Erised Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 The guy I adore that I mentioned before-- not ready to be in a relationship-- and I had a discussion. It was so hard for me to see the tears in his eyes. It held firm, though, in what makes no sense to me... that he's not ready to be in a relationship and won't be anytime soon. Because he's not happy with himself. This was so much harder than saying it was me. I begged for him to say it was me. Because this makes no sense to me. I have so many guys chasing after me, and hard. I always have. I feel mainly guilt there, even though I'm explicitly honest with them. I never want to hurt anyone. I'm drinking and wondering how to move forward. It feels so impossible at this point. I didn't even feel this way post my divorce (though there were different complications there.) The other guys want chances even knowing exactly where I'm at. However, last time I tried to go out with one, he kissed me at the end, and I ended up nauseated and vomiting the whole next day feeling as if I was cheating even though I wasn't. I told him this and he told me we should just be friends and remove all else. That he still wants me as a friend because I'm a wonderful person. It doesn't make sense. It's so stupid. I wish he had just said I don't do it for him. It would make it so much easier to move on. I keep worrying that he is depressed and I might be abandoning him when he needs me the most. I don't need tihngs to be easy. I don't need someone to offer me the world..... I'm fairly content in my own life. Except for this. This little bit. Sometimes I think continuing seeking the kind of complete and purely giving love I want is madness. And I don't know whether I should stay single, date casually, or go give a chance to one of the guys who have forsaken others, even knowing where I'm at, for a chance with me.. F*ed up cycle that is.
preraph Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Reading one of your earlier posts about him and his work situation, I think what you have here is the equivalent of a guy telling you, "You're too good for me. I'm not good enough for you." And I can tell you that when one says that, you better take it as gospel. There can be a million and one reasons for it that you have no control over. Low self-esteem, lack of ambition, hidden addiction, mental illness, childhood abuse, prison record, etc. If it turns out it's only his job situation, then he'll be around if he ever gets back on track -- but deep down, maybe he knows that simply won't happen. Do a background check online and see if there's anything there to know. He's hiding something. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Damn, I read your previous thread about this guy and you're right to walk away. The advice given on the previous thread was perfect... people do what they want to do. He doesn't want a relationship with you. If he was into you he wouldn't be encouraging you to go and date around. He may enjoy your company but that's as much as you're going to get from him. I ached when I read your 'I feel like he's worth waiting for, I would wait for somebody this special' sentence, I felt that way once before when I had a three/four month thing with a guy who had a girlfriend. Towards the end of the admittedly short fling, he was seesawing between 'I'm going to leave her' and 'I can't leave her' and I remember thinking... but I'll never find this chemistry and shared interests and love with anyone else, I'd rather wait for him than let him go and never find anyone else I feel this way about... I felt that way for about five minutes until I realised that there are ALWAYS better people out there. There will be many men out there you feel this way about, but it will feel so much more amazing with them because you'll have all of the greatness, but with additional feeling wanted, knowing he wants you to be with him, and is proud to be seen with you, planning for a future, and none of this horrible agonising crap you're going through where you want him so bad but just can't have him. I laugh now looking back that I thought my guy was such a catch, when he was a cheat. You'll laugh looking back that you thought this guy was such a catch when he is completely unwilling to commit to you and doesn't like you enough to want you to stop dating others. He encourages you to see other guys... does that not make you feel sick how little he feels for you? My advice would be you need to cut him off completely. No being 'friends' because you'll never get over him. You won't move on or feel any better, and you won't be free for the next amazing guy that comes along, not to mention that it wouldn't be fair to whoever else you date when you have such an obsession with this guy. Go no contact and you will start to heal... this advice works for someone trying to get over an affair partner, someone getting over a person they dumped, who dumped them, healing from a divorce, getting over being betrayed by a good friend. Cut him out of your life and you will start to feel better. But until you do that, you won't. And I'm sure you're in enough pain right now that you really, really want it to end right? Then make it. And by the way... him not wanting to have a relationship with you does NOT mean he's 'depressed'... sorry, that's just something your mind is making up to try give you reasons to justify staying in contact with him. Recognise that thinking for what it is. I didn't think I was ready for a relationship after I got hurt by my ex... I dated casually but felt strongly I wasn't in the right place for a relationship with anyone. Until my current boyfriend came along, and I thought woah, he's amazing... I can't pass this chance up. Let's start a relationship because I can't miss the chance to be with this guy. If this guy felt as strongly about you as you do him, you'd be celebrating your six month anniversary already. 2
Author Erised Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 And by the way... him not wanting to have a relationship with you does NOT mean he's 'depressed'.... No. He told me explicitly that he's depressed. I didn't assume him not wanting a relationship with me makes him depressed. If he said he just didn't want one with me because we are unsuitable, I'd feel so much better. That's why I asked him to please say that. He told me that wouldn't be honest. I really would prefer to see him happy with another girl at this juncture. It really sucked to see him cry. I know I need to go no contact. But I'm so worried about leaving him alone when so much is going on. It seems so cruel to do to somebody I care about. I've never needed to do this before.
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 No. He told me explicitly that he's depressed. I didn't assume him not wanting a relationship with me makes him depressed. If he said he just didn't want one with me because we are unsuitable, I'd feel so much better. That's why I asked him to please say that. He told me that wouldn't be honest. I really would prefer to see him happy with another girl at this juncture. It really sucked to see him cry. I know I need to go no contact. But I'm so worried about leaving him alone when so much is going on. It seems so cruel to do to somebody I care about. I've never needed to do this before. Some people are too cowardly to say outright 'I will never want to date you because I don't like you enough', so they say the kinda stuff this guy is saying. He's not ready, you should find someone better, blah blah. You don't need to hear him say that it's you not him, because it's irrelevant. He doesn't want a relationship with you, so you need to walk away for your sanity. Don't be daft and worry about leaving him 'alone' at this point, you're a girl he's been dating half a year. He has plenty of other people in his life to take care of him, friends, family, workmates I assume, they will all look out for him. You are flattering yourself if you think that he needs you around to stay happy or safe. I have to say, you sound a little bit like a martyr, like your gut response is to do everything you can for someone even if it's hurting you. It would really benefit you to develop stronger boundaries and not feel like you can't hurt or leave people if they're having a difficult time, when it's causing you problems. What do you think is going to happen when you go no contact? He'll survive just fine. If he needed you THAT much, he'd be your boyfriend because he wanted to keep you around. Sorry to be harsh but nobody ever benefits from being a doormat. 1
Author Erised Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) I have to say, you sound a little bit like a martyr, like your gut response is to do everything you can for someone even if it's hurting you.. Oh no, obviously I get enjoyment from the friendship too. It's not all about him. I do think you should do your best for other people. If everyone did, it would be a better world. But you're right that I'm probably not going to get over him if I remain in his life right now. I guess that's what I'm building up strength to do. Edited January 4, 2015 by Erised
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Oh no, obviously I get enjoyment from the friendship too. It's not all about him. I do think you should do your best for other people. If everyone did, it would be a better world. But you're right that I'm probably not going to get over him if I remain in his life right now. I guess that's what I'm building up strength to do. Do you honestly get enjoyment from the friendship? Because... I dunno, when people say that, in this situation, I'm never 100% convinced. Sure, you may get a slight amount of enjoyment from it, but surely it's tempered constantly by the ache of wanting what you can't have? It's like when I was with my ex, I obviously loved the friendship part as well as the lover part. But when we split, I knew I couldn't enjoy one while having the other taken away. So I let it all go and didn't try to be 'friends'. It's too painful. I agree with doing your best for others, trust me I do... I live my life by that. I do everything I can to support friends, family, strangers through voluntary work, clients through my job. But I still have that healthy line I think, where once someone hurts me or disrespects me badly, that's the end of me going outta my way to help when I'm getting hurt in the process. I think that line is very important or you end up a doormat. And you can't help others until you've taken care of yourself emotionally either. Good luck building up the strength. It doesn't have to take much. Start trying to look forward to it... look forward to the first day of the rest of your life when you've said goodbye and move on. As much as I've been hurt by love before, those first few painful days and weeks are still exhilarating in a way because you're finally free and can start to forget them. 1
Author Erised Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Do you honestly get enjoyment from the friendship? . I do. When we talk and see each other I'm not thinking about what I don't have. It feels perfect. It's only in the off times. It's really not a huge amount of pain - except RIGHT after the conversations and such (like last night when I posted) or when I'm turning down others and they are pointing out that I am in fact single and it occurs to me this makes no sense. Or when I try to cut things off entirely. That hurts. But, this is new for me. I didn't have to go no contact after any breakup in the past. As soon as they told me they weren't interested in me any longer, I was able to move on. (I guess hope makes the difference.) I guess I'm learning.
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