fromheart Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Following on from my previous thread, I've spent the week reading, reflecting and being by myself. Just reflecting what I did wrong and how I can ease the pain that I'm feeling now. Of course, how can I get her back is a big thought I have. Here's my conclusions. I've been in love three times in my life. Each time a beautiful woman came into my life I was feeling good about myself. Each time I lost the girl, I had become dependant on her to feel good about myself. That's it. That's the big secret. That's the magic formula which every online dating coach is talking about, and what I've experienced in myself. Somewhere in my relationship, I started leaning on my woman to feel good. After my dad died especially I had to be away from my home with her to look after my mothers affairs, and always I'd think of home and my partner as a source of comfort. At that point, it was only a matter of time before my relationship came crashing down. It was like a disease eating into my connection with her. All I can do right now, is heal that disease. Start looking after my own personal source of comfort. Maybe she'll come back, but there is no way I can live my life hoping, as once again I'll be looking at her to feel good about myself. I haven't contacted her since the break up last week, and I'm not going to. I've walked and am not looking back. If she contacts me I'll talk to her , but eventually I'm going to make it clear that I'm her lover or nothing. I know that if I take responsibility for the way I am feeling, then I'm going to feel better instantly. I'm going to be open to meeting someone new eventually, and I'll fall in love and never make the same mistake of being needy, lacking in self reliance. As a side effect of that, maybe the woman I still love will come back, but only if I can recognise that I will be just as happy without her, as I was with her. So, if you're a man feeling your woman slipping away, ask yourself if you're needy. If you need her to feel good. Did you need her like this when she fell in love with you? Probably not. That's the point to get back to, that's what she loved about you. The unmoveable mountain of a man figure, who looked after himself. If she's already gone, then let her go. Walk on and don't look back. Mean it. Do what it takes to start feeling good about you, and become responsible for the way you feel. Once you're established in that and you genuinely are just as happy without her, despite missing her, she might come back. Woman know when you are genuine, and when you are faking. Its more attractive and honest to say, 'I miss you loads, but I have had to move on and look after me. Let me know if you'd like to be my lover, but I can't be friends with you.' Stop being needy. Even if you're relationship is going well on the surface, look into yourself and see if there's any neediness there waiting to strike. That neediness is a dormant disease, and it will strike. Weed it out. Even if life has beaten you down(and life is going to beat you down sometimes), be the strong, caring man and weed out any neediness for your woman. Better for you, better for her(she'll trust you more and have the space in her life to heal her own issues and open up to you fully) and a LOT healthier for your relationship. I wish someone had sat me down and told me that last paragraph, when I still had my girl. But I'm telling you now. 10
erklat Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Great read. The vision you described is my beacon that guides me through life. 1
melell Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Excellent post. People aware of this, even if they struggle to change, are the people I am attracted to. If someone is willing to sacrifice important parts of themselves, or seeks happiness from me, I instantly check out. This perspective will help you a lot op. Good for you. 1
Author fromheart Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Excellent post. People aware of this, even if they struggle to change, are the people I am attracted to. If someone is willing to sacrifice important parts of themselves, or seeks happiness from me, I instantly check out. This perspective will help you a lot op. Good for you.[/QUOT I agree. You can be a millionaire but unless you're happy within yourself you're not going to get anywhere in intimate relationships. It's when I was working on bettering myself and content on that path, that love found me. I wasn't perfect by a longshot, but that never affected the quality of the relationship I had as I was recognising my limitations and constantly working on improving them. I had my independence and self respect with that. That's all it took to be in a loving relationship, with yourself and another. It's also all it takes to start feeling better about yourself in the depths of a bitter breakup, and that's what I'm working on applying now. 2
Author fromheart Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Thank you for your post, fromheart. You're very welcome.
Author fromheart Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 If anyone is interested I've been checking out 'Coach Corey Wayne,' on youtube. He's been helping a lot. I've also started reading 'You can heal your heart,' by Louise hay and David Kessler.
erklat Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Coach Corey Wayne sells you the same stuff you can learn from barky and Tara here for free. Anyone here read The language of letting go by Melody Beattie?
JaneDoe12 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Yes, great post, OP. I can relate a lot to what you've written. I completely lost myself in my last (and first) relationship and that was because I jumped into it not really knowing who I was and not really loving myself. I'm recently single again and the thing I have learned so far is that you can't really love somebody else if you don't love yourself first. Because if you don't, all you're going to search for in another person is validation and approval. And you will lose yourself because you'll become needy and will cling onto that person because he/she is the only thing on which your self-esteem depends on. No, no, no. Our self-esteem has to come from us and only us, nobody else. Up until you know and love yourself, love will just be a mirage. I'm currently trying to get to know myself and work on my self-esteem. Best of luck to everyone in the same situation. 1
fire_angel94 Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I have the same problem. I never used to be the kind of needy person I am now. I used to be easy-going and kind. My temper didn't flare easily and I'm usually patient. That was what I liked about myself and so did my friends. But after my current relationship started, I was constantly being put down. I lost my self-esteem and I didn't know what was good about me anymore because my partner doesn't re-enforce that. Okay he did, but he also put my down a lot by being 'honest' with his thoughts and I really lost myself. I didn't get your post at first because I was thinking of him and how I wished he would be needy with me just like I was with him. But after thinking, I realise the one the post was talking about was me. I don't treasure myself enough and I always crawl back after every quarrel because I was afraid to shake the relationship to the point that we break up for good. But thanks to this, I finally realised that I have to love myself and be the best I can be so that my partner can respect me instead. Then maybe my relationship would've gone better. Then maybe I wouldm't have become so meek and dependent. 1
Sucker for Love Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Jane Doe, and OP, I am glad you are both working on yourselves. I have struggled with my own sense of worth and loving myself too. It has made losing my recent ex, to another shot with his ex long-term gf that much more painful. He says he loves me but didnt want to settle into a relationship with me, knowing how I felt, if he might end up wondering what would have happened if he had tried again with her. So rather than risk hurting me worse later, he needed to see if he liked who he was with her still, etc. Still, that he had to make ANY choice hurt. It resembled when my dad chose a date with the woman who would become my step-mom, over being with me when I needed him. I was 7years old. Ever since I have been unable to feel or accept the love of those who "love" me. I realize that deep down, I feel unloved and unlovable, and unworthy...and my name means "worthy of love." Ironic, no? So I had been working on myself off and on for a while in that regard, not wanting to miss out on the one because I cant even love myself. Then, I thought I was fine, met him, fell in love, and panicked. Because without him I meant nothing. That's how I feel. I wish I knew how to feel better, and love myself. I think I know myself pretty well. I just don't know how to love or accept myself. I know that if we ever do get back together, I will ruin it if I don't know how to be happy on my own. How do you guys do it? Does a sort of switch have to flip for you first? Any suggestions on where to start, aside from intensive therapy? I wish I was as far along as you all seem to be. Especially because if I don't have anyone who can replace the feeling of being loved that my dad robbed me of, then I would at least have myself. I just don't get how anyone, even me, can repair what my dad broke. Not anyone but my Dad could fix it, it seems. Is that rational? Sorry for hi-jacking the post. The way you expressed yourself just really resonated with me. 1
Author fromheart Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 Jane Doe, and OP, I am glad you are both working on yourselves. I have struggled with my own sense of worth and loving myself too. It has made losing my recent ex, to another shot with his ex long-term gf that much more painful. He says he loves me but didnt want to settle into a relationship with me, knowing how I felt, if he might end up wondering what would have happened if he had tried again with her. So rather than risk hurting me worse later, he needed to see if he liked who he was with her still, etc. Still, that he had to make ANY choice hurt. It resembled when my dad chose a date with the woman who would become my step-mom, over being with me when I needed him. I was 7years old. Ever since I have been unable to feel or accept the love of those who "love" me. I realize that deep down, I feel unloved and unlovable, and unworthy...and my name means "worthy of love." Ironic, no? So I had been working on myself off and on for a while in that regard, not wanting to miss out on the one because I cant even love myself. Then, I thought I was fine, met him, fell in love, and panicked. Because without him I meant nothing. That's how I feel. I wish I knew how to feel better, and love myself. I think I know myself pretty well. I just don't know how to love or accept myself. I know that if we ever do get back together, I will ruin it if I don't know how to be happy on my own. How do you guys do it? Does a sort of switch have to flip for you first? Any suggestions on where to start, aside from intensive therapy? I wish I was as far along as you all seem to be. Especially because if I don't have anyone who can replace the feeling of being loved that my dad robbed me of, then I would at least have myself. I just don't get how anyone, even me, can repair what my dad broke. Not anyone but my Dad could fix it, it seems. Is that rational? Sorry for hi-jacking the post. The way you expressed yourself just really resonated with me. I think the first step is that you consciously realize it which you have done, you've also hit the nail on the head with how you react to love as an adult and how it relates to childhood issues. I read recently, that kids who are not experiencing love in the home, will have difficulty in accepting love from others in the future. That's certainly been my case. There's one person who can give you the love your father didn't. You. You're your own parent now. And you can give yourself the love and attention that was missing in your childhood. The method varies form person to person, and maybe its different for men and women. Yoga and martial arts does it for me. I read self help books, look at alot of relationship youtube vids. I go for walks and consciously shift my focus from the woman I still want, back to me and my fulfilment. I weed out neediness as best as I can, in the present moment. As I said, I feel that is very important whether you are single, in a good or struggling relationship or just broken up. I'm not always there and sometimes I'm still plain heartbroken, angry etc. But my method has been helping. Can't help but notice the boyfriend you describe, is giving you the flaky treatment your father gave you. You're worth more than that you know. 1
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