Haerts Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I've been thinking about what I expect from a relationship and sometimes I wonder if I'm waiting for too much or if my boyfriend simply isn't a good match. He's not really a sweet guy. In fact, we've troubles there, 'cause he's not one for showing. I do like him a lot, but sometimes I expect things that I'm not sure whether I should expect or not. I know people say it's better if I don't expect anything, but it's just that I absolutely love when he shows me with actions that he does love me, what he rarely does. The other day we were talking about it, and he said "if I'm not doing something that you think I should be doing, then speak to me. I know I'm not one for showing, I've been always like that, but I'll try my best". It felt great, of course, but on another note, should I be telling him all the time what I'm waiting for? Sometimes it's so obvious in my head that he should be doing something (like when I was sick home alone and he went 2 days without seeing me, even though he was home and could easily come to my place). But then he doesn't. And it makes me kinda sad. You know, it shows that he wasn't thinking of me. May sound cliche, but the song "More Than Words" (Extreme) is exactly what I think. He says too much, but he fails to prove through actions what he says to me, and I'm never sure whether I'm expecting too much from him or if I should just dump him and find someone who'll actually show me that they do love me. To sum it up, he's not one for showing he likes/loves me and I feel confused at times. When he rarely does it, it feels SO GOOD. And I always tell him that. Yet most of the time he doesn't and... oh well. Am I being paranoid? I really don't think I am, but I don't know what to do either.
Ann253 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Have you ever read the 5 love languages? It may be that he is showing you love in a way that isn't your love language, which could be why you feel like he isn't "doing enough". I strongly recommend you read the book. It will help you discover what it is you need to feel loved, and possibly help you understand what he needs in return. 1
Author Haerts Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) What do you do for him? A relationship isn't all about what a guy can do for you. - He says I'm the best girlfriend ever. Can't say the same about him. That must say a lot, right? - On his birthday, which was a couple weeks ago, I gave him a box with a bunch of stuff that he likes. Nothing expensive. He almost cried and said it was the most personal, sweet and definitely the best gift he ever got. It was both bday and xmas gift. He didn't give me anything for xmas. Ah, btw, his mother said "finally you received a gift that is, indeed, so you". - Whenever I go out with my friends, I send him pictures, some time through it I ask how he's doing, I try to show him that I didn't forget him, but that I'm having my time with my friends so I'm not going to stay on the phone the whole time. On another note, the moment he's out, til the moment he's home, he doesn't say/do anything. The only thing he does is tell me when he gets home, which is something I requested - even then, not all the time. - When he said he needed to go to the doctor once, I said I could come with him. When he was at my place and suddenly got sick, I went out to buy some healthy stuff and medicines. When I was home alone (roomate was out of town), sick, for 2 days, he didn't come over or did anything to show that he wanted to take care of me. In fact, I had to go to the hospital alone. - Right now, we're unable to see each other. Everyday I try to suggest something for us to do, when we're both home: I suggested watching a movie together with skype on, talking via skype, talking through the phone sometimes, playing an online game... anything to keep us entertained/closer. He doesn't come up with anything. In fact, most of the times he doesn't even request me to do any of the above. I could mention more. Can you see why I keep getting frustrated while he thinks I'm the best girlfriend ever? Because I SHOW all the time that he's important to me. He doesn't. He was a lot worse at the very start, he's getting better. Still very meh. Still I like him a lot. I can feel I can trust him though. But he doesn't show sht, while I do that all the time and I expect it too. Of course I want someone to take care of me, to make me feel loved... he tries and I can see he's trying, but he's the opposite of me when it comes down to situations like what I mentioned above. Then I don't know if I'm expecting too much or if he simply isn't doing things that are obvious in a relationship or if that's just how he is, careless, and if I want to be with him, I should accept it. Then I even wonder if he does really like me. And then a bunch of other questions pop in my head, like "shouldn't him be doing this and that if he truly loved me?". Edited January 4, 2015 by Haerts 1
GemmaUK Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 He has been totally upfront about how he is and has asked you to tell him what he can do. He isn't a mind reader. You have got to communicate. If you don't communicate he will never know what it is you are waiting for him to do and he is then letting you down due to something in your head - but that is your own fault for not communicating, not his. You are basically letting yourself down and blaming him. Each situation is different too so you have to be specific and give him time to learn.
Erised Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 If you want something and aren't getting it, you need to be clear about it. Okay, so I'm not very good at read subtle social cues and such. I need people to be honest and clear with me because of this. Maybe he's the same. Waiting for him to guess what you need doesn't help. He might start to learn how you like to be treated over time, but not if you don't tell him so he can learn.
Author Haerts Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) I've been trying to do that. Just now something happened. He said last night when he was out, two hot ladies were selling candies to collect money for charity - and that he bought them. It leaves me wondering: did he buy the candy because the ladies were hot or because he wanted to help? Hard to believe the second one. What I don't get is WHY does he have to mention that kind of stuff to me. He has done that a few times, and I've asked him to stop. So I said "it doesn't matters if they're hot or not, it was needless to say that. I don't like seeing my boyfriend saying other girls are hot, I do think other guys are hot too, but I have no reason to tell you that, it only hurts". And he got mad. Said sorry, but that we were fighting for a stupid reason. I told him "we're not fighting. You said something I didn't like, I'm telling you I didn't like it so you don't do the same thing again. Now we move on". And he said he needed some time alone. Really, am I wrong here? Because if I am, I might have to go see a therapist or something to show me how to be in a relationship, 'cause I'm doing it all wrong... Edited January 4, 2015 by Haerts
Author Haerts Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 Have you ever read the 5 love languages? It may be that he is showing you love in a way that isn't your love language, which could be why you feel like he isn't "doing enough". I strongly recommend you read the book. It will help you discover what it is you need to feel loved, and possibly help you understand what he needs in return. I'm reading it and I'm liking it so far. I discovered that time spent for us is what I need from a relationship and it feels like it matches this thread very well... but I think all these 5 love languages should exist together, even though one of them is the strongest. I couldn't find what is the most important for him though. And enigma32, it's so hard to walk away. Maybe I really should. He's done nothing to really hurt me so far, and we do so great when we're together. Oh well...
mariekatie Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I'm exactly or almost in the same situation as you! My boyfriend said i'm the best girlfriend anyone could have yet sometimes he don't show much with actions. I guess some guys are just passive. He always tell me he loves me alot but sometimes i just don't feel it enough. Have you been hurt badly in the past before? I was hurt badly, that's why i'm always wary & he knows i have trust issues. One thing i wouldn't think you're wrong is, he keeps telling you other girls are hot. We all know that guys look but it is not necessary to mention it. I know it's tiring on you because you're the same as me, we give too much. Maybe we do expect alot because we gave too much. It's not good to have expectations sometimes. As long as he doesn't cheat, doesn't lie or do stupid things, i think it's still fine. Men rarely change much. My boyfriend said i have to tell him what's wrong but sometimes i'm so bad at expressing and he became mad at what i said as i came off too strong. But he's trying and i'm learning to see his love language. His way is sacrificing, mine is words and actions. It's getting better now as well, communication is the key. Also, if you want him to come over when you're sick, maybe you can tell him instead of expecting it and keeping quiet. MAYBE to him, he wanna let you rest. My boyfriend will leave me alone to let me rest as well (we are LDR). And when i'm out, he wants me to leave the phone alone too. It's just their nature or perhaps they are already used to being single. 1
Author Haerts Posted January 5, 2015 Author Posted January 5, 2015 (edited) Thank you a lot, mariekate, your comment was like, very very good to read. It seems like we and our relationships are very similar! It's hard and it gets on my nerves every now and then, but I really do like him a lot. He's definitely being the most special guy I've met, despite the differences. I know he likes me a lot, I just have to accept that. Like you said, I have trust issues too, I've been hurt a lot in the past, but he's never done anything that would be really bad to me. I have these doubts every now and then in my head and I don't wanna ruin everything, so I always want to make sure I'm doing things right on my end. Edited January 5, 2015 by Haerts 1
mariekatie Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Thank you a lot, mariekate, your comment was like, very very good to read. It seems like we and our relationships are very similar! It's hard and it gets on my nerves every now and then, but I really do like him a lot. He's definitely being the most special guy I've met, despite the differences. I know he likes me a lot, I just have to accept that. Like you said, I have trust issues too, I've been hurt a lot in the past, but he's never done anything that would be really bad to me. I have these doubts every now and then in my head and I don't wanna ruin everything, so I always want to make sure I'm doing things right on my end. Sometimes you just need to stop caring so much & stop fearing. I believe your boyfriend cares for you but can be insensitive at times. it takes alot of communication and fights to get to know each other better. If you don't say anything, don't expect that he will know it. I was like you, i was hurt WAY TOO MUCH. And sometimes i'll do things to push people away without knowing it. I expect alot because i'm insecure but i realize it was my own problem as he didn't do anything bad as well. people are eventually gonna hurt you, you just need to see if the "hurt" is worth it or not. And also look out for red flags. In the back of my mind, i always think "what if one day he got sick of me as well? What if he left. oh well, everyone will leave eventually" and i start being negative. It strains our relationship because i'll expect him to console me and reassure me. It's tiring and suffocating. But luckily for me, my boyfriend will speak up when i'm in the wrong and i'll snap out of it and realise i'm being demanding. My ex didn't stop me, i was SO controlling and he allowed it to happen even though he feels ****ty. And i got worse, i was the world's ****tiest girlfriend to him & one day he just left me. I always thought he wouldn't, i thought he already "got used to it". But i learned from my mistake. I can't deny that i'm still demanding but i'm becoming better. It's hard because sometimes i tell myself to not be so needy but when he starts talking to me, i got needy again :/ Sometimes it's fear that drives people crazy, just learn to enjoy the relationship If it doesn't work out, it's just means that someone better is out there. I guess we can give you all sorts of advice but only you yourself know your r/s best. It drives me nuts when my boyfriend do this to me as well. But i learn to communicate with him. It took many months and communication for me to reach where i am today. But of course i still have fears. It doesn't go away immediately. It takes a long time and loads of patience from your partner. Talk to him about your fears.
Back2WhatUKnow Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 Weirdly. I have been wanting to read something similiar too. I have been dating this very nice guy for 2.5months. I was also in many bad relationships involving trust and have been a commitment phobe myself. However when I see this guy he one day gets really in tune and tells me how he feels. Then 2 days later it is a bit distant. I know I don't share near as much but I try..but when he is so hot and cold. I get scared and part of me wants to run. Yet I don't know him too well and figure it is just about who he is. The most I have figured out is. I try to open myself up more and wait and see. If he shows distance..I notice I do the same reaction. Trust issues come a long ways and I am still learning that. Even though we haven't gotten to the official point. I'd like to figure it out before then.
sprater Posted January 5, 2015 Posted January 5, 2015 I've been trying to do that. Just now something happened. He said last night when he was out, two hot ladies were selling candies to collect money for charity - and that he bought them. It leaves me wondering: did he buy the candy because the ladies were hot or because he wanted to help? Hard to believe the second one. He's either being honest with you, or trying to spark a reaction. Men and women are alike and different in so many ways. This is just part of being human. Here is my advice. - Don't expect him to read your mind - Don't expect an immediate change; it takes time. Talk to him. If he listens, and tells you it will change - give him time. If there are small improvements, don't take them for granted. Accept them and realize that is his attempt to change. If nothing changes, even within the first month there should be attempts, then walk away. He may love you unconditionally, but we cannot change who we are. Honestly, I feel as if this relationship isn't going to work because you aren't able to accept him for who he is. An example; my best friend was dating one of my coworkers that I know very well. He is very introverted. He cares about her SO much, he would do anything in the world to make that girl happy; except change himself. She would come over, he would sit in the recliner.. she would sit on the sofa. It's just who he is. He would make times to where there was romance, but that was something she couldn't handle. She wanted the normal.. erm, "contact" in a relationship. So even though they cared about each other, they had to part ways. Why? Because she couldn't accept him.
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