Erised Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 How do you suggest to people expressing interest that you want things to be casual without indicating that you are going to have casual sex (NTTAWWT but I'd hate to get hopes up for something that won't happen)? I'm clearly not in a mental place to be exclusive with anyone. Don't want an intense rebound whom I end up hurting. But it would be fun to date. And I've convinced myself (with the help of here) that there is no hope and I totally am overinflating my opinion of that guy anyways. Some more communication from him has helped this along. I have finally accepted it, for sure, and for good. I would like to casually date, multidate. Get to know people. Have fun. I don't want to hurt anyone and I know several are very interested. They've been waiting for a while. I couldn't properly evaluate them anymore than I could have if I had been in a legitimate relationship. My mind and heart was elsewhere. Is asking to start as if we just met cruel? They know I had been hung up on the other guy and wanted a chance anyways, but with one in particular I know he has very deep feelings already - in spite of everything - and I don't want to hurt him. I don't know that we could be together and not fall for each other. He's too much like me. And I just can't fall for anyone right now. My heart still kind of hurts. It's irresponsible and I'm not going to do it. I refuse. I really wish at this point they hadn't waited and I could have approached them as entirely new and been fair to them at the same time. I had asked them not to,and told them everything. There's a couple of guys who approached me in the last week. They should be easier, but do I share that I can't do a relationship yet? I'm sure I'll be able to months from now. I do not want to use another human being, though. This is all so new to me. I am sure I sound like an idiot. Last time I said I could take being harsh and I needed that, but this time be gentle please. It's a fragile empowerment I have going on now.
Popsicle Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Depends on if sex would be involved or not. If you want a FWB, guys would be lined up for that. If you just want to date but never progress to sex, that is called a "friend" rather than a date. And most guys don't like that either, ime.
Author Erised Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Depends on if sex would be involved or not. If you want a FWB, guys would be lined up for that. If you just want to date but never progress to sex, that is called a "friend" rather than a date. And most guys don't like that either, ime. Not never...but not immediately. Everything sexual would not be off the table... but I'm not going to have sex when I'm not exclusive and I can't do exclusive yet. I am not worried about anyone being unwilling to wait. I've never had sex quickly, and it's never been a problem, and I've never had someone unwilling to pursue me because of that. Several have been friends the past many months because they said they want to be my friend even if nothing comes from it... but I do want to date and see if anyone is compatible in that way. Just not an immediate relationship. I need time before I'm ready for that. I don't want a FWB.
Author Erised Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 I'm frankly not concerned if someone is not interested. Interest is not an issue. Finding people is not an issue for me. I'm mainly concerned with how to tell them and how not to hurt anyone, or overinvest past what I'm emotionally prepared to handle at this moment.
Gloria25 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I don't get your dilemma... Why can't you just say like "I like you a lot and think we'd be a match, but right now I'm not in the place where I believe I can give you what you want/need. If it's ok with you, I'd like to remain friends"? I think people appreciate clarity. When people start acting weird or making up funny stories, then it's hard for us to take them seriously. I mean on OLD. One time I contacted a dude. I was not in the age range he was looking for. Instead of simply "not responding" - like most people on OLD do, he was polite enough to tell me he like my pics, profile, but I wasn't the age he was interested in. He also wished me the best. I, in return, wished him the best. Booom, it was over. I wasn't hung up on him, wondering this and that. I try to do that on OLD. If I'm not interested, tell them that and wish them the best. I think people appreciate being treated with dignity - even if you're not interested in them or have stuff going on that block you from seeing them. I think when you treat people a certain way, you elicit a certain reaction. 1
Author Erised Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 I think people appreciate clarity. When people start acting weird or making up funny stories, then it's hard for us to take them seriously. I have been honest. My concern is to be honest but not say what I don't mean. Idon't want it to come across as I'm never interested , or they aren't good enough, or I want to see if I can do better...because that's just not the case. Especially with those who have been waiting for me to be available. I'm just not in a good place to give myself entirely right now and think trying to do so prematurely would be a bad move. Do I say just that, then? Thanks.
Gloria25 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I have been honest. My concern is to be honest but not say what I don't mean. Idon't want it to come across as I'm never interested , or they aren't good enough, or I want to see if I can do better...because that's just not the case. Especially with those who have been waiting for me to be available. I'm just not in a good place to give myself entirely right now and think trying to do so prematurely would be a bad move. Do I say just that, then? Thanks. Well, I guess there's no such thing as a "good break up/rejection". People are always gonna get hurt from bad news. I was thinking about your thread and my recent experience with a guy I was crushing on. He turned me down once and told me he was flattered, but no thanks. But I kept on trying cuz I thought he was still interested... Recently, I tried talking to him and he flat out ignored me. I would have appreciated it if he would have just said like "Hey, what I told you a while back hasn't change. I'm flattered, but not interested in you like that and I'm afraid that being friendly to you is going to mean more to you. So, I think its best you don't come here". I think the rejection still would have stung, but at least I would have clarity. I mean, now I am assuming he's disgusted with me and is so annoyed that he had to ignore me for me to "get the hint". I also, felt that he didn't have to diss me like that (the ignoring)...especially when he may have been sending me signals of attraction. I mean, at least he could of said like "Yeah, I'm attracted to you, but again - just not interested in doing anything about it cuz I am happy where I am right now - which is where I was before I met you". Period. So, I hope you get my point. Bad news is gonna suck anyways, but how you send the message, IMO, makes a difference. Now, if someone gets mean, nasty, annoying after you've given them clarity - then yeah at that point ignoring of maybe telling them to f-off is in order. Geesh, reminds me of the Sex and the City where that idiot broke up with Carrie on a sticky-note.
Popsicle Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Not never...but not immediately. Everything sexual would not be off the table... but I'm not going to have sex when I'm not exclusive and I can't do exclusive yet. I am not worried about anyone being unwilling to wait. I've never had sex quickly, and it's never been a problem, and I've never had someone unwilling to pursue me because of that. Several have been friends the past many months because they said they want to be my friend even if nothing comes from it... but I do want to date and see if anyone is compatible in that way. Just not an immediate relationship. I need time before I'm ready for that. I don't want a FWB. Your wording is going to confuse the menz. Just saying...
Author Erised Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Well, I guess there's no such thing as a "good break up/rejection". People are always gonna get hurt from bad news. Idon't want it to be a rejection , though. I mean, it's okay if they said they don't want to be a part of it if I can't offer a relationship immediately, but I'm not rejecting any person. Just want to evaluate slowly and intentionally.
Author Erised Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Your wording is going to confuse the menz. Just saying... Does it help that anyone I'm interested in will have a very high IQ? What would be clearer, but express what I mean?
Gloria25 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Idon't want it to be a rejection , though. I mean, it's okay if they said they don't want to be a part of it if I can't offer a relationship immediately, but I'm not rejecting any person. Just want to evaluate slowly and intentionally. Well, its still kinda bad news for that person.... I mean, even "if" they believe you - they still might think "geesh, wasn't I good enough for them to push aside whatever they had going on to become available for me?" Then, they gotta wonder if they should keep all their eggs in one basket or see others while they wait on you to get your stuff together. I mean, with my recent crush I had already exchanged tel with a dude, but figured I'd put that on hold to look at the crush...then, before you know it the holidays kicked in and I wasted so much time on something that didn't pan out. So, try to understand that while you're not "rejecting" them - they still aren't gonna take it well with what you're telling them. So, it could go either way. They could understand and be ok and be friends with you or take it as a rejection. But, just be ready that if they do decide to stay in contact with you, they might not put all their eggs in one basket waiting on you.
Popsicle Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) Does it help that anyone I'm interested in will have a very high IQ? What would be clearer, but express what I mean? I think to say that you want to take things very slowly. Say that you want to make sure it's right. Leave the not wanting to be exclusive part out. Keep in mind that even saying this, not every guy is going to want to take you up on it. Do not take that personally. Edited January 5, 2015 by Popsicle
Author Erised Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Well, its still kinda bad news for that person.... I mean, even "if" they believe you - they still might think "geesh, wasn't I good enough for them to push aside whatever they had going on to become available for me?" Then, they gotta wonder if they should keep all their eggs in one basket or see others while they wait on you to get your stuff together. I mean, with my recent crush I had already exchanged tel with a dude, but figured I'd put that on hold to look at the crush...then, before you know it the holidays kicked in and I wasted so much time on something that didn't pan out. So, try to understand that while you're not "rejecting" them - they still aren't gonna take it well with what you're telling them. So, it could go either way. They could understand and be ok and be friends with you or take it as a rejection. But, just be ready that if they do decide to stay in contact with you, they might not put all their eggs in one basket waiting on you. Oh no no no. I would want them to date others. I don't know if they would, since they haven't been, but that would be much better. I never really want someone so one sided.
Author Erised Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 I think to say that you want to take things very slowly. Say that you want to make sure it's right. Leave the not wanting to be exclusive part out. Keep in mind that even saying this, not every guy is going to want to take you up on it. Do not take that personally. Really not worried about that, and certainly wouldn't be hurt by it.
Popsicle Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Oh no no no. I would want them to date others. I don't know if they would, since they haven't been, but that would be much better. I never really want someone so one sided. OKay, then say that you want to take things really slowly and don't want to be exclusive. 1
guest569 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Just make it clear from early on that you are not looking for a committed relationship. I think that is pretty clear.
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