This guy is so conflicting

[amkxoxo]

So I posted about this a while ago and never really followed up. Stuff has happened since so I wanted to post on it. It all started weeny friend from college introduced me to her two guy friends Dan and John from high school. The first meeting was nice. The four of us went out to a bar drinking and had a good time. Dan was shy but attractive and funny. John was more talkative. My friend, Mindy, informed me that John had asked her out previously but she was not interested in him. Well later that night he sort of asked me out too. I denied him nicely and kept things cordial. John was not my type at all.

 

The four of us went out many weeks later and to my surprise Dan came up and hugged me and acted very friendly. He and I hit it off really well and had a great time talking. At one point another friend of ours came and she drank a lot and got really sick. Mindy was so frazzled since this girl was her friend and not ours and Mindy didn't know what to do. Dan and John helped a lot and I was quite shocked myself since I didn't know her. At one point Dan whispered to me to come to the bar with him to go get the sick girl water. I lead the way and almost got crushed by this other guy practically walking into me. I froze and Dan pushed him off of me. We talked and laughed at the bar while waiting for the bartender. The night was ruined because of the sick girl. Days later Mindy told me that the whole night John was making bitter jealous comments about Dan and I. Mindy claimed John even said how we would make a great couple.

 

The next time we went out the four of us again Dan and I talked and talked again. We were hitting it off and at one point I think we were talking so long that I noticed Mindy and John standing near us fake laughing and pretending to be us talking. Making fun of us. At the end of the night I had them back to my apartment. We were laughing and hanging out. Dan and I were again taking and joking. At one point Dan and I separated from Mindy and John and were laughing in the kitchen. We were talking and then I wanted to show him something in my room. I dragged him in my bedroom and showed him something I had bought. Then we were just standing talking again. We talked for a while and then I finally sat on the floor. I wasn't going to have us sit in my bed, because I knew that gave the wrong idea. He sat across from me and we talked for a long time. Only talked. Every so often John followed by Mindy would come around the corner in the doorway and John would give us a look. Nothing happened but I started to have a major crush on Dan. He seemed pretty interested too. We talked about life, past relationships briefly, school, he future, goals, family.

 

A day later Mindy told me that while Dan and I were in my bedroom, John was convinced we were doing something more than talking. Mindy said she told John I wasn't that type of girl at all, but he kept coming in to check on us to see what was happening. Mindy said John couldn't believe that all we did was talk.

 

Mindy said John made some comments about Dan and I together. Mindy also told me how John started to like her again and wanted her to come over and hang out with him. He also told her that he was sure Dan would like if I came over too. So John got the impression that Dan was into me. As did I.

 

A few days later Dan starts privately talking to me on Facebook. I got so excited I couldn't contain myself. After a short period of talking back and forth he then suddenly asks me if I can have a new years party and have people over because he wants to tell his friends. I then was shattered that the only reason he was talking to me was because he wanted a venue for a party. That hurt. When I eventually told him I couldn't have the party, he stopped talking to me on Facebook.

 

That hurt my feelings.

 

Then the next time we all went out I thought it would be the four of us again, but when we got there Dan and John were joined by two other guys. Luckily Mindy and I brought another girl friend of ours so it wasn't all men. Dan was living it up with the guys and drinking. He barely bothered with me the whole night. I hated it. He acted drunk, obnoxious, and like an immature party boy. I was so surprised. I wasn't a huge fan. He didn't care if I was even there.

 

A few days later a big group of them went out again. I couldn't go because I was working but Mindy went. We were talking about the night and she told me at one point Dan ran into this girl whom he knew. She told me that a long time ago they almost got together but it didn't work out. She told me that Dan and the girl chatted very briefly but after she walked away Dan was making comments about how beautiful she was and he always thought she was so pretty. Mindy said it seemed like he liked her. This broke my heart.

 

John decided to have the new years party at his house and I was invited. I was texting Dan before the party about some details. At one point I thought I said something to make him angry and I apologized for hurting his feelings. He then told me I didnt hurt his feelings and he "can't be mad at me."

 

I thought that last part was strange to say. That night was fun. Everyone was drinking and I made new friends. Again, Dan didn't pay me a lot of attention unless I went over and talked to him. I tried to talk to him a lot throughout the night. He was so busy entertaining and talking to his friends. He basked in his friends attention and being the party guy.

 

At one point towards the end of the night some people had left. I was sitting on the couch and Dan was next to me. We weren't even touching. This other girl who is a girlfriend of one of the other guys was sitting on the other side of Dan. She and I were talking. Then Dan sprawled out with his head on my lap and torso and his legs on the other girl. It was strange.

 

Then John and Dan kept teasing each other and being guys they would wrestle or put each other in headlocks. It was funny. At one point they were wrestling cross the room and all of us were watching and talking. My attention was half on each. I suddenly heard John say something to Dan and then say my name. I whipped my head around full attention and asks what it was about but they were silent. The tone of John's voice sounded to me like he was teasing Dan about me. I wish I could have heard what he said to him.

 

The next day a bunch of us went over Dan's house and played board games. Dan barely bothered with me but was a nice host to everyone. I was bad at some of the games since it was my first time playing but I made it a big joke.

 

A day later I was getting ready for bed and it was just before midnight. Suddenly Dan texted me to come over and drink with John and him. I thought it was weird and too late and I wasn't eager. I told him I was too tired and that he has to tell me earlier another time. He then caught me off guard by saying "Okay tomorrow night, write it down."

 

I was surprised. So I told him maybe. He then texted Mindy and I the next day inviting us over. Mindy and I went and they had others over too. It was a little party. He barely bothered with me unless I approached him or talked to him. Much like New years. I had a great time with their friends and felt very included.

 

I stayed late with everyone even after Mindy left and we laughed and had a good time. I was sad that Dan didn't seem interested. Its so dissapointing to me. Even late when everyone was going to get food I asked who wanted to ride with me and one of the friends said they would. Dan road in the other car even though I had way more room. He is a charismatic guy and loves friends. He is an only child which I think is why he is the way he is with the tons of friends. He has a bunch off friends. I should have seen it as a sign when he face booked me just to ask about my apartment for the party all that time back. That wasn't right and it hurt my feelings. He has never texted me to ask me out or wanted to do anything just with me. Its just weird to me that even John thought he seemed to like me. He loves his friends and he loves showing off how many people like him. I am just another pawn in his game I guess. He butters me up when he needs something from me. It hurts.

[Chief Wiggum]

Currently at the part where you two are sitting down and talking.

 

This best be worth it.

[Leigh 87]

Hey...

 

Um... This guy has never shown one single sign that he is attracted to you or into you.

 

He has had ample time to hang out with you and yet:

 

- he is right into his friends when he asks you to hang out with him, and doesn't pay you any special attention

- he only talked to you if he wants to invite people over or use your house as possible venue for a party

- Going to the bar alone with you and going to your room alone with you was not a sign that he was into you, although he may have been up for casual sex!

 

Sorry but if a guy is into you, he focuses on you more than anyone else at parties; a guy who is crushing on you DOES pay you special attention, they DO try to talk to you alone some of the night.

 

He sees you as a friend. I am sure he would have sex with you if your offered it up though.

[spiderowl]

He sounds like a guy who is popular and has lots of casual friends. He laps up the attention and is used to women coming to him. He is used to be able to ask things of people and they will comply - he does this with short notice.

 

He may well like you - I don't know. If so, he'll wait to see if you come to him. I wouldn't advise this as then you are just one of the crowd.

 

Don't allow him to use you. Set your own schedule. For example, if he wants to meet you somewhere, make sure it's a safe place, is with people you want to spend time with or just him, and at a time that is convenient for you. He might try for a last-minute booty call. There is no point in that unless you want to sleep with him and have him treat you as one of his 'hareem' from then onwards.

 

Keep cool, keep your self respect, make sure he treats you respectfully. I think he could be interested but let him do the hard work of making contact with you and starting conversations.

[amkxoxo]

I feel like I am almost hurting myself. I am drifting into a bad place. I like Dan and I can't help it. He and John invited me out last week. Mindy wasn't around so I went, and brought my guy roommate with me. I wasn't going to go alone. We met up and I was the only girl. I was fine with it. For whatever reason I have this very open confidence with the guys. Sometimes I am so awkward but I feel so confident and brazen with my attitude. They joke, make fun of, and fool with each other constantly. I try to be one of them I guess. But I think it suits me well. I kind like my attitude. I think if I could have been like I am with Dan and John, with Kyle things would have gone a lot differently.

 

I feel like through all I have been through, I am protecting myself. I have such high walls up. Back to when we went out last week, Dan seemed interested again. I also realized that a lot of other people were not there, so again this happened. He and I joked together, flirted a bit. It actually got intense I think. There was almost this hint of mockery in the air. Dan was almost tormenting me, because I like him. Its almost like for a little while he knew and he used it to make me squirm in my seat. Making jokes about how he loves blonde girls, and making comments about attractive and not attractive woman at the bar. I would joke back with him commenting about them and being funny and very sarcastic.

 

He was taunting me almost. We make fun of each other and laugh, and flirt, but he would taunt me. He even made the comment about blonde girls more than once and I knew he was kidding. He even went as far as to make comment about how sorry to burst my bubble with that information. So Strange. There was this built up tension there. Or atleast I thought so. Then he did ask me about my job, which I had mentioned before. My job helps young people like him. I offer my services outside of the client spectrum to friends because well, I have the resources and they are friends. I offered it to him once before casually, but I offer it to a lot of people. Well he asked me for help that night as well. The first thing I thought of was that he was buttering me up because he wanted me help, just like when he asked to have a party at my apartment and then when I said no, he dropped off the face of the earth.

 

I kept my cool because he never followed up with me for the help, so I figured why would I reach out and give it if he wasn't going to come and get it. Try a little.

 

Well today he contacted me about the help. I was surprised. He didn't even talk to me just got right into it asking for help. My guard went up and I got feisty, sarcastic, and confident. I don't know if I did the right thing. He asked for help and I said okay, and then I told him jokingly that I didn't "work for free." He then said "well that why i gave you friendship first."

 

I then got snarky and said "Oh so I see how it is, you smoke and befriend the girl to get a job." I meant it jokingly and I sent a lot of funny faces and lolls with it.

 

He then said "I owe you one."

 

I then said " I would never make anyone owe me. But everyone, I'm not saying you has those few friends that only come around and talk to you when they need something. Actions speak louder than words. You must know what I mean."

 

He then said "Hey whenever you need something or a place to stay near my college or a tour guide, you let me know because I'm here. For real."

 

Then he said "Well I owe you one without question."

 

I didn't meant to make him feel bad. I am never the type to ask someone, ever. I was only kidding. Like I do not want him to think I am this nasty girl who only gives when she expects to receive. Its really not true.

 

We chatted a bit about school. Then he asked what I was doing tonight. I told him dinner with friends but nothing after that. I asked why he asked. He said he was thinking of coming into town. Then I told him that was good. I didn't know what to say. He then said that maybe tomorrow night instead.

 

Now I am suppose to go back to my own home to see my own family. Its Friday night after I work I planned to go home for the weekend. But I could always go on Saturday morning instead. I am so conflicted. I told him I may be going home and he said "alright." I told Mindy they want to go out and she suddenly perked up and was like "well I'm going tomorrow night." She wasn't even invited, I was, thought I am sure they will invite her, its pretty pretentious to assume as much and invite yourself.

 

I told him to let me know. I am also keeping my family on the fence with my unknown plans. I am so conflicted. Stuff like this use to happen all the time with Kyle too. I would ditch my regular plans for plans with him immediately. I like Dan and maybe I am hurting myself by waiting around to go out tomorrow night. I have no idea. I am so lost. My mother thinks that maybe he was referring to coming home tonight to try and show me he was a good friend. I have no idea. I am so confused. I like him but he doesn't show he likes me. I am falling into a sad pit here. This is the time where I miss Adrian. Adrian was a man and called me on the phone to ask me out on a date, and took me out like a gentleman. No games, no psyching each other out, not friends. Nothing was complicated. Ugh why did he have to move away? He was so good for me. So Stable. So nice.

[Deidre]

Dan sounds like a bad idea, just saying. lol

 

 

My advice? Take some time to not hang out or date men, and get to know yourself better. You don't need a guy to define or validate you. It sounds like some time to yourself, without guys around...might be a good thing for you. I broke up with an amazing guy last year, and I purposely didn't get serious with anyone for about 6 months. It was hard at times, but now I'm dating my neighbor (sort of lol) and I feel like I'm in a much better place.

 

 

Also, don't let guys play games with you, or taunt you. It's not a guy worth keeping around, who tries to 'test' you or taunt you. We teach people how to treat us. Not sure if this helps or not, but just my thoughts to it.

[applej4]

He is not conflicting. I realize you're young, but instead of spending so much time composing, typing, posting such looooong novel-length stories about some guy who is clearly not into you, I think you should stop wasting your time. There are nice guys out there who really want to actually date you, take you out, buy you dinner, and make you feel special. Fantasizing and wondering about this guy and using this board as a diary to keep track of everything he says and every move he makes is a poor use of time. Move on.

Edited January 16, 2015 by applej4