Loss Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone, I've been feeling so sad lately and this forum has given me good advice in the past so I decided to post and ask for some advice. Me and my girlfriend met up 6 months ago. Everything was perfect from the first day and we were both happy. I felt that she loved me and I happily reciprocated. Before long we were exchanging "I love you's" on daily basis, texted, called each other, did fun things when we were out and just had a good time. After 3 months things started changing. She wouldn't text me as much, communication became weaker, she didn't want to see me as often... I got very sad. Wanting to be straightforward I spoke to her about it and suggested that maybe she's lost interest and it's not working out. She became defensive and said that everything is going well and that she loves me. But things didn't get better. She became more controlling over time. She has no problems telling me what I should or shouldn't do and basically tells me how to live my life to her satisfaction. She drags me on her shopping sprees although I tell her that I'm not enjoying myself. It's not to say that it's always bad, we do things I want to do and have good dates, but it's obviously not the same as it was in the beginning. I kept getting more sadder, more distraught. I suggested to break up or at least take a break from talking for a while to see if no contact would make things better, but she insisted that everything is going well. Eventually she got very upset with me that I kept suggesting a break up. At this point being a pitiful fool in love I said I would try harder to make it work. She stopped calling or texting. I initiate all the conversations now but she does respond. She makes excuses when I want to go out and we see each other only now and then. We barely saw each other or talked much during the holidays. Our 6 months anniversary is coming this Tuesday, and like a fool I went out and bought her an expensive promise ring, even told her about it, thinking it would make her happy. Now I don't know if I want to give it her given the way she's been treating me because I don't know if we'll make it work or not. I do love her still, but I feel like somehow she lost respect for me and it's getting worse each day. I was trying to be nice to her, and maybe the problem is that I was trying not to be a controlling boyfriend and do things she wanted and she realized she could take advantage. I feel like she's using me now but when I suggest that maybe it won't work out she says she doesn't want to lose me. What should I do? Edited January 4, 2015 by Loss
Satu Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Thats all the things you don't like about the relationship. Are there any good things that make you want to stay in the relationship? In the relationship now that is - not in the beginning. There has to be a reason in the present.
Author Loss Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 She's a sweet, nice girl. Girls like her are hard to find. It's just that I've managed to lose her respect. I've dated others and she is by far the closest one to being the one. I'm also ready to settle down, get married, have kids. She wants it as well and we often talk about it and dream about the future together.
d0nnivain Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 You should not give her the expensive promise ring at this point. You should sit down & talk about your respective positions & expectations. 1
Gloria25 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 "Love" in six months? It takes at least 1 1/2 to 2 months of actual dating (not friends, shacking up, working together) to figure out if we're a "match" with someone. And your post is a prime example of needing 1 1/2 to 2 months. I mean, already in 3 months you are seeing things about her that you are not liking. My fav podcaster calls "love" this: "awe, admiration, and respect". I believe that six months is too soon to figure out if you have awe, admiration and/or respect for someone...you barely know them. In 6 months, I think people are still in the "honeymoon" phase and what may be "looooove" is probably hornies, emotions, excitement. 2
Author Loss Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 You should not give her the expensive promise ring at this point. You should sit down & talk about your respective positions & expectations. Even though she knows I bought it for her? I've talked to her about feelings so much at this point it's like a broken record.
Erised Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 . I've dated others and she is by far the closest one to being the one. . Have you heard the expression - Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. It's not a competition. She is or she isn't, and it seems very clear she isn't, even if she is a great girl (You didn't get that across here, but lets give benefit of the doubt.) I'd end it and move on. Ifconversation yields no positive change, there's nothing else to be done. You can't fix it yourself. 1
Gloria25 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Even though she knows I bought it for her? I've talked to her about feelings so much at this point it's like a broken record. Ok, so is it more important to correct a mistake or to continue with the mistake? That's like being in quicksand then saying "Why should I reach out for the rope if I'm already sinking"?
Satu Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 She's a sweet, nice girl. Girls like her are hard to find. It's just that I've managed to lose her respect. I've dated others and she is by far the closest one to being the one. I'm also ready to settle down, get married, have kids. She wants it as well and we often talk about it and dream about the future together. The relationship you have, is the relationship you have. If you're not happy with it today, you won't be happy with it next week, or next year. What is good in the PRESENT? What makes you happy in the PRESENT? Not in the past. Not in the future. In the present. 3
Author Loss Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Thanks guys. You're right.. I'm really unhappy right now and I'm trying way to hard. So I should just have another conversation with her on Tuesday? I'm sure she will be defensive again and will make me feel good until she's back to treating me however she wants again. I really don't want to lose her..maybe if I just stop trying to initiate conversations and make her feel that she's losing me it will get better..
Satu Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Thanks guys. You're right.. I'm really unhappy right now and I'm trying way to hard. So I should just have another conversation with her on Tuesday? I'm sure she will be defensive again and will make me feel good until she's back to treating me however she wants again. I really don't want to lose her..maybe if I just stop trying to initiate conversations and make her feel that she's losing me it will get better.. It won't get better, but you will become more unhappy.
Zahara Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 She's a sweet, nice girl. Really? Where was that part in your posts? Girls like her are hard to find. Girls that are controlling are hard to find? It's just that I've managed to lose her respect. I've dated others and she is by far the closest one to being the one. YOU gave away your self-respect because you allowed her to treat you like a rag doll. If the one means someone who is controlling, demanding and manipulative, I wonder how you'd feel about a woman that treats you well. I'm also ready to settle down, get married, have kids. She wants it as well and we often talk about it and dream about the future together. Romanticizing a future and an image is one thing but going through it and spending probably the rest of your life feeling miserable is another. 2
SycamoreCircle Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I don't think another conversation with her is going to change things. Return that ring. Break up with her in a straightforward, honest way. That will be like an adrenaline shot to your self-esteem. Grieve. Dust yourself off. Move on. 4
Jules Dash Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Your relationship is dying a slow death. You can either see it through or just walk away now. I am not sure why she is letting it die slow. Maybe with all of your talk about it you have made it tough for her to speak on it and she just want to slowly creep away during the night but you keep busting her as she tip toe to the window. I wouldn't address the issue any longer. I don't think it is doing any good and it sounds like she is actually starting to resent you for keep bringing it up. 2
devilish innocent Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I really don't want to lose her..maybe if I just stop trying to initiate conversations and make her feel that she's losing me it will get better.. Think about this for a moment. Let's say you try this, and it does get better for a while. What do you think is going to happen as soon as she feels safe with you again? Is it really going to stop her from trying to control you in a couple months? What about twenty years from now? Why are you so afraid of losing somebody who makes you so miserable? Do you really want to be with her the way she is, or do you just want the person she presented herself to be in the beginning of the relationship? These are questions you really need to ask yourself before you go any further into the relationship. You can't cherry pick the parts of a person that you want to be with. She hid her bad parts from you at the start of the relationship. She can suppress them for brief periods of time after you've talked to her. But she keeps returning to them because that's her personality. If that's not what you're looking for, then you need to move on. 2
spiderowl Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 She keeps telling you things are OK, yet restricts contact, tells you off, and tries to control every aspect of the relationship. There is nothing about what you said that suggests this is making her happy either. You need to separate out how you are feeling from what she is telling you is how it is ... She says everything's OK : you feel unhappy so somewhere deep down you don't feel everything's OK. How do you feel deep down? Can you describe it? Mostly you mention sad, anxious. Maybe you need a break from this relationship to work out how you do feel? It's frustrating to meet someone who is close to what you want but then to find that she is not making you feel good or happy. Is she likely to change at all? If not, it sounds like you are going to carry on feeling sad unless you break away. 1
Winterina Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 To get her interest back is to ignore her and just drop her a text saying you are breaking up. You are supplying her the reason to treat you like that because she knows that you feel much worse than she does. And never go back with her because she will treat you the same again. She is not sweet, open your eyes. If being nice to her resulted in her losing interest then be an ahole all the time and you will see how a hurt ego can do miracles in terms of interest. But I would not bother because she apparently does not appreciate you. Ring is a totally idiotic idea, sorry. You want to buy someone's love or what... 1
Diezel Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 She's a sweet, nice girl. Girls like her are hard to find. Sweet, nice girl? Did you even read you first post? Yeah, she sounds AMAZING. So hard to find that half of this forum is full of posts just like yours about their crappy girlfriends and how UNIQUE they are. Listen buddy, for the 6th month anniversary give her the gift of your boot kicking her to the curb. I hope you still have the receipt for that ring so you can get your money back. If this is the relationship at 6 months, it's only going to get WORSE. Do you want to live like this forever? Marriage? Kids? Are you kidding? With this monster of a woman? Also, man, please go and find your testicles. They might be in her purse right now, because you REALLY need to learn how to stand up for yourself as a person and within the dynamic of a relationship. You are nothing more than just a doormat for her. 1
ascendotum Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Listen buddy, for the 6th month anniversary give her the gift of your boot kicking her to the curb. I hope you still have the receipt for that ring so you can get your money back. That's what I was thinking too. Seriously OP don't give her the ring and take it back and see if you can get store credit and use it up on your next (deserving) gf. 1
TigerCub Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Loss, Trying in a relationship is important and it's good. BUT...if only 1 person is trying - then it's pointless and painful and doesn't improve anything. I think you need to take responsibility for things - like when you say she "drags" you places - please! what you don't have a will of your own? or when you keep talking to her about how this is no good and you suggest breaking up and then you stay together. this does 2 things: #1. It makes you a whiner that's not action oriented and #2. It would cause her to be more distant and mentally check out of the relationship. (if she's with a guy that constantly suggests breaking up). Nothing is changing and you getting her a ring on top of all that - would only show her that she can ignore your needs and requests and you'd still go out and buy her something shiny and expensive. If you're unhappy and you guys had 'the talk' many times, actually so much so that it's sounding like a broken record, then just break up instead of merely suggesting it. I get it, she's sweet and nice (sometimes) - but so what? There are sweet and nice girls out there that may actually be more compatible with you. 1
Tessylov Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Hello how are doing,hope fine,i am sorry to disturb you or get you upset,i have a reason to write you,kindly,reply in my email address;[email protected] ; for more details about me thanks,Tessy.
Detectingfreak Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I see red flags everywhere!! She is controlling and you should vreak up with her! No one should make you go on shopping trips you dont want to go on. My ex did the exact same thjng and dragged me eveywhere. I finally had enough and broke up with her. I have a life now. You should breakup with your girlfriend, return the ring and enjoy life! Somekne better will come along!
Frank2thepoint Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 What should I do? So I should just have another conversation with her on Tuesday? I'm sure she will be defensive again and will make me feel good until she's back to treating me however she wants again. I really don't want to lose her..maybe if I just stop trying to initiate conversations and make her feel that she's losing me it will get better.. There is no fix for the situation. Your girlfriend is manipulative and controlling. You have a some self-esteem issues, because you are allowing her to dictate the relationship. There is nothing you can convey that will change her mind, that will make her treat you better. Your only option is just break up with her, delete all contact information, and go completely no contact. She'll probably send you sweet texts, maybe even call, but don't fall for it. You know very well she is manipulating you.
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