Ex wants to get back together even though we ended a year and a half ago

[Summer Lovin]

My ex boyfriend and I are in our late 20s now, and we broke up going on a year and a half ago now. We were together for nearly three years and had a few bumps. We also were in long distance for part of our relationship, which he struggled with. He had a hard time feeling committed to me during it. I relocated away from my family to be with him, moved in with him and got a car, to end the long distance relationship. After three months, he essentially kicked me out and dumped me. I was a bit strapped, but ended up finding a really great job in a city nearby. He said he was having trouble factoring me into his life. I was devastated and basically had to restart my life, but have moved forward and gone along my life without factoring him into it. I don't consider him a part of my life anymore and have built a life for myself, but I'm still far away from family. For the past 6-months he has been wanting to meet up and has told me he still loves me and wants to get back together. I have not wanted to meet up with him and told him that it's not a good idea. He then acts like I am the one that dumped him and acts very hurt. He randomly sent chocolates to my workplace for Christmas. Most of my friends have moved forward with someone at this point. I'm so ready to get married and think about starting my own family, but it seems so far away for me. I haven't even had a stable relationship yet, and I feel embarrassed about it. I want to move forward in life, work towards something, as I'm not getting any younger.

 

I feel confused because I do still have some feelings for him, but also feel lonely at times out here. I've also thought about relocating closer to my family again. My ex said that he has decided he wants me and wants to try it again, but at this point, he's very removed from my life. I don't even have time for him anymore, and while I still live in the same state as him, I'm in a completely different city. He said if I don't want to try it again, we'll just both move on.

 

Advice on what to do?

[Ieris]

The way you dumped you and kicked you out is shocking, I wouldn't even reply to him. If he can do that to you once, then he could very likely do that to you again. You have moved on and he is no longer a part of your life, why let someone like that back in?

 

I say leave him in the past, just because all your friends are settling down, don't let that pressure you into settling for someone less than you deserve.

[FancyFace]

First mistake was keeping contact with someone who, by your own words: struggled to be committed to you, then kicked you out and dumped you like yesterdays trash. Now he says he has taken an executive decision that he wants you in his life? Say what now? This guy is an absolute joker who is chancing his arm with you after the deplorable way he treated you. You are worth more and you deserve better.

 

You should never be in a relationship just because you are lonely or of a certain age. That is just a recipe for disaster because essentially what you are doing is making huge decisions from a place of desperation rather than healthy self love. All that will do is cause you pain, especially of you settling for a guy who probably only came back becaause whatever he was chasing out there didnt work out.

 

Focus on the wonderful life that you are building for yourself. Your career, your friends and family, you self love, self respect etc. By you focusing on this man, what you are doing is blocking any real man with proper intentions entering your life.

 

Ignore the ex, go no contact with him and move on with your life.

 

Sending you Love and Light.

[erklat]

From the other side, you say he is more or less committed to chasing

you over the past six months ?

 

Just sayin', that is the way reconciliation is being done.

 

Give some thought if you love him or you are scared that you will stay.

Edited January 4, 2015 by erklat

[Summer Lovin]

I think part of it is that I just really don't like being alone. I feel very alone and seek companionship. I stayed in my past two relationships probably longer than I should have because I didn't like being alone. I'm not the type that likes to go out and party but much prefer a quiet night in with a significant other. I feel ready to build a life with another person, and with being so far away from family, I feel even more lonely. I have friendships, but friendships are different than having an intimate relationship with someone.

 

Yes, I do still love my ex, and I'm sure that I'll always care for him to some extent. However, I just feel like it's too late for us. At this point we don't even live in the same city. We both work full-time and trying to coordinate our lives to be working towards the same direction seems much harder than it would've been when I moved to be with him. I truly felt very close to him at one time, and like he was like family to me, so I was incredibly hurt when we didn't work out initially. His argument is that he wasn't as established in his career and now he feels that he is more stable and has more time to balance me in. I, on the other hand, feel that I have built this life that he hasn't been a part of. It would be trying to visit each other on weekends, fit each other into our separate busy lives, one of us would have to move, etc. There hasn't been a "we." He also says that he feels ready to get married and settle now, as he never envisioned being 30 and not married. He tells me now that he would be willing to visit me and make it work, as he knows that I am who he wants. I do know that he did date other women after I left his place.

 

Some people make building a life with someone and finding a partner look so easy, but I've really struggled. I have been single for the past year and a half and can live on my own and support myself, but it isn't as fulfilling as being with someone.

[Marco Valerio]

If you've moved on and feel he's not part of your life anymore, I would start fresh with someone else. It will take a lot of effort to re-start with him, also trusting someone who dumped you out of the blue takes quite a time.

[Summer Lovin]

Yes I agree. I think if I were with someone else it would be easier to cut off all contact but when I feel lonely, I start to miss him. I feel that he and I have grown in different directions. I had moved there to start that life with him and he decided it wasn't what he wanted. Now he all of sudden thinks it is and acts as though I am the one that dumped him.

[Summerrose2013]

My ex of around 9 months ago who dumped me by TEXT and refused to talk about it (was a sort of LDR, but only 2.5 hours drive) has recently been playing the same tricks on me. It really messes with your head. He would leave presents for me if he was working nearby (wouldnt bother to come and see me - he said he was scared that I didn't want to see him), then I got an expensive presnet for my birthday and a few weeks ago he came to see me, told me he'd make a big mistake. However, he didn't offer to make any changes to the way things had been before, everything is always on HIS terms, and to meet HIS needs, AND I've spent the last few months truely moving on and I had to tell him that I can't trust him anymore, and won't give him a second chance to hurt me the way he did.

He still comes by to fix stuff for me (men are weird, what it is about them and fixing things??) but I'm sure this will come to an abrupt end as soon as I tell him I'm seeing someone else....when that happy time comes along for me, which I am sure it will.

 

My advice to you is to move back to be with your family NOW before you make even more ties where you are. I moved far away from home and my sister followed me and I am so lucky to have her there. I miss my other family and friends so much, they are 5 hours drive away, it's awful.

 

Kick this guy back where he belongs, in your past. You are still young, you have plenty of time to find someone else, so why not make it someone back near your family where you can have the best of everything.

 

Sounds like you know this is the right decision it's only the loneliness speaking - but would having a relationship with him now be any less lonely, if you aren't in the same town still? How do you know he wouldn't do the same thing again. And it's taken him HOW LONG?! to realise he missed you - this is one the things that helped me not to feel ANY sympathy for me ex as he 'poured his heart' out to me. He wanted ME to feel sorry for him after how easily he had discarded me. Where was HE when I needed his love and support - the person who was supposed to protect me from PAIN was the one causing it.

 

We've all done what you said - stayed too long in bad relationships because of the fear of being alone - don't beat yourself up over the past, just make sure you learn from it and move forward.

 

GOOD LUCK!

[erklat]

 

Kick this guy back where he belongs, in your past. You are still young, you have plenty of time to find someone else, so why not make it someone back near your family where you can have the best of everything.

 

 

She has to learn to be self reliant. I would gladly change with you to separate myself

from my family.

[Summer Lovin]

My ex was in town so I saw him for the first time in a year and a half. I thought seeing him would provide clarity and closure, but it instead brought confusion and a lot of emotions. I will say I definitely still have feelings for him. He at first started out angry and vindictive, stating that if the meet up didn't go as planned, he had multiple things he was going to do to ensure the bridge was completely burned. He even broke a keychain and refused to get out of my car. Then he shifted and started being silly and kind to me when I started being kinder. He told me that he still loves me a lot and this isn't what he ever wanted. He said he wants to get back together, and given we live in the same state, he would come visit me every weekend if I wanted.

 

He also said that he wouldn't want to be just friends or even just friends with benefits, but he truly wants me and to be in a relationship together. He wants to work towards me moving back to where he is and be with him again. He said that if I give up this chance, then it's my loss because he doesn't think I'm going to do much better than him and no guy will put up with me and still love me like he did. He said when I was living with him before he wasn't as stable as he is now, but now he has the resources to take care of me.

 

It just concerns because when he gets angry, he gets really nasty and scares me, but when he is kind, he is very kind. Also, everything always seems to be my fault in his eyes, he kicked me out because I was terrible, he hasn't been able to move on because of me, he reached out to other women while we were together because I was mean, etc. He tells me now that when he did kick me out, it wasn't a break up, just him needing more space, but he never wanted to officially break up. He says out of all the women he has ever been with, I am the one that he connected with the best.

 

I was devastated when he first asked me to leave, and asked him to give it more time that it was just a rough transition, but he refused. This was now nearly two years ago. I built my own life and got used to life without him in it, and I really thought I was over him, but seeing him brought back some more feelings. I do still love him, but at this point, I don't see how being together would even work.

[Ducktape]

He said when I was living with him before he wasn't as stable as he is now

I wouldn't have wanted to see him when you were in a relationship then, if he calls himself "stable"

 

He's a chump, anyone who tells you you can't do better than him shouldn't even be given a chance. He acts as if you owe him something. Kick that loser to the curb and live a grand life, anyone will treat you better than this piece of meat.

[idoltree]

he essentially kicked me out and dumped me. I was a bit strapped

he feels ready to get married and settle now, as he never envisioned being 30 and not married

He at first started out angry and vindictive, stating that if the meet up didn't go as planned, he had multiple things he was going to do

He even broke a keychain and refused to get out of my car.

He said that if I give up this chance, then it's my loss because he doesn't think I'm going to do much better than him and no guy will put up with me and still love me like he did.

when he gets angry, he gets really nasty and scares me

everything always seems to be my fault in his eyes, he kicked me out because I was terrible

Oh, honey.

 

He hasn't changed and he's not going to change. The red flags are still waving in your face as evidenced by your own descriptions that I pulled from your posts.

 

He wants you back because HE WANTS you back. He is threatening you and holding you emotionally hostage, as well as insulting you and devaluing you. He has told you that he wants you back because you will be beneficial to him, because he never thought he'd be 30 and single. You are simply a tool he thinks will bring him happiness; you are not allowed to be an imperfect human being or he will abandon you, just as he did before. Except, maybe this time you'll have managed to make a baby and you'll be stuck dealing with this *ssclown for 19 more years.

 

Please leave him in your past where he belongs. I know it's scary to go forward on your own, but it's the best choice for you. The man is toxic; those lovely words he's telling you don't match his actions, and that's when you know that someone isn't being truthful. Someone who loved you wouldn't have fits of anger, and tell you that no one else will love you the way he "loves" you (thank god for that!).

 

Love is not enough. I know it hurts because you care for him, but your head needs to overrule your heart on this one. This man is not a good man, in general, but especially for you. This conditional narcissistic emotionally abusive garbage is not what love looks like. He doesn't love you, because he doesn't know what love is and he is not capable of it. He is toxic and you can do way way way waaaaaaay better.

 

Once you've found someone emotionally healthy to be with and experienced what real love looks like, you'll look back at this guy and wonder what you were thinking.

[Summer Lovin]

I'm not sure why I even still feel so much love for him. I definitely put up with a lot more from him than I would ever put up with from anyone else. I feel that I'm a strong and capable person. I guess I just never connected with anyone the way that I connected with him. When we first met, he came in and swept me off my feet and showed me his world. He was the first man that I felt that I could truly be myself with and open up to. So many things were just in sync, sense of humor, drive, interests, etc. He spent a significant amount of time with my family, and I've never met anyone else that I feel that I can open to that much.

 

That's why it was so painful for me when he first broke up due to long distance, and I let things slide and forgave him. I thought that if I relocated to be with him, things would be better. Then, the second time he broke up with me, I was crushed because not only was I heartbroken over it, but I also had no support system nearby or anywhere to go. I tried convincing him to give it more time, but merely had to swallow it and move forward, knowing that he was also dating other women too. I caught him messaging multiple women while I was there.

 

Probably a year ago, I wasn't in this content stage of my life, but I began to just accept that my life wasn't going to have him in it and started building new friendships, advancing in my job, traveling, getting involved in hobbies, etc. He would reach out to me multiple times to meet up, and I just didn't think it was a good idea. It's taken me a very long time to get over him, and I wouldn't say that I'm even completely over him now.

 

I really reached a point where I felt ready to start dating someone else, even though I haven't met anyone, but after seeing him, it has brought back some emotions. What makes it hard is that I do still care for him, and he says that if I don't give it a try again, it's me throwing him away and breaking his heart. His explanation is that he just wasn't ready before and he was irresponsibie, but he's always loved me and knows that I'm who he wants. He says the offer is there on the table and that he wants to eventually marry me and that he doesn't think any man will offer this to me again. However, he primarily blames us not working out on me. He says he just gets angry towards me because he feels hurt I don't want to be with him anymore or see him.

 

I think I'm just going to have to continue to stay strong and not give in nor plan on meeting up with him ever again, as tempting as it would be. I want to think that he's changed and we could live happily ever after, but he's demonstrated to me that wouldn't be the case. I think after a year (if even) when the initial fun wears off, it will likely result in the same behaviors. What makes this hard is that I do love him. I know that some might disagree and think I should give him another chance.

[IfiKnewThen]

he have to pull out a lot more stops for me to ever believe him again. you need proof not words anymore but he doesnt seem worth giving the chance too. he sounds narcissistic. a person who is about pleasing him and blames you. you have some good advise on here. run . and go back to your family. let him move and date u if he loves u so much. but i wouldnt go that far either.. he sounds like he really doesn't deserve you. he would have to show he has found the lord for me to believe him again. ..if i were faced with this.

[Me1986]

He says the offer is there on the table and that he wants to eventually marry me and that he doesn't think any man will offer this to me again.

You don't beleive that do you? The world is full of other great guys who'd hapily marry you. It's only a matter of time before you meet one of them.

 

I know that some might disagree and think I should give him another chance.

We've never met him, but from your description he doesn't sound very special. I would never kick my girlfriend out in a city where she doesn't know many people. I'd break up if it wasn't working but never abandon you like that, no decent guy does that.

 

And now he's talking about marriage? Whatever you do, please don't marry someone who gets angry enough to scare you. That's not on. At all. Fights are normal in a relationship but you should always feel safe with your significant other, even on the roughest days.

[idoltree]

I'm not sure why I even still feel so much love for him. I definitely put up with a lot more from him than I would ever put up with from anyone else.

 

Because there are some parts of you that need healing. When we are looking for someone to love in order to gain a sense of worth and completion, we are operating from an unhealthy place. Operating from an unhealthy place will mean you select dysfunctional people, and because you've symbolically handed that person the ability to determine your worth, you try even harder and put up with garbage beyond what is healthy.

 

I guess I just never connected with anyone the way that I connected with him. When we first met, he came in and swept me off my feet and showed me his world.

Again, when operating from an unhealthy place, feeling that intensity should be a signal to walk in the opposite direction. What you are reacting to is early signals of matching insecurity levels that are in the form of some issues that you faced in childhood.

 

That's why it was so painful for me when he first broke up due to long distance, and I let things slide and forgave him. I thought that if I relocated to be with him, things would be better. Then, the second time he broke up with me, I was crushed because not only was I heartbroken over it, but I also had no support system nearby or anywhere to go.

You have given this guy enough chances, and he hurts you each and every time. Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

He says it's different this time, but is his word something that you can trust? He's said a lot of pretty words in the past, and then went ahead and did the opposite.

 

A man who would break up with you and leave you in bad circumstances is not someone that should ever be trusted again.

 

Probably a year ago, I wasn't in this content stage of my life, but I began to just accept that my life wasn't going to have him in it and started building new friendships, advancing in my job, traveling, getting involved in hobbies, etc. He would reach out to me multiple times to meet up, and I just didn't think it was a good idea. It's taken me a very long time to get over him, and I wouldn't say that I'm even completely over him now.

Go back to this attitude. Understand that your not being over him is not about him the individual, but some things about yourself that you have to sort out. This guy is no prize, and you logically understand this, but emotionally you can't let go. That's about you, not him.

 

he says that if I don't give it a try again, it's me throwing him away and breaking his heart.

Someone who truly loves you wouldn't try to guilt trip you into getting what he wants. You owe him nothing, yet he acts entitled to your heart and like you are doing something wrong if you won't trust him again. Red flags, girl.

 

His explanation is that he just wasn't ready before and he was irresponsibie, but he's always loved me and knows that I'm who he wants. He says the offer is there on the table and that he wants to eventually marry me and that he doesn't think any man will offer this to me again.

Holy sh*t. Someone who loves you does not say things to bring you down. Someone who loves you will think that you are loveable, and know that there are plenty of other men who will want to love you (truth, by the way). He's trying to lower your self-esteem about yourself and your worth to get what he wants. Huge red flag, girl. He's very clearly emotionally abusive.

 

However, he primarily blames us not working out on me. He says he just gets angry towards me because he feels hurt I don't want to be with him anymore or see him.

A relationship with someone who refuses to look at himself and his own choices and behaviors will be no fun. Everything will always be your fault. He can do what he wants, say hurtful things, do hurtful things, and it will always be your fault. That does not equal a healthy and happy relationship. Red flag, girl.

 

I think I'm just going to have to continue to stay strong and not give in nor plan on meeting up with him ever again, as tempting as it would be.

Yay! You are awesome. This choice takes courage. It can be hard to choose an unfamiliar future rather than going back to the "devil that you know."

 

I want to think that he's changed and we could live happily ever after, but he's demonstrated to me that wouldn't be the case. I think after a year (if even) when the initial fun wears off, it will likely result in the same behaviors.

You have every indication that he hasn't changed. His own words and the motivations behind them are showing you that he hasn't changed. And, yes, it's quite likely he'd be able to keep up a "best behavior" approach for a couple of months, but soon enough he'd be back to the narcissistic jerk stuff, because that's who he truly is.

 

What makes this hard is that I do love him. I know that some might disagree and think I should give him another chance.

You are very easy to manipulate via guilt. You even seem to feel guilty for not following posters advice. Know that about yourself and be wary of people who try to make you feel guilty, because it is a signal that they are trying to use a weak spot of yours in order to control you. This is exactly what your ex does, because it's always worked for him.

 

If you don't work on whatever is behind that weak spot in order to heal it, you run the risk of meeting more men like your ex. The wisest investment for you is to stay single and work on yourself. You might do well with some counseling to figure out why you are clinging on to some unhealthy emotional ties.

 

You have nothing to feel guilty for. You seem to be a kind compassionate person, and your ex was able to take advantage of those qualities. He's not a good person, he's never going to be a good person. You are better than him and you should concentrate on healing parts of yourself and then finding someone on your level.

[Summer Lovin]

idoltree - you provide some great insight. Thank you! I'm not sure what happened, but I just feel beyond over my ex now and far removed from the situation. When I met him, I was young and naive, but now have a better sense of what to look for / what not to look for. It's been a year and a half now that we broke up, and he still tries to contact me from time to time. However, I just don't feel anything for him anymore and the thought of ever going back to him would be a step backwards. I think a lot of getting over him had to do with needing to get my own life / identity back, as for a while everything was tied to him.