guidance

[liverpoolguy]

Any type of help or guidance would be much appreciated.

 

I got married to my wife seven years ago. Unfortunately, we had problems when we attempted to have children.

 

Nevertheless, we seeked help and are now blessed with twins, they will be 5 in March. We adore them.

 

So to my story. At the beginning of September last year, during my first day back at work after a holiday, I ploughed through my emails. I am used to receiving spam yet on this day I noticed the title of an email 'your marriage'.

 

Yes my initial reaction was spam, yet I read it. Then I felt sick and stunned.

 

A woman had emailed me asking if I was the person married to @#@# , my wife's name. She informed me that my wife had been having an affair for the past two years with her husband. She added that my wife and her husband had been in a relationship many years before. In addition, this woman's husband had been to our home on more than one occasion. I later discovered that this was a Monday when my wife didn't work. On these Monday's I would ironically pick the mother in law up after work to bring her back to the home. She, at that time, used to look after the twins whilst my wife and I were at work.

 

I went straight to my car, in shock, and phoned my wife. I asked her straight. She admitted to the infidelity but then strangely added, 'there is more to it than that'.

 

I went straight to my sister's afterwards and was heart broken.

 

Within a few days I agreed to drive over to my house, meet up with my wife, and listen to what she had to say. Incidently, I was advised at this time to stay off work. In total I took a week off.

 

My wife's reason for the adultery was my lack of emotional support over the years. Things started to fall into place after her telling me the truth. Examples include her number being withheld on her mobile and her late nights at work. I have since found out other things that truely hurt. She had sex with him at her sister's house unawares to her sister.

 

I stayed with my sister for a while and would have the twins at the weekend. As time went by, around October, things had calmed slightly. We made the decision to try again and work on things.

 

I returned to the marital home. Yes, it has been tough and I have been trying to deal with my emotions. I did admit, prior to returning, that perhaps my emotional support wasn't the best. I do not doubt that my approach to these emotional needs at times lacked maturity. Having said that, I cannot accept that my wife's infidelity was due to this lack of emotional support.

 

Only two days ago, a discussion we had referred to things not working out due to my difficulty coming to terms with my wife's actions. Granted, recently I have been angry and aimed my frustration at my wife. This is the most difficult aspect for me, dealing with my emotions.

 

Still, at the end of the aforementioned conversation, my wife did tell me that she didn't want me to leave. 'Its not what I want' she would tell me.

 

Yesterday, she told me she had had enough. She doesn't feel that I am making the effort needed to come to terms with things. My frustration and anger is being aimed at her.

 

She now wants me to leave. This same conversation has happened on a number of occasions over the past two years, when I was unaware of the affair.

 

During last summer, my wife was helping me to find a place. She needed space, she said.

 

My head is everywhere, my confidence is low. I feel like a failure, hurt, heart broken. These feelings are crucifying me. Its the situation with the twins too. When I was staying with my sister after finding out what had been going on, I used to inform the twins that Daddy was staying at their aunties because he is working late.

 

Now I am in the situation whereby I will have to find a place, sort out the finances, times when I can see the children.

 

I can't understand why things have changed in such a short amount of time. Was it the wrong decision for me to return?

 

I would like some guidance. I need this from a neutral perspective.

 

Apologies for the lengthy text.

 

Regards,

 

L

[harrybrown]

So sorry.

 

Your wife is not sorry. It takes years to get over your pain. She is blaming you and not admitting that the A is her fault.

 

tell her she cheated. She leaves.

 

Has she stopped all contact with the OM? Has she gone to counseling?

 

Has she been tested for stds and have you tested to see if the kids are yours?

 

The A is her fault. She is selfish. She should have some consequences. Has she lost any time with the kids? Has she agreed that you get custody because she cheated?

Have you exposed the A to the OM's family and to your wife's family? I do not think that you have all the truth from your wife. Have you write you a timeline of the A.

 

She is not remorseful. How would she feel if you had the A?

 

would she agree that if you had an A, it would be her fault?

[jbrent890]

No it was not wrong for you to return. You did what any husband and father would do. Your wife needs to understand that she doesn't get to decide when and how you get over things. It takes YEARS to get over an affair, especially one that lasted as long as your wife's did. It's easier for her to get angry at you and kick out then to deal with the consequences of your actions. Did your wife ever tell you that she needs more emotional support? If the answer to that question is no, then she is as much to blame for her mindset as you were. As it stands, it sounds like your wife doesn't want to except responsibility for her cheating and expects you to rug sweep her affair. Listen, you can't R with someone like that. Both parties need to except responsibility, but it's up to her to gain your trust back.

[road]

WW and OM have been banging on and off for years so you must get a DNA test as soon as possible.

[whichwayisup]

Boy, she's put ALL the blame on you and is now ready to give up the marriage because she feels you're not trying and you're angry (RIGHTFULLY SO!). She hasn't apologized, she hasn't owned her selfish and devious cheating behaviour.

 

You each are responsible for any problems in the marriage, but her cheating and having an affair is ALL ON HER. She chose to go elsewhere instead of communicating with you. Instead of going to counseling with you to reconnect she chose to make life worse by cheating.

 

Tell her to leave! She can pack her stuff and leave the kids with you. Why do you have to be the one to leave?

[autumnnight]

Do not leave your home.

[MuddyFootprints]

Get a legal consult ASAP.

[bubbaganoosh]

Be a cold day in hell if I would leave. If it was me, I would tell her that since she isn't happy any longer then pack your gear up and go live with your lover.

 

Look friend, she's the one that dropped her pants for this guy and shattered the marriage. If she want's happy with you, she had choices to make like leave or file for divorce but to just go sleep with this guy and come back to her security and comfort just doesn't fly and you damn well better let her know real quick.

 

If she brings up the kids then you let her know that her actions proved that she never had the children's interest at heart but only her selfishness was number one in her book.

 

You got to stop making it easy for her. She's the one that screwed up and she's the one that has to pay for her mistakes. Wake up friend before it's too late.

[Bryanp]

1. Do not leave your home or move back in.

2. Get tested for STD's

3. Get paternity tested for the twins as well.

4. Consult a lawyer to understand your options.

 

She has totally no respect for you whatsoever and no problem betraying you and putting your health at risk for STD's.

 

IF YOU DO NO RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[Popsicle]

I'm sorry you are hurting but you should have divorced her (and never took her back no matter what she says).

[Hardgrind]

Speaking from experience: (1) Look at her actions, not her words...her actions show no remorse or empathy for you, (2) She should be the one leaving, not you, (3) get over the idea that her actions are you fault, they are not....her actions are her decision (4) cut her loose and start focusing on yourself to recover, (5) have a paternity test done on the children, so that you know and so that their are no surprises during the divorce process. (6) get a lawyer and initiate the divorce process yourself, so that you are driving it rather than reacting to her actions.

[Artie Lang]

your wife is blameshifting. you need to put your foot down and start making some demands of your own. first off, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. she can cite abandonment if and when divorce. second, you need to expose this before she starts rewriting your marriage history and paints you as the "bad guy" third, seek legal counsel ASAP.

 

 

i suggest you take the advice of one poster and get a DNA test for your child.

 

 

sorry this happened to you but you need to start playing hardball and protect yourself and your interests. looks like your wife is trying to get rid of you and taking all she can in process.

[BetrayedH]

Listen carefully to what the people here are telling you. The theme is very consistent because we've all seen it before. Stop blaming yourself and start holding your wife accountable for her actions. You didn't make her cheat. You were deprived of a vote.

[lolablue17]

Your wife is a cheater and a lier and the worst: She doesn't take 1% responsibility for her actions, it all you you you. She's at mental age of 3!

 

"She didn't get emotional support from you?" Ha Ha Ha... What about her supporting your emotional needs? Now it's the time that you need support more then ever and you get $hit from her, not support. One time, just one time in her life she needs to support you - and she refuses. UUUGGGHHHH!!! A selfish creature!!

 

She is a taker. She knows how to take, never to give - She acres only about herself, She's a lying bitch!

 

Tell her that due to her disgusting behavior, you want her out! Tell her that she lost any right to tell you what to do, and you're not going anywhere.

 

Go to a lawyer and file - take care of child custody matters.

Edited January 5, 2015 by lolablue17

[HurtHusband]

Alright mate?

 

I think all the above folk who commented here have experienced what your going through..my wife dropped the bombshell on me at the end of august. I really understand what you mean when you say your having a hard time controlling your emotions. It's a roller coaster ride, and of course your angry, and rightly so. Won't happen overnight, but to protect your self, you have to detach yourself emotionally from your wife..I don't mean when you interact with her in the home. I mean the way you think about her. I think of my wife, the same way I think of an ex GF.

 

I am not jealous when I think of an ex who has moved on and met someone else..however I know you have to see your wife daily and that can be hard because you have a lot of resentment and pent up emotion to deal with...this was tough for me and still is..

 

Because in my mind sometimes I feel like murdering her!! It's ok to think that, but of course you don't want to do that..your kids don't know what's going on. And when you see the kids saying 'I love you mommy' etc. you want to preserve the family, or at least I do. But, it puts you in a terrible predicament.

 

First of all, look in the mirror and realize. Your the hardworking responsible one here. Your NOT to blame for your wife's selfish behavior..don't believe all this 'you were busy at work...and I felt neglected..rubbish' that's a normal life to most people. That's reality, that's what happens when you have kids and you have to work and provide for your family. So realize that your wife, is selfish and she is a flawed person. It is not your fault! Do not wallow in self pity or get depressed..do some exercise, buy some new clothes and chat to that new girl at work and ask her if she wants to have a coffee sometime..

 

That's exactly what I did, I asked a tasty looking woman at work if she wanted to have a coffee some time. She said yes, and my confidence went straight up!! I didn't actually contact her after that. I just did it to make myself feel better, and it did.

 

Stay where you are for now and be there for the kids..go to work, and carry on..give yourself a bit of time.

[badkarma2013]

One of the BEST POST Ive come across...............

 

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

 

Just Let Them Go

 

The end result?

 

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

 

That is the end result.

 

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

 

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

 

Nothing else works better or quicker.

 

Let them go.

 

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

 

Wouldn't that be true love?

 

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

 

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

 

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

 

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

 

But cheating, no excuses.

 

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

 

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

 

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

 

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

 

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

 

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

 

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

 

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

 

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

 

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

 

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[jbrent890]

Alright mate?

 

I think all the above folk who commented here have experienced what your going through..my wife dropped the bombshell on me at the end of august. I really understand what you mean when you say your having a hard time controlling your emotions. It's a roller coaster ride, and of course your angry, and rightly so. Won't happen overnight, but to protect your self, you have to detach yourself emotionally from your wife..I don't mean when you interact with her in the home. I mean the way you think about her. I think of my wife, the same way I think of an ex GF.

 

I am not jealous when I think of an ex who has moved on and met someone else..however I know you have to see your wife daily and that can be hard because you have a lot of resentment and pent up emotion to deal with...this was tough for me and still is..

 

Because in my mind sometimes I feel like murdering her!! It's ok to think that, but of course you don't want to do that..your kids don't know what's going on. And when you see the kids saying 'I love you mommy' etc. you want to preserve the family, or at least I do. But, it puts you in a terrible predicament.

 

First of all, look in the mirror and realize. Your the hardworking responsible one here. Your NOT to blame for your wife's selfish behavior..don't believe all this 'you were busy at work...and I felt neglected..rubbish' that's a normal life to most people. That's reality, that's what happens when you have kids and you have to work and provide for your family. So realize that your wife, is selfish and she is a flawed person. It is not your fault! Do not wallow in self pity or get depressed..do some exercise, buy some new clothes and chat to that new girl at work and ask her if she wants to have a coffee sometime..

 

That's exactly what I did, I asked a tasty looking woman at work if she wanted to have a coffee some time. She said yes, and my confidence went straight up!! I didn't actually contact her after that. I just did it to make myself feel better, and it did.

 

Stay where you are for now and be there for the kids..go to work, and carry on..give yourself a bit of time.

 

This is the best advice you are going to hear on here. This thread is actually interesting to me because it's the exact opposite end of the spectrum with some of the threads in the ow/om forum. Honestly, I feel like the OP's wife could be one of the posters on there. And before people jump down my throat for saying that, I'm not saying it to start a fuss. However, it is interesting to see both sides of this issue. As it stands though, it is not fair for your wife to blame you for her affair. I don't care how crappy of a husband you might have been. If your wife was truly unhappy, she could have worked it out with your or left. Instead she chose the third option, which was cheat. I guarantee one of her excuses was "I didn't leave because I wanted to harm the kids." That is a very nice sentiment, but a very misguided one. I'm probably going to start a thread on this, but I think children would be better off with stable divorced parents (before affair) as opposed to unstable divorced parents (after affair).

[aliveagain]

Do not leave the home, talk to a lawyer and understand your rights, protect your children, protect your finances. It is very, very, very unlikely that she used protection, it is very rare in a long term affair. Sounds like she wants you to rug sweep and get over it or get out, call her bluff but talk to a lawyer first. If you have young children you may want to have a paternity test done, it happened to me, saved me 17 years of child support for O/M's child.

[Spectre]

Divorce this awful woman. She has the audacity to get upset at you for not getting over her skanky behavior? I swear I'll never get women.

[Tessylov]

Hello how are doing,hope fine,i am sorry to disturb you or get you upset,i have a reason to write you,kindly,reply in my email address;[email protected] ;

for more details about me thanks,Tessy.

[Mr. Lucky]

I asked her straight. She admitted to the infidelity but then strangely added, 'there is more to it than that'.

 

Did you determine what she meant by the last comment ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[liverpoolguy]

I really appreciate your comments.

[BetrayedH]

I really appreciate your comments.

 

C'mon, bro. We're here to help.

[liverpoolguy]

Having recently informed my friends and family about the recent change in events, I realise how right they were when I first received the email from the other man's wife. They were simply looking out for me.

 

I have arranged to see a councillor this week. I am still in the home, in the spare room. I was back at work today. Due to the fact that I leave for work very early, I always text her to ask whether the twins were OK getting to school.

 

The reply today was 'yes they were fine but I have come back home for I feel terrible, full of flu'.

 

I collected the twins at 17:45, came to the house, fed them, settled them whilst the wife WS asleep. She did come downstairs later in the evening, yet she didn't mention the 'iv had enough' sentence. There has been no discussion whatsoever like on the previous two days.

 

I'm sure that will change once she gets her energy back!

 

Still, I really appreciate the guidance you have all given thus far.

 

I will keep you informed

[Spectre]

So wait..are you going to rightfully boot this toxic trash to the curb or what?