st peter Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 i had never heard of gigs till i was dumped, but it seems to fit to my ex. or maybe I'm in denial? we were a wonderful long distance relationship for a year and a half. she was mad for me eg. used to practice a new signature with my name, that kinda ****. despite us both having teen relationships, i think its fair we were both first proper love, and at least first proper long term sexual partners. we are both now 20. in august i spent a month with her in america and it wasn't the same. she used to get mad at the tiniest little thing, i could ****ing chop an onion wrong and ww3 would break out. i justified this as her having suffered a really tough year (in which she admitted to me i had been the one thing keeping her going), and alarming mental problems like bulimia and signs of depression. however, she spent the month needing me every second she wasn't mad to look after her, and she wept for a whole day when i left for home, even though i was due to be seeing her in 2 weeks, when she came to study at my home city in england. in the event, her visa situation ****ed up and it looked like she wouldn't be able to come. she lost it and for 2 weeks she treated me like dog ****e. we broke up mutually, her saying she didn't care any more and the relationship was never a big deal (bs obviously), me saying i don't want to be with someone who treats me like **** after i treat her like gold. i think i made the typical mistake of noticing warning signs and then trying to profess my love to her to keep her, in the event making me seem clingy. then i get a call a week later saying she has just arrived in england, can she see me. i was over the moon, but she said i don't love you and don't want to be with you. then we got drunk and had sex. next couple of days we had a lot of sex and she called me all the time begging to talk. i feel like i legitimately thought we had a chance of fixing things. then of course she ****s the first guy she meets from her course. it was pretty dreadful actually, she wore a dress i got her and had asked me to be awake so she could crash at mine, and when telling me the next day said i quote 'i feel great about myself'. not gonna lie i was a ****ing wreck after that. 2 weeks of misery later in which we had very limited contact she asks to see me. me being weak agreed, and i spent a week consoling her as she had no friends, encouraging her and even sleeping with her. i know, wtf was i thinking? however she continued too be a moody bitch and did not appreciate my help, so i told her to not contact me as she clearly had no idea how much pain she had caused me, and did not know the meaning of the word sorry. significantly more offensive terms were used as well, i cannot tell you how furious and betrayed i felt. anyway, that was 2.5 months ago, and 3 from the actual split, and to my amazement I'm doing great. remembered that i like myself, and enjoying the freedom of being single. but, obviously i cannot stop thinking about my ex. it doesn't make sense to me how a girl can go from wanting to bloody name kids with me to a month later (in different countries) ****ing some prick literally about 5 hours after having sex with me. it sounds like she is a typical gigs case. young girl faced with going to another country to study in the same city as her boyfriend, i completely get how that was daunting and made her panic. she had a more sheltered adolescence than me on some island in america, me in london, and i get why she felt the need for the wild grimy single student lifestyle i got more out of my system when i was younger. she had no answers as to why she no longer wanted to be with me, but i found in her room a list she had made in secret. her reasons were petulant bs that i knew weren't real reasons and i felt she was trying to convince herself. i wouldn't take her back if she asked, maybe far in the future if she proved she really loved me and was sorry, but it freaked me how quickly things went pear shaped. ill be honest, my faith in love has been really dented, and i can't quite believe she really is indifferent toward me. anyway, to the brave souls who laboured through this post, could she one day regret her decision? she envisioned an elaborate future with me, could she dream of that again once the thrill of being single wears off / she has had enough time to experience life without me / she experiences other less good partners (eurgh what a wretched thought)? and could she possibly already miss me, but be too ashamed to tell me? NC has saved my ass, but i hope one day i will get that phone call.
Downtown Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 i had never heard of gigs till i was dumped, but it seems to fit to my ex.Perhaps so, Peter. That is not what you seem to be describing, however. She had alarming mental problems like bulimia and signs of depression.... she continued too be a moody bitch and ...did not know the meaning of the word sorry. significantly more offensive terms were used as well.... i cannot tell you how furious and betrayed i felt.Peter, it sounds like you dodged a bullet. Yet, given your strong attraction to an unstable, moody, young woman with "alarming mental problems," you are at risk of running right into the arms of another woman just like the one you left. I therefore suggest you learn how to avoid them by learning how to spot the warning signs for the two most common causes of instability: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and bipolar disorder. Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., the verbal abuse, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), "getting mad at the tiniest thing," lack of empathy, and "not knowing the meaning of the word sorry" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD. Moreover, the depression and bulimia you mention are common co-occurring disorders for people having strong BPD traits. See Bulimia with Comorbid BPD and Depression. Also see Psychiatric Disorders that Often Co-Occur with BPD). Indeed, one of the nine defining traits for BPD is impulsive destructive behavior, such as bulimia or other eating disorders. Importantly, spotting BPD traits does NOT imply a person "has BPD." The reason is that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that one "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, it is simply a group of basic human behaviors that everyone has to some degree. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder." At issue, then, is not whether your exGF is exhibiting BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she is exhibiting those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., whether she is on the upper half of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I do know, however, that YOU are capable of learning how to spot the red flags so you can spot strong occurrences of them in your future dating activities. There is nothing subtle or nuanced about traits such as strong verbal abuse, bulimia, depression, and rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If you are interested, I describe the differences I've seen between the behaviors typical of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. 2
carhill Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 OP, since you and she spent significant time together, how would you characterize her behavior with other people, like friends, family, social interactions, business interactions, etc, etc. I might write off some of this to being young (20) but there are also signs which triggered an analysis like Downtown provides as well. Hard to know. Are you trying to establish 'reasons' to gain closure? anyway, to the brave souls who laboured through this post, could she one day regret her decision? she envisioned an elaborate future with me, could she dream of that again once the thrill of being single wears off / she has had enough time to experience life without me / she experiences other less good partners (eurgh what a wretched thought)? and could she possibly already miss me, but be too ashamed to tell me? NC has saved my ass, but i hope one day i will get that phone call. These kinds of questions are normal when young, as all this emotional stuff is very pointed and consuming. The answer is - Unknown. We can't read anyone else's mind and, if you think a computer can change fast, it doesn't hold a candle to the human mind. Hence, you can of course ponder all the possibilities, and perhaps that reflection can benefit you, IDK. I found, having experienced some of what you relate at your age, that 'finishing business' can feel very settling in such matters. What happened happened, you felt the way you did, actions are completed and life goes on, with the lessons learned hopefully adding to your body of relationship knowledge and insight. Finishing business is up to the individual. We each choose how to process such matters. Best wishes in your choices. 1
Marco Valerio Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Hi!!! I totally agree with Downtown, every single word. The same happend to me, instead of bulimia it was anorexia. She was fu...ing bitch, constantly cheating, lying, being rude, mean...it was horrible. I gave her my all, but she wouldn't care less, it was only about her sick needs. Totally selfish and incapable of loving others. Run as fast as you can from her, you can not have a relationship with someone with that mental disorder...it's very sad but it's true =(
Author st peter Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 thanks for your replies, great to hear i haven't gone mad! i think what i didn't make clear is that for all but the last month or so of the relationship, these signs really were not there. she was a dream girlfriend; loving, fun and also just normal. there was no drama for over a year, and the only negative emotions were sadness at missing each other. we were the envy of both my friends and hers. the girl i fell for and the one who broke up with me are so different i can't recognise them. sadly i think you guys are right, and she needs to address some mental issues. maybe I'm not the one who should be complaining! its just hard to truly accept such a sad end to what was the best thing that ever happened to me. anyway, much appreciated fellas
Recommended Posts