How Do You Recover from Dating a Narcissist?

[LynnJc]

Recently broke up (for good this time) with a man I discovered is a narcissist.

Not only am I dealing with the grief over losing a friend, lover, companion, but I am dealing with the grief of feeling "played" and used as a token.

I am forgiving myself for allowing the verbal abuse to continue for 10 months.

I feel betrayed, heartbroken, confused, angry, sad, distraught, played, taken advantage of, ridiculed and alone.

We have the same group of friends who don't realize his narcissistic traits, so they basically told me to get lost. We are adults in our 30's. This is not high school.

Can anyone else relate to what I'm going through?

I stayed with him for much longer than I should have. He initially showered me with so much affection and love, it felt like love at first sight. The love making was incredible. This wonderful period lasted 2 months before the verbal abuse started. He would give me love and then take it away.

I guess, most of all, I am shocked at how he doesn't empathize with anyone. How could I have loved someone like this? Was I drawn to his extremely high self confidence? His charm and good looks, determination...his fitness level. Those are all characteristics of a good man that I am searching for.

I want to clear all of this self doubt before I enter into another relationship.

What's odd, is he never yelled, screamed or called me names in person. He would relay these messages through email, text and phone.

And how could our circle of friends not see through his façade? Is it possible for someone to only express their narcissistic behavior in romantic relationships or at certain times? As his friend initially, I didn't see the signs either. During biking, sporting events and dinners, I mainly saw his confidence, his humor (joke telling)...he definitely had a presence when he walked into a room. People love to be around him.

Any thoughts?

[Satu]

(Short answer - going out)

 

You'll get some useful answers here, but I'm just going to offer some tips that helped me.

 

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media. Thats not easy, but it helps.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

[welshbambi]

Coming out of a similar situation recently where my feelings were manipulated for the gain/satisfaction/purposes of the other person. It's very difficult because on the one hand you see it for what it is, a person using you for their own emotional gain. On the other, you remember how they held you, touched you and made you feel about yourself.

 

So if I can share how I am trying to deal with it:

1 - you are hooked on the feeling that you had when you were with them, and because it was so intense you fear you will never feel that way again so keep looking backwards because you know you've gotten it from him before and you think you can get it again

2 - try to realise that this might not be a person in the same way you or I is a person. They consider emotion as a difficult thing. THEY are hooked on the effect they have, it makes them feel good about themselves. You kind of need to think of him as a machine. Whether he is or not, trying to turn him into an emotional robot will start making you think differently. Not day in day out, but it does offer you more moments of clarity where you can regroup

 

 

Big hugs, I know how unfair it feels.

[FancyFace]

OP - I am in the process of recovering from a relationship with a cerebral narcissist so I understand your pain entirely and my heart truly bleeds for you. The advice that Satu gave is spot on and you sould try as best as you can to follow it to a tee!

 

I know I am just an internet stranger but please trust me when I say that the number one thing you need to do is go No Contact. This is preached on this forum in respect of all exes but with narcissists it is IMPERATIVE! Block him and delete him on social media, block him on calls/text/whatsapp/email/facebook/instagram/everything. BLOCK AND DELETE both him and his friends. You need to do this to protect yourself, to give yourself space to get out of the fog and confusion he has created. It also helps you to know he cannot contact you so you reclaim the power back instead of waiting for him to contact you.

 

DO NOT STALK HIM on social media or anywhere else. Don't do it trying to figure out what he is doing or thinking, these people are sick, uncaring and calculated so most likely you will see pictures of him and the girl he left you for (because believe me, they never discard unless they have secured another girl to feed off of). It will break you in two to see him in any capacity so don't stalk.

 

You say you have mutual friends? Sorry hun but consider those friends gone. A Narc is the perfect pretender and manipulator and long before he discarded you he more than likely started a smear campaign to make you look like the crazy one, and because his friends arent privy to the monster he is, they believe him. Cut your losses with them and move onto other healthier people. Don't let these mutual friends have a foothold in your life where they will feed him information about you, keep tabs on you and what you are doing or feeling, or worse abuse you by proxy by treating you like ****.

 

I really implore you to block/delete and run like the wind. He may try come back but not because he loves you or realises his faults, these people are incapable of love or responsibility or empathy. If he returns, its because whoever he left you for is now demanding too much, is boring him or just didnt pan out OR he wants the ego stroke to know he has caused you harm but you will still talk to him OR he wants sex or money OR just to make sure you are still miserable and pining over him all broken and devastated. Don't fall for any sweet talking bull about about changing or anything.

 

It doesnt seem like it right now but even though him discarding you hurts above and beyond human comprehension trust and believe me that it is the greatest gift he could have ever given you. You are away from a toxic, vile individual and you can rebuild a life that is filled with goodness and love. That is more than anything he could have ever offered you! Even though he left, I say RUN, run like the wind and stay running!

 

Try read up on Narc's, there are some really good blogs that will explain everything to you in better detail so educating your self is key.

 

Don't blame yourself please please please, that is part of the con. The man you fell in love with in the first two months was not real, that was a fake and a phony to make you fall in love and then use and abuse you. The man that discarded you is the real person.

 

It will get better. How ironic that my Narc used to say H.O.P.E means (H)old.(O)n.(P)ain.(E)nds - how right he was! Hold on, pain ends!

 

Sending you love and light!

Edited January 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted links to commercial content

[BC1980]

What's odd, is he never yelled, screamed or called me names in person. He would relay these messages through email, text and phone.

And how could our circle of friends not see through his façade? Is it possible for someone to only express their narcissistic behavior in romantic relationships or at certain times? As his friend initially, I didn't see the signs either. During biking, sporting events and dinners, I mainly saw his confidence, his humor (joke telling)...he definitely had a presence when he walked into a room. People love to be around him.

Any thoughts?

 

OP, I feel for you, and I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I was with a man for 3 yrs. who had strong narcissistic traits and was emotionally/verbally abusive. Probably cheated on me, and I just found out yesterday that he became engaged 5 months after we stopped talking. On to the next victim I guess. . . .

 

To answer your specific questions. Why did he never yell/scream/call you names? My narc never did any of those things. He was very calm and mild mannered, very in control of the situation. He would not allow himself to get out of control by screaming. Also, I am very mellow and had no boundaries, so I rarely challenged him. He was very skilled at the implied insult, meaning that he never outright called me "lazy," he just constantly hinted that I was lazy by disapproving of me sleeping in on a non-work day or not being able to walk as fast as him when we would go leisure walking outside. He actually once told me he would never have kids with me because he would have to do all the work. He constantly made insinuations without coming right out and insulting me, which is why I second guessed myself quite often. Relaying the messages through electronics keeps him detached. It's not as personal as face to face, and well know narcs don't like personal. So that's a possible explanation.

 

The second question. Can he put up a good facade? Oh my, yes, that is their expertise. I was actually set up with my narc by a mutual friend who has since profusely apologized and had no idea. No one did. My narc was a funny, nerdy, overly nice sorta guy. People always liked him at first, but he eventually rubbed them the wrong way over time. That arrogance would come out. I think that most people realize there is something wrong with a narc, but they don't know what it is. The relationship isn't deep enough to warrant looking into what might be the problem. My family genuinely thought something was "off" with my narc, but they didn't know what it was.

 

The best thing you can do is have empathy for yourself through the recovery process. Come to accept that your guy had a superficial attachment to you, as he does to all others. There is nothing wrong with you. He is simply incapable of attaching too deeply to others and treats them like objects. You will find your way back over time, but you can never engage with him again. To do so would be very detrimental because they have a way of pulling you back in.

[FortunateSon]

OP, I feel for you, and I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I was with a man for 3 yrs. who had strong narcissistic traits and was emotionally/verbally abusive. Probably cheated on me, and I just found out yesterday that he became engaged 5 months after we stopped talking. On to the next victim I guess. . . .

 

To answer your specific questions. Why did he never yell/scream/call you names? My narc never did any of those things. He was very calm and mild mannered, very in control of the situation. He would not allow himself to get out of control by screaming. Also, I am very mellow and had no boundaries, so I rarely challenged him. He was very skilled at the implied insult, meaning that he never outright called me "lazy," he just constantly hinted that I was lazy by disapproving of me sleeping in on a non-work day or not being able to walk as fast as him when we would go leisure walking outside. He actually once told me he would never have kids with me because he would have to do all the work. He constantly made insinuations without coming right out and insulting me, which is why I second guessed myself quite often. Relaying the messages through electronics keeps him detached. It's not as personal as face to face, and well know narcs don't like personal. So that's a possible explanation.

 

The second question. Can he put up a good facade? Oh my, yes, that is their expertise. I was actually set up with my narc by a mutual friend who has since profusely apologized and had no idea. No one did. My narc was a funny, nerdy, overly nice sorta guy. People always liked him at first, but he eventually rubbed them the wrong way over time. That arrogance would come out. I think that most people realize there is something wrong with a narc, but they don't know what it is. The relationship isn't deep enough to warrant looking into what might be the problem. My family genuinely thought something was "off" with my narc, but they didn't know what it was.

 

The best thing you can do is have empathy for yourself through the recovery process. Come to accept that your guy had a superficial attachment to you, as he does to all others. There is nothing wrong with you. He is simply incapable of attaching too deeply to others and treats them like objects. You will find your way back over time, but you can never engage with him again. To do so would be very detrimental because they have a way of pulling you back in.

 

Sounds exactly like my ex fiancé, she is exactly as you are describing yours!!

[Elle1975]

Rather than a narcissist, you describe a psychopath. The loving you, then hurting you in the same breath. However, since I'm not a health professional, and he hasn't been diagnosed, I will hold my breath on that one.

 

I think what hurts you most is to feel like a naive little fool. I say so because you said you feel like you've been played, like he's hidding his true colors even from his close friends.

 

I don't know you, so this is just a thought.

 

Forgive yourself. Those people are masters at what they do. The only way to prevent this from happening again is to be cautious without becoming skittish, to learn how to spot the red flags, and call him out on his crap as soon as the first sign of abuse pops up, then leave.

 

There was no point in lingering in this relationship, but how could you have known? The guy was prince charming from day one, you probably shrugged it off at first, thinking maybe he was just a moody person, or that it was part of his personality traits.

 

Understand that because his behavior probably built up slowly, it made it hard for you to react right away.

 

Cut him off totally. Block him from contacting you. You will regain power, and self-esteem.

 

And again, don't be so hard on yourself.

[LynnJc]

"The relationship isn't deep enough to warrant looking into what might be the problem. My family genuinely thought something was "off" with my narc, but they didn't know what it was."

You are right about this. This is likely why our mutual friends don't realize he is a narc and believe his outrageous stories about me.

I also relate to you on the "implied insults" he did this to me a lot.

I have never suffered from low self esteem and confidence until now. I have a lot of work to do, I'm sure I will heal in time.

I also accept responsibility for sticking around with him so long. I guess I treated this like a normal relationship but it was nothing of the sort.

Kinda crazy how your worst relationship can evoke the best feelings you've ever felt.

[BC1980]

Understand that because his behavior probably built up slowly, it made it hard for you to react right away.

 

Yes, 100% agree. They come out strong in the beginning with the good guy act. I was asking myself what I had done to deserve such a good guy. After about 6 months, he started in with the verbal abuse and blowing hot and cold. They love to blow how and cold, as a way to remain in power. By the time I was onto him, I was in love with him and caught up in the cycle of abuse. You loose the ability to see objectively over time, and it only gets worse. They are masters of convincing you that YOU are the problem. You are overreacting. You are asking for too much. You misheard them when they made a promise of commitment. You took the insult the wrong way. You are too sensitive.

 

It took me months of NC to see the light, and I had to constantly remind myself.

[Haydn]

Yes, 100% agree. They come out strong in the beginning with the good guy act. I was asking myself what I had done to deserve such a good guy. After about 6 months, he started in with the verbal abuse and blowing hot and cold. They love to blow how and cold, as a way to remain in power. By the time I was onto him, I was in love with him and caught up in the cycle of abuse. You loose the ability to see objectively over time, and it only gets worse. They are masters of convincing you that YOU are the problem. You are overreacting. You are asking for too much. You misheard them when they made a promise of commitment. You took the insult the wrong way. You are too sensitive.

 

It took me months of NC to see the light, and I had to constantly remind myself.

 

All of this.

[LynnJc]

I am pretty sure he is a narcissist and possibly a psychopath, although I'm in the medical field, I'm not a psychiatrist by any means.

I've been able to analyze him from a distance now that our relationship is over, and boy I missed a lot of signs. His treatment of animals, his neighbors, his family, the way he treated waitresses, his constant employment changes...etc

I don't believe there is treatment for either condition. I would hope at some point he could be a normal member of society. I imagine how his brain must work going through all this nonsense. Gosh, what the life of a narc must be like.

 

 

I have let him go. He has been blocked from all social media/email/cell phone. He never was big on social media except dating sites, which months into our relationship, he gladly showed me he was a member of!!

That was pretty painful. His excuse was, that he is "hot" and likes to "look" and converse with women.. Really?? He felt he was a celebrity.

 

 

I am concerned he may drive by my house or my place of employment, who knows what he will do at this point. It feels like he is done with me, even though I am the one who broke up. He went hysterical when I broke things off.

Hopefully as some of you have said, he is on to his next woman. He's probably starting phase one with her right now, the romance, love at first sight, stage. Buying her flowers, telling her she is the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, making plans for their future.

 

 

Thanks everyone!!

[BC1980]

"The relationship isn't deep enough to warrant looking into what might be the problem. My family genuinely thought something was "off" with my narc, but they didn't know what it was."

You are right about this. This is likely why our mutual friends don't realize he is a narc and believe his outrageous stories about me.

I also relate to you on the "implied insults" he did this to me a lot.

I have never suffered from low self esteem and confidence until now. I have a lot of work to do, I'm sure I will heal in time.

I also accept responsibility for sticking around with him so long. I guess I treated this like a normal relationship but it was nothing of the sort.

Kinda crazy how your worst relationship can evoke the best feelings you've ever felt.

 

Narcs latch onto people with self-esteem and co-dependency issues because we feed their need for power. They know we will say "how high" when they say "jump." I was a shadow of myself and had given up a lot of my personality. He conditioned me to think that there was something wrong with me, and I absolutely believed him. I wanted to prove that I was good enough for him, worthy of his commitment. Sounds awful right?

 

A lot of my friends were shocked when I revealed how bad it had been. My sister actually couldn't stand the guy and was onto him from the beginning. He was downright cruel with the implied insults. I herniated a disk in my back and went to the ER because there was no clinic open on Sunday morning in the area. He loved to make fun of me and imply that I overreacted by doing that. I could barely walk the pain was so bad. I couldn't stand up straight. He never let me live that one down. Yet he went to 5 different specialists for silly things over the course of 3 yrs.

 

All that was just the way he treated me. You should have seen the way he treated his son.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, have faith!

 

In three months things will be much clearer to you. As a loving, caring person, it's right for you to feel partly to blame for what has happened. You're going to reach a point where the reality of what you've suffered takes on full clarity. Mostly, you'll feel anger. And after the anger will come pity. Pity that someone who has so many talents resorts to such base, low, inhuman behavior.

 

The kind of pain you're suffering will enlighten you to greater heights of awareness and compassion. You will become a much more emotionally rich person. And people will take notice. It will enrich future relationships.

[Elle1975]

He never was big on social media except dating sites, which months into our relationship, he gladly showed me he was a member of!!

That was pretty painful. His excuse was, that he is "hot" and likes to "look" and converse with women..

 

Wow

You dodge a bullet, for sure. Who knows how far he would have gone.

 

May I suggest you change your locks, if he had a key to your door at any point in time. Hell I'd change the lock anyways, just in case.

[amaysngrace]

Narcissists are empty shells who suck the life right out of you.

 

Anything they give back is superficial and temporary. They only do it so that you can supply them with more of what they need....like a vampire.

[melell]

I am not too sure about psychoanalyzing people, I do think these types fall all over the spectrum so it is tricky to draw conclusions..

 

Regardless- if I were you I would look very closely at myself, and figure out what I was getting from this person, what purpose they were serving for me, and why that has such an impact on me. What is productive for you in your life, and what isn't it.

 

Try to isolate the superficial highs you get off them, from the meaningful ones. If you actively do this with this person, and anyone in future, it is very revealing, and kills a lot of those surface level attractions.

 

For me at least lol

[Invictus01]

I am about 7 weeks out of dating a girlie sociopath for almost 7 months, so what I have below is based on my own experience...

 

First thing you need to do is cut off all communication with him. They tend to randomly show up in your life once you think they are gone but that has nothing to do with them somehow realizing they miss you. It has everything to do with them making sure you don't move on and stay on the leash they can yank whenever they can to get an ego boost.

 

Then you need to realize and accept that you really never had a relationship with him. It was a mirage. I know the whole thing is simply surreal but that's really what happened. None of it was real. You dated an actor who morphed into a role and presented himself as this perfect guy for you. He is probably doing the same to somebody else right now and that somebody else also thinks they met the one. They derive pleasure out of getting you as high as they can get and then slam you into the ground as hard as possible. Crazy? Yep. Unbelievable? For sure. But that's what happens when you deal with these people. Kinda tough to reconcile all this between the brain and the heart, but you at least need to accept this in your brain.

 

As far as people not seeing it. It isn't just romantic relationships they do this in. He will eventually f@ck over his friends, co-workers, just about everybody he deals with. That's just what they do. They don't see humans as humans. Everything and everybody is just an object to them. So, eventually everything and everybody gets used and discarded for a new, shiner object. But they are sooooooooooooooooo good at acting, they always have a group of cheerleaders around them. But whatever you do, do not try to expose him. You can not fight those guys. The playing field isn't level when a person without conscience lines up against a normal person. Anything and everything goes for him. I am sure it isn't the case for you.

 

There is a whole lot of info out there on this topic. Read up. Find some online support groups for people who went through this. Unfortunately, you will probably find little support and understanding from your friends and family on this because this "relationship" and its aftermath is just so much different than any other relationship. By far the best explanation of this whole process I have found is this - 1 out of 20 have destructive, sociopathic tendencies.... I have a feeling you will read it and go - holy $hit, this is my story!

 

But the most important part - do not blame yourself for any of this. You dealt with a skilled con artist. NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT.

[Invictus01]

I am about 7 weeks out of dating a girlie sociopath for almost 7 months, so what I have below is based on my own experience...

 

First thing you need to do is cut off all communication with him. They tend to randomly show up in your life like nothing happened once you think they are gone but that has nothing to do with them somehow realizing they miss you. It has everything to do with them making sure you don't move on and stay on the leash they can yank whenever they can to get an ego boost. You are just one entry on the list of people they use to entertain themselves.

 

Then you need to realize and accept that you really never had a relationship with him. It was a mirage. I know the whole thing is simply surreal but that's really what happened. None of it was real. You dated an actor who morphed into a role and presented himself as this perfect guy for you. He is probably doing the same to somebody else right now and that somebody else also thinks they met the one. They derive pleasure out of getting you as high as they can get and then slam you into the ground as hard as possible. Just out of boredom, to entertain themselves. Crazy? Yep. Unbelievable? For sure. But that's what happens when you deal with these people. Kinda tough to reconcile all this between the brain and the heart, but you at least need to accept this in your brain for now.

 

As far as people not seeing it. It isn't just romantic relationships they do this in. He will eventually screw over his friends, co-workers, just about everybody he deals with. That's just what they do. Everything is a game to help with their horrible boredom and each game must be won by taking down the opponent. They don't see humans as humans. Everything and everybody is just an object to them. So, eventually everything and everybody gets used and discarded for a new, shinier object. But they are sooooooooooooooooo good at acting, they always have a group of cheerleaders around them. But whatever you do, do not try to expose him. You can not fight those guys. The playing field isn't level when a person without conscience lines up against a normal person. Anything and everything goes for him. I am sure it isn't the case for you.

 

There is a whole lot of info out there on this topic. Read up. Find some online support groups for people who went through this. Unfortunately, you will probably find little support and understanding from your friends and family on this because this "relationship" and its aftermath is just so much different than any other relationship. By far the best explanation of this whole process I have found is this - 1 out of 20 have destructive, sociopathic tendencies.... I have a feeling you will read it and go - holy crap, this is my story! If you can find it, read a book called Sociopath Next Door. A very useful read on this topic.

 

But the most important part - do not blame yourself for any of this. You dealt with a skilled con artist (just for the hell of it, my sociopath girlie even was a theater/film major in college, they even go THAT far to work on their skills). NONE OF THIS WAS YOUR FAULT.

Edited January 5, 2015 by Invictus01

[Gatema]

I heard a comment the other night that made me instantly think about my Narcissistic ex the minute I heard it; and he's been my ex for many years. Which leads me to believe that the answer to your first question would be, No.

 

I heard:

 

" You, you just f*ing suck up everything that's around you, and then, and then you just spit it all back out again, and it's, it's all f*ing broken when you do"

 

I say:

 

" Being in a relationship with someone that is Narcissistic can have its good points...said no one ever"

Edited January 5, 2015 by Gatema

[FancyFace]

I so agree with Invictus01 about the fact that friends and family simply will not get it. Until someone has interacted with a Narcissist on that level, they just do not get it. My family and friends think I'm being dramatic, weak, paranoid and crazy. Be prepared for that by finding a good therapist who understands the disorder and forums where people can support you.

[Invictus01]

I so agree with Invictus01 about the fact that friends and family simply will not get it. Until someone has interacted with a Narcissist on that level, they just do not get it. My family and friends think I'm being dramatic, weak, paranoid and crazy. Be prepared for that by finding a good therapist who understands the disorder and forums where people can support you.

 

Yep, that's the response I got from just about all my friends. I even had one of my friends tell me that, maybe, I just misread the whole thing and took her friendly interaction with me for something more than what it was. So, basically, called me nuts It feels like you are psychologically isolated from your support environment, from people who have always been there for you no matter what and always understood you. Makes the whole experience THAT much more insane.

[LadyM]

It sounds like you're the one who broke up with him and I must give you so much credit for having the strength and self-esteem to do so. You got away. You're one of the lucky ones.

 

It is typical for the narcissist to only allow the relationship to end when there is a new "love" waiting in the wings. And that usually happens after he has exploited, abused and crushed the self-worth of the current "love." There is really no "love" - rather, the narcissist accumulates one "victim" after the next.

 

There is a good chance your recovery won't take as long as for those of us who were left for the next victim. It is a break up like no other.

 

I tried to get away from my narcissist countless times, but he would beg for me to stay with promises of change, that is, until he found someone new. Even though I am much healed, I still bear the scars of a pretend relationship. At times, I still wonder how in the world could I have gotten caught up with such a sick man. To this day, I cannot trust. I don't date. And I am extremely lonely.

 

One of the best and most important strategies to recover from a narcissist is going complete NC. It took a very long time for me to get that started as I would check FB, etc., but when I did a true NC, the pain finally began to decrease.

 

I pray that your destiny will be easier than mine.

[Sucker for Love]

OP, this advice (Sycamore Circle's advice) is probably the most to the point, and beneficial you will find. We are naturally intrigued by what we don't understand, and feel compelled to label and define, and reason away, until everything that puzzles us fits into nice little boxes, and neat, color coded categories. That makes us feel safe and in control. However, the only thing you need to focus on right now, and ever, is not blaming yourself, forgiving yourself, being kind and patient with yourself. As long as you remember to do that, and do what you need to do to heal, you will be fine. You WILL be more attractive to others once you have let go of any feelings of guilt or being at fault, and really focus on how wonderful you are. You will project confidence, rather than guilt and doubt. And that guilt will be so much easier to let go of if you stop trying to answer all the why's of his actions, and words, and his very nature. The why's are not important. Understanding him, is impossible for someone who has empathy, and will keep your focus on figuring them out, and not on healing you. You don't want to be with that person, so understanding won't help anything. It isn't worth your time to figure him out. Psychologists don't even have all the answers. You know what is important, that you are better off!

 

I wish I could say all of this to my mom as eloquently as sycamore circle put it. She is going through something similar at the moment, and it pains me to hear her question herself, to wonder if something is wrong with her. There is nothing more wrong with you, or her, or anyone fooled by a Naricissist, than there is wrong with a child who believes Santa comes down their chimney on Christmas Eve. I hope this helps. And, one last thing...or two: your mutual "friends" aren't really your friends if they can fall for his lies, when they know you. They should know that its a load of crap, if they are really your friends, manipulation or not. And lastly...are you sure you aren't my mom, switching up a few details for anonymity's sake? I could totally believe you are, lol.

[littlemisshappy]

I can completely relate. My situation feels identical to yours. The feelings are all the same. Losing a friend, companion, feeling really stupid and humiliated and taken advantage of. Used.

 

After he broke up with me so coldly, I found out that he had put an awful lot of time into convincing our mutual friends that I was being neglectful and even abusive of him, accusing me of things I never did like forgetting his birthday. They all rallied around him, ganged up on me and organised a very cruel confronatation where I was not allowed to speak or correct any of the lies they were shouting at me..and I mean shouting.

 

He seemed to have created an army of followers out of mutual friends. It was very painful for me and I couldn't believe how they thought I could be neglectful (I am the most people pleasing, least selfish person).

 

I believe me ex is was what is called an introverted narcissist, whereby he seems shy and acts like he is a bird with a broken wing towards everyone. I mean everyone. Despite being older than me and in his thirties all his friends called him "my little baby" (including guy friends!) and he loved it. I believe this is why all our friends rallied around him (sympathy).and anyone who would not take the sympathy card, he could have no realtionship with and blocked them out.

 

He forms relationships with older women who acted as mother figures and then uses them as a stepping stone for 'supply' and sympathy.

 

These people are adept at being the nice guy when they need to and we feel stupid for falling for it initially. Their facade is so convincing. I consider myself a good judge of character, which is why I was in disbelief when the 'real' him started showing through a year into the relationship.

 

It is a difficult situation because mutual friends do not see it. It is only people who are super close. (in my case, no one else becasue surprise suprise, he didnt have any other friends other than mutual ones I intriduced him to!).

 

Don't feel stupid for missing red flags. Just learn to spot them and make sure it can never happen again.

 

Well, he went cold, broke up with me callously and a few days later (after being screamed at by his army of our mutual friends) I found out that he had been seeing another girl behind my back for a while. and even the mutual friends were condoning his cheating and lying because apparently I was so abusive and cruel!? It was all a smear campaign to make him look innocent and recieve sympathy from everyone. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

 

I was a doting girlfriend to him but he couldn't even give me the decency of explaining the break up. when I asked him for a reason during our final conversation (more than a week after he told me he wanted to end it), his response was "you'll have to give me some time to come up with an answer"...really??

 

The worst part is, most of his energy was wrapped up in coming off as the good guy to everyone else. It was damage control. yet he was treating me so badly. And once i confronted him about the cheating, he did the cowardly thing and blocked me and ran away. Still, convincing everyone else he was the nice guy and eliciting even more sympathy from everyone.

 

Two months on and I am coping. NC has been a lifesaver. I am starting to see the relationship for what it was and that I deserve much, much better.

As do you.

 

It is a strange combination of emotions where you wonder at time if the relationship even existed at all and why you coped with the behavour. Hindsight is a beautiful thing.

And as for the gradul chipping away of self esteem. I can relate to this aswell. I have never had confidence issues before this and somehow he found a way to make me feel not good enough. I would pull the stops out for him and do special things, but it was never good enough. I was never good enough. People like this are toxic and they drain you of everything good you possess until you are empty. Spend time alone and rediscover how great you are, just by yourself! Remind yourself that he mad no right to make you feel like this. Do not let it affect your self worth.

 

It is best that you and I, and everyone else with similar stories here are out of these toxic situations and can rediscover our beautiful selves taht we were before these relationships.

The ex's on the other hand, they are stuck with their toxic selves - they cannot run away!

 

Recently broke up (for good this time) with a man I discovered is a narcissist.

Not only am I dealing with the grief over losing a friend, lover, companion, but I am dealing with the grief of feeling "played" and used as a token.

I am forgiving myself for allowing the verbal abuse to continue for 10 months.

I feel betrayed, heartbroken, confused, angry, sad, distraught, played, taken advantage of, ridiculed and alone.

We have the same group of friends who don't realize his narcissistic traits, so they basically told me to get lost. We are adults in our 30's. This is not high school.

Can anyone else relate to what I'm going through?

I stayed with him for much longer than I should have. He initially showered me with so much affection and love, it felt like love at first sight. The love making was incredible. This wonderful period lasted 2 months before the verbal abuse started. He would give me love and then take it away.

I guess, most of all, I am shocked at how he doesn't empathize with anyone. How could I have loved someone like this? Was I drawn to his extremely high self confidence? His charm and good looks, determination...his fitness level. Those are all characteristics of a good man that I am searching for.

I want to clear all of this self doubt before I enter into another relationship.

What's odd, is he never yelled, screamed or called me names in person. He would relay these messages through email, text and phone.

And how could our circle of friends not see through his façade? Is it possible for someone to only express their narcissistic behavior in romantic relationships or at certain times? As his friend initially, I didn't see the signs either. During biking, sporting events and dinners, I mainly saw his confidence, his humor (joke telling)...he definitely had a presence when he walked into a room. People love to be around him.

Any thoughts?

[saz123]

Damn your first post really reminds me of my relationship that has just finished.

I can really empathise with you. I feel crushed. See my recent post called "I've ruined everything and I hate myself for it".

 

Lost my best friend and love and companion and everything. He showed no empathy when breaking up with me. Nothing at all.

 

And just like your story, he never wanted to talk about serious things in person. Only via text!! He hates phone calls too.

 

However my now ex boyfriend liked to power trip for sure, whenever he felt like he was made weak by me, he'd break up with me or say "I can't see you, if I meet up with you, you will never know how to behave". Oh and then he showered me with love after. Then bam it was gone. Bam it was back. Literally like a yo-yo.

Edited January 7, 2015 by saz123