LoveOneAnother Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 My boyfriend moved in with me 7 months ago. We have a baby and another one on the way. At least once a week he goes out with his friends, says he'll be home at a certain time, then he never bothers to come home until 9:00-11:00 in the morning. He says that he will never do it again, but always does. I dont believe he is cheating on me. He admits that he is doing drugs. He says that I need to learn to accept this. I dont want to accept this. I want a man that I can rely on. What would you do to change the situation. Is there any way that I can make him see the light? Or am I wasting my time with. This may sound weak BUT, I love him very, very much....
moimeme Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 I would never put up with this. I'd make it perfectly clear that the next time this happens, you're gone. And then do it. It's completely unacceptable for someone in a relationship to disappear overnight with no explanation. Unless he's lying in a ditch or a hospital bed.
Author LoveOneAnother Posted March 27, 2005 Author Posted March 27, 2005 Never? Not even the father of your kids? Not even a person that you love and consider to be your best friend? He's been doing this for 7 months now. Each time he does it, he aplogizes and promises me that it will never happen again. I tend to forgive him that same day and all is well again. Now he is starting to blame me for it and he isnt sorry. (If I didnt call him and bug him....If I'd give him more space.....I need to quit treating him as though he is a child.) I left him yesterday. We were supposed to spent this weekend at his moms celebrating Easter. I moved in with my parents for the time being. He could care in the least bit. At least, he doesnt show it. Dont know what to do next, but do know that I can not and will not tolerate anymore of this. Thank you very much for your thoughts. It feels good to hear somebody else tell me that they wouldnt put up with it either!
moimeme Posted March 27, 2005 Posted March 27, 2005 Never? Not even the father of your kids? Not even a person that you love and consider to be your best friend? All the more so. He has that many more reasons to not just vanish on you. Now he is starting to blame me for it and he isnt sorry. (If I didnt call him and bug him....If I'd give him more space.....I need to quit treating him as though he is a child.) When someone's doing wrong, he goes on the offensive. Whatever is up with him, I fear it amounts to no good. I moved in with my parents for the time being. He could care in the least bit. At least, he doesnt show it. That's almost bizarre. Has he undergone other personality changes?
Author LoveOneAnother Posted March 27, 2005 Author Posted March 27, 2005 I did another post about a week ago in the addictions section here. He's been drinking a lot and using cocaine. He admits to me that he has a bit of a problem but is currently trying to work it out on his own. I believe that he might be hurting some, but I feel that pride will keep him from ever showing it to me. Knowing him, he wouldnt want to give the satisfation of a response. Afterall, he feels Im at fault here for trying to convince him to come home the other night. Your comment, "All the more so. He has that many more reasons to not just vanish on you. " really made me have to sit here and think. If he really cared about me and our family, I believe that he'd show us some more respect. He's being selfish.
Mz. Pixie Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 It's not him being selfish, he's obviously an addict. You need to make sure those children are taken care of and yourself as well. He keeps doing it because he has a problem, it's not really about you- he can't stop himself. I'd pack his bags. Tough love is all that works in these situations. I'd love to see my bf tell me that I just needed to learn to deal with it. Ummmm hmmmm, I'd deal with it alright.
EC Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 You have two kids with him and living with him...hes using drugs..and hes saying its your fault he stays out all night. HMMMMMM... Think about that. Its not your fault..he has an addiction that he needs help with and things he needs to fix within himself. You want a commitment and a father figure but right now he wants cocaine and liquor. I agree with Pixie that tough love right now is your option. You don't have to deal with it and put up with it. Hes trying to fix it on his own he says but its been 7 months and nothing has changed. If you want change you have to put your foot down and say either he gets professional help or he's out! It hurts and you will suffer but its the only way..if not nothing will change, promises will keep getting broken, and things will get worse for you once the other baby comes along.
laRubiaBonita Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Work it out on his own! hahahahaha..... that is tooo funny! that will not happen, if it were to, do you not think he would have stopped? you need to get away from him, and keep your babbies safe. a mother is ineffective in jail as an accompliss to her druggie boyfriend.
Author LoveOneAnother Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 Mz Pixie, Do you know if its common for addicts to place blame on their spouses? Do they REALLY feel its their spouses fault, or do they deep down know that they are wrong? I did leave, he doesnt care. Tough love, right? Tough for who? He couldnt care in the least bit, while my heart is broken. Too me, that is one selfish jerk. EC, I agree. I feel things can only get worse. Even though I truly dont want him out of my life, I had to push him out regardless. If things stay the same way what love I have left will only die a long painful death. Your also right, I do want a commitment and a father figure. I feel he wants this too, but he also wants his party life. Sorry, cant have both. Id love to give him some freedom but he abuses it everytime. laRubiaBonita I guess I was only being naive then. I thought that maybe he could quit on his own. I need to go to alanon, I need to know more about all of this. Thanks everybody for your thoughts.
Numb Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 My ex was doing the same thing but it only happened 3 times and I kicked her out. 3 strikes rule. She would only do it on Saturday nights and she would say she fell asleep or was to drunk to drive, I told her if she was out past 12:00am without me she was up to no dam good and there's nothing going from 12:00 to 7:00am that she needs to be out for except stuff that will cause her to be single. Sure crap she was with another guy and she was doing it for 8 months, so she's not single but I am.
Author LoveOneAnother Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 Numb, Now I see why my boyfriend has no problem with me being gone. Im sure hes spending some nice, quality time with a special lady. Lucky girl. (right) I actually put up with this 4-8 times a month. Hows that for being naive? Well, your not the only one alone. Better alone than with a phony.
Numb Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Originally posted by LoveOneAnother Numb, Now I see why my boyfriend has no problem with me being gone. Im sure hes spending some nice, quality time with a special lady. Lucky girl. (right) I actually put up with this 4-8 times a month. Hows that for being naive? Well, your not the only one alone. Better alone than with a phony. It has nothing to do with being "naive" its called trusting someone you love, and the other being a piece of crap. Like I said I had to deal with it for 8 months, they even went on vacations together with each other but being the trusting person I was I believed her when she said she went with her mom and some freinds. When I look back at that it just kills me inside that I didn't go with my gut feeling, instead I was played the fool in front of co-workers, family and freinds. Sometimes it takes everything I have inside to calm myself down cause I get SOO mad at myself and her, and its the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and even harder to control and get over. I was with her for 3 years and worked with her and her dad owned the shop, so basicly I ended up losing my job, house and alot of personal belongings that I sold to pay bills and move on. We just got the house we where in around June 04 and broke up new years day, so needless to say she was with him when she decided that we needed to get a house together, isn't that special?? OHHHH that was alot of rambling sorry, I guess what I'm saying is don't be me. Dump his ass, you don't need someone like him in your life it will just bring you down. Good Luck to you.
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