Avante91 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Please can someone give me advice or explain her behaviour? We had an intense relationship where we spoke 24/7 and spent 5/7 days together. She keeps telling me to accept its over and I'm trying but is she playing mind games or am I paranoid? My ex ended it a month ago over something pathetic (social media) we we're together for about 3 years in total with one major break up 12months ago. In the beginning I begged, pleaded, emailed until I realised it was pushing her further away so I've been no contact for about 7 days. She blocked me on everything, what's app, Facebook, Twitter. So it made it slightly "easier" however she keeps turning up in my life. Last night me and my buddy were at my local pub (2 doors away from my house) and a few of her friends were there. Next thing I know my ex has driven 20mins from her house, parked her car outside my house and come in the pub. She isn't dressed up so I figure she's come to: A) pick a friend up B) try get my attention As I said she lives a 20min drive away all her friends were drinking and it just made no sense why she turned up. When I go home to get more money she is stood in my kitchen speaking to my mum. I ask to talk and she immediately leaves. She drives off and I break no contact, I'm not trying to get her back I honestly just want to end it properly (as she did so over text). She replied but was argumentative saying "please accept it's done I don't want to talk" she said she parked on a main road (she always made a point of it being her parking space - and the pub is my local where everyone can expect to find me) and only came to pick her friend up oh and apparently my mum wanted to talk to her. My mum later said she wanted to be friends in the future but not yet - I will not agree to being friends with someone I clearly still love. Please can someone explain her behaviour? She ended it so why keep interrupting my life if I left her alone? Thanks
Author Avante91 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 She stayed around for a couple of hours if she was picking someone up she would have been 15mins max... I thought she was giving me the green light to get in contact oops
welshbambi Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 What she's doing is really unfair. It sounds like she's trying to see how you are doing and just in case she wants to use you as a back up. She may also be getting a little power trip from being able to casually drop in and out and play it off as a technicality. For example, parking her car outside your house. If she knew the area, she would have been able to find somewhere else to park. She wanted you to know she was there but is then passing it off as "parking on the main road". LS users, am I right in thinking this would be an example of gaslighting? You need to politely ask your mum to go NC with her as well - if my ex was in my home when I got home, casually chatting to my mum like nothing had happened and then didn't even have the courtesy to talk to me, I would be furious. It would be bad enough they were still in contact because how else would your ex know your mum wanted to talk to her? She can't have it all ways! She sounds like an attention seeker. Don't give her what she wants in any way. If she appears at your pub again, just leave. 1
Itspointless Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Your ex sounds controlling and in want of being liked, in other words very insecure. Apparently she can have a life without you - or wants to pretend she has - but you need to be monitored. Isn't it nice of her that she wants to be friends when her pain has lessened, you mother must find that very sympathetic of her. What was that social media thing that made her break up? 1
harrybrown Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Do not break NC again. Tell your Mom not to let her in your house. Keep your distance, too much drama with this one. 2
Author Avante91 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Your ex sounds controlling and in want of being liked, in other words very insecure. Apparently she can have a life without you - or wants to pretend she has - but you need to be monitored. Isn't it nice of her that she wants to be friends when her pain has lessened, you mother must find that very sympathetic of her. What was that social media thing that made her break up? You hit the nail on the head she is very jealous, insecure and possessive..or was! I'm a personal trainer so I interact with females and she can't stand that even though it's on a professional level! The social media thing was snapchat, a girl from the gym who is in a relationship and happy was sending me updates or her food intake and and ended up on my best friends list..apparently that automatically means I've been sleeping wih her. I've spoke to her boyfriend and he is so fine with it yet my ex used it as the reason to end it stating she couldn't trust me and I've emotionally cheated (I'm sorry but since when is someone's name on your top friends cheating) I honestly cannot wait until the attachment/love is gone I know I deserve more!
Author Avante91 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Do not break NC again. Tell your Mom not to let her in your house. Keep your distance, too much drama with this one. Thank you Harry. I have no method of getting in contact with her at all now. I've asked my mum to also do NC and not be involved she is trying to help me heal but making it worse. I will be keeping my distance, if I see her my plan is to leave before she has chance to put the Spotlight on her. It's so sad I loved her and gave her so much maybe too much. I just want to be strong enough that when she tries to re enter my life I politely decline!
Author Avante91 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 What she's doing is really unfair. It sounds like she's trying to see how you are doing and just in case she wants to use you as a back up. She may also be getting a little power trip from being able to casually drop in and out and play it off as a technicality. For example, parking her car outside your house. If she knew the area, she would have been able to find somewhere else to park. She wanted you to know she was there but is then passing it off as "parking on the main road". LS users, am I right in thinking this would be an example of gaslighting? You need to politely ask your mum to go NC with her as well - if my ex was in my home when I got home, casually chatting to my mum like nothing had happened and then didn't even have the courtesy to talk to me, I would be furious. It would be bad enough they were still in contact because how else would your ex know your mum wanted to talk to her? She can't have it all ways! She sounds like an attention seeker. Don't give her what she wants in any way. If she appears at your pub again, just leave. Thank you I have been looking up "gaslighting" and it does seem applicable here! The worst thing is that my young niece and nephew were in my house at the time and they are already very confused and missing her, so when they saw her car they got excited and then when they could see and hear her it made it even worse. A relationship should be between two people. But she seems to try involve everyone and when we break up her mission is to turn everyone against ME including my own family. I've seen now how low she will stoop and I dont like her true colours. I cannot wait to close this bad chapter of my life and start a new book.
Author Avante91 Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 So my ex who never comes to my local pub has turned up again last night. I walked in saw her and immediately left (she didn't see me). I know people may say I should have stayed and acted normal but I cannot. I am a mess and I do not want her to see me like this. Why is she suddenly so interested in driving to my local pub with her friends? She has never been here before except for lunch with me once in our 3 years together. Is she trying to f@ck my head up even more? Is she asking me to fight for her and chase? Is it just a coincidence and I'm over thinking it? I'm determined to proceed with no contact because I'm done with crying. I just don't understand why she would end it, tell me to accept its over and to leave her alone and keep turning up to rub my face in it? Any comments/advice well received.
welshbambi Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 Do exactly what you are doing. Ask your friends if they will quietly go for a drink somewhere else with you. If they are good friends they won't mind. This girl is bizarre. What on earth is she trying to do? The only thing I can think of is that she is a huge attention seeker. Perhaps she was calling your bluff when she ended it and is now expecting you to make her feel good by chasing after her. She hasn't been getting the desired reaction so is now trying to provoke a response from you. Breaking NC and engaging in any way (including going to your local) will give her the reaction she is looking for. Don't give in, she will always hold power over you otherwise. Don't give her that satisfaction. 1
Author Avante91 Posted January 6, 2015 Author Posted January 6, 2015 Do exactly what you are doing. Ask your friends if they will quietly go for a drink somewhere else with you. If they are good friends they won't mind. This girl is bizarre. What on earth is she trying to do? The only thing I can think of is that she is a huge attention seeker. Perhaps she was calling your bluff when she ended it and is now expecting you to make her feel good by chasing after her. She hasn't been getting the desired reaction so is now trying to provoke a response from you. Breaking NC and engaging in any way (including going to your local) will give her the reaction she is looking for. Don't give in, she will always hold power over you otherwise. Don't give her that satisfaction. Thank you your words are more valuable than gold right now. I am so low. She broke up with me 30th November, threw our organised Christmas together away and she is home from University for a month. Straight away I begged, I emailed, I text, I drove to her and she told me she has kissed someone else and its over so accept it. I'm trying to accept it but since then she has turned up everywhere I go! She ignores I ever existed I can't even remember if we were in a relationship now it feels like a dream! She has blocked me on everything so I thought okay you want me out of your life I will give you that - and she just won't stop turning up. If she ever truly loved ME why does she want to repeatedly break my heart..please let me heal I do not want to hate you. I want to remember the good times. You are making it so hard to see any good in you. If you are doing this to show you are still interested believe me you are ruining any chance you may have in the future with me. Welsh; I will do what you advise. She goes back to university in 2 weeks I think then I will properly be able to heal. Until she pops up again in March like last year! I pray I find the strength to ignore her when she does turn up at my door. It will happen it did last year
welshbambi Posted January 6, 2015 Posted January 6, 2015 It's January and in the UK a lot of people are "going dry" - excuse one for not going to the pub. This should limit her ability to get in your face until she goes back. In the meantime, why don't you have a poker night or something round your place for your mates? As for her imminent return for March, well, could you book a trip or holiday during that time? Got some friends elsewhere that would appreciate a visit for a few days? You can't stop her being in any public place she wants, but you can stop yourself being in places you know she will be. It is likely that you will find yourself wanting her back at some point in the next month or so, therefore you need to insure yourself now to stop yourself taking the opportunities she's trying to give you to ask for her back. Keep the faith bro, I am sure you had good times but also it sounds like she is a bit odd. 1
Author Avante91 Posted January 7, 2015 Author Posted January 7, 2015 It's January and in the UK a lot of people are "going dry" - excuse one for not going to the pub. This should limit her ability to get in your face until she goes back. In the meantime, why don't you have a poker night or something round your place for your mates? As for her imminent return for March, well, could you book a trip or holiday during that time? Got some friends elsewhere that would appreciate a visit for a few days? You can't stop her being in any public place she wants, but you can stop yourself being in places you know she will be. It is likely that you will find yourself wanting her back at some point in the next month or so, therefore you need to insure yourself now to stop yourself taking the opportunities she's trying to give you to ask for her back. Keep the faith bro, I am sure you had good times but also it sounds like she is a bit odd. I feel a lot less needy than I did a month ago I've realised I was dependent on her for my happiness and that is never healthy honestly a year ago I was so emotionally strong, confident and alpha and I'm trying to get back to that. I am avoiding my own local but it's hard when I get home from work and her car is there it brings back all the times she was waiting at my house for me. I love her and I will always care but how she is acting is showing me it's a game to her not love. A small part of me would take her back tomorrow but deep down I know neither of us have "grown" and she would break my heart again. I'm honestly considering moving house I know that sounds extreme but I want my life back. You are right all I can remember are the good times and right now all she remembers are the bad.. I think gradually I will remember the bad while doing NC and her resentment will go and she will start to remember the good. It sounds a bit childish but I hope when the day comes when she realises I can just ignore her like she has to me but minus the mind games. Thank you Welsh
Author Avante91 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 I'm on day 8 and I am struggling. I know I have a long way to go I will be proud of myself after 1 month, 2 month etc.. But it feels so far away. I fake a smile everyday just so that I can function at work and with family. Every night I go to bed alone and wake up alone, it's very difficult. It felt like a bad Dream the first few nights but I've gradually realised this is reality now. Although the breakup up broke my heart, it breaks again everyday with the aftermath and her strange behaviour. She immediately blocked me on all social media, she had been posting how happy she now was and also making it public knowledge she was single and speaking to her ex etc for people to see. Before NC we would bump into each other and she would act as if I was invisible it drove me mad and usually ended in an argument. I learnt the hard way to respect her choice to not have me in her life. I left her alone and she turned up at my house to talk to my mum..? If you don't want me in your life why interrupt mine. You have broke my heart don't use it as your form of entertainment now, watching me hurt. I've realised I have co-dependency and attachment issues and believe me I am truly going to work on them because I will never allow a woman to make me feel this hurt again in my life. Some words of advice, motivation or inspiration would really help you guys are great I just need some encouragement.
dyna85 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I do recall the post where you wrote about her showing up at your house and talking to your mom. That's pretty messed up and it's good that you implemented NC. It's so good that you're doing NC and on day 8. It takes a lot of courage, but is so worth it. I'm on day 19 and find there are many ebbs and flows but on the whole, it's been pretty bad. Not to discourage you. I'm only like a week or so ahead of you in the NC department, but I can't lie and say it's easy. If you were in it really deep, it takes quite a while (unless you're a freaking robot with no emotion/conscience). It can be excruciating at times, but you will definitely heal with time. Just keep plugging away and have faith that this is all part of the bigger plan. Have been through heartache a few times before and unfortunately and fortunately, you do move on and get back to yourself. I say unfortunately, because sometimes it's hard to let go of something that means so much and it's hard to accept that you may need to let go. You want to hold on to the concept that it might have a happy ending, this thing between you and this person who has caused you pain. It sucks that some seemingly good things have their expiration date. I cringe to even write that last line because I so don't want it to be true. I freaking hate denial because it's not conducive to letting go if you keep slipping back for comfort, but I love the peace of hope/denial. Feeling anger, despair, hurt, and all the nastiness that comes with heartache is just awful and I wish I could side step those aspects. You're doing good though. Keep going. 1
An0nymiss666 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I haven't read the entirety of the page and replies, however, I've read the majority and to me it screams immaturity. I don't think you mentioned how old you were, but it reminds me of High School garbage and other immature things my friends did (and admittedly myself at times) around that age. And if you are that young, it is all about the learning experience and maturing as you age as an adult. Both for you, and her, hopefully. I'm only 23 and I look at things I did anytime from last week to four years ago and think "geez, that was silly." Just as an example, my one friend back in the day was so nuts (needless to say we aren't friends anymore) she maintained any contact she could (social media, phone, etc.) or if she was blocked she would somehow stalk these guys, her exes. Even her exes parents and show up at their work, and other things. She would either find out precisely what her ex was doing or guessing "Oh he's been to this pub a lot lately, let's go there!" But why? Do you think that will get him back? Do you want to get a rise out of him? "Well, no..." Right... Well clearly, there is some deranged reason as to why your ex is doing this. She might be doing these things to bother you, or it might just be because THEY get an excited rise out of it, or it might be for absolutely no reason at all. She might want to feel like she is all high and mighty and has power over you or your feelings. She might be doing things to get you to try and contact her, despite having blocked you. Just so she can turn around the be the same crazy person she has been. You already know, DON'T DO IT! Or she might just be doing these things simply because she can. It's just not worth it, stay away no matter how tough it may be. Breaking up over something on social media also shows the level of immaturity, insecurity and internal issues there. I've known girls and guys that do the same thing. We all know social media makes things like cheating easier, but anyone who will break up immediately without knowing the story, or not believing it, isn't worth it and has too many issues of their own. I recall a lovely commercial about "knowing the story" where it shows a girlfriend coming into the apartment and sees another woman walking around. She blows up on the boyfriend, and so on. Until he eventually says something like "Are you done? Because this is my sister." Perhaps she was searching for a reason to leave? Right now, she is definitely playing mind games. Just don't give in! I am only on day one of no contact, (long story short, I saw it coming and it was somewhat mutual) and I am still so heartbroken and so upset but I know it's what I have to do. I mean, I HAVE to. He blocked me on everything as well. I can relate to feeling alone. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and just started crying thinking of how I had no way to contact him and the idea of never waking up next to him again...it makes me sad right now. Even I don't believe things will get easier right now, but we all know, of course, they will eventually. You deserve so much better than what she is/has put you through especially with acting so bizarre after breaking it off. Just my two cents... 1
Author Avante91 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I went to the pub tonight, all her friends were there she wasn't. A mutual friend said she has been in hospital and seriously ill. I'm 8 days no contact and this news has seriously troubled me, I want to reach out and let her know I care but on the other hand she finished it and she has not been in touch so I'm doubtful she even needs me? What do I do... I'm so close to asking if she's okay but will this ruin my no contact? I want her back but I need to work on myself and she needs to miss me as she ended it. Why do I care? I came off my motorbike she didn't care I just hate how this surprise was put on me and I had no pre emted way to deal with it. I really love this girl. But I'm in conflict trying to respect her decision for a life without me, and balancing showing her I care. Please help LS you are always there for me in my darkest hour x
FixItCris Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 If she really cared or needed you, she would still be with you. Don't cave in man. Stick to NC, or you'll just be round in circles forever. 2
Author Avante91 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 If she really cared or needed you, she would still be with you. Don't cave in man. Stick to NC, or you'll just be round in circles forever. I'm so upset that she has been in hospital I feel like I should have reached out... But I know you are right if she really cared or needed me she would have got intouch to ask me to be there. I owe her nothing. But I'm still willing to give Her the world. I am so upset I need to stop drinking I need to stop caring why do I still give love when it is not reciprocated!!!!!! I am a mess I cannot go to work tomorrow I have been crying since I learnt she was ill. I can't see what was wrong as she has me blocked on everything. I just want her to be healthy and happy with or without me. Please help me how can I detach myself? X
FixItCris Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Unfortunately the only real answer is keep yourself busy, and give it time. It will suck, for a while. I'm 2 months after BU and 1 month NC, and it sucks. But I know ultimately it is the only way forward. If you look at it this way, She broke up with you, she hasn't contacted you, I'm sure you did all you could to let you know how much you cared about her when you were together, but all that wasn't enough for her. Don't waste your time on someone that isn't deserving of it. I know that seems impossible right now, but ****, Cry, scream, go completely mental if it makes you feel better, but leave her alone. It is her decision, she can deal with it. Who know's, maybe this is a karmic bitch-slap to her for not caring when you were hurt. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Stay NC. Pour out the hurt and dismay here. Talk to people who care about you. Allow yourself to feel all that you want to feel. You'll make it. 10+ months NC here. 1
Author Avante91 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I feel empty.. I feel a void... I miss the person I thought she was, not the person she has been since she broke up with me a month ago.. I feel like I have missed my duty to care for her to be there physically and emotionally..but she ended it she chose this. I'm worried that in her darkest hour I wasn't there, I don't know how severe her illness was I just know she was hospitalised for days. Maybe this is karma. I feel awful for saying it but she ended it over nothing and went so cold and horrible towards me. I'm not religious but I begged God to make he realise the pain I was enduring every day...maybe he has answered me and I feel guilty. I have drank alcohol so I'm sorry if I don't make sense it's the only way I can fall asleep and not have nightmares. I love LS so much. You people do not judge. You say it how it is and sometimes the truth hurts but I repsect the advice I recieve so much! I still love her.. I'm trying to let go... X
FixItCris Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Alcohol won't help, but it's a bit late to tell you that now You are allowed to have feelings man, you are human. You need to embrace them. Let them come out, it's the only way to get rid of them. The woman you love doesn't exist anymore. This is what i tell myself when things get hard for me. That person could never have done any of the things she did to me, so she must be gone. You haven't missed anything, except perhaps dodged a bullet. She chose to have a life without you in it. Now give it to her. LS is the best place to get it all out, everybody here has been through it all, one way or another.
SycamoreCircle Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I miss the person she was, too. She changed. She doesn't seem like the person I knew. She's 25. And an immature 25 at that, too. She will go through more changes before she becomes a fully realized adult. I can't control who she is or what she wants. I have to let go.
FixItCris Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 My ex was 38, I am 35, but she is still immature. You can't change anyone, you can't change the way they feel. You have to accept that the only power you have now, or have ever had, is the power to change yourself. Be the best you that you can be. It takes work, but sooner or later, you'll be so content with yourself that your ex won't even feature in your thoughts. And as an added bonus, if for any reason she tries to pry into what you're up to, she will see that you're kickin' ass just fine without her, and that is the best revenge there is. I know right now you don't want to think about the "without her" part. But she has made a choice. Love yourself as much as you loved the person she was.
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