Is it wrong for a woman to expect an orgasm every time?

[SmartDude]

Someone mentioned the weight possibly putting him off and I've thought of that. I have terrible self esteem issues where my body is concerned and that's why I often didn't say anything at all. Even if I only had an O one in ten times. I would feel more confident to ask or say certain things if I was in good shape. I know I'm the only one who can change that though.

 

I rabbit vb was once suggested to me, but I'll introduce the little one first.

 

Thanks again

 

No no, don't go trying to cover up the real issue again with vibrators and toys. Your ability to orgasm is being affected by your body image issues. In fact it is probabbly affecting your whole sex life.

 

When women don't "feel" sexy, often it does not matter if the guy thinks she is hot.

It kills the whole mood. Most guys choose their battles wisely, and will just act polite to make sure that sex happens.

[sandylee1]

No no, don't go trying to cover up the real issue again with vibrators and toys. Your ability to orgasm is being affected by your body image issues. In fact it is probabbly affecting your whole sex life.

 

When women don't "feel" sexy, often it does not matter if the guy thinks she is hot.

It kills the whole mood. Most guys choose their battles wisely, and will just act polite to make sure that sex happens.

 

I don't think I'm covering up the issue. Despite me being overweight, it hasn't lessened his desire for me. If he is turned off by me, he hasn't demonstrated that at all.

 

For so long I never got oral from him, but he'd have it every time if I gave it. So I stopped. I said it works both ways.

 

I didn't ask because I wanted him to want to do it. I didn't like having to ask for something he knows I like. Fast forward a few years and despite the body image issues, I'm older wiser and take less BS than I used to back then. Plus I'm probably a bit more demanding.

 

 

I realised this had to stop. There were other non sexual reasons that made me unwilling to Participate, but we got passed this. I'm well aware that lack of sex can cause either party to cheat.

 

 

He is very complimentary when I wear sexy lingerie as well. I would rather leave some of it on (to cover up) while in the act, but he wants it all off.

 

I've read that some men can feel threatened with toys. I want him to get passed that and be a bit more giving in that department. My world won't collapse over this, but it's obviously going to cause a degree of resentment if he's not open to the toys, which I'd like.

 

I don't want him to feel he isn't enough for me, as I love my H very much. That would only be damaging and likely put him off altogether. As things stand he's withdrawn from me (not literally ) and not initiated in a longer time span than normal.

 

Sorry. I'm kind of all over the place with this post.

[spanz1]

given these two conditions: that she can in fact HAVE orgasms, and she does not mind oral sex!

 

 

then absolutely, she should expect one almost every time there is sex. there is really no excuse except laziness on the man's part. he cums, then if he came too fast, he has to whip out a sex toy, a finger, or his tongue, until he hears that purring kitten roar like a lion.

 

 

In our household, it is more like 3:1 as far as hers/mine, but I really enjoy foreplay.

[central]

If you are capable of having an orgasm (not all women are, or not every time), want an orgasm (sometimes you may want closeness more, or have had one too recently to have another), and there are no time or other constraints that would prevent one, then your partner should do his best to help you reach one. And vice versa. Sometimes, though, despite best efforts and circumstances, it won't happen. If selfishness or lack of skill are the issues, they need to be addressed before the problem becomes the normal situation.

[troubledhusband]

As a man and I am sure you know this already is easy for us to orgasm.

 

My ex wife at times and then more frequent towards the end of our relationship used to rub herself against my legs, thighs butt etc while doing other things to me like play with my nipples mouth etc.

 

She would get off first and then she will take care of me during intercorse.

I'm sure she probable at times had multiple orgasms one during foreplay while she was playing with me outside her and then during normal sex.

 

But now that you mentioned, I am sure that early on in the relationship she might not have always had a orgasm. I started to think so because she would bring up her foreplay game more and more frequent.

 

Even now during our divorce and our most likely last vacation ever when she had sex with me and didn't kiss me, she still got off during her foreplay.

 

On a side note, I've been with a woman that orgasm way too soon (under 2 mins or so also because of the foreplay involved). In fact, it was the first time I didn't orgasm and yes, I can understand the frustration.

[Davey L]

At least most times, anyway, you should O. I'll always wait until wife goes to go myself. There are very rare occasions when one of us doesn't. But then my wife can come very quickly from PIV if she's on top and I do what she needs.

 

Can't he masturbate you with his finger? I actually enjoy doing this and watching her lose control and O.

[Els]

I've read that some men can feel threatened with toys. I want him to get passed that and be a bit more giving in that department. My world won't collapse over this, but it's obviously going to cause a degree of resentment if he's not open to the toys, which I'd like.

 

I don't want him to feel he isn't enough for me, as I love my H very much.

 

In your conversations with him about this, I think you should focus on the fact that a vibrator is a tool, not a replacement. Like lube, or lingerie - it can increase the pleasure, but at the end of the day it's still both of you pleasuring each other. When I use my vibe on myself alone, the pleasure is nowhere near as great as when he uses it on me (or even when I use it on me) during partnered activity!

 

If that still doesn't work... I dunno. Marriage counseling, perhaps, with a therapist specializing in sex? I'm afraid I can't help much more, as I have never experienced this problem - my SO seems to derive pleasure from giving me pleasure, regardless of what tools are used to achieve that.

[redtail]

I've read that some men can feel threatened with toys.

"The difference between men and boys, is the size and the price of their toys"

 

Go for it, men love play things!

[atreides]

how long is a quickie (subjective) and to be realistic orgasm every time... hmm maybe 95%...of the time.

 

for my wife and I, she has times where she just wants to please me and cannot figure out why she cannot O in those rare cases and likewise for me... I have had failure to launch but just simply pleased her.

 

A quickie however for my wife if we are talking 2 mins is not going to O, no matter how fantastic the sex is.. it simply is not going to happen for her that fast.

 

I would say if there is to be a quickie as in really short on time, then take turns on who gets the O and maybe he can cut down the 15 mins orally to maybe half by also using a toy on you in conjunction. I know the posts above talk about toys but for me, there are those that BS about it and there is reality. From a cold start to an orgasm in under 5 mins especially for females without a toy, in my opinion is not going to yield success every time. Toys i guess can be threatening to some guys, but for me and my wife... she prefers i use it on her in conjunction with doing other things. I think many need to understand, there is no way in hell a toy can replace a man and vice-versa for those things that can pleasure a man, is no substitute for the real thing. Elswyth said it best, it is a tool and can be a technique.

 

We have 3 kids and both work and have 16 years of marriage, so we try to do the best we can.

I would be more bothered that he does not want to at least try to please you even if he has had his, i get a lot of pleasure from seeing my wife get hers. It is a huge turn on. Perhaps communicate your needs and if it is to be a quickie, take turns

Edited January 6, 2015 by atreides

[HereNorThere]

Honestly, your whole post comes off as pretty selfish and gets worse as you try to explain it.

 

I would never, ever expect a partner to give me oral sex every time we have sex. That's almost abusive if you think you're entitled to someone else's body like that. If some man was on here complaining that his wife wouldn't do that for him every time, he'd probably be made out to be a heartless bastard. Plus, sorry, but you may think your vagina is all roses, I'm sure there are lots of times when it really isn't that pleasurable for your husband to have his face in it.

 

I used to worry about making my girl O every time to the point where she finally was like "look, it doesn't happen for me every time and it isn't your fault" and that's where you should be. You can't compare your O to your husbands because they aren't the same thing nor even close. For a lot of men, their orgasm isn't even the fun part of sex because it means the sex is over. A lot of men actually just enjoy having sex.

 

I think the problem is that you are blaming him for something YOU can't do every time. That's on you, not him.

 

Shame on you for shaming your husband. This whole thread is one big sexist double standard.

[Els]

Perhaps communicate your needs and if it is to be a quickie, take turns

 

This is a good idea, too.

 

This whole thread is one big sexist double standard.

 

It is not really a double standard if she only wants to orgasm as often as he does.

 

I used to worry about making my girl O every time to the point where she finally was like "look, it doesn't happen for me every time and it isn't your fault" and that's where you should be.

Why is that where she 'should be'? My SO does his best to ensure I orgasm, every time. We've been together for years - it really is possible with an open mind and some effort, and besides, some men really enjoy bringing their girl to orgasm, instead of viewing it as a chore.

 

Sure occasionally it doesn't happen for whatever reason despite both people's best efforts, for both men and women. But that isn't what she's talking about. And sure, some women, like your girl, don't care about orgasm, and in that case your advice applies. But the OP does care and that's what matters.

 

I agree that oral should not be expected all the time. However if he doesn't want to give oral, doesn't want to use his hands, AND doesn't want her to use toys, he's pushing them into a bit of a corner there. She's right to want to address the problem, rather than let it drag on and lose interest in sex.

Edited January 6, 2015 by Elswyth

[HereNorThere]

This is a good idea, too.

 

 

 

It is not really a double standard if she only wants to orgasm as often as he does.

 

Why is that where she 'should be'? My SO does his best to ensure I orgasm, every time. We've been together for years - it really is possible with an open mind and some effort, and besides, some men really enjoy bringing their girl to orgasm, instead of viewing it as a chore.

 

Sure occasionally it doesn't happen for whatever reason despite both people's best efforts, for both men and women. But that isn't what she's talking about. And sure, some women, like your girl, don't care about orgasm, and in that case your advice applies. But the OP does care and that's what matters.

 

 

Lol, oh she cares about her O, trust me. She just knows that a lot of time her orgasms are mental as well as physical and if she has work on her mind or different various hormonal variances, it doesn't matter how much I sweat it out, it's just not gonna happen. That's not my fault and she cares about my feelings enough to let me know that I shouldn't blame myself.

 

Anyway, the problem is that you're acting like the male and female orgasms are the same when it's a total apples to oranges argument. They are completely different. It's a scientific fact that women orgasm less than men do. The Kinsey institute says it's about 85% for hetero males and 62% for females. Not to mention, they are way more varied and ever-changing. I'd gladly trade one hundred male orgasms for 1 female orgasm. Albeit harder to achieve, it looks like females definitely have a better time in that department. A lot of men are motivated by pleasing women they actual male orgasm. Lol, most men actually spend a huge portion of their sex life trying to figure out how NOT to orgasm.

 

I'm glad that you can orgasm every time and think it's great that your husband can give that to you, but in my experience, it's not the norm. You wouldn't shame a male for having erectile disfunction and you shouldn't shame a woman for having a hard time reaching orgasm. Nobody should be forced to take a weekend off, rent a jackhammer and be forced to get this woman off. That's just cruel to put on her husband and will eventually make him resent her.

Edited January 6, 2015 by HereNorThere

[Els]

Anyway, the problem is that you're acting like the male and female orgasms are the same when it's a total apples to oranges argument. They are completely different. It's a scientific fact that women orgasm less than men do. The Kinsey institute says it's about 85% for hetero males and 62% for females.

 

Do you think this is because women orgasm less in general, or because societal/historical trends put huge emphasis on vaginal intercourse being the main course (or only course, even) in heterosexual sex, which isn't the best way for many women to orgasm? It would be more useful to compare male orgasms and female orgasms in homosexual relationships, that way this confounding factor is removed.

 

I'm glad that you can orgasm every time and think it's great that your husband can give that to you, but in my experience, it's not the norm. You wouldn't shame a male for having erectile disfunction and you shouldn't shame a woman for having a hard time reaching orgasm. Nobody should be forced to take a weekend off, rent a jackhammer and be forced to get this woman off. That's just cruel to put on her husband and will eventually make him resent her.

Except we're not talking about him taking a weekend off and renting a jackhammer. We're talking about them looking at other options to get her to orgasm, together. Otherwise she will resent him for not even trying.

 

A woman who has a partner with ED should be open towards looking at ways to work around that, too.

[Poppygoodwill]

 

Anyway, the problem is that you're acting like the male and female orgasms are the same when it's a total apples to oranges argument. They are completely different. It's a scientific fact that women orgasm less than men do. The Kinsey institute says it's about 85% for hetero males and 62% for females.

 

You're mixing your "facts" here and they don't support one another, but that aside....even if they were apples and oranges...why shouldn't she expect to get an apple everytime she has sex? Otherwise - why bother doing it?!?!?!

 

Men wonder why, and complain that women lose interest in sex. There you go: mystery solved.

 

The other part of the problem is that too many women buy this bull**** that they shouldn't expect to have pleasure every time they have sex. It ends up feeling like a chore and a bit like you're being used, and who wants to volunteer for that?

[contact1]

I see two sides to this. Firstly to expect someone to always go down on you every time is unrealistic and actually quite selfish. As state by a previous poster, if a man came in expecting to always get head every session, it would be seen like that clearly.

 

Bearing that in mind, it is not unrealistic to expect one or rather being satisfied each time you have a session if you are able to achieve one. The suggestions to finding other toys and tools to help you reach that is a really good idea. Try to have an open discussion with your husband on the matter, stressing how important it is for sex to be enjoyable and if he doesn't put in the effort and becomes open to other things like these, it's going to make you withdraw from having sex, making is a lose lose for both sides.

 

Also please stop with the getting off and putting your clothes back on so that he "knows what it is like", this is just childish, the two of you are grown adults, talk it out

[sandylee1]

how long is a quickie (subjective) and to be realistic orgasm every time... hmm maybe 95%...of the time.

 

for my wife and I, she has times where she just wants to please me and cannot figure out why she cannot O in those rare cases and likewise for me... I have had failure to launch but just simply pleased her.

 

A quickie however for my wife if we are talking 2 mins is not going to O, no matter how fantastic the sex is.. it simply is not going to happen for her that fast.

 

I would say if there is to be a quickie as in really short on time, then take turns on who gets the O and maybe he can cut down the 15 mins orally to maybe half by also using a toy on you in conjunction. I know the posts above talk about toys but for me, there are those that BS about it and there is reality. From a cold start to an orgasm in under 5 mins especially for females without a toy, in my opinion is not going to yield success every time. Toys i guess can be threatening to some guys, but for me and my wife... she prefers i use it on her in conjunction with doing other things. I think many need to understand, there is no way in hell a toy can replace a man and vice-versa for those things that can pleasure a man, is no substitute for the real thing. Elswyth said it best, it is a tool and can be a technique.

 

We have 3 kids and both work and have 16 years of marriage, so we try to do the best we can.

I would be more bothered that he does not want to at least try to please you even if he has had his, i get a lot of pleasure from seeing my wife get hers. It is a huge turn on. Perhaps communicate your needs and if it is to be a quickie, take turns

 

 

Thanks. This was quite helpful. We've talked some more and he's fine with some toys and is looking forward to getting on with using them. I stressed that they would enhance things and of course I can't snuggle up to a vb.

 

I try to be real about things and as well as my own feelings I take his into account as well.

 

He gets immense pleasure when I do O, that is clear for me to see. He does have the desire to please me, as most normal men would. I'm pretty sure we'll be okay in this regard and he'll probably wonder why we never used them earlier.

[Els]

Thanks. This was quite helpful. We've talked some more and he's fine with some toys and is looking forward to getting on with using them. I stressed that they would enhance things and of course I can't snuggle up to a vb.

 

Sounds like all's well that ends well, then.

 

Enjoy your Os!

[sandylee1]

Honestly, your whole post comes off as pretty selfish and gets worse as you try to explain it.

 

I would never, ever expect a partner to give me oral sex every time we have sex. That's almost abusive if you think you're entitled to someone else's body like that. If some man was on here complaining that his wife wouldn't do that for him every time, he'd probably be made out to be a heartless bastard. Plus, sorry, but you may think your vagina is all roses, I'm sure there are lots of times when it really isn't that pleasurable for your husband to have his face in it.

 

I used to worry about making my girl O every time to the point where she finally was like "look, it doesn't happen for me every time and it isn't your fault" and that's where you should be. You can't compare your O to your husbands because they aren't the same thing nor even close. For a lot of men, their orgasm isn't even the fun part of sex because it means the sex is over. A lot of men actually just enjoy having sex.

 

I think the problem is that you are blaming him for something YOU can't do every time. That's on you, not him.

 

Shame on you for shaming your husband. This whole thread is one big sexist double standard.

 

I don't expect oral every time, and I really don't necessarily want it every time, but it would be nice to have an O nearly as much as he does, which is ALWAYS. I have previously suggested other ways to make me O apart from oral, but he hasn't applied those methods.

 

I don't think I'm being selfish and if you had sex and and only had an O one in ten times, I'm sure you'd think differently. If not, then maybe having one isn't that important to you.

 

Like I said with a quickie before we're going out or to work I don't ever expect to have an O. Maybe my question should have been 'is it wrong to expect an O most times '. I can tell you my H expects to have one EVERY time and he does, except for the odd time I stopped to show him what it felt like.

 

Do you know what it feels like to be full of anticipation and time and time again, have it all end and be left lying there? It's made me feel worthless, useless and undeserving to name but a few.

[sandylee1]

This is a good idea, too.

 

 

 

It is not really a double standard if she only wants to orgasm as often as he does.

 

Why is that where she 'should be'? My SO does his best to ensure I orgasm, every time. We've been together for years - it really is possible with an open mind and some effort, and besides, some men really enjoy bringing their girl to orgasm, instead of viewing it as a chore.

 

Sure occasionally it doesn't happen for whatever reason despite both people's best efforts, for both men and women. But that isn't what she's talking about. And sure, some women, like your girl, don't care about orgasm, and in that case your advice applies. But the OP does care and that's what matters.

 

I agree that oral should not be expected all the time. However if he doesn't want to give oral, doesn't want to use his hands, AND doesn't want her to use toys, he's pushing them into a bit of a corner there. She's right to want to address the problem, rather than let it drag on and lose interest in sex.

 

Thanks Elswyth. You totally understand what I'm saying.

[sandylee1]

I see two sides to this. Firstly to expect someone to always go down on you every time is unrealistic and actually quite selfish. As state by a previous poster, if a man came in

 

Also please stop with the getting off and putting your clothes back on so that he "knows what it is like", this is just childish, the two of you are grown adults, talk it out

 

This was an attempt for him to walk in my shoes see how it felt, sometimes unless you experience something you don't understand it. I did that one time. Compared to the number of countless times I've been left hanging it doesn't even compare. I had talked about it quite a bit before actually doing this and nothing much changed.

 

I challenge anyone who didn't have O's time after time to maintain a high level of enthusiasm.

 

At the end of the day it's about trying to please your partner.

 

Giving oral isn't something I love doing, but because he LOVES it, I do it for him and have previously done it for years on end with no reciprocation. Maybe I let it go on too long, but I wanted to give him pleasure.

[LuckyLady13]

SandyLee, I want to clarify something I failed to mention in my original post about your situation. I said yes, you should expect an orgasm every time but so should he.

 

I would also like to add something because of things I've seen said in this thread by you and other people.

 

When I was younger (and so dumb, apparently), I could have fallen for the whole idea that some women don't orgasm often or even the idea that some women can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation because the few men I had experience with were so horrible at sex and their total lack of comprehension of women being nearly identical to them in many ways had me absolutely confused. I thought sex was such a boring thing to bother doing 80% of the time.

 

Then, during a time in between relationships when I needed a break from everything, I had a friend with benefits for about six months. I knew this guy probably 10 years before this occurred so we knew each other very well and were attracted to each other the entire time. It was a no-brainer that when we were single at the same time for once, the very least we could do is finally have some great sex.

 

Orgasm, in part, is in the mind. I had such a strong attraction to this guy that at times...all he had to do was take his shirt off and I nearly had an orgasm. I learned a lot. Seeing his bare shoulders flooded my head with the times we had such amazing sex. His shoulders were strong and meant a lot to me because they kept me from landing on the floor and getting kind of flung into walls. They were my anchors. Every time I saw them, all I could think about was the amazing sex I had with this guy and the images flooding my mind so rapidly were so intense that it was nearly enough on its own.

 

I thought I was one of those women who fall into the "clitoral stimulation only" category. I was so wrong!!! I had spent years in relationships previously thinking that was the only way and it was so disappointing. Then, I have this friend with benefits who peeled my eyes wide open. No, I'm not one of those women and now I wonder if anyone is?! I spent a lot of years convinced of something that wasn't true.

 

Orgasm is in the mind also in another way. I had never been teased horribly until this guy. He'd bring me so close to orgasm then get up and nearly run to the other side of the room laughing hysterically at me, saying things to me like "you want it so bad, don't you?" and seriously make me beg. It was HORRIBLE but he adored having that control and then within seconds and I mean just seconds of getting back into sex again, I'd have an orgasm so fast I didn't know what hit me! This guy honestly had 100% control over my orgasms, loved having that control and used it to his advantage. He knew me, knew what drove me crazy, had so much fun with it and I benefited like I had never ever previously.

 

Emphasis on how we both benefited. We both had such a great time!!

 

However, this was also the first guy who I had orgasms with without even going near the clitoral stimulation territory.

 

I learned so much about myself, what I'm capable of and all the lies fed to women to get them to just shut up and comply no matter how miserable they are.

 

My standards got raised so high after that guy I expect and accept nothing short of a great sex life with orgasms every single solitary time or I'm out! If I know a guy is just confused as to what he can do and is trying hard to figure himself and the situation out, I'm fine with that but if he isn't even trying? No way.

 

There are so many blatant lies that have been fed to women for so many years and I can't believe it still goes on.

 

Also, there's a huge difference between a guy being able to cum and an orgasm. Why aren't the guys talking about this in this thread? I think it pertains to this situation because there are men out there that do think if they cum at all, that's an orgasm. No, it's not! This is something else I found out with that guy. (Maybe he should teach classes...)

 

I was under another mistaken impression for years. When I found out how similar men and women are when it comes to sex, the way I viewed it was so entirely different. A guy being able to cum is akin to a woman getting wet but for both, an orgasm is an entirely different thing. And the same as a woman having an orgasm is something a guy can feel, a man having an orgasm is something a woman can feel in almost an identical way.

 

The guys I spent years in relationships with previously were able to cum. And that, I now know, was no big deal. We weren't anywhere near where we could and should have been. The first time my FWB had an orgasm, I thought it was painful or something for him and thought from the hard, contracting orgasm he was having, the thing was gonna shoot off like a rocket across the room. I was honestly worried.

 

Once I found out what a real orgasm is like for a man, I never saw sex the same way again and now feel strongly that if the man I'm with isn't having a real orgasm every time, I have to find out what I'm doing wrong, what he's doing wrong and will not be satisfied until his mind is blown. I can't be satisfied if he isn't satisfied. Now, if he just cums and that's it? He's gotta rest up for round 2 so I can see if I can get it right this time. If I fail the second time, I get very upset and will hope he's up for giving me yet another chance to get it right.

 

A lot of lies have been fed to women. It's about time that stops but I think lies being fed to men also need to stop.

 

Men do typically get into the mindset of trying not to be minute men and last as long as they can, under this mistaken impression that if he cums, that's an orgasm and it just takes women forever. None of that is true.

 

I do think if women understood better that orgasms should be easy and no, it's not 100% your fault or you're not just built different or wrong, we can finally start getting to what a male orgasm really is. I think it's a subject just completely ignored most of the time.

 

Men should expect an orgasm every time as well as women. There's no sense bothering to have bad sex or even mediocre.

 

One last thing about it being so in the mind - If you enter the bedroom (or broom closet or airplane bathroom or whatever) with the mindset that women are capable of an orgasm in just minutes with no foreplay and men aren't truly satisfied unless they are having a genuine orgasm, you enter into it with much higher expectations and then you will find a way or ways to achieve your goals. Don't accept less and if at first you don't succeed, try and try again!

 

If the person you're with isn't willing to try though, all I can say is I hope you have no real commitment to this person. If you do, it's all in your hands and there is a lot you can do yourself to remedy the situation. You may be able to completely change the entire dynamic on your own. It will take a while though and a lot of work.

 

An orgasm obviously is not completely in the mind. The physical stimulation has to be there but your mindset entering into it means a lot. Knowing the things I know now changed what I do, the things I attempt to accomplish, my goals are now goals I didn't even know a few relationships ago were possible to achieve so I wasn't even trying.

 

SandyLee, you're capable of a lot more than you realize. I noticed something though. You brought up weight gain and how it bothers you enough that you've tried to keep at least part of yourself covered up. That's not good. Even though you said your husband doesn't seem to be bothered, you still are? That's not a good mindset to have going into this but what I noticed when you talked about this is while you're saying this, I wasn't seeing you say anything at all about how much you're attracted to your husband. Attraction is so key and I saw you say you don't feel attractive but for me personally, if the guy I'm majorly attracted to is attracted to me, I do not care what I think I look like. I'm more concerned about what I think of him! Me having an orgasm at all is completely dependent on if I'm attracted to him or not.

 

I remember a thread a long while back when someone asked if mens bodies can be seen as beautiful and I said yes. Men carry muscle in the places THEY DO, so unlike women and I find that attractive as anything. It doesn't take tons of time in the gym. They are what they are. They are built the way they are built. Some...actually most men I don't find attractive. It's just a few who seem to be the physical embodiment of what a man is.

 

Are you actually attracted to your husband?

[Sub]

It's my goal every time to have my W orgasm. I don't think she expects it, but it's definitely a goal of mine. (I try to stay away from quickie's, for various reasons.)

 

On the flipside: If my W has, say, three orgasms in one session, should it be expected that I equal that "output"?

[sandylee1]

SandyLee, I want to clarify something I failed to mention in my original post about your situation. I said yes, you should expect an orgasm every time but so should he.

 

I would also like to add something because of things I've seen said in this thread by you and other people.

 

When I was younger (and so dumb, apparently), I could have fallen for the whole idea that some women don't orgasm often or even the idea that some women can only orgasm through clitoral stimulation because the few men I had experience with were so horrible at sex and their total lack of comprehension of women being nearly identical to them in many ways had me absolutely confused. I thought sex was such a boring thing to bother doing 80% of the time.

 

Then, during a time in between relationships when I needed a break from everything, I had a friend with benefits for about six months. I knew this guy probably 10 years before this occurred so we knew each other very well and were attracted to each other the entire time. It was a no-brainer that when we were single at the same time for once, the very least we could do is finally have some great sex.

 

Orgasm, in part, is in the mind. I had such a strong attraction to this guy that at times...all he had to do was take his shirt off and I nearly had an orgasm. I learned a lot. Seeing his bare shoulders flooded my head with the times we had such amazing sex. His shoulders were strong and meant a lot to me because they kept me from landing on the floor and getting kind of flung into walls. They were my anchors. Every time I saw them, all I could think about was the amazing sex I had with this guy and the images flooding my mind so rapidly were so intense that it was nearly enough on its own.

 

I thought I was one of those women who fall into the "clitoral stimulation only" category. I was so wrong!!! I had spent years in relationships previously thinking that was the only way and it was so disappointing. Then, I have this friend with benefits who peeled my eyes wide open. No, I'm not one of those women and now I wonder if anyone is?! I spent a lot of years convinced of something that wasn't true.

 

Orgasm is in the mind also in another way. I had never been teased horribly until this guy. He'd bring me so close to orgasm then get up and nearly run to the other side of the room laughing hysterically at me, saying things to me like "you want it so bad, don't you?" and seriously make me beg. It was HORRIBLE but he adored having that control and then within seconds and I mean just seconds of getting back into sex again, I'd have an orgasm so fast I didn't know what hit me! This guy honestly had 100% control over my orgasms, loved having that control and used it to his advantage. He knew me, knew what drove me crazy, had so much fun with it and I benefited like I had never ever previously.

 

Emphasis on how we both benefited. We both had such a great time!!

 

However, this was also the first guy who I had orgasms with without even going near the clitoral stimulation territory.

 

I learned so much about myself, what I'm capable of and all the lies fed to women to get them to just shut up and comply no matter how miserable they are.

 

My standards got raised so high after that guy I expect and accept nothing short of a great sex life with orgasms every single solitary time or I'm out! If I know a guy is just confused as to what he can do and is trying hard to figure himself and the situation out, I'm fine with that but if he isn't even trying? No way.

 

There are so many blatant lies that have been fed to women for so many years and I can't believe it still goes on.

 

Also, there's a huge difference between a guy being able to cum and an orgasm. Why aren't the guys talking about this in this thread? I think it pertains to this situation because there are men out there that do think if they cum at all, that's an orgasm. No, it's not! This is something else I found out with that guy. (Maybe he should teach classes...)

 

I was under another mistaken impression for years. When I found out how similar men and women are when it comes to sex, the way I viewed it was so entirely different. A guy being able to cum is akin to a woman getting wet but for both, an orgasm is an entirely different thing. And the same as a woman having an orgasm is something a guy can feel, a man having an orgasm is something a woman can feel in almost an identical way.

 

The guys I spent years in relationships with previously were able to cum. And that, I now know, was no big deal. We weren't anywhere near where we could and should have been. The first time my FWB had an orgasm, I thought it was painful or something for him and thought from the hard, contracting orgasm he was having, the thing was gonna shoot off like a rocket across the room. I was honestly worried.

 

Once I found out what a real orgasm is like for a man, I never saw sex the same way again and now feel strongly that if the man I'm with isn't having a real orgasm every time, I have to find out what I'm doing wrong, what he's doing wrong and will not be satisfied until his mind is blown. I can't be satisfied if he isn't satisfied. Now, if he just cums and that's it? He's gotta rest up for round 2 so I can see if I can get it right this time. If I fail the second time, I get very upset and will hope he's up for giving me yet another chance to get it right.

 

A lot of lies have been fed to women. It's about time that stops but I think lies being fed to men also need to stop.

 

Men do typically get into the mindset of trying not to be minute men and last as long as they can, under this mistaken impression that if he cums, that's an orgasm and it just takes women forever. None of that is true.

 

I do think if women understood better that orgasms should be easy and no, it's not 100% your fault or you're not just built different or wrong, we can finally start getting to what a male orgasm really is. I think it's a subject just completely ignored most of the time.

 

Men should expect an orgasm every time as well as women. There's no sense bothering to have bad sex or even mediocre.

 

One last thing about it being so in the mind - If you enter the bedroom (or broom closet or airplane bathroom or whatever) with the mindset that women are capable of an orgasm in just minutes with no foreplay and men aren't truly satisfied unless they are having a genuine orgasm, you enter into it with much higher expectations and then you will find a way or ways to achieve your goals. Don't accept less and if at first you don't succeed, try and try again!

 

If the person you're with isn't willing to try though, all I can say is I hope you have no real commitment to this person. If you do, it's all in your hands and there is a lot you can do yourself to remedy the situation. You may be able to completely change the entire dynamic on your own. It will take a while though and a lot of work.

 

An orgasm obviously is not completely in the mind. The physical stimulation has to be there but your mindset entering into it means a lot. Knowing the things I know now changed what I do, the things I attempt to accomplish, my goals are now goals I didn't even know a few relationships ago were possible to achieve so I wasn't even trying.

 

SandyLee, you're capable of a lot more than you realize. I noticed something though. You brought up weight gain and how it bothers you enough that you've tried to keep at least part of yourself covered up. That's not good. Even though you said your husband doesn't seem to be bothered, you still are? That's not a good mindset to have going into this but what I noticed when you talked about this is while you're saying this, I wasn't seeing you say anything at all about how much you're attracted to your husband. Attraction is so key and I saw you say you don't feel attractive but for me personally, if the guy I'm majorly attracted to is attracted to me, I do not care what I think I look like. I'm more concerned about what I think of him! Me having an orgasm at all is completely dependent on if I'm attracted to him or not.

 

I remember a thread a long while back when someone asked if mens bodies can be seen as beautiful and I said yes. Men carry muscle in the places THEY DO, so unlike women and I find that attractive as anything. It doesn't take tons of time in the gym. They are what they are. They are built the way they are built. Some...actually most men I don't find attractive. It's just a few who seem to be the physical embodiment of what a man is.

 

Are you actually attracted to your husband?

 

LadyLike,

 

Thanks for taking the time with your post. To answer your question, yes I am attracted to my H, he's a tall, dark and handsome which are just few of the reasons I made a beeline for him when we met. I didn't mention attraction because I took it as a given. 17 years on and he still does make my heart race pretty often.

 

I totally agree that Is are not always just physical and the mindset also gets you there. I've had a number of partners before we met and maybe I was spoilt by some of them. I'd say with all bar one I had an O every time.

 

Looking back on the one I usually never had Os with, I realise now (I was young and foolishly in love then) that he was a totally selfish lover and it was all about him. To the point of wanting it 4 times a day!!

 

I guess everyone is different and to some women it might not be that big of a deal, but at least trying more often would make me happy. Instead of me feeling like a naughty kid in junior high, getting myself off while he goes to the bathroom to clean up.

 

Thanks again. I appreciate your thoughts.

[xxoo]

 

I guess everyone is different and to some women it might not be that big of a deal, but at least trying more often would make me happy. Instead of me feeling like a naughty kid in junior high, getting myself off while he goes to the bathroom to clean up.

 

I agree that his desire and effort is key, and far more important than the actual O for me. If I don't have one, it isn't because he wasn't willing to try. It's because I wasn't feeling it for whatever reason (it happens).

 

But why must you finish when he's in the bathroom to clean up? Why not say, "I'm not quite done. Stay with me," and finish up with him at your side? It's sexy and intimate, and he might be inspired to help.

[sandylee1]

I agree that his desire and effort is key, and far more important than the actual O for me. If I don't have one, it isn't because he wasn't willing to try. It's because I wasn't feeling it for whatever reason (it happens).

 

But why must you finish when he's in the bathroom to clean up? Why not say, "I'm not quite done. Stay with me," and finish up with him at your side? It's sexy and intimate, and he might be inspired to help.

 

I mentioned toys several months ago and he wasn't keen. I sensed he got kind of withdrawn and I didn't and don't want to upset him, but he seems more open to it now. I know it's a sensitive matter and no way do I want him upset or feeling like I've knocked his ego.

 

I work in a caring profession where psychology plays a part. The toys are a tool not a replacement which could be his feeling. It has been known for some women to want it less when they use an aid.