Typewriter Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Hi Everyone! So I just returned from quite an interesting excursion with a female friend/love-interest of mine. We had a really good time and I feel like we really opened up to each other. However, in the middle of the date/activity we sat down and had a quite long talk, in which she asked what I was looking for in our friendship/relationship. While also mentioning that she did not want to hurt me as she was going through some personal issues. In the moment I took this as a roundabout way of saying that she only wanted to be friends, and would like not to hurt me by refusing any romantic advances. However, as I pondered it further I'm not sure if it necessarily excludes the possibility that she might be romantically interested. Especially as she has talked a lot about future activities we might do, as well as how similar we are. After having our talk, I did not make any physical advances besides hugging her goodbye, and do not know how she might react if I make any advances going forward. What do you think of this situation? Is she saying that I've been friendzoned in a roundabout way? Or on the contrary, is she interested? Or is it impossible to say based on current information, and that I should investigate further by making actual physical advances next time we go out? Thus risking pushing her away as a friend if I'm mistaken. It's worth to mention that we don't speak the same first-language, and that she was expressing herself using her second language - which might suggest it was just an odd phrasing and that I am reading to heavily into it.
hoping2heal Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Why not just ask her? I think that would settle all. You can get many responses on the board, but none will be able to tell you what she truly means. Only she can do that..ask her so you know its better than analyzing. 2
toscaroscura Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 IME it's one of two things: A soft rejection. Whatever her reasons are, she doesn't want to date and more importantly, she doesn't like you enough to get beyond whatever barrier she has. Or, she could be interested but it's a red flag. I've found that anytime someone says they don't want to hurt you, they end up hurting you. Same with if they tell you they are a jerk, or crazy, or that they aren't good enough for you. When people tell you who they are, believe them! Either way, it doesn't look good. 4
shet Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 As a man, I've said this or something similar to the few women I've been involved with every time, because I feel it. Unlike many people today I've never dated someone via OLD or a club pickup, who has no baggage, nothing invested, and is ready and armoured for anything. It's always been friends or acquaintances with a lot hinging on the prospect of romantic entanglement. It's dangerous. Perhaps if I was more callous, less of a sensitive man, I wouldn't care. It's never been a rejection on my part, but a legitimate concern. Coming from women, though, I can't help thinking it's a rejection. Especially the bit about "personal problems" is a classic. But since she doesn't speak the language it is possible you got the wrong impression and she is basically doing as I do. If you can sit and discuss it like that then you can sit and discuss it again and clear the issue up.
Assada Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Hi Everyone! So I just returned from quite an interesting excursion with a female friend/love-interest of mine. We had a really good time and I feel like we really opened up to each other. However, in the middle of the date/activity we sat down and had a quite long talk, in which she asked what I was looking for in our friendship/relationship. While also mentioning that she did not want to hurt me as she was going through some personal issues. In the moment I took this as a roundabout way of saying that she only wanted to be friends, and would like not to hurt me by refusing any romantic advances. However, as I pondered it further I'm not sure if it necessarily excludes the possibility that she might be romantically interested. Especially as she has talked a lot about future activities we might do, as well as how similar we are. After having our talk, I did not make any physical advances besides hugging her goodbye, and do not know how she might react if I make any advances going forward. What do you think of this situation? Is she saying that I've been friendzoned in a roundabout way? Or on the contrary, is she interested? Or is it impossible to say based on current information, and that I should investigate further by making actual physical advances next time we go out? Thus risking pushing her away as a friend if I'm mistaken. It's worth to mention that we don't speak the same first-language, and that she was expressing herself using her second language - which might suggest it was just an odd phrasing and that I am reading to heavily into it. I think she is saying that other guys are in the picture, and she likes you but she cant commit so early to you. So she's saying, lets not have any labels, and lets keep doing what we do. Thats it
newlyborn Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 if she is concerned about hurting you, she already senses that you have stronger feelings for her than she has for you. this does not mean that she doesn't like you romantically, but it does mean that you have to pull back a bit. 1
regine_phalange Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Yes, it's synonymous with no romantic interest and at the same time liking you as a person.
kendahke Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Hi Everyone! So I just returned from quite an interesting excursion with a female friend/love-interest of mine. We had a really good time and I feel like we really opened up to each other. However, in the middle of the date/activity we sat down and had a quite long talk, in which she asked what I was looking for in our friendship/relationship. While also mentioning that she did not want to hurt me as she was going through some personal issues. In the moment I took this as a roundabout way of saying that she only wanted to be friends, and would like not to hurt me by refusing any romantic advances. However, as I pondered it further I'm not sure if it necessarily excludes the possibility that she might be romantically interested. Especially as she has talked a lot about future activities we might do, as well as how similar we are. After having our talk, I did not make any physical advances besides hugging her goodbye, and do not know how she might react if I make any advances going forward. What do you think of this situation? Is she saying that I've been friendzoned in a roundabout way? Or on the contrary, is she interested? Or is it impossible to say based on current information, and that I should investigate further by making actual physical advances next time we go out? Thus risking pushing her away as a friend if I'm mistaken. It's worth to mention that we don't speak the same first-language, and that she was expressing herself using her second language - which might suggest it was just an odd phrasing and that I am reading to heavily into it. I think that she's telling you that she's going through some personal things right now and doesn't have the focus to make you a priority. That doesn't preclude her from wanting to do fun activities with you, but she's not in a position to reciprocate on the emotional level. You are wanting what you want, but she's not the girl from whom you can get it right now. You will definitely be either friendzoned or dropped off at the mall if you dont' respect what she's telling you. Right now, this ball is in her court. If she doesn't return your advances, then you need to respect that and don't push or pressure her for something she's not in a position to give to you. She's given you fair warning that you may end up hurt if you push for more. Don't act brand new.
changchewsoon Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 The last time I heard that exact same words uttered to me by a woman, she was actually already engaged to a guy which I had no idea about. The rest was history. So yeah, run like a wind.
Survivor12 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I am curious as to why you seemed reluctant to refer to your "excursion" as a date. Even when you did use the word "date", you qualified it with "activity". Was it in fact a romantic date that was mutually agreed upon in advance or was it orchestrated under the pretense of friendship?
Redhead14 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Hi Everyone! So I just returned from quite an interesting excursion with a female friend/love-interest of mine. We had a really good time and I feel like we really opened up to each other. However, in the middle of the date/activity we sat down and had a quite long talk, in which she asked what I was looking for in our friendship/relationship. While also mentioning that she did not want to hurt me as she was going through some personal issues. In the moment I took this as a roundabout way of saying that she only wanted to be friends, and would like not to hurt me by refusing any romantic advances. However, as I pondered it further I'm not sure if it necessarily excludes the possibility that she might be romantically interested. Especially as she has talked a lot about future activities we might do, as well as how similar we are. After having our talk, I did not make any physical advances besides hugging her goodbye, and do not know how she might react if I make any advances going forward. What do you think of this situation? Is she saying that I've been friendzoned in a roundabout way? Or on the contrary, is she interested? Or is it impossible to say based on current information, and that I should investigate further by making actual physical advances next time we go out? Thus risking pushing her away as a friend if I'm mistaken. It's worth to mention that we don't speak the same first-language, and that she was expressing herself using her second language - which might suggest it was just an odd phrasing and that I am reading to heavily into it. It is possible she wants a relationship with you or someone at least, but because of whatever personal issues she's experiencing she may not be able to move forward as quickly as you might hope. She's just telling you that there are some things going on that may actually cause you to back away and to be prepared for that. She's trying to be fair about it. You would have to know more about her. What it is she is looking for out of her dating experiences, her emotional history, i.e. whether she's been hurt in past relationships, whether she has some emotional issues, like alcoholism or past abuse that has caused her to feel she's failed someone in a relationship. Sometimes people who feel responsible for the failure of a past relationship, will say this because they are afraid that whatever it is that they did in that relationship will occur again in a new relationship. It is their way of warning you that there may be somethings you don't know about them yet that may cause you to back away. If she continues to see you and you are truly interested in more with her, you need to be patient and listen very carefully and observe their behavior. You may find that even though they've had some significant issues, that they've made the effort to resolve, control or overcome them. If that is the case, and you are still wanting a relationship with that person, you're patience will be key. You should, however, try to keep your emotions in check so as not to begin to overlook or excuse behaviors that are detrimental to the relationship. In other words, if it becomes clear that they have not overcome or are even attempting to overcome those issues, do not allow yourself to lose yourself in the process. If that person is still so broken as to not have the capacity for a relationship, you need to move on. You cannot think that you will be "the one" to help them. They have to want that for themselves. Just pay attention to how they treat you, how they make you feel and whether they are investing themselves for you.
Redhead14 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I also want to say that it is true sometimes when a person says "I don't want to hurt you, it means they aren't serious about you. How do you really know what they mean? If the above is true, they don't stick around long. In other words, if they don't want something serious with you, they will move on fairly quickly and/or you will get mixed signals all the time, just to keep you in a holding pattern until they do find someone else. They won't continue to date you for months and months, usually, unless they are very, very smooth and you aren't paying attention. They might say this early on and then move on, but they won't continue to date you. If they say this and continue to date you, they are open to having a relationship but just warning you that you may likely see somethings down the road that may make you want out and what they are doing is protecting themselves. The truth is, in this case, it's up do you to decide whether those things that they are afraid of are actually a problem for you. If they aren't, just let things grow gradually.
Frank2thepoint Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 However, in the middle of the date/activity we sat down and had a quite long talk, in which she asked what I was looking for in our friendship/relationship. While also mentioning that she did not want to hurt me as she was going through some personal issues. I bet the "personal issues" she is going through is an ex. She maybe still be recovering from the pain, or the ex is still in the picture and she's still has lingering feelings. If you like the activities you guys do together, and can see her as a friend, then continue to do so. If you have nascent feelings for her, and it would be hard to keep her as just a friend, then let her go.
soyou Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I've said or used this line or similar lines so many times ( I dint want to hur you, I dont want to hurt your feelings, I dont want to be unfair to you, I think you deserve better, etc). It's my soft way of saying "No, I dont see anything potential with you". The reason why I used such a soft rejecting because: 1) the person is nice and he deserves a respecful and polite rejection 2) or maybe, I want to have some fun with him without comitting into a relationship with him.
stillafool Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 "I don't want to hurt you." When I've said the above it meant I didn't have a romantic interest and any further communication with that person might give them the impression I have changed my mind. Please move on and don't even question it again.
Author Typewriter Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) I am curious as to why you seemed reluctant to refer to your "excursion" as a date. Even when you did use the word "date", you qualified it with "activity". Was it in fact a romantic date that was mutually agreed upon in advance or was it orchestrated under the pretense of friendship? It certainly may not have been as explicit as I would have liked it to be. Our 'date' occurred under the pretenses of getting to know one another. However, as I paid for her dinner and complimented her appearances, I feel like I did enough to establish it as, if nothing else, a 'non-date date'. I bet the "personal issues" she is going through is an ex. She maybe still be recovering from the pain, or the ex is still in the picture and she's still has lingering feelings. As a part of our serious conversation she went into some detail of what she has been struggling with. And without downplaying it, I felt like it was sort of what most people go through, i.e personal and professional soul searching as well as uncertainty for the future. "I don't want to hurt you." When I've said the above it meant I didn't have a romantic interest and any further communication with that person might give them the impression I have changed my mind. Please move on and don't even question it again. This was my initial reaction as well. But both before and after our talk, she was adamant on us having to do more things in the future. For instance, watching movies, going out for drinks and going to concerts. I understand that there might be no romantic interest, but there is definitely social interest (which is mutual). Also, there was no mention of doing anything together with mutual friends of ours, which I'm not sure means anything but I thought was interesting. What I'm thinking for now is to give it a few days, see if she contacts me and continue from there. Even if I end up contacting her, I'll try not to propose anything in order to see what she's thinking. If we go out in the future, I'll use my (admittedly) flawed instincts to gauge her interest. Edited January 5, 2015 by Typewriter
Author Typewriter Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Sorry for the double-post. I just wanted to add that she just texted me and asked how I was doing. Nothing major, but she is certainly not avoiding me.
preraph Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 It's a way of washing their hands of responsibility for when they hurt you -- and they will. Bail now so it only hurts a little.
Author Typewriter Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 So she just invited me to her place this Saturday night to watch a movie. We've talked previously about wine-tasting being one of my favorite hobbies, and she said she bought some which she said might interest me. Sounds like the prototypical date to me? But it also sounds like something I might do with my bros if one substituted the wine for beer. I would really like to know if there is romantic interest on her part, at the same time - I don't want to alienate her? Would she invite me to her place like that if she wasn't interested?
newlyborn Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 there might be some romantic interest. or she might want to be friends. i don't know about men actively building friendships with women. but i know that women are generally open to having guy friends and will build and nurture those friendships with no romantic interest. hence, the dreaded friend zone... i def think that her telling you that she didn't want to hurt you was her signaling some worrisome things: that you are more into her than she is into you and she knows this, that she may not be in the place emotionally to have a relationship with you, that she is keeping her options open. it is up for you to decide if spending time with her is worth the risk if a romance is not really on the table for you. if you are in control of your emotions, genuinely like her as a person, then go and see what's up.
Toodaloo Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 When I have used it it means just that. I am saying that I am interested but I am not ready.
elaine567 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 It really depends on what those "personal issues" are and that is what you have to find out before you make any decisions as to what she actually meant. Personal issues can mean just about anything, ie my family would never accept you, I am still in love with my ex, I am leaving town in 6 months, I have a health problem, I have a mental health problem, I have family members depending on me just now, I need to sort out what I am going to to do with my life, etc. A relationship would just complicate matters. OR I dont really have any "personal issues", but you are a great guy, I like you, but I do not see this going anywhere though. Investigate the "personal issues", if they seem trivial or made up then you probably have your answer.
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I don't think it's fair to either person to make an assumption as to what THEY mean by that statement. It can mean different things to different people. We are asking the question here instead of asking the person who said it. Women/men will assume it means that person doesn't want a relationship and either just move on without a discussion or ignore it, assume they are going to be the one who breaks through the "barrier" without a discussion. It's like anything, if you don't understand what they mean, ask for clarification in a mature way and have an adult conversation. Maybe they've had failed relationships and blame themselves, but still want to try to have a relationship and just wants the other person to know they need to be patient. There are alot of maybe's. Why discard a potential partner based on a maybe?
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