Date and talking to multiple girls

[Heisenberger]

Evening all!

 

Just looking for some tips and pointers on taking and dating multiple girls at the same time. It's getting hard keeping on top of it!

 

I'm by no means playing women and I'm genuinely look for a partner. I've spent too much time investing in one girl a few times before and just ended up getting depressed when things didn't work out.

 

How do I find a balance between showing someone the right amount of attention while keeping my options open, without coming across like a player?

 

Cheers guys. Both male and female oppinions apreciated

[Frivolous]

Evening all!

 

Just looking for some tips and pointers on taking and dating multiple girls at the same time. It's getting hard keeping on top of it!

 

I'm by no means playing women and I'm genuinely look for a partner. I've spent too much time investing in one girl a few times before and just ended up getting depressed when things didn't work out.

 

How do I find a balance between showing someone the right amount of attention while keeping my options open, without coming across like a player?

 

Cheers guys. Both male and female oppinions apreciated

 

Asking this question means you are already playing a girl my friend. It only takes one or 2 dates to establish if there is something worth pursuing so any more is just playing. You are asking this because guilt has crept in and you are trying to justify your actions.

 

I know, I've done the same.

[Heisenberger]

Asking this question means you are already playing a girl my friend. It only takes one or 2 dates to establish if there is something worth pursuing so any more is just playing. You are asking this because guilt has crept in and you are trying to justify your actions.

 

I know, I've done the same.

 

Not at all, I'm still on first dates with these girls. Like I said in my thread, not playing and want to show these women respect. I think you've missd my point dude. I'm actually a little insulted by that, there's no guilt here bro

[Popsicle]

For me I get exhausted quickly so can only talk to one man at a time. I am not good at juggling. I only have room for one. And yes that makes it more risky but so what?

Edited January 4, 2015 by Popsicle

[Heisenberger]

For me I get exhausted quickly so can only talk to one man at a time. I am not good at juggling. I only have room for one. And yes that makes it more risky but so what?

 

That's how id like to do it, but it's easy to get hurt. Plus I lost any hope doing that way of things didn't work out, it was harder to dust myself off

[mysteryscape]

How do I find a balance between showing someone the right amount of attention while keeping my options open, without coming across like a player?

 

 

 

From this male's point of view, you can't -- you're trying have your cake and eat it too.

 

But if you want to try, just be upfront and tell them what you're doing, and see how they respond. In fact tell them exactly what you said above.

 

Just be ready for them to (1) maybe not be so happy with your plan and (2) if they do go with it, expect the same from them.

 

If the idea of telling them makes you uneasy, that should speak volumes to you.

[mysteryscape]

That's how id like to do it, but it's easy to get hurt. Plus I lost any hope doing that way of things didn't work out, it was harder to dust myself off

 

In my experience, juggling multiple doesn't really help when you really like one of them and get hurt. It just leaves a person feeling dazed while having the burden of leading the others on, or just dropping everyone.

[Frivolous]

Not at all, I'm still on first dates with these girls. Like I said in my thread, not playing and want to show these women respect. I think you've missd my point dude. I'm actually a little insulted by that, there's no guilt here bro

 

No need to feel offended, I'm not saying you're doing it intentionally. Of course it's okay for people to date more than one person at a time. My point is if you think of it logically, it should only take a couple dates to decide which girl you like more. If you are still dating both girls after a few dates with each then that's naturally disrespectful. It may not be guilt but IMO this question only arises from feeling some sort of discomfort with the situation.

 

So in response to you thread I would suggest you can show respect to these women by considering the number of dates you go on to decide which ONE you want to pursue.

[Heisenberger]

That's all pretty sound advice. Thank you. I'm just getting tired of getting hurt and thought I should play the field more. The main reason I ask is you don't really speak of exclusivity for a good month or two, I just don't want to waste emotion and time

Edited January 4, 2015 by Heisenberger

[mysteryscape]

That's all pretty sound advice. Thank you. I'm just getting tired of getting hurt and thought I should play the field more. The main reason I ask is you don't really speak of exclusivity for a good month or two, I just don't want to waste emotion and time

 

I just don't think that "playing the field" really eases the pain that much, and it has a lot of potential to cause more pain and/or anger. Especially if you're not completely upfront about it -- that's the only way I can see it.

 

And there is no set length of time before which one "speaks of exclusivity."

 

And, there are ways to broach the topic that are more indirect -- like talking from the beginning about whether each of you is more comfortable dating multiple people or just one at a time. That way, it doesn't come in a context of making some supposedly big decision about each other.

 

Personally, I have had a conversation about exclusivity, then gotten dumped the next week! It sucked.

[shet]

This is actually bothering me right now for the first time in my life - for some reason in the last month I've started actually having success at meeting a number of women, one way or the other, who want to date, for the first time ever. Some via... won't call it OLD, but online, yes. Some IRL. Which is great and makes me feel desirable for pretty much the first time ever.

 

Problem is there's one woman, a friend of some 6 months, who I really like, who I am seeing every week now, but I'm still not sure how she feels about me. We haven't been intimate in any way. Even so, it feels really wrong to meet these other women, at least until I know how she feels. But I can't just stick these others on ice, they're all great women, I'm attracted to them and they deserve more respect than me saying something like "So can you please wait while I find out if this woman I'm seeing right now actually fancies me".

 

I don't have the time in my life to see more than the one, so I can't even just keep quiet and multi-date even if I was OK with that, which I'm not. So I have to tell these other women the story for them to consider, and some really are OK waiting, and some feel let down, and some go into girl friend mode and start giving advice about it and asking for updates later, bless them.

 

I feel bad, but am I really supposed to just not talk to any other women anywhere because this one, who I don't even know if she's into me, is hanging out a lot? I begin to understand why people become up front and no-nonsense about the whole thing as they get older - because anything else just trips you up and becomes a mess. I could be dating more women right now than in the last decade combined if it weren't for one opaque girl and my conservative nature.

[Jules Dash]

What is the first, second and third rule of being a player?

 

1. Deny

2. Deny

3. Deny

 

 

As long as you are not denying that you are seeing other women when a woman ask you are you dating other women, you should not feel bad about dating multiple women. Once you start denying, you are officially a player.

 

The fourth rule is that you can't have a conscious when dealing with your dates. It sounds like you have one so you are good here.

 

It is all about time management. Avoid burn out. Don't stack too many dates close to each other and don't be afraid to decline dates and spread them out a bit but not too far apart that someone lose interest. Think of the 3 or 4 you like best and let all the other ones go. I see no benefit of dating more than 3 - 4 at a time, especially since it can be very expensive and it will be hard to keep everyone satisfied above these numbers.

 

Don't offer up how many other women you are dating. If someone ask if you are dating anyone else, simply tell them "yes" and provide no further detail. I would absolutely avoid conversations about sex with other women (use protection always).

Once you first tell a woman that you are dating someone else, the conversation will usually end there because the woman will likely be dating someone else too if you met her online. You can ask her and she will likely be just as vague as you are. This will be this until someone really starts to fall for you. Once someone starts to fall for you, they will start hinting more at an exclusive relationship. You will have to make a choice at that point. Is it worth letting her go and continuing multi dating or going exclusive?

 

You just have to work hard at showing everyone a decent amount of attention. Even though you are multi-dating, you have to work hard at spreading attention equally. Treat everyone very well. Be a gentleman. Once you start to let yourself slip on one, you will get a bit sloppy all over.

 

You have absolutely have to be willing to sacrifice some sleep. Are you ok with going to sleep at 2 am and getting up at 6 am to go to work? You have to be.

Edited January 5, 2015 by Jules Dash

[thecrucible]

Hey I totally know how you feel. I also get absolutely emotionally bummed if I'm only seeing one guy at a time and it doesn't work out. But at the same time, I don't want to prevent myself from connecting to something real by spreading myself too thin; or leading guys on. It's a real dilemma.

 

 

I definitely think though that not everyone is cut out for multi dating. And if you aren't then that's okay.

 

 

I'm actually still trying to figure this out for myself. I've made some dramatic mistakes with this. But so far I've worked out this for myself:

 

 

* If we haven't been on many dates, I don't see the point in mentioning that I'm going on dates with other guys, not when we haven't reached the third date yet or even kissed. If I announce this to a guy I've just starting dating, he'll probably think I'm full of myself.

* At some point I'll realise whether I want to take it further, or the guy will fade out due to lack of interest. In my experience, a lot of dates have drifted away after the second or third meeting so whether we are seeing other people has never been openly discussed.

* If it becomes apparent that the guy is beginning to like me though and we might have kissed, I'll have to then lay my cards on the table and we'll take it from there.

* If the guy asks me a direct question about whether I'm seeing others, I won't lie. I just couldn't bring myself to do that.

* I try and go on only one date a week, if that. If I'm feeling iffy before we've even met, I'll tell the guy I'd like to get to talk to him for a bit longer so I feel more comfortable.

* I've put in my profile that I treat first dates more as 'first meets' (since it's effectively a blind meeting). I don't want to say I treat it as a casual thing but I've hinted that I like to take my time getting to know the guy.

 

 

You might want to ignore that since I literally have the same problem as you...heh maybe it's trial and error and it's just a matter of figuring out what works for you as an individual?

 

 

I think I would feel burned out if concentrating on too many at once (if I was so lucky lol), but maybe even if you are not meeting all of them, you can keep talking to them online so you keep their interest before asking for a full on meeting. I know some people think that you're making someone a back-up that way but I think that online dating is different and you can't read too much into it. Sometimes it's just a matter of timing.

 

 

I think it's good to keep a courtship up to 3 weeks of not feeling sure before you decide whether to bail (what does everyone else think?). One of the main ways in which I get emotionally drained is when I keep hanging around a guy I'm not sure about for too long hoping that it'll evolve into me liking him; whilst feeling kind of guilty. I hate online dating sometimes because it builds up expectations more than in real life.

[mysteryscape]

I feel bad, but am I really supposed to just not talk to any other women anywhere because this one, who I don't even know if she's into me, is hanging out a lot? I begin to understand why people become up front and no-nonsense about the whole thing as they get older - because anything else just trips you up and becomes a mess. I could be dating more women right now than in the last decade combined if it weren't for one opaque girl and my conservative nature.

 

You can talk to them but think of them and treat them as "friends." Anything else and you're going to get into a mess with someone -- including possibly "number 1."

 

How long have you been seing number 1? Six months? That is long enough to talk to her about how she feels. Even a lot less would be plenty long. Why not ask her? Or make a move on her and find out that way? Then talk to her.

 

It seems to me communication and honesty go a long way toward resolving some of these difficult but very human interactions.

 

And you can even remember to try to apply the golden rule!

 

I was just talking with a young woman tonight about how horribly callous romantic relationships have become.

[mysteryscape]

 

* If we haven't been on many dates, I don't see the point in mentioning that I'm going on dates with other guys, not when we haven't reached the third date yet or even kissed. If I announce this to a guy I've just starting dating,

 

* If it becomes apparent that the guy is beginning to like me though and we might have kissed, I'll have to then lay my cards on the table and we'll take it from there.

 

 

Re the first point above, if it's no big deal why not just tell them? At least, by the end of the first real date or no later than the beginning of the second.

 

Re the second point: some guys in that position would be really put off by that. I can tell you a lot of women, too. Why not just be upfront about it ahead of time?

 

The way people do OLD, there is so much suspicion and also just treating people terribly. I know this not only from myself but from talking with women who have been badly burned and refuse to have anything more to do with it.

[mariekatie]

Evening all!

 

Just looking for some tips and pointers on taking and dating multiple girls at the same time. It's getting hard keeping on top of it!

 

I'm by no means playing women and I'm genuinely look for a partner. I've spent too much time investing in one girl a few times before and just ended up getting depressed when things didn't work out.

 

How do I find a balance between showing someone the right amount of attention while keeping my options open, without coming across like a player?

 

Cheers guys. Both male and female oppinions apreciated

 

I don't know about others but i'm the type who rather get hurt than hurt someone else. It's hard for me to reject someone. I'm not a fan of dating multiple guys. But maybe it's because i'm a female so i have a better advantage in dating :/

 

What i did at first was talking to many people but as friends. Honestly I'm really bad at dating. I was so straightforward and it scares many guys off. If a guy get too flirty, i tell him to stop (especially when we barely knew each other). I feel that you shouldn't tell them too much about yourself if you don't want to give them false hope because it might give them the impression that you're really into them by sharing personal stuffs.

 

My advice is follow your heart. If you don't feel comfortable with multi-dating then don't. I'm afraid of rejection as well & have been through quite a few but that doesn't makes me want to multi-date. I can only focus on one. I would be really hurt if a guy is multi-dating me

[shet]

You can talk to them but think of them and treat them as "friends." Anything else and you're going to get into a mess with someone -- including possibly "number 1."

 

How long have you been seing number 1? Six months? That is long enough to talk to her about how she feels. Even a lot less would be plenty long. Why not ask her? Or make a move on her and find out that way? Then talk to her.

 

It seems to me communication and honesty go a long way toward resolving some of these difficult but very human interactions.

 

And you can even remember to try to apply the golden rule!

 

I was just talking with a young woman tonight about how horribly callous romantic relationships have become.

 

We've been friends 6 months. Only for the last month has it escalated. I spent most of the holiday period with her, we went to parties together and only family obligations kept us apart on Xmas day, we were together before and after. She invites me round for increasingly less excuse; she's sick, come watch films; come sing while she plays guitar - yesterday she wanted me to come and stargaze with her for the meteor shower, though I couldn't (work). We're dancing this weekend, and she's my +1 to a wedding the following weekend, and the weekend after we do Burns Night, and one after that we're running a race and throwing her housewarming.

 

I've made subtle moves and she hasn't responded... maybe too subtle. Her friendship is important, she enables a lifestyle I couldn't otherwise lead that I'm enjoying a lot, it's a big change, and I'm reluctant to possibly **** it up. Until now I've been happy to let it play out but you're right - I need to talk directly about it. Like you say, communication, honesty and the golden rule.

[Country_Girl]

I'm a female and I see no problem with what you are doing, I don't think u are a player, if you were you wouldn't even be asking for advice on how to show respect.

 

I recently started multi-dating. This I have realized works best for me, as I'm not just focused on one person- because in the past I went for the first person that "bit". Not the better partner. Multi dating is good, because it helps u determine what you want/need- not just going with the first person that shows interest.

 

Just go on dates, a few of them- just don't sleep with them, women bond after sex quite easily. See who you have the most connection/chemistry with.

 

There's nothing wrong with multi-dating, just know when it isn't working to cut the chord.

[Heisenberger]

We've been friends 6 months. Only for the last month has it escalated. I spent most of the holiday period with her, we went to parties together and only family obligations kept us apart on Xmas day, we were together before and after. She invites me round for increasingly less excuse; she's sick, come watch films; come sing while she plays guitar - yesterday she wanted me to come and stargaze with her for the meteor shower, though I couldn't (work). We're dancing this weekend, and she's my +1 to a wedding the following weekend, and the weekend after we do Burns Night, and one after that we're running a race and throwing her housewarming.

 

I've made subtle moves and she hasn't responded... maybe too subtle. Her friendship is important, she enables a lifestyle I couldn't otherwise lead that I'm enjoying a lot, it's a big change, and I'm reluctant to possibly **** it up. Until now I've been happy to let it play out but you're right - I need to talk directly about it. Like you say, communication, honesty and the golden rule.

 

Sounds like it's about time to lay your cards on the table dude. If she feels the same (sounds like she does) then great. If not at least you know where you stand and no longer chasing your tail. Good luck brother

[Heisenberger]

I'm a female and I see no problem with what you are doing, I don't think u are a player, if you were you wouldn't even be asking for advice on how to show respect.

 

I recently started multi-dating. This I have realized works best for me, as I'm not just focused on one person- because in the past I went for the first person that "bit". Not the better partner. Multi dating is good, because it helps u determine what you want/need- not just going with the first person that shows interest.

 

Just go on dates, a few of them- just don't sleep with them, women bond after sex quite easily. See who you have the most connection/chemistry with.

 

There's nothing wrong with multi-dating, just know when it isn't working to cut the chord.

 

It's funny you say that, I don't think it's just women that bond after sex, I do too. I don't sleep with women on the first date anymore for this reason. I'm leaving it to 3-5 dates. I had broken this rule with the last girl I was dating, got sucked in and all she wanted was sex. This time in sticking to my rules as I don't want to keep repeating the same mistakes.

[Pinkdisney]

I've been off OLD for awhile now but have a friend who is now getting played by a guy she's seen for close to 2 months. He just went silent and I am feeling bad for her. My own personal rule was to stop multi-dating when it got to the 4th date and there was interest. There are SO many men (and women) who fall into the next best thing trap and it's not giving a real relationship a time to develop if you're dating 3 other people at the same time.

[Gottabestrong]

My advice is the following: try to figure out whether you want to date someone exclusively within a few dates, until you do, feel free to go on first or second dates with others, but don't kiss or make out with anyone if you don't want them to feel led on/hurt.

 

I've done that in the past whenever I was single and it worked well for me. I went on a few first dates with guys I was interested in, most did not make it to a 2nd date (sometimes they were not interested, sometimes it was me), a few did, usually after the 2nd date I knew if I was interested in more, if not I told them, if I was, I stopped seeing others.

 

But I think it would be okay to go on up to three dates to get a better feel for them (especially if date one is a quick coffee, which it usually is for me). Just don't get physical with anyone unless you are both absolutely clear that this does not necessary mean that you are exclusive or want a relationship.

 

Good luck and I hope you find your match soon!

[thecrucible]

Re the first point above, if it's no big deal why not just tell them? At least, by the end of the first real date or no later than the beginning of the second.

 

Re the second point: some guys in that position would be really put off by that. I can tell you a lot of women, too. Why not just be upfront about it ahead of time?

 

The way people do OLD, there is so much suspicion and also just treating people terribly. I know this not only from myself but from talking with women who have been badly burned and refuse to have anything more to do with it.

 

What I mean is that if I've got into a position where we are kissing passionately and there is clearly some romance, the fact I'm into them will be self-evident and it will naturally allow other encounters to fall by the wayside. i.e. if I've kissed a guy, it means I really like him enough to see how things go with him.

 

 

But I'll be honest, if I've gone on only one date with someone, and another time I might meet someone nice on a night out (and they absolutely won't meet each other), I might have a kiss as I am still a single girl. For instance, I went on a blind date a few weeks ago/there's also a guy I know IRL and we kissed a bit on NYE night but nothing more than that.

Edited January 7, 2015 by thecrucible