally accepted it's over and moved on didn't have what we had, but of course that's ridiculous. In the interest of self preservation, NC is best I'm sure, at least in my case (I can't speak for yours.) But since we're hammering out things like property rights and the legal forms, NC is pretty impossible right now. Once we're past this, I'm going to go back to it. I do feel very fortunate, though, that my work is not suffering from distraction from thinking about her lately. The reverse is true; the distraction of work is keeping me from constantly thinking about her. First and foremost my friend, is don't beat yourself up. What you're feeling is completely normal and of course it's so painful. Do what makes you get through it and be kind to yourself. Ken Morning Ken I hope your coping with the weekend ok my friend ?, with reagrds NC I think you are probably right, however as she and I used to talk all the time I am finding it quite odd not to mention sinister that we have next to no contact with each other, we don't even talk on the phone any more all we do is swap the occasional email but that's it, I don't think its doing my mental health any good though as I think its playing games with my head a bit, that said there is a family anniversary coming up this week so I will drop her a line as she has done with me. I wish I had more distractions though, I hate working from home these days it does me absolutely no favours and I am sure that it has an impact on my health as there can be days that I see nobody unless I go seeking company, on the subject of company I have been occupied nearly all weekend, me and a pal of mine were invited out to a dinner party on Friday, I spent 4 hours yesterday helping out in my local church, then last night went out for a few pints with my mate but bailed out early as I was starting to notice too many couples and it was getting to me a bit, lunchrtime today I will be going for a few beers then home for dinner about 4pm or so, so all in all not been too bad a weekend there is company out there if you know where to find it. I must admit though as with most people I dread the start of the new week, I have counselling first thing Mondays which I look forward too as its usefull to me, but after that I have little or nothing to contend with other than work and when your de-motivated its not the best, but I have to get my head down and stuck in again as I need to earn to keep a float. Well mate that's all I have on my mind today, going to have a shave and a wash then get out for a pie and a pint as we say over here, hope all is well with you mate and your getting by, keep posting though as I think we can help each other.
Author kenmore Posted January 25, 2015 Author Posted January 25, 2015 Pie and a pint. Now that sounds great! I hope you enjoy it very much my friend. Every time I read one of your posts I feel as though I could have written it. I agree it seems so wrong not to be talking after many years of being together and sharing everything. The only reasons I can deal with it are: 1) I found that talking to her just makes things worse...I'm hoping that can change someday and 2) months ago I was reading about dealing with breakups and this one guy said "if you're in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging". That made a huge amount of sense and the simplicity of it is just awesome! My worst times are definitely the times I'm not busy. Today I am doing my disclosures and I'm sure that will bring me down, but I am pleased that I will be honorable when I do them. I want nothing from my wife financially and by doing my disclosures in a specific way, that's exactly what I'll get. It makes me feel proud to turn all of it down. She even offered me $5,000 to make sure the house that she has been paying for is not debatable. I told her to keep her money. But, for the next two weeks I will be at work (yeah, working from home definitely doesn't help as much, been there) manning incoming phone calls for insurance. And during the weekends, I have arranged to man some open houses for a Realtor in exchange for handing out a flyer for my agency (which consists of just me) and chatting a bit about it. I am also proud that I came up with that idea. The Realtor thinks it's awesome (he gets free help) and it will put me right in front of many people who will be needing to buy insurance soon. So, I will be working every day. All I want is to make something of myself. I never want to have to rely on anybody for financial assistance again! That motivation stirs something in me which is making me better and stronger. I can feel it. I hope you are having a great day buddy. Have a pint for me! Later when it's my turn, I'll drink to you too! Ken
ralfgarnett Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Pie and a pint. Now that sounds great! I hope you enjoy it very much my friend. Every time I read one of your posts I feel as though I could have written it. I agree it seems so wrong not to be talking after many years of being together and sharing everything. The only reasons I can deal with it are: 1) I found that talking to her just makes things worse...I'm hoping that can change someday and 2) months ago I was reading about dealing with breakups and this one guy said "if you're in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging". That made a huge amount of sense and the simplicity of it is just awesome! My worst times are definitely the times I'm not busy. Today I am doing my disclosures and I'm sure that will bring me down, but I am pleased that I will be honorable when I do them. I want nothing from my wife financially and by doing my disclosures in a specific way, that's exactly what I'll get. It makes me feel proud to turn all of it down. She even offered me $5,000 to make sure the house that she has been paying for is not debatable. I told her to keep her money. But, for the next two weeks I will be at work (yeah, working from home definitely doesn't help as much, been there) manning incoming phone calls for insurance. And during the weekends, I have arranged to man some open houses for a Realtor in exchange for handing out a flyer for my agency (which consists of just me) and chatting a bit about it. I am also proud that I came up with that idea. The Realtor thinks it's awesome (he gets free help) and it will put me right in front of many people who will be needing to buy insurance soon. So, I will be working every day. All I want is to make something of myself. I never want to have to rely on anybody for financial assistance again! That motivation stirs something in me which is making me better and stronger. I can feel it. I hope you are having a great day buddy. Have a pint for me! Later when it's my turn, I'll drink to you too! Ken Hi Ken sent you a PM earlier, just to let you know mate.
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