Invictus01 Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 OP, this advice (Sycamore Circle's advice) is probably the most to the point, and beneficial you will find. We are naturally intrigued by what we don't understand, and feel compelled to label and define, and reason away, until everything that puzzles us fits into nice little boxes, and neat, color coded categories. That makes us feel safe and in control. However, the only thing you need to focus on right now, and ever, is not blaming yourself, forgiving yourself, being kind and patient with yourself. As long as you remember to do that, and do what you need to do to heal, you will be fine. You WILL be more attractive to others once you have let go of any feelings of guilt or being at fault, and really focus on how wonderful you are. You will project confidence, rather than guilt and doubt. And that guilt will be so much easier to let go of if you stop trying to answer all the why's of his actions, and words, and his very nature. The why's are not important. Understanding him, is impossible for someone who has empathy, and will keep your focus on figuring them out, and not on healing you. You don't want to be with that person, so understanding won't help anything. It isn't worth your time to figure him out. Psychologists don't even have all the answers. You know what is important, that you are better off! I wish I could say all of this to my mom as eloquently as sycamore circle put it. She is going through something similar at the moment, and it pains me to hear her question herself, to wonder if something is wrong with her. There is nothing more wrong with you, or her, or anyone fooled by a Naricissist, than there is wrong with a child who believes Santa comes down their chimney on Christmas Eve. I hope this helps. And, one last thing...or two: your mutual "friends" aren't really your friends if they can fall for his lies, when they know you. They should know that its a load of crap, if they are really your friends, manipulation or not. And lastly...are you sure you aren't my mom, switching up a few details for anonymity's sake? I could totally believe you are, lol. I respectfully disagree that it isn't worth your time to figure out what drives a Narc and just trying to concentrate on yourself. Because you will go nuts if you just try to concentrate on yourself after what a Narc puts you through by the end of a discard. That's why many people stay in "relationships" with them for years and allow rounds and rounds and rounds of this hurt. Because they don't understand that the person they are with isn't capable of love and all this all is just an act. And they go back over and over again once the Narc shows up and starts "love bombing" them. Because in the victim's mind, the Narc is "the one". There are plenty of psychologists out there who know this and have published books and papers. They might not know everything, but they know enough to help. Understanding a Narc what actually helps you to start accepting things and move on. 1
todreaminblue Posted January 7, 2015 Posted January 7, 2015 (edited) I have been with abusive partners and been with partners who have not been abusive ...i would not say any of them were narcissistic....if i had problems with guys i have been out with i always go to the person i know best which is me....i sort out why i continued to stay......i had my reasons for each of the guys i went out with......it was me.......i was the catalyst...that could bring change...i couldnt change those i was with ...i could only change how i processed things and how i handled the situations...to avoid certain things from occurring......my exes did exhibit the characteristics that you have mentioned ....both fo them said horrible things...both of them did horrible things to me...i condoned the treatment by staying........and addictions fueled the fires in them..... i know everyone is going to say its not your fault.......i have been told that a thousand times by people around me.......but it actually is....my fault....I allowed it to happen...it is my responsibility to speak up......to stand up and get out when things turn ugly................and i didnt ...i stayed and fought internally......my decision...i own it...... i am not saying that getting beaten is your fault but staying after a beating is your fault....verbal or other wise...not standing up and saying hey ...this has to stop or ill step away th best work you can do ...is to forget about them or him and work on you..make a fresh start for YOU not for them .......do what makes you happy seek therapy.....any good counsellor will be loathe to diagnose your ex without knowign them ....when google could come up with 56783 diagnosis that may or may not be correct going on behaviours of your ex and those around him.....gets even wider in that spectrum by the way ...when others love to be around them...............but they will help you and your issues that you now have...they will deal with the internal scars you carry...which si far more important than what your ex was or was not....there is no logicality in him.....to be had....no reason or rhyme that will make things better for you by knowing and diagnosing him..it wont heal you to give him a label.......only you are important.....in YOU getting better...deb Edited January 7, 2015 by todreaminblue
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