puppet Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 I've broken up with mm after many years. His wife knows and had gone berserk. She follows me and throws abuse at me. Will she stop or do you think I'm indanger?
CurlyIam Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Carry a paper spary in your bag, note down when she makes accusations, gather witnesses and don't hesitate to go to the police with it. You're half of her problem. The other half sleeps in her bed with her every night.
kkat Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 I had a similar situation when I lived with my ex-MM. She knew me since the relationship was completely public as he was supposedly divorcing her (he didn't) to marry me. She followed me places and approached me. Once she checked into a hotel where she knew we were staying and followed me around the hotel all night. She later did many other things that were borderline frightening, and I later learned about things she had done that had been hidden from me by him that were much more concerning. Having an affair with her husband isn't illegal but threatening someone is. Is she treatening you verbally? Coming to your home or place of work? Ideas: Have a trusted friend contact him and ask him if he is aware of what she is doing and let him know that you need and expect this to stop immediately. Maybe he can intervene and stop it, therefore making it more of his problem and less of yours. Make it clear to him and her that you will contact the police the next time this happens. Don't let the emotional drama get in the way of your judgement - if you think for a SECOND that you are in danger protect yourself by calling the police. I also agree w/ the suggestion that you keep very clear records of what she's doing - time, date, place, details, etc.- and make sure you also tell someone close to you (locally) of your concerns. She is in pain and angry, and for good reason, but if you can stop her from acting on it while she is so upset you'll be doing everyone - yourself, him, and her - a favor. Congratuations for getting out of the relationship. Good luck.
Owl Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Quick stupid question....I thought adultery IS illegal? Having an affair is illegal...but it's damned hard to prove. (So I thought) THAT is the difference.
Mr Spock Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Good question Owl, you'd have to get a legal definition if she was commiting adultery since she's not married..... You don't have to take sh*t from ANYONE. Yes her anger is understandable but in NO WAY justifies threatening behaviour. Get a restraining order, and have the police serve it to her. Often a dose of reality smartens people up, like when their inappropriate or violent behaviour is noticed by the law.
kkat Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Gosh Owl, I'm not sure really - maybe in some or all states it is illegal, although certainly not enforceable. Bottom line, the W, no matter how angry she is, shouldn't be threatening and following the ex-OW around - not good. Agree?
ww Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Sure we agree. But on the other hand, she is just angry human being ! And people react in million different ways. Anyhow I would confront her if I were in your shoes. I would warn her to stop. And I would tell her H too to do something about it.
ww Posted March 31, 2005 Posted March 31, 2005 Sure we agree. But on the other hand, she is just angry human being ! And people react in million different ways. Anyhow I would confront her if I were in your shoes. I would warn her to stop. And I would tell her H too to do something about it.
XNemesisX Posted April 1, 2005 Posted April 1, 2005 That would definitely worry me if I were you. And yes, her anger is certainly understandable but following you and stalking you is just completely inappropriate. Have you ever talked with this woman? Maybe apologizing to her and telling her that you and her H are no longer together, and never will be again will calm her down. ..possibly? I think she needs to be more angry at her H than at you. I hate how so many W's get so mad at the OW like it is strictly their fault when it is just as much their H's fault. Maybe talking to her will be enough. She is probably just really angry/jealous of you. Could she be following you to see what you look like or does she know already? I certainly understand her anger but there are certain lines no one should cross...stalking being one of them.
b52srock Posted April 2, 2005 Posted April 2, 2005 My STBex has been involved with another woman for close to 2 years now (of course he'll only admit to a few months...whatever!). While I did not and have no intention of ever "stalking" the OW, I will tell you that I went to her office, got right in her face, and calmly and quietly told her I knew what was going on. Didn't make a big scene, didn't embarass her in front of her co-workers (private office), but she knew that I knew. That was all I wanted. Was for her to know they hadn't been as clever hiding their affair as they thought they had been. The only other time I ever ran into her was about a month ago at a local bar. There was a gathering there for a local radio station I used to work for. She and the STBex didn't expect me to be there! I didn't cause a scene that time, either, just merely used some rather rude language about certain smells in a rather loud voice (it was a bar after all!). Within 15 minutes she'd high tailed it out the door. He'd already left her standing there when he saw me walk in. So no, "stalking" is not the right thing, but I do feel the humiliated wife DOES have the right to make the OW feel uncomfortable...within certain boundaries.
StillHurtin Posted April 2, 2005 Posted April 2, 2005 I didn't really stalk the OW either but I did call her a few times at work and at home and asked her what was going on between her and my H as several ppl told me they were having an A. After the third call telling her to "stay the f@ck away from him until the D was final" she hung up on me and I got a letter from H's lawyer that day stating if I contacted her again she would take legal action. When I talked to H he said that he made his lawyer write up the letter b/c the OW was going in and bitching him out b/c I called her. Sure was funny though b/c I was nice to her and she was nice to me and said she would talk to H about making the M work and she admitted he was having second doubts about the D, he didn't know what he wanted but she still got involved w/ him anyhow not knowing, or caring, that he was having second thoughts. She should of stepped aside and told him as long as he was having doubts (and he told me he was) she wasn't going to get involved w/ him. Anyhow, a couple months later he broke it off w/ OW and told her he wanted to work on our M but we continued to stay separated. She continued to call him after he told her to stop. She called one night when our kids and I were visiting him for the weekend. When I answered she started talking to me like nothing ever happened! I told her to stop calling or there was going to be he!! to pay (a restrainer order). Several months later we ran into her at the bar and I didn't say a word to her, I just gave her a dirty look whenever she walked past. I knew the OW for 3 years as her and H worked 2gether and yes, she did flirt w/ him, a lot, b/c H told me, and other ppl that worked w/ them told me. I don't agree that the W should be stalking the OW by following her around or threatening her. It is immature and not going to solve anything. I found that out the hard way. I was the OW (not to a MM though) and if his GF ever approached me and yelled and screamed at me she had every right to, I was sleeping w/ her man. I knew he was in a CR but I didn't care as I was young and stupid.
kkat Posted April 2, 2005 Posted April 2, 2005 I just think that it is entirely understandable (hello) that the BS is angry at the OW, and if they want to express that, they have a right to do that. I am obviously somewhat biased I suppose, but I do think the brunt of the responsibility lies with the MM in these situations, but still, I understand that the BS is angry and hurt and that realistically, some of that is going to be directed at the OW, at a minimum passively. However, no one should stalk or threaten another person - it's scary and dangerous as it can lead to generally nightmarish situations and potentially violence. In my situation, the W did things embarrassing to everyone (herself at the top of that list) and caused problems for me with work. In one example, she purchased a ticket to gain access to my work related function and walked around all night telling people I was f'ing her H (which was certainly accurate.) When she started stalking me, parking outside my home and work, calling my apartment, showing up at places I was, etc. - that crossed the line. But honestly, at that point his children were spending weekends and other time with ex-MM and I (we were living together by then) and the last thing I was going to do was try to get their mother arrested or something...I cared deeply for them and also felt badly for her instability. Now who has the last laugh! Guess that would be her! You know, I realized I as wrote this - I used to hate her and now I just wish her well - even though I don't even know her really.
puppet Posted April 3, 2005 Posted April 3, 2005 Thankyou everyone. She got very aggressive in front of my daughter and traumatized my little one with her threats to kill me. I took you advice and phoned the exMM at his home. He answered and explained that she may be having a nervous breakdown. He was only really concerned that I told her no details of things he bought me, places we'd been etc etc. Thinking about himself....he says yhat he is juat going to say nothing and wait for her to calm down and this to pass..... I know I did the wrong thing falling for a MM, but I believed his lies, and she lives with his lives. I do feel bad for her, but her threats in front of my little one is unforgiveable. My littleone had to stay the night at her nans as we were fearful for her and afraid of the woman. When the wife called me and called me a W**** I just calmly told her that "if this continues then I'm calling to police" I had to hang up on her. The crazy thing is I still love him and have to fight the urge to contact him all the time....
Guest Posted April 6, 2005 Posted April 6, 2005 If she calls you again I would call the police. Her threatening to kill you is terroristic threats and is illegal. It is awful she said all this right in front of your child. I hope she is leaving you alone. She has every right to yell and scream at you because you are sleeping with her H, but she has no right to threaten your life.
Mr Spock Posted April 7, 2005 Posted April 7, 2005 She has every right to yell and scream at you because you are sleeping with her H, but she has no right to threaten your life. She may think she has every right to yell and scream at you, but you don't have to stand around like a dumb mule and take it.
Guest Posted April 8, 2005 Posted April 8, 2005 I agree, I don't know anyone that would stand there and take it, they would walk away, start yelling back, or start beating the living crap out of the wife. This reminds of Fatal Attraction only the other way around, the wife is doing all the threatening, not the OW.
StillHurtin Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Originally posted by Owl Quick stupid question....I thought adultery IS illegal? Having an affair is illegal...but it's damned hard to prove. (So I thought) THAT is the difference. I don't think having an A is illegal, at least not in the state I live in. When I was going through my D I showed my lawyer the love notes and poems H wrote to the other woman. He was stupid and put "I love you!" in his handwritting on one of the letters and I reconized it. My lawyer said that the state I live in is a "no fault" state when it comes to infedility in a M, but he took copies of all the letters and poems and asked me if I was sure it was H's handwriting. The letters and the poems were all written on the computer.
cheatersrsad Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Holy Hannah! How DID you expect a married woman to react when she finds out her H is cheating? Craziness is certainly not abnormal considering the situation. I am a reasonable and calm woman, but if I found out my H was cheating/cheated and could confront the OW...I most certainly would. However, I ave a son and would never communicate with her in front of children. Bottomline...when people commit bad acts, they bring bad karma into their lives. You did just that.
Puppet Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by cheatersrsad Holy Hannah! How DID you expect a married woman to react when she finds out her H is cheating? Craziness is certainly not abnormal considering the situation. I am a reasonable and calm woman, but if I found out my H was cheating/cheated and could confront the OW...I most certainly would. However, I ave a son and would never communicate with her in front of children. Bottomline...when people commit bad acts, they bring bad karma into their lives. You did just that. Bad Karma for me....fine...accept that. But in front of my child......unforgiveable. All she suceeded in achieving was to make herself look undignified and caused contact yet again between myself and her husband. I told her about A, to get out of the mess, to bring out the truth. I was wrong....yes....he was wrong....yes.....her threatening me in front of little child....yes... Its a big wheel of bad Karma....
StillHurtin Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I know violence never solves anything, and just makes matters worse, but I had dreams several times a week during and after the A was over about beating the s*** out of the OW. In reality, I would never do it b/c for one, it's illegal, and another, I have my kids to think about. They don't need their mom sitting in jail and the OW wasn't worth my time, energy, or sitting in jail, and not to mention her possibly beating the s*** out of me, lol. Not saying when I seen her I just wanted to approach her and punch her or just yell at her but it wouldn't solve anything. She would just stand there and laugh like the little twit she is who doesn't give a flying f@ck about anyone else's feelings but her own. As long as she was getting what she wanted f@ck me and my kids.
followingthru Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 i would suggest trying to get a restraining order. or maybe telling her that you have learned your lesson and you will think twice before getting involved with a "mm" again.
shellys-trying Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 personally, whenever I talked to my H's ex-OW she was doing the bothering and I would warn her, leave my H alone or I'll getcha. I don't care if your whole family is standing by, I'll getcha. H's ex-OW was the stalker, but it is wrong, if you threaten anyone. Ex-OW told me once she would "stomp" my a**. It was spoken over the phone line with 15 miles seperating, need I say more? I told her, sure you say that over the phone, but say it to my face. She hung up! I have kept a distant eye on my H's ex-OW, but not for stalker reasons. I do it because of HER stalker behavior after the affair was over. I trust her as far as I can throw her. If she was to see H somewhere she's dumb and spiteful enough to speak to him and ask how he is. I won't even tolerate that. No trespassing! I think my H is smart enough to ignore her or tell her to drop dead! He better anyway! lol Just my opinion.
Puppet Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I understand how his W is hurting, but she went to far and public and the police had to have a word with her. The best thing is for all to have no contact. I had to have contact with ex MM because of W's actions. He is torn. He supported her to the police and then supports me after. He is still fence sitting to protect himself. He said he wanted it all to blow over and then get back together. What fools both me and W are. This man tells each what they want to hear. When he's with her he lies to her in front of me a scowls at me...... later on he calls to tell me it was an act to placate her. These MM are enough to drive all woman insane. I pity his wife and I hate myself for believing all those lies for all those years.
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