kaleidoscopic Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 It came as a bit of a shock as he was very affectionate and telling me he loved me over Christmas. We've gone on breaks before as he wanted space but it just seems more serious this time. He said to me "there's something I need to talk to you about" and I guess I could tell by the tone of his voice it wasn't good and I could literally hear my heart thumping away, that's when he said he didn't want to be in a relationship. Apparently he was thinking about it before Christmas but didn't want to upset me before then, it's upset me that we spent Christmas together with all of this in his head but I can see where he's coming from in that he didn't want to ruin anything at that time of the year. We were just talking about a couple of arguements we have had last month where I've over reacted to criticism of burning food in the oven and getting annoyed when he served me spaghetti and meatballs with tomato ketchup instead of bolognaise sauce, so I apologised. We talked it over he started backtracking and he suggested going on a break for a month to think thing's over. It can't be easy living with me and all my mental issues but he says he still loves me which would make breaking up harder in a way. He also says he likes being alone and if he had a full time job wouldn't have time for a relationship. Lots of people have full time jobs and are in a relationship, if you love someone you make time for them but he has aspergers which complicates things a bit as they like more control over their environments. I am just worried he is not being honest to himself when he says he loves me. He doesn't want kids as well so I have to make a decision about whether I want them or not. I used to want them but lately gone off the idea. It's probably something I would sacrifice for love. I'm just so confused :-(
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Honey, he's not the one. How many breaks or break-ups is this now? Your relationship isn't healthy anyway if he's needed so much space from you. This is not all your doing. He just doesn't have the b*lls to break up with you and lose his back-up plan. (You're the back-up plan, by the way) He's giving you major excuses about work, etc. Over-reacting to the wrong sauce on a pasta is not the reason he's checking out. He just doesn't feel it anymore. And the bit about you not wanting kids, that you would sacrifice this for love..Girl, no. He's not even willing to commit to you and you would seriously consider giving up wanting children for him? It hurts, but you need to consider this a break-up. A month-long break in which he can test-drive being singe is BS. That is incredibly unfair to you and you should demand more for yourself. 1
Author kaleidoscopic Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Honey, he's not the one. How many breaks or break-ups is this now? Your relationship isn't healthy anyway if he's needed so much space from you. This is not all your doing. He just doesn't have the b*lls to break up with you and lose his back-up plan. (You're the back-up plan, by the way) He's giving you major excuses about work, etc. Over-reacting to the wrong sauce on a pasta is not the reason he's checking out. He just doesn't feel it anymore. And the bit about you not wanting kids, that you would sacrifice this for love..Girl, no. He's not even willing to commit to you and you would seriously consider giving up wanting children for him? It hurts, but you need to consider this a break-up. A month-long break in which he can test-drive being singe is BS. That is incredibly unfair to you and you should demand more for yourself. This is the 3rd. The first 2 were for one week each when I was ill with psychosis. He has aspergers which makes it different. He likes a lot of control over his environment as we both stay at his flat during the week and I go back on the weekend as I can't go on the tenancy or it would affect his benefits and I can't afford to support both of us on the wage I earn. He says there is no one else and that he loves me. I asked him if he just loves me and is not in love with me but he replied he didn't know the difference. I don't know if he sees a relationship as work that is taking him away from his me-time and if so then I'm not worth it for him. He says that I'm not affectionate enough, like when we're in public and when we're lying on the couch he's the one that initiates everything but I know I can be more affectionate, I'm just a naturally reserved person but I need to break through those barriers. We booked a mini cruise in early December to Bruges for March, he suggested going as friends before he suggested going on a month's break but I don't think that would be a good idea... It's non-refundable too.
JaneDoe12 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I'm sorry you have to go through this, but ditch him. It's not the first nor the second time this happens so it's clear that he's just not that into you. I know it's hard but you have to accept it, break it off and don't look back. The guy for you won't have any problems in committing to you and he will not see you as his plan B. Best of luck to you and be strong. 1
Itspointless Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 THe has aspergers which makes it different. It is, it means he is missing out on social cues, needs some degree of fixed patterns in his life, can have temper tantrums when things go differently than planned for and wants time and space where he has not to think about others (something different than introversion). He apparently is good in knowing what is socially expected as he waited until after Christmas. I do not know in what degree he has it, but it sounds like a difficult situation for you to me. I think it is important for you to look honestly in what degree has is making you happy and will be making you happy. And if you have to walk on eggshells for him or not. In a relation the balance needs to be good to be healthy otherwise only your attachment (chemical bonding) is keeping you with him.
Author kaleidoscopic Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 It is, it means he is missing out on social cues, needs some degree of fixed patterns in his life, can have temper tantrums when things go differently than planned for and wants time and space where he has not to think about others (something different than introversion). He apparently is good in knowing what is socially expected as he waited until after Christmas. I do not know in what degree he has it, but it sounds like a difficult situation for you to me. I think it is important for you to look honestly in what degree has is making you happy and will be making you happy. And if you have to walk on eggshells for him or not. In a relation the balance needs to be good to be healthy otherwise only your attachment (chemical bonding) is keeping you with him. Yes, he cannot deal with spur of the moment things and going out at the last minute and he focuses on small details instead of the bigger picture. When we had the argument with the oven, it was because I put the grill on by mistake as I had never used the oven and I got upset that he got so stressed about it and was intolerant of me making a mistake which is one time I felt I was walking on eggshells and told him that. I made an issue of it the next day as I was still upset by it when I should have just let it lie as ive had my moments before. He lived in the flat before he met me so I think he feels a bit further ahead in life than me as I'm still living with my parents, he's told me this.
Itspointless Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 He lived in the flat before he met me so I think he feels a bit further ahead in life than me as I'm still living with my parents, he's told me this. Hi kaleidoscopic, this sounds like insecurity to me; compensating his lack of control on his life by blaming you for things. Just as bragging is a form of trying to silence a inner critic voice. I understand that you are also having some problems yourself? In that case it could help you both accept each-others differences. But clearly there are limits what you can expect of someone who is in the autistic spectrum and it is up to you if you can live with it.
melell Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I think his point of view might be a bit skewed... if he associates you with dysfunction, it is very easy to blame any dysfunction between you both on you. Regardless of any issues you have, there are people out there that won't hold it against you. Attachment is dangerous, sometimes it is best to walk away.
Author kaleidoscopic Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Hi kaleidoscopic, this sounds like insecurity to me; compensating his lack of control on his life by blaming you for things. Just as bragging is a form of trying to silence a inner critic voice. I understand that you are also having some problems yourself? In that case it could help you both accept each-others differences. But clearly there are limits what you can expect of someone who is in the autistic spectrum and it is up to you if you can live with it. He's not really the type of person to brag. I think he's proud of his independence and view's me of not being quite there yet and I think part of him thinks I would understand more how he likes control of his environment if I were to get a flat of my own. But I've pointed out I've travelled to Australia by myself for 2 weeks and I could do it if I could afford to but I'm content with the way things are, I would rather save for something more substantial as when you rent you are just working to get by with nothing to come out of it and I wouldn't have enough for any luxuries. I have had 3 psychotic episodes in the past and have just had a diagnosis of psychotic depression on NYE... I think all of this may have come about because I made an issue of the fact he got in a mood when I should have given him space. I don't want to give up yet.
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