willylilly Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Hello LoveShack, So, I'm 9 months into a healthy and good relationship and seek for some bearing on my feelings for her. In short, the relationship has been more good than bad. Common industry, common outlook, looks complement each other. While no red flags, I'll rate my relationship more as above average good and less as rock steady groovy. One thing about me is that I close to the end of the spectrum as a non controlling boyfriend. I NEVER tell my gf what she can or cannot do, whom she can or cannot see, heck I rarely ask her of her whereabouts. My question would be: does this lack of control suggest I may not like my gf as much as she would like me to? I say like because I would say I love my gf. This absence of control does NOT mean I'm bored with her and will seek my own fun. On the contrary I do see a future with her and hope to achieve it. So what yall think? Couple of notes: 1. When she does inform me she's meeting other office guys for drinks, I would probably just go home and take a jog around the park. I find that simply the THOUGHT of being jealous is tiring and honestly, I'm tired enough from other things. 2. Maybe I've learnt from previous experiences that it's pointless expecting too much from someone, hence the futility of imposing any sort of conditions on her. What for? - Willy
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 You sound like a great boyfriend. Mine is the same, short of cheating he never tells me what I can or can't do, and it makes me love him even more. He just trusts me implicitly and it's a wonderful feeling. Not sure where the problem is here. 1
Author willylilly Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Great! Thanks for the assurance. Well, if you want to probe further, my line of questioning extends to where I place my girlfriend in priorities. For me, it goes something like 1. Taking care of mom, 2. Being there for 'family' friends ie friends for like 15 years, 3. Career that serves the community (also monetary gain or 1 and 2), then 4. her. Clearly, after 1 to 3, I kindda have no more mental capacity to be jealous of something I do not know whether I should or should not be jealous of. Of course, I do shuffle 1 to 4 around like during the weekends when I have more time then she becomes 1. Or maybe it's a matter of an individual's outlook in life. I guess others see placing their partners on a pedestal and making it their top priority.
LuckyLady13 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Willy, I'm not positive you've given enough information for me to make a decision but I'm going to try because I did notice something. Does NOT being a controlling bf meaning I don't love my partner? No.I NEVER tell my gf what she can or cannot do, whom she can or cannot see, heck I rarely ask her of her whereabouts.This is excellent. Right on! This absence of control does NOT mean I'm bored with her and will seek my own fun. This caught my attention. You were specific enough to state you are not bored and will seek your own fun. I'm not there, don't know things that may have been said between you two but it just reminded me so much of an ex and a problem we had. I think he was seeing himself the way you see yourself is being on the opposite end of the spectrum of controlling and maybe there is such a thing as going so far to the opposite end that you came off as being bored and uninterested. This ex of mine did come off as bored and uninterested and during that time, I found other guys much more interested (or at least showed they were) and dumped him for someone else. He acted like he was shocked, acted as if I were being cruel but I got tired of him not showing interest like a normal person. Being on the opposite end of the spectrum so far that you're not even present in the persons life enough and showing interest is not a good thing. Life isn't black/white. There are gray areas to navigate your way through and find balance. A good, healthy balance. Being non-controlling does not mean being completely aloof. I hope you don't find yourself like my ex - shocked when it's over. The answer to your question was easy but everything else you said isn't actually related to control or a lack of. It's a different subject. It's not healthy to be so uninvolved that you may come across as uninterested.
GemmaUK Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Nope, you're fine and have a healthy relationship from the sound of it. I want one like that, they are rare these days. 1
Author willylilly Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 This ex of mine did come off as bored and uninterested and during that time, I found other guys much more interested (or at least showed they were) and dumped him for someone else. He acted like he was shocked, acted as if I were being cruel but I got tired of him not showing interest like a normal person. Hello LuckyLady. Thank you for the reply. Okay, let's not put me in the uninvolved category just yet. I can certainly confirm that it is not that I'm absence in her life. Quick recap would be fortnightly romantic dinners, twice a week standard dinners and about once a month hotel stays or short trips. So I can argue that I am in her life. Thinking it through, I believe this question of not controlling stems from two sources, both of which are emotionally based and not rule based. One, perhaps I do not have that intense liking for my gf to the extend where I think of her constantly and want all of her time. I'm sure we associate this intensity for at least one relationship in our lives. Yes, I am aware that this is unhealthy of a relationship. But I don't know which is the better thing: having some of this liking that makes me a little jealous or not having a jealous filled liking which makes me non controlling. Two goes back to how I placed expectations on previous girls and it left me dry when they failed at them. Clear example - I remembered this girl I always wanted to be with and when one day she went clubbing without inviting me, I was so sad. Thus, now I have zero expectation of my current gf ie no expectation of her including me when she has her fun nights. Maybe its a defense mechanism. Maybe its still a good thing?
Author willylilly Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Nope, you're fine and have a healthy relationship from the sound of it. I want one like that, they are rare these days. Great! A few more of these replies and we can call this case closed.
LuckyLady13 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Okay, Willy. You clarified (thank you) and stated you're having romantic dinners and spending what sounds like quality time together so that's great. Just do your best to not see things as black/white and try not to run completely the other way from what you see as jealous/controlling behavior that you've run too far away.
Woggle Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 It seems like you know how to have a healthy relationship which is very rare these days. I am like you in the fact that I am not going to tell and adult what she can and can't do. If she can't be faithful and honest on her own accord then she can get out of here. A woman should be honored to have earned my trust because it is not something I give easily so it means I care very much.
kendahke Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I think that you have a healthy view. I would see no reason to change your tack. If you had a girlfriend who expected you to monitor her like you described above, she'd grow very weary of the relationship very quickly. Stay the course.
Leigh 87 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I agree to an extent - excessive jealously is unhealthy! However, I think when there is passion, there should be a small degree of jealously and comments when it comes to hanging out with other men. In my opinion, there should be a small degree of "wondering" when a girl suggests hanging out with guys - and not every time she does it, but on the odd occasion, I do like, for instance: - the guy to occasionally lament " who are you seeing? hmm ok I worry at times but all good" - for them not to comment EVERY time you catch up with guys, but on the occasion, for the guy to comment that he doesn't like it when guys ogle me. I will give you an example. My good friend has a guy who adores her; there is plenty of passion between them even after nearly two years together. He lets her go out with friends, but he doesn't like it when she wears a revealing item of clothing, because he doesn't like the idea of other men ogling her and "thinking" about her in that way. He is by no means controlling but if she told him that she was going to hang out with a bunch of guys at a bar, he'd not much like it; HE WOULD trust her though and he wouldn't make a scene.
Anderlie Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 See that ^^^ would annoy me. I sometimes like to dress up and look sexy, it's for me not other men. If my husband kicked up a fuss because he didn't want me to wear it I'd be pretty cranky. I can't control what men might think and I shouldn't have to dress accordingly. My only obligation is to not cheat and I manage that quite well no matter what I wear. An outfit isn't a social contract after all. I say keep on keeping on OP, as long as you're a present and attentive partner to your girl I see no problem here.
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