Scaatys2014 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Can't seem to be bothered to contact me for over 24 hours???? Am I just over thinking this?? He sends the most amazing messages: I love you I want everything with you I want you in my life....... The list goes on and on. maybe its me. He's going thru a separation right now and I'm being insecure? It feels awful mot knowing where he is and what he's doing! Is this behaviour normal? Why be SO intense with emotion then disappear? So frustrating!
hoping2heal Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Hold the phone 24 hours have passed without contact..but why is that a big deal? How long have you two been dating? Going through separation? Not sure he's even available right now.
spiderowl Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Best to pay attention to actions not words. Words are just fluff really. He wants to keep you hanging around, whether to be with you or not - who knows? I wouldn't hang around on the basis of words though. Who is he separating from? What proof do you have that he is actually separating? If he's married or in a long-term relationship he could string you along for months and never separate. It's worth reading the Other Man/Woman forum to see how this can happen. Sounds like he's not free to be in touch with you or does not need to be in touch. Do your needs match his?
Author Scaatys2014 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 We have known each other for a long time. His marriage was shaky for awhile and has finally progressed to this. When we are together, its fantastic. Actions are huge. he has kids and responsibilities, so I get it, but would it kill him to say hi??? Am I reading too much into it or should I really take it as a sign that I'm just an option and not really a priority? I care a lot about him but should I just walk away?
toscaroscura Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 His marriage ..snip... I care a lot about him but should I just walk away? He's married. YES, walk away. 2
Diezel Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Separated is just another word for "still married". If it were a Fakebook status, it'd say "It's complicated". 3
preraph Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I've been with three men in separations. They have bigger fish to fry. Their emotions are in total turmoil. They have legal and practical matters to tend to. Most of them are still seeing their wife. Two of the three I went through it with said they couldn't imagine never sleeping with their wife again and got kind of panicky when I brought it up as if they'd never thought of it that way before, no matter whose idea it was to divorce. They still need time alone to deal with what they're going through. They still have to divide possessions. Anytime they divide possessions, it is sad and emotional and usually this is when a momentary reconciliation can occur, because of the memories it brings up. You cannot ask for exclusivity or commitment from a separated man. It's just physically impossible for them to do that. They must see her some. They must untangle their finances for months to come and cooperate about doing taxes together months from then. They must deal with insurance policies as they expire. By the time one of my separated exes was dealing with the end of it and the final divorce we had been broken up a few months and then started working together, so I saw the full cycle. We were sharing an office when his nearly ex-wife came in to deal with the insurance policy. They stood and looked at the window together as this was the last detail to clean up before he divorce was final. Luckily, she and I were always civil and she didn't blame me or other women for anything. They outgrew each other. When she left, he turned to me and half-joked "So who should I put as my beneficiary -- you?" He was pretty lost. It was sad. She would come to any big parties he had for years to come. They would always go somewhere quiet and talk. They were not enemies. They just went their separate ways. I was insecure too. Dating a separated or recently divorced man is hard no matter what. If you make a big fuss, your little problems are really small in his eyes compared to his own big divorce, so use restraint and try to be calm. Good luck.
Author Scaatys2014 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 He has been the one to reach out, I have left him alone and have made it abundantly clear that I don't want to get involved until he is single. He has been the one holding on and I have appreciated the constant affirmation of his feelings. I'm just feeling uneasy with this lapse in communication. I suppose its true, he can tell me he loves me all ne wants, but, where IS he??? Walk away.... as hard as it is.
bachdude Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I've been with three men in separations. They have bigger fish to fry. Their emotions are in total turmoil. They have legal and practical matters to tend to. Most of them are still seeing their wife. Two of the three I went through it with said they couldn't imagine never sleeping with their wife again and got kind of panicky when I brought it up as if they'd never thought of it that way before, no matter whose idea it was to divorce. They still need time alone to deal with what they're going through. They still have to divide possessions. Anytime they divide possessions, it is sad and emotional and usually this is when a momentary reconciliation can occur, because of the memories it brings up. You cannot ask for exclusivity or commitment from a separated man. It's just physically impossible for them to do that. They must see her some. They must untangle their finances for months to come and cooperate about doing taxes together months from then. They must deal with insurance policies as they expire. By the time one of my separated exes was dealing with the end of it and the final divorce we had been broken up a few months and then started working together, so I saw the full cycle. We were sharing an office when his nearly ex-wife came in to deal with the insurance policy. They stood and looked at the window together as this was the last detail to clean up before he divorce was final. Luckily, she and I were always civil and she didn't blame me or other women for anything. They outgrew each other. When she left, he turned to me and half-joked "So who should I put as my beneficiary -- you?" He was pretty lost. It was sad. She would come to any big parties he had for years to come. They would always go somewhere quiet and talk. They were not enemies. They just went their separate ways. I was insecure too. Dating a separated or recently divorced man is hard no matter what. If you make a big fuss, your little problems are really small in his eyes compared to his own big divorce, so use restraint and try to be calm. Good luck. Oh, it isn't necessarily this complicated! I'm not saying to date guys that are going through a separation but each situation is different. When I got separated, by the time the separation occurred, the relationship was dead and I was flying out the door. A lot of my "moving on" occurred while we were still married because I had stayed much too long. The assets were divided easily and I adjusted fairly quickly after I moved out. It helped we didn't have any children, though.
Author Scaatys2014 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Thank you beachdude, it was the same for me. I stayed too long in a loveless marriage so leaving was easy for me. He has talked to me about things and it sounds as if he isn't too broken up about his separation either. They had been having issues for awhile and neither were happy. I'm trying to be optimistic. I still think guarding my heart is first priority. As much as I love him, easier to walk now than get further invested.
bachdude Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Thank you beachdude, it was the same for me. I stayed too long in a loveless marriage so leaving was easy for me. He has talked to me about things and it sounds as if he isn't too broken up about his separation either. They had been having issues for awhile and neither were happy. I'm trying to be optimistic. I still think guarding my heart is first priority. As much as I love him, easier to walk now than get further invested. You know, I had a relationship that started during my separation and it lasted 3 years. It was one of the best relationships I ever had even though it violated a lot of the rules set forth on this forum! 1
Author Scaatys2014 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Bachdude, do you mind if I ask...... did you get into the 3 yr relationship as a band aid to forget the marriage/separation? 3 yrs is a substantial time but did it make the transition easier?
bachdude Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) Bachdude, do you mind if I ask...... did you get into the 3 yr relationship as a band aid to forget the marriage/separation? 3 yrs is a substantial time but did it make the transition easier? It may have been partially as a band aid at first. But whatever the motivation, we became very close. Yes, it did make the transition easier. We were really there for each other and the relationship just grew into a very warm, loving, supportive relationship that had a profound effect on me. Edited January 4, 2015 by bachdude
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