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Doesn't everyone settle when it comes to looks? [Updated]


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Posted
Its' not completely relevant, but you can groom yourself to be attracted to certain types.

 

For example, say you have no or less attraction to heavy women and/or Asian women.

 

If you watch a lot of porn with Asian women, it will definitely do something to improve your attraction to Asian women. Same for heavier women. So much of attraction is based on familiarity, media and association.

 

I have noticed that has happened when I watch different varietals of porn. Again, I know it's not completely relevant to your case, since yours is more degree of attractiveness, but hey.

 

It's not like he wasn't attracted to her at all, or that she was of a different body type. He said he was attracted to her. He just has major GIGS.

 

In fact, I'd bet that the women he dates are quite beautiful. But because of his mindset, no one woman is good enough.

  • Like 1
Posted

You need to find "your 10" to some this may be a 5 or less really that rating system is kind of irrelevant for 90% of the population as looks are subjective imo anyways and at some age 95% of the population will start losing their looks anyways its just how aging works!

 

That said from the sounds of it since you say you were attracted to this girl then I think yes you did screw things up by wanting "better" if there was honestly no attraction and you were going off of her personality alone then thats different and I would question why you would even do that to her? at the end of the day you dumped her you made your choice all you can do is learn from it..

Posted
I agree but how does one become less superficial?

 

Connect. Lower the walls and let someone in. Experience love and sex on a deeper level.

  • Like 2
Posted
I mean we all want a perfect 10, but most of us know it's not attainable. So we do the best that we can and we settle for "good enough."

 

Would you rather settle down with someone you're moderately attracted to physically, but with an awesome personality, or just hold out for someone that knocks your socks off in addition to having an awesome personality? I'm in my mid 30's and want to start a family soon so I feel as though I don't have much time.
If you don't have a change of perspective I'm afraid you are in for a disappointing life!! No we don't all want a "perfect 10" and measure our partner up against a physical ideal, we really don't. I'm pretty confident to say that no happily married man or woman is doing that, it doesn't mean they can't appreciate a perfectly beautiful or handsome person when they see one but what they have with their own mate far surpasses that! As long as you see loving somebody who is not a "perfect 10" as settling I'm sorry but you're in trouble, I hope you grow out of it! :)
Posted

I date people I'm attracted to.

 

Not some abstract concept of a 10 in my mind.

 

My 10 is the man I'm into and like and have the hots for, to someone else he may not be that.

 

Attraction for me is more complex than looks and I'm not sexually or romantically attracted to all good looking men so i do not understand the mindset of those who chase some strange number value of looks.

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Posted

The person I'm attracted to has nothing to do with some abstract concept of 1-10 and certainly never has anything to do with settling.

  • Like 2
Posted
I'm hoping this experience will be the start of this change.

 

The cool thing is you're completely in charge of you.

 

 

 

Actually I think porn may have played an important role in being superficial. No real life woman can compete with endless number of beautiful pornstars. I actually decided to quit porn so i'm hoping that helps me view women for who they are instead of what they look like.

 

I found this interesting because I also was exposed to a lot of the perhaps more 'glamor porn' of decades past but it in no way affected the core characteristics that evidently were formed during socialization. I remember talking with a Playboy model at an auto show when I was 14 and how breathtakingly beautiful she was in person (Miki Garcia was her name) but yet was attracted to and pursued a variety of young ladies in high school, as evidenced by looking back at old yearbooks. I never got the socialized message that appearing beautiful=immediately romantically attractive and that remains to this day, even in light of that 20 year Playboy collection lurking somewhere out in the office. Perhaps something short-circuited! :D

 

This underscores how we're all different and differences can be bluntly simple to excruciatingly complex. That's how human existence goes.

  • Like 3
Posted

My bf is a gorgeous 10 to me outside and inside who cares what others might think honestly I think op was more worried about what others thought of his gf then really how he truly felt about her could be wrong but it sounds like it as he sounds young and a tad shallow like I said live and learn I guess..

Posted

Depends really. If you have a completely specific requirement looks wise (she has to be blond, with mid-length hair, she needs to wear summer dresses, have C cup breasts, and hazel eyes, etc etc) then yeah, you might wanna consider "settling".

 

As much as I have a type, it's not stringent and if I'm physically attracted to her - regardless of whether she's my "type" or not - it won't be settling on looks.

  • Like 1
Posted

"10" is subjective. I'll be more then happy to settle for a "6" right now if she is a"10" at 45.

 

In all honesty though I don't know how people can rate looks on a number scale. I'm either fully attracted or not, either they are pretty to me or they are not. The beautiful "10" will get no more attention from me then a beautiful "6"

  • Like 5
Posted
Beauty does fade..but attractiveness of a face to the one who loves them never dies.

 

It is nice to think so and I hope you're right!

  • Like 1
Posted
My bf is a gorgeous 10 to me outside and inside who cares what others might think honestly I think op was more worried about what others thought of his gf then really how he truly felt about her could be wrong but it sounds like it as he sounds young and a tad shallow like I said live and learn I guess..

 

Interesting point.

 

I do think a lot of people who are shallow tend to be more concerned in general with how they appear to other people and what other people think of their SO (among other things) than folks who aren't shallow. As you said though, when you're a teen for example, the peer pressure and keeping up with friends and relying heavily on friends' opinions is normal but as an adult that shouldn't be the case.

  • Like 3
Posted
I mean we all want a perfect 10, but most of us know it's not attainable. So we do the best that we can and we settle for "good enough."

 

The reason I bring this up is because my ex and I broke up after 7 months because of superficial reasons. I was attracted to her but I was selfish and felt I could do better and wanted to date other girls. Over the past few months, I started to miss her more and more and realized that the single life of hooking up was leaving me unfulfilled. I had a desire for long-term true happiness, not temporary bouts of pleasure. I guess you can say I had an epiphany of sorts and realized what was really important in life and that looks will always fade. I look back on our relationship and remembered how great of a catch she was and most importantly she loved me, even though I never said it back. I guess I never really appreciated her. She would do the sweetest things for me and I loved her personality. I'm just confused whether I miss her because she really was a great catch and I made a mistake, or if it's just because I am lonely and want to settle down. Would you rather settle down with someone you're moderately attracted to physically, but with an awesome personality, or just hold out for someone that knocks your socks off in addition to having an awesome personality? I'm in my mid 30's and want to start a family soon so I feel as though I don't have much time.

 

Here's a couple of links to videos on the TODAY show about how it's sometimes okay to settle for Mr. Good Enough and the defining what is really "settling" vs. compromising.

 

Personally, I feel that women do find certain men attractive, however, they seem compelled to think, "Could I find someone taller than this guy?" or "Sure, this guy is great, he's cute, but he could have a full head of hair." Things like that. People seem to always seek the bigger better deal.

 

 

Forget Mr. Right ? settle for Mr. Good Enough - today > books - Relationships - TODAY.com

 

Why it?s OK to settle for Mr. Good Enough - today > health - today > health > relationships - TODAY.com

Posted

I never settle!

 

The men I go for, I have so much passion for and to ME, they are the best site for my eyes even though I realise that are not model material or even "hot".

 

I go for men I am attracted to; I couldn't care less if they are "hot" by societies standards, if they have straight teeth or if they work out at the gym.

 

A few months ago I met a guy who I instantly felt sparks with; he was fat, bald and what society wouldn't deem as hot; however, to ME he was gorgeous, I instantly felt attracted to him based on the look in his eyes and there was just something about him!

 

When I select a partner, I never feel like I have settled in the looks department because I am into them and to me they are all I crave for - I never think " oh, their smile is crooked, I wish I could wave a magic wand and change that"

Posted
I never settle!

 

The men I go for, I have so much passion for and to ME, they are the best site for my eyes even though I realise that are not model material or even "hot".

 

I go for men I am attracted to; I couldn't care less if they are "hot" by societies standards, if they have straight teeth or if they work out at the gym.

 

A few months ago I met a guy who I instantly felt sparks with; he was fat, bald and what society wouldn't deem as hot; however, to ME he was gorgeous, I instantly felt attracted to him based on the look in his eyes and there was just something about him!

 

When I select a partner, I never feel like I have settled in the looks department because I am into them and to me they are all I crave for - I never think " oh, their smile is crooked, I wish I could wave a magic wand and change that"

 

Right. You don't settle and neither should OP and I don't either. But this is a different situation.

 

People seem to operate under this false dichotomy: either you're settling for someone patently unattractive to you, who you can barely stand having sex with, or you literally score the hottest human on planet Earth of your preferred gender!

  • Like 5
Posted

So, I guess a woman has to be worth alot in the looks, personality, boobs, brains department to get a man to settle with her. Because in all reality, there is alot of competition going on. From what I've seen there is always going to be a fresh breed of hot 21 year olds.

Posted
So, I guess a woman has to be worth alot in the looks, personality, boobs, brains department to get a man to settle with her. Because in all reality, there is alot of competition going on. From what I've seen there is always going to be a fresh breed of hot 21 year olds.

 

The vast majority of men are not like that, and you don't want the ones who are.

  • Like 2
Posted
So, I guess a woman has to be worth alot in the looks, personality, boobs, brains department to get a man to settle with her. Because in all reality, there is alot of competition going on. From what I've seen there is always going to be a fresh breed of hot 21 year olds.

 

 

Seriously what is up with you?

 

Just because no one wants to go on second dates with you that doesn't mean other average looking have share your problem...

 

I am not model material yet I have plenty of guys attracted to me - it is about my personality and the way that I dress ( I take pride in my appearance and have good fashion sense).

 

It is not that hard - you do not need to be classically beautiful in order for men.. SOME men, to find you a beauty.

  • Like 1
Posted
Seriously what is up with you?

 

Just because no one wants to go on second dates with you that doesn't mean other average looking have share your problem...

 

I am not model material yet I have plenty of guys attracted to me - it is about my personality and the way that I dress ( I take pride in my appearance and have good fashion sense).

 

It is not that hard - you do not need to be classically beautiful in order for men.. SOME men, to find you a beauty.

 

99% sure you misread

  • Like 1
Posted
Right. You don't settle and neither should OP and I don't either. But this is a different situation.

 

People seem to operate under this false dichotomy: either you're settling for someone patently unattractive to you, who you can barely stand having sex with, or you literally score the hottest human on planet Earth of your preferred gender!

 

Haha IKR. I still think it's a dysphoria issue for a lot of people, self-inflicted by not keeping their expectations in check over time. They basically absorb that false dichtotomy as an inner 'truth' and hence the dysphoria.

 

I also wonder about some people's capacity/capability to genuinely bond with others. Not in a judging why by default across the board, since for some they have deeply rooted intimacy phobias and such, not like every one of them is a psychopath or something.

 

But I have experienced it myself twice, becoming extremely attracted to a guy as though he were a "10" even though before I got to know him they would have been around "5"/"6" in my perception. I can't even fully articulate what exactly happened but as the bond grew they became exceptionally attractive to me.

 

So when someone bails on a LTR still considering the person a "5" and such and then reflects that at least the personality was good even if they weren't super attractive, my brain just arcs a brow.

Posted

I never settled, but what I think is a 10 isn't what most other people do and it's not all about just looks.

  • Like 2
Posted

Personally, I feel that women do find certain men attractive, however, they seem compelled to think, "Could I find someone taller than this guy?" or "Sure, this guy is great, he's cute, but he could have a full head of hair." Things like that.

Really? Women are compelled to think those things? :confused: Hm. We're not, really. Sure there are superficial people in the world, a whole lot of them. A man is the one who started this thread though.
  • Like 2
Posted

You're having a pretty common guy problem...she fits the bill in terms of personality, the way she treats you, loves you, cares about you and everything else is good...BUT...she's overweight and/or she's not that attractive, or she's just not someone that is generally your "type" that you would NOT have necessarily chosen out of a line-up of women based on looks, and she's definitely not your vision of a "10".

 

Now, people may tell you it's because you have unrealistic expectations, but it's more likely you have unrealistic options. Because there are plenty of attractive women out there that fit what are supposed to be "unrealistic expectations"...they're very realistic....assuming you have the options, so my assumption is you're one of the many guys who simply can't date those kind of women.

 

The majority of guys cannot get the kind of women they see walking down the street that make the other guys head turn at the same time...they don't have the looks, height, swagger, charm, wit, intellect or a combination of in order to swoon someone that's considerably out of their league or even in it...so like most guys, with limited options, they date a "watered-down" version of their ideal if possible, or the girl that was actually available and gave them attention.

 

Not saying that you're at the bottom of the ladder there, but the less options a guy has...realistically, he's not going to have sky-high options in who he will date or have a relationship with...beggars can't be choosers.

 

Men who do have moderate options, well they can at least be somewhat selective and particular about who they date but still again, have "unrealistic options". They can achieve someone who they feel pretty strongly about attraction wise, but unfortunately for men that standard doesn't all fall on so much personality as it does looks...its look first and then the personality as the cherry on top.

 

You never hear other guys tell other guys "Wow...that girl looks amazing, but damn, that other girl over there...her personality is so incredible, let's just forget about the amazing looking girl". Nor would a guy ever critique another guy based on how great of a personality his GF has, but he'll be impressed if she's quite good looking...everybody gets that, both female and male.

 

A lot of women also have pretty high-standards, assuming however they can actually have successful long-term relationships with them rather than FWB or casual sex. But once they do, you can be your @ss they pull out all the tools and tricks on hitching that guy. They see that guy as desirable because they know a lot of women would find that man desirable..of course you have the other women who will claim they aren't interested, but don't be surprised if they're just secretly bitter or jealous over it. I'm just saying, I know people who cherished something, not because it was the best, but because they couldn't admit to themselves it wasn't, so therefore it had to be.

 

However, you couldn't ever admit this to your partner...this is relationship suicide, so if you want to be with this person in the future, be careful what you say, because chances are if you are with them, they are probably within your realistic options category. And now that you are lonely, reminiscing over the past, and falling in love with an idea and fantasy all over again because you're feeling a bit vulnerable and not getting all your needs met..now you're thinking about going backwards...but you feel the same way about her deep inside, I know you do.

 

So I don't really buy into you wanting to be less superficial, because honestly everyone is superficial they just have different ways of painting that picture. You're going to be that way, and it's normal....I've talked to a lot of guys about relationships, it is normal but they can't and won't come out and say it to you...it would be a stupid mistake. This whole "she's my perfect 10"...use your own damn head, you think that guy really thinks objectively is a "10"? come on, guys are supposed to say certain things...yes the guy could be in love with her and yes he could think she's beautiful and think shes really amazing, but comparatively come on, he still has eyes and we're all going to get older...we're not going to be the most beautiful physical beings forever and that's not really the point anyway, it's part of that acceptance and understanding that move beyond that.

Posted
You're having a pretty common guy problem...she fits the bill in terms of personality, the way she treats you, loves you, cares about you and everything else is good...BUT...she's overweight and/or she's not that attractive, or she's just not someone that is generally your "type" that you would NOT have necessarily chosen out of a line-up of women based on looks, and she's definitely not your vision of a "10".

 

But this isn't what OP said. He said "The reason I bring this up is because my ex and I broke up after 7 months because of superficial reasons. I was attracted to her but I was selfish and felt I could do better and wanted to date other girls." Nothing about her being overweight or him unhappy with some aspect of her appearance. Just a general "eeeh, I could get hotter!"

 

Now, people may tell you it's because you have unrealistic expectations, but it's more likely you have unrealistic options. Because there are plenty of attractive women out there that fit what are supposed to be "unrealistic expectations"...they're very realistic....assuming you have the options, so my assumption is you're one of the many guys who simply can't date those kind of women.

 

The majority of guys cannot get the kind of women they see walking down the street that make the other guys head turn at the same time...they don't have the looks, height, swagger, charm, wit, intellect or a combination of in order to swoon someone that's considerably out of their league or even in it...so like most guys, with limited options, they date a "watered-down" version of their ideal if possible, or the girl that was actually available and gave them attention.

 

You are one of those men who really believe that most guys don't really love their average-looking wives, and if a model offered herself to him seriously he would dump his wife in a heartbeat, aren't you?

 

Not saying that you're at the bottom of the ladder there, but the less options a guy has...realistically, he's not going to have sky-high options in who he will date or have a relationship with...beggars can't be choosers.

 

Men who do have moderate options, well they can at least be somewhat selective and particular about who they date but still again, have "unrealistic options". They can achieve someone who they feel pretty strongly about attraction wise, but unfortunately for men that standard doesn't all fall on so much personality as it does looks...its look first and then the personality as the cherry on top.

 

We aren't talking about just sex here, but someone as a long-term, compatible partner. Are you really saying that looks trumps everything, and her personality is merely a cherry on the top? Cherries are optional in nature, so what you're saying is most men really don't care WHO their wives really are, as long as she's the hottest girl he can ever get?

 

You never hear other guys tell other guys "Wow...that girl looks amazing, but damn, that other girl over there...her personality is so incredible, let's just forget about the amazing looking girl". Nor would a guy ever critique another guy based on how great of a personality his GF has, but he'll be impressed if she's quite good looking...everybody gets that, both female and male.

 

I guess I must hang with a weird crowd, because I've heard men tell their male friends how damn lucky they are to have certain women as wives and girlfriends, and I assure you, none of these women were conventionally hot. They were, however, amazing people who made their men VERY happy.

 

A lot of women also have pretty high-standards, assuming however they can actually have successful long-term relationships with them rather than FWB or casual sex. But once they do, you can be your @ss they pull out all the tools and tricks on hitching that guy. They see that guy as desirable because they know a lot of women would find that man desirable..of course you have the other women who will claim they aren't interested, but don't be surprised if they're just secretly bitter or jealous over it. I'm just saying, I know people who cherished something, not because it was the best, but because they couldn't admit to themselves it wasn't, so therefore it had to be.

 

So you "know" they didn't REALLY cherish their SOs, they were only deluding themselves??

 

However, you couldn't ever admit this to your partner...this is relationship suicide, so if you want to be with this person in the future, be careful what you say, because chances are if you are with them, they are probably within your realistic options category.

 

I'm just going to go on record saying that if any man who claims to adore me really feels this way about me, by all means, please pull that trigger and tell me. I want a man who loves me truly and deeply, little old flawed me.

 

And now that you are lonely, reminiscing over the past, and falling in love with an idea and fantasy all over again because you're feeling a bit vulnerable and not getting all your needs met..now you're thinking about going backwards...but you feel the same way about her deep inside, I know you do.

 

This could very well be true. I don't recommend OP going back to her. Her heart was probably broken pretty badly.

 

So I don't really buy into you wanting to be less superficial, because honestly everyone is superficial they just have different ways of painting that picture. You're going to be that way, and it's normal....I've talked to a lot of guys about relationships, it is normal but they can't and won't come out and say it to you...it would be a stupid mistake. This whole "she's my perfect 10"...use your own damn head, you think that guy really thinks objectively is a "10"? come on, guys are supposed to say certain things...yes the guy could be in love with her and yes he could think she's beautiful and think shes really amazing, but comparatively come on, he still has eyes and we're all going to get older...we're not going to be the most beautiful physical beings forever and that's not really the point anyway, it's part of that acceptance and understanding that move beyond that.

 

I never argued that he should see his GF as an objective perfect 10. The underlined portion is what is important. Constantly thinking you can do better, dumping a beautiful amazing woman who loves you because she doesn't match some ridiculous standard in your head or approved by society or your friends, will leave you miserable and alone.

 

This is a really sad point of view to me. Responses in bold.

  • Like 2
Posted

Almost everybody is a perfect 10 when they leave their hairdresser's shop. And a single blow of the wind can ruin it.

 

I can't say I'm all in for looks. You have to groom yourself. The rest just has to "match". And you mustn't be bony or obese. Other than that, surprise me.

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