sillykitty Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I'll try to keep this short and to the point as much as I can. I posted on here a year ago after I (35) fell for a guy (37) and dated him about a month (not long, I know). He seemed to have very strong feelings for me, and told me this on our second date, and said he hadn't felt like that about someone since his divorce three years ago. Unfortunately his mom was diagnosed with cancer and he said he couldn't continue to date because of that and also his work schedule (he has a very demanding job). I understood completely and left the door open to dating again if he felt up to it in the future. But something nagged at me that this didn't make sense, given how he seemed to have such strong feelings for me and he had been looking actively for three years for a new possible LTR. I politely asked in our last email conversation that I was a bit confused and if this had to do with a change in his feelings about me, and if that was the case, I completely understood and wouldn't take it personally. He did not respond. He had turned so cold, it was completely unlike how he was when we had dated. I thought maybe it was because he was stressed about his mom, but I figured I had made my feelings clear and needed to move on. A month later I viewed his online dating profile (how we met) and noticed it was edited some, which meant that he was actively dating again. I wasn't terribly surprised, but was very upset that he hadn't been honest with me about the real reason why he didn't want to date me anymore, after so many things he had said and done to win me over. I sent him an email explaining how I felt and basically told him off for being cruel, and asked that he not do this to someone else again. He didn't respond back, which I expected, but he stopped logging into his dating profile immediately (but it was still visible). I expected him to continue dating as usual, so I was a little surprised by this. About three months later, I activated my dating profile again (I had kept it invisible because I wanted to get over him first, and was also busy with a new job). During these months, he had continued to be inactive on his (no log-ins). I thought this was weird because he had gotten back on there soon after his mom got sick. I maintained no contact with him during this whole time. Immediately after I re-activated my profile, he was active for three days in a row on his. Then he went inactive again and a few weeks later deleted his completely. This was during this past early summer. I started to feel bad for the mean email I had sent him and texted him an apology. He responded back pretty quickly that it was ok, thanks. We exchanged very brief texts about how his mom was doing, but I could tell he wasn't interested in communicating with me and I ended it by saying I still didn't understand why he had stopped wanting to see me and that I guessed I would never know why. Again, not even a general explanation from his end, even after I apologized for my mean email and he responded to that. Since then, about 6 months ago, I have not contacted him again, and he never activated his profile again. I found out about 2 months ago through social media that about 1-2 weeks after I had re-activated my dating profile, he started dating another girl, someone I think he already knew who doesn't even live here locally. I remembered seeing her like his FB posts pretty often, but he didn't seem to interact with her at the time. (Note: I defriended him soon after we stopped dating so I could move on, but I can still see the profile pictures both of them post (none of their profile pics are of them together though). I was again heartbroken, but have done my best to move on. I thought their relationship might have cooled off in the fall, but just yesterday saw a new profile picture of her on New Years Eve along with a favorable comment from him. I can't say how much that hurt. I thought this new relationship might be some weird rebound, because he had told me he had a rebound after his divorce. Above all, the timing of this new relationship seems weird, occurring so soon after I reactivated my dating profile. I know he had met many, many women during three years of online dating and hadn't had strong feelings for any of them or dated any of them for a period of time. And he suddenly is in a long-term relationship right after he sees I was online dating again? He knows I don't do rebounds (something we talked about.) One last point: his ex cheated on him and that's why he got divorced. He seemed very insecure when we were dating, which I thought was odd because he had no reason to be insecure. On our last date, I paid for dinner because I didn't want him to think I was using him for that, and he seemed very hurt and surprised, and then shook it off. His mom was diagnosed a week later and everything seemed to end there. I know even typing this how pathetic all this sounds, but I really just can't move on from this guy it seems like. I'm leaving out a lot of context here to try to keep this somewhat short, but I guess my main point is why would a guy refuse to give an honest explanation for why he lost feelings for me? Even after I have made it clear I preferred that and would like that to move on, and after I explained by email how much that hurt and confused me. This has happened to me twice in two previous LTR's, and both exes finally admitted they didn't have a reason and didn't know why they didn't want to commit to me for real. Incidentally, both guys are still single to my knowledge and have tried to resume contact with me through FB, but I refuse after the pain they dragged me through. I'm sure I'll never see the current guy in question again, so just felt the need to vent. Sorry guys.... This has crushed me.
Ieris Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I think you should stop looking at his stuff on social media, you'll become obsessive over every little thing. He has moved on with his life and you should do so too, he just wasn't the guy for you. Sounds like you want closure as to why he broke things off but to be honest sometimes the real answer is more hurtful than not knowing. Some times I talk to my male mates about why they broke up with certain girls and their answers are so foul. Her breath stinks, the way she eats and talks puts me off, she tries too hard etc whatever the reason, they're not going to tell it to them straight and just pull one of those generic lines like "I'm not ready for a relationship". I am not saying this is the case for you but whatever the reason, they all put to the same outcomes which is "this isn't going to work" so accept that and let go. 1
Author sillykitty Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Thanks, Ieris - I appreciate your feedback and agree with what you say. Although I'm good about not contacting someone after a break-up, I admit I have been obsessive about what "clues" and tidbits I can pick up from social media about what my ex is up to as far as dating anyone else, since I didn't really get closure from him directly. I am going to try to not look at social media for at least a few months. And like you said, I have wondered if there is some horrible reason why he didn't want to keep dating me and didn't want to tell me, such as having bad breath or my place smells, etc. God I hope not. I am just always up front about my feelings if I don't want to continue seeing someone, which I had to figure out on my own in this situation since this guy just dropped me out of the blue with no explanation. And I wonder what this new girl has that I don't. One bad thing I didn't mention is I am pretty sure this guy is going to run for state-wide public office very soon, and I'm going to have to deal with mentions of that in our local media, etc. Just another challenge to deal with coming up... Thanks again for your feedback.
mammasita Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 You dated for a month, that's realistically - what, 3 dates? He's obviously a coward when it comes to being honest with you and will get nothing from him as far as an explanation. Let it gooooooooooo. 1
Author sillykitty Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Yep, he's a coward - I told him that in my mean email. The thing that gets me is he prides himself on being a big Christian, and growing spiritually, etc. Barf. Walk the talk, is all I want to say. I've known atheists more moral and considerate than him. We went on 4 dates, which is nothing I know, but he very heavily pursued me on these dates and was constantly emailing and texting me, with references to the future (what we would do, etc.) and he said things that implied he was glad he didn't have to date/meet other people anymore (because he had met me). There was a bunch of stuff he said and did... I think I've blocked most of it from memory since it's painful to remember now. I told him in my mean email it seemed like as soon as I started to return his feelings, he lost interest.
hoping2heal Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 You dated for one month and that led you to continually keep tabs on him, his life, his dating life, etc. He for some reason seemed to think he couldn't be honest with you about what the real reason was. I would bet based on your behavior, that you were either too intense, too eager, or moving way too fast for his comfort level. I don't mean to minimize the feelings that can develop in a month, but your level of following his every move and analyzing all because of one month of dating probably is connected to the reason the alarm bells went off about you in the first place. 1
dyna85 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Went through something eerily eerily similar to this recently, so I can relate very much. Can't explain the cowardly non response to your request for closure. Same exact thing happened to me. Never before has a guy done this so it's been a shock to my system. I at least expected the decency of a response. To have him leave me hanging was just cold--as in your case. It's very unsettling and upsetting, and I completely understand the hurt from lack of closure. We're not gonna get the closure from these fools though. My advice to you though is to do NC the real way and that means no looking him up on social media or elsewhere. You gotta be strong and fight the urge. I've only checked my guy's FB pg like 2 times and it had me spiral downward in a major way, so just say no to that. The fact that you're keeping tabs and even know what's going on with his current dating life is not good. I don't even want to know because I know that would just further deepen the wound. I know how crushed you feel. I feel the same. It's like--the way he ended it (without explanation) taints your whole view of him and makes you question everything. It's an awful awful thing to go through and I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. Being left hanging like this is something I've never experienced. Like you, I'd much prefer any response to nothing. Disregard the rude advice from people who haven't been there. It's one thing to imagine the feeling of someone cut you off with no explanation. It's another to actually live it... esp when you felt you were getting close with the person. No one knows unless they've actually been in our shoes. Trust me, if I could tell my heart to shut the eff up, I would. It's not that simple.
erklat Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Unrealized potential of intensive short term rs crushes you like A train wreck. I know the feeling all too well. However clinging and overanalyzing will do you no good.
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