Author oleggy Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 What changes in February? I apologize if you've already given the reason why February is the magic month. She said i would get a picture within february, and at same time i need to try find a way to corner her so she would appear on skype for quick live chat at the same time so i'm utterly sure...But it's delicate matter everything of this Link to post Share on other sites
Author oleggy Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 So if she has a webcam that works, she can at least appear on Skype, for example. You could do a IM-type chat, she wouldn't need to actually speak. But you could at least see her live. I think she will dodge this too though. Do you have any idea how i could corner her so she would really have to? She's been good dodging everything else, because i let her and say i understand and compromise and give her time, but that ends now. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 She has webcam on her laptop, but her headset with mic is broken. I know it's just another excuse to prolong everything as that was like 1 month ago and she acquired new one but she has some money but not so much so i don't know what to make of everything... but i know the summer will be good, as long as it's a fact im not being catfished and she starts videochatting with me. You don't need a head set to video chat. It is not a requirement. You can see the person and type to them. Summer will be good how? What are the logistics of summer? Who is going where? etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oleggy Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Yeah there is I gained 10 pounds and then there is I gained 50-100 or more you said the last time you saw a current pic was what 3 years ago? a women with depression or other mental health issues can gain alot of weight in that amount of time. The fact shes brought it up saying how much shes lost and so on to me means its a significant issue there. So let me ask you this do you care if shes quite overweight? I would go off of assuming she is now since she will not be upfront and open. Ask yourself if you could accept that? if not then prob best to stop trying to get blood from a stone end things as shes just not wiling to be open and honest cause at the end of the day one can only work off of how much the other is willing to be honest about things in a relashionship.. She has stated she weighed 50-55 kg before she gained weigth, and lost roughly 10. And i do know she can gain lots of weigth by a depression and bad eating patterns that come with it. She has said she wanted to look good for me, so i do believe in that. Maybe i believe in too much that im just fooled but time will show. The christmas period she has had enough junk though, so that could be an add of 5 kg, but she should at least be upfront with me. I don't want to end of things just yet, i just need to try figure out how i could strike her in a corner, or get her to be more open and committed Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Do you have any idea how i could corner her so she would really have to? She's been good dodging everything else, because i let her and say i understand and compromise and give her time, but that ends now. This one is simple. You tell her that you have enjoyed her company and care a lot about her but you have been very patient with her and you feel that if she is really serious about meeting and being in a relationship, then it is not unreasonable for her to go on video or send a selfie and that if she cannot do that you are going to have to walk away. That you have been patient enough but you need this to keep the faith. If she was EVER going to actually meet you in person, etc. then she will pony up. If she doesn't, it will hurt like hell but at least you will know the truth. Like I said no way in heck is she going to come spend summer with you if she's too shy to have you see what she looks like. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oleggy Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 You don't need a head set to video chat. It is not a requirement. You can see the person and type to them. Summer will be good how? What are the logistics of summer? Who is going where? etc. I try to push her as much i can to get to video chat. But she keeps holding back, and says she doesnt know why. Last time she blamed the media although for making her self esteem so low and creating a twisted body image or so. Plan is i stay at her place for vacation and we laid a few plans. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 I don't want to end of things just yet, i just need to try figure out how i could strike her in a corner, or get her to be more open and committed If you need to back your gf into a corner to make her be more open or committed then you need to end things im sorry I know its not easy but especially more so in LDR both parties need this to be secure and happy shes being selfish in this and thats never a good sign.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oleggy Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 This one is simple. You tell her that you have enjoyed her company and care a lot about her but you have been very patient with her and you feel that if she is really serious about meeting and being in a relationship, then it is not unreasonable for her to go on video or send a selfie and that if she cannot do that you are going to have to walk away. That you have been patient enough but you need this to keep the faith. If she was EVER going to actually meet you in person, etc. then she will pony up. If she doesn't, it will hurt like hell but at least you will know the truth. Like I said no way in heck is she going to come spend summer with you if she's too shy to have you see what she looks like. Thanks alot for that one! ill tell her pretty much just the same and abit more in my own words, but same meaning Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 She said i would get a picture within february, and at same time i need to try find a way to corner her so she would appear on skype for quick live chat at the same time so i'm utterly sure...But it's delicate matter everything of this Why could you have a photo in Febuary ( 3.75 weeks from now) but you cannot have one now? What possibly changes? Do you see what I am getting at here OP? It's excuses that make no sense. The only way you're going to get her on video chat is to issue an ultimatem; either show me who you are or I cannot proceed further. That is an ENTIRELY reasonable request..so do not allow her to make you feel guilty or like you are a bad guy. Like I said....if you're going to pour all these hopes and dreams into her and care so much about her then she should return that caring and care about you so much that she'd do this to show she is who she says and she's serious and comitted. Until she can do that? She's just playing around whether that hurts or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oleggy Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Why could you have a photo in Febuary ( 3.75 weeks from now) but you cannot have one now? What possibly changes? Do you see what I am getting at here OP? It's excuses that make no sense. The only way you're going to get her on video chat is to issue an ultimatem; either show me who you are or I cannot proceed further. That is an ENTIRELY reasonable request..so do not allow her to make you feel guilty or like you are a bad guy. Like I said....if you're going to pour all these hopes and dreams into her and care so much about her then she should return that caring and care about you so much that she'd do this to show she is who she says and she's serious and comitted. Until she can do that? She's just playing around whether that hurts or not. Yeah, she is playing me around. At new years she said she was holding out so long with the selfie(kinda another excuse, and longer time for her to have fun) to make it more exciting for me and asked if i liked that, which i responded just that it was abit frustrating. Then topic changed, shes afraid/insecure and will always be. It doesnt matter when but she has to step out of her comfort zone sooner or later. But to put up that ultimatum, when should i do that? as quick as possible? Link to post Share on other sites
jezzika Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I don't think she's a catfish. I think your girl has gained some weight and doesn't want to tell you because she thinks that she can lose it within a few months. If she was a catfish, she'd find a pic, probably a hot one, and share it. Easy peasy pie. Sharing a pic of her real self, with weight gain, is not so easy. When you ask, she probably feels even more down because she is afraid of what you'll think of her, being less than 'perfect'. If that's the case, she is down on her self, her self esteem is blown and that can cause some distance or coldness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oleggy Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 I don't think she's a catfish. I think your girl has gained some weight and doesn't want to tell you because she thinks that she can lose it within a few months. If she was a catfish, she'd find a pic, probably a hot one, and share it. Easy peasy pie. Sharing a pic of her real self, with weight gain, is not so easy. When you ask, she probably feels even more down because she is afraid of what you'll think of her, being less than 'perfect'. If that's the case, she is down on her self, her self esteem is blown and that can cause some distance or coldness. Thanks alot for that reply, not to speak badly of the others answers because they were partly good too, but maybe quite harsh. I really liked yours and you manage to grasp i think. She's open to me about the weigth and diet when i ask. She has already went through diet once, when she went from like 50-55 or so to 65 during her first depression. Down to 55 again which she was very happy with. But last few days and in xmas in general it has been lots of bad foods so she probably gained some again and shes been open about eating junk food which i showd no signs that i worry about, i just told her to enjoy it. I read alot psychology past 6 months to be fully able to understand her to the best degree, and i understand her quite well. So i do know she struggles with alot, that's also why i want her all the best and reassure her as much as i can so she feels more safe with me. She said with her own words shes afraid of pics, and said herself that she has close to none self esteem left. I know i can't do much, but i have tried to help her build her self esteem and building her up, but im always doing the same now and feeling it doesnt lead anywhere, and she gots her hands full, so it seems like she can't or won't work on building it up. But i guess it's my own uncertainty like feeling shes not that commited and affectionate that leads me to thinking im being catfished and god know what else ive been thinking heh but when i see it from her point of view i gain comfort again because i know what shes going through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Yeah, she is playing me around. At new years she said she was holding out so long with the selfie(kinda another excuse, and longer time for her to have fun) to make it more exciting for me and asked if i liked that, which i responded just that it was abit frustrating. Then topic changed, shes afraid/insecure and will always be. It doesnt matter when but she has to step out of her comfort zone sooner or later. But to put up that ultimatum, when should i do that? as quick as possible? It's your life. If it were me? I'd want to know if I'm being dicked around like yesterday. So yeah, that ultimatem would be going up like right now. As I said, it's 3.75 weeks until February..what changes from then to now? Furthermore...she's so insecure she can't do a selfie but now..she tells you she is doing it to make it more exciting for you? Hello, this is now clearly a lie. Is she insecure or is she doing this to "make it more exciting"? She's lying. She's just rifling through excuses hoping she can possibly keep putting you off. I would be getting to that ultimatem now. Others have said its possible she is very overweight now and that is why she is not showing you photos. Are you going to accept her if she is? If so, maybe let her know that and she could feel more at ease to show you what she looks like now. If you can't...then what is the point on wasting either of you's time any further? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Seen pictures on 3 different occasions all different age and setting. But no, not yet. But i asked her many times for live chat, and she says it will come soon. But as she feels so insecure i think shes waiting as long as possible. I have pushed for it, and asked when i brought the issue up with her yesterday, asked if it would be within a few months and she said of course. So i have my hopes up but of course, if you read the whole thing, you would know its complicated matter... A true sign of a catfish is someone who refuses to live chat with you. I know you believe that she isn't one, but I'm telling you--from one who has been catfished--that they will go out of their way to not let you see who they really are. Here's what you can do to figure out if you're dealing with who she says she is. Make a little short video of yourself and post it as a private video on your YouTube channel. Get the link to it and send it to her. Only give her the link to the video--no one else. Ask her to go look at it and say something specific in it that will let you know she had to view it in order to tell you what it is you said. Give it about 3 days and then go in and look at the analytics. It will tell you where it was viewed and how many times it was viewed. If the area location is not where she says she is, then you're dealing with a catfish. There is no good reason on earth why she cannot pop off a quick selfie to you. None at all. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 A true sign of a catfish is someone who refuses to live chat with you. I know you believe that she isn't one, but I'm telling you--from one who has been catfished--that they will go out of their way to not let you see who they really are. Here's what you can do to figure out if you're dealing with who she says she is. Make a little short video of yourself and post it as a private video on your YouTube channel. Get the link to it and send it to her. Only give her the link to the video--no one else. Ask her to go look at it and say something specific in it that will let you know she had to view it in order to tell you what it is you said. Give it about 3 days and then go in and look at the analytics. It will tell you where it was viewed and how many times it was viewed. If the area location is not where she says she is, then you're dealing with a catfish. There is no good reason on earth why she cannot pop off a quick selfie to you. None at all. Having known someone IRL whose step sister used her pics to catfish a guy...the girl never lied about her location, just a lot of other things. So not sure what verifying her location does to prove that she is or is not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oleggy Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Having known someone IRL whose step sister used her pics to catfish a guy...the girl never lied about her location, just a lot of other things. So not sure what verifying her location does to prove that she is or is not. I'm thinking like when my "gf" has had depressive episode she has indeed said i should find someone who's more stable and i should go find someone better. Like really encouraging me to find someone else kinda, so i guess that's kinda a sign that it's not catfish, but she does indeed not look like in pics anymore because thats so long ago. I have gamed with a friend of her, we all three gamed together online, and i could always go behind her back and ask him how shes like. But thats like last resort option that i dont want to do... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I'm thinking like when my "gf" has had depressive episode she has indeed said i should find someone who's more stable and i should go find someone better. Like really encouraging me to find someone else kinda, so i guess that's kinda a sign that it's not catfish, but she does indeed not look like in pics anymore because thats so long ago. I have gamed with a friend of her, we all three gamed together online, and i could always go behind her back and ask him how shes like. But thats like last resort option that i dont want to do... OP, you're doing backflips trying to explain away her behaviour and justify her lack of transparency. You shouldn't need to back her into a corner or ask anyone else what she looks like. Does it sound reasonable to you that it's like pulling teeth to get her to cough up a picture or video chat? Isn't it a bit time-consuming for you to be reading up on psychology and depression in order to explain what should be a very simple thing? I know you want her to be real and who she claims to be. But you can't be expected to carry on a relationship with someone you've never even laid eyes on. That is unreasonable. If her weight is the issue, there's no way she's going to make a dramatic loss by February anyway. Do what the rest of us have advised you: tell her to meet you on Skype at X time on X day. (ie. now) No more games and excuses. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I'm thinking like when my "gf" has had depressive episode she has indeed said i should find someone who's more stable and i should go find someone better. Like really encouraging me to find someone else kinda, so i guess that's kinda a sign that it's not catfish, but she does indeed not look like in pics anymore because thats so long ago. I have gamed with a friend of her, we all three gamed together online, and i could always go behind her back and ask him how shes like. But thats like last resort option that i dont want to do... No, and that is not something you should have to do. Ar you two professing love? If so, there's no reason she should be ready to tell you she loves you but unable to show you what she looks like now. As for whether or not suggesting you find someone else meaning she is not a catfish...says who? She could have been encouraging you to find someone else half- heartedly out of guilt or trying to make an escape for herself. Maybe she is not a catfish, but she is at the least hiding something. If you are both serious about this becoming a materialized relationship, shouldn't you have closeness enough to know? There shouldn't be all of this excuses and lying. That's got to tell you something is wrong, whatever the something turns out to be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Wait, are we talking about a nude/sexy selfie or something? Because otherwise I can't see any reason why she would refuse you for so long. Please for the love of god insist on a webcam conversation with her before you invest any more into this relationship. A selfie doesn't prove anything, at least a Skype video call does. If buying a webcam is such an issue then send her a $10 webcam. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 If shes using a laptop 99% of them now a days have a built in web cam heck even most low end tablets do not to mention most smart phones can use Skype and the cam feature threw the phone Ide think bottom line if she really wanted to she would find a way she just doesn't want to.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oleggy Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 No, and that is not something you should have to do. Ar you two professing love? If so, there's no reason she should be ready to tell you she loves you but unable to show you what she looks like now. As for whether or not suggesting you find someone else meaning she is not a catfish...says who? She could have been encouraging you to find someone else half- heartedly out of guilt or trying to make an escape for herself. Maybe she is not a catfish, but she is at the least hiding something. If you are both serious about this becoming a materialized relationship, shouldn't you have closeness enough to know? There shouldn't be all of this excuses and lying. That's got to tell you something is wrong, whatever the something turns out to be. We are professing love yeah. And want a long term relationship, she could be hidething. But im guessing it's minor, but of great deal to her as shes mostly afraid im thinking. And yes, were both serious. But i agree it shouldnt be excuses all over the line but oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 We are professing love yeah. And want a long term relationship, she could be hidething. But im guessing it's minor, but of great deal to her as shes mostly afraid im thinking. And yes, were both serious. But i agree it shouldnt be excuses all over the line but oh well. OP, This is your life. No one else has to live within it. I don't think there is a person on here who wishes you to be hurt or see this end badly for you. That said, you are not the first person to come onto the boards, share a story where it is clear to every single person that they are being lied to. I can think of a few times where details were very similar to yours and guess what? Yes, the person was being catfished or lied too. In every case I seem to recall the OP kind of lashing out at us on the board at first. They just didn't want to believe the truth. If you are serious about this woman, then I can't possible wrap my mind around how the possibility of being catfished, lied to, etc. is just an "oh well" to you. I understand the instinct to cling to what you think you know. We will all be here for you whatever you decide or don't decide. Please, for your own sake guard your heart. If you're going to let her jerk the leash until February then so be it, but I hope when the excuse comes in February (and I think you already know it will, just as I do) then have the courage to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerLilly78 Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 I bet feb comes and she doesn't show cause she hasn't lost enough weight I think its more then shes letting onto to be honest this is typical stall tactics for some big girls.. Link to post Share on other sites
welshbambi Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 The reason I think she is holding back is because she is not who she said she is. She found some random pictures of a girl on the internet a few years ago, sent them to you, and now she cannot find any recent pictures of said girl that has aged/changed appropriately over time. So she actually cannot provide you with a selfie because it's not her face! Everything you "know" about this girl - her depression, caring for her mother, her broken headset - all of it is purely from what she has told you. You are taking these words as gospel and you have no actual facts (e.g. care bills, picture of the headset, anything at all) to prove that anything you have been told is true. There are some really messed up people out there who are experts at creating entire personalities and false lives to dupe people. They can continue these facades FOR YEARS. Sometimes they just do it for sport because they have nothing better to do with their lives. Other times they do it to try and con people out of money once they have said all of the right things to make them fall in love. There is no evidence at all, from what you have said, that this person even exists. There is SOMEONE sat on a computer typing messages to you but other than what has been in those messages, you have nothing to prove who they are, or that the pictures you did receive some time ago are actually them. I am sorry that this is painful for you but you seem like a really sweet person who would make someone very happy - you are obviously thoughtful and kind and compassionate. You are wasting all of those beautiful qualities on someone that can't even send you a selfie after years of speaking and saying you love eachother. You are being conned my lovely and I think you need to disconnect your online presence with eachother, take a walk in your local park and start talking to real people again xxxx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 OP, you have nothing but a fantasy here. There is no relationship - just the fantasy of one. So, you have nothing to lose by challenging her to Skype with you, and if she won't, cut contact and move on to find a real woman. Link to post Share on other sites
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