music_and_poetry Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Hey All, I'm going to admit it. I'm really depressed and I need help. These past few days I've barely left my room. I'm sleeping late and I just feel really sad. There's a guy... he's my best friend, we were hooking up and doing the FWB thing but I caught feelings and apparently he said he'll never see me "that way" because I'm his friend and his pal. I started NC yesterday and I just feel lousy. He was the person I talked to about EVERYTHING. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. I don't want to lose him as a friend but I know he's talking to other girls that's just going to drive me crazy to hear about them and meet them. I tried reaching out to friends for support. My best girl friend lives in Florida (I'm in NJ) and she's super busy with work and her kids. I tried to hit up other friends to find things to do but everyone was busy this weekend. There were people I couldn't hit up because they're friends with the guy I'm trying to avoid. I went to my belly dance class today and that was about the best I felt all day (I was focused and distracted) but now all I want to do is mope. I was going to try cleaning, working out, or getting work stuff done but I can't bring myself to do any of it. Please help me figure out ways to cope with this because I feel really depressed and sad right now
flightplan Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I was best friends with my ex for 15+ years before we decided to be in a relationship. It was the best relationship I've ever had in all my years, and don't regret a thing, but it didn't last. It was heartbreaking to let her go, but I had to, because I knew I could no longer be friends after the b/u. Not because of any anger toward her, she just no longer fit into my future. Your not going to find a quick fix to stop your pain but I can tell you what I did, that turned it around for me. I did a lot of soul searching, a lot of reading and alone time. I'm back to myself after a year ultimately accepting the idea that I am not my thoughts, but the observer of my thoughts. Here are some tips based on The Untethered Soul. It's deep stuff and may not be what you want to hear, but it'll bring you a lifetime of lasting peace if you put in the work: 1. Realize that you are in there. You must first come to realize that you are in there. From deep inside, you are experiencing this world. You are experiencing your physical body, your thoughts, and your emotions. You are conscious and you are experiencing what it is like to be human. 2. Realize that you are not okay in there. Look to see what's going on inside. If you want to understand why you've done everything you have ever done, if you want to see what's really going on, just observe your mind and emotions--just experi*ence your inner state. If you objectively look, you will see that you are never completely at peace. You will see that you are not okay in there. 3. Realize that you're always trying to be okay. At any point when you look at the state of your inner being, you will see that something is bothering you. You will then notice that this causes urges, drives, and impulses to do something about it. You will find yourself constantly trying to either get something or avoid something. All of this is done in an attempt to be okay. 4. Realize that your mind has taken on the job of figuring out how everything needs to be for you to be okay. If you watch, you will see that your mind is always telling you what you should and should not do, what others should and should not do, and how things should and should not be. All of this is the mind's attempt to first create a conceptual model of what would make you okay, and then try to get the outside world to match it. 5. Realize that the process of defining how the outside needs to be is not going to make you okay. You must seriously look at this process of trying to be okay. You've been at it your entire life--you've just tried different things at different times. While it's true that sometimes you manage to make it better for short periods of time, you know that you've never even come close to reaching a state of permanent peace. Watch very closely how you react to the things your mind has preferences about. You will see that if your mind gets what it wants, you feel joy; if it doesn't get what it wants, you feel disturbance. Likewise, when your mind experiences what it doesn't want, you feel disturbance, and when it avoids what it doesn't want, you feel relief. You will never be okay playing this game because the world will never match the conceptual model your mind has made up. Eventually, you will come to see that struggling to be okay does not work. At some point, you will try to find a different way to be okay in there. 6. Learn to not participate in the mind's struggle to be okay. This step is about learning to sit in the witness, the part of you that notices the inner urges to be okay. You must become comfortable with sitting in there and not participating in the inner energies. You learn to relax in the midst of them. You come to see that there is a habitual process in which the moment you feel inner disturbance, you are drawn into doing something about it. You must learn to sit inside and not participate in this process. If you truly understand that going outside to try to be okay inside doesn't work, then you'll be willing to sit inside and simply allow the disturbance to pass through. It is not difficult. If you can do this, all disturbance will cease by itself. 7. Learn to go about your life just like everyone else, except that nothing you do is for the pur*pose of trying to be okay. If you aren't so preoccupied with trying to be okay, you will be free to sit inside and quietly love, serve, and honor whatever naturally unfolds in front of you. When you reach this point, you are no longer living for yourself. You are interacting with life, but not for the purpose of being okay. 8. As you sincerely let go of the inner energies you are watching, you begin to feel a deeper energy come in from behind. Up to this point, everything you were watching inside was in front of you. But now that you are no longer being drawn into those personal energies, you'll realize that your inner universe is actually very expansive. You will begin to feel Spirit flow in from behind. It lifts you and brings you great love and joy. 9. Your inner experience becomes so beautiful that you fall in love with the energy itself, and you develop a very deep and personal relationship with it. It will become completely clear to you that there is an absolute trade-off between your personal ener*gies and the amount of Spirit that you feel. The more you get drawn into your personal energies, the less Spirit you feel. The more you don't participate in your personal energies, the more Spirit you feel. You now have a direct relationship with the spiritual energy, and you will find yourself constantly longing to experience it. 10. You begin to feel the energy pulling you up into it, and your entire path becomes letting go of yourself in order to merge. Will is no longer needed. Now your path is strictly about releasing yourself into the pull of the higher energy. You must surrender deeply enough to be able to overcome the fear of losing your connection to the personal self. You must to be willing to die to be reborn. 11. Once you get far enough back into the energy, you realize that your personal life can go on without you, leaving you free to become immersed in Spirit. This is the greatest miracle: You've surrendered and your entire life is about Spirit, yet people, places, and things continue to interact with you. The difference is that these interactions require none of your energy. They happen naturally, by themselves, leaving you at peace and absorbed in Spirit. 12. Now you are truly okay and nothing inside or outside of you can cause disturbance--you have come to peace with it all. Because you are now completely okay, you don't need anything. Things just are what they are. At this point, you know yourself as Self. The world, mind, and heart cannot disturb you. You've transcended them all. What is more, instead of feeling drawn into Spirit, you now actually experience yourself as Spirit. You have no boundaries in time or space. You have always existed and you will always exist. You have no form, shape, gender, or body. You simply are, have always been, and will always be--Infinite Spirit.
dyna85 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 What I find to be helpful: - reading - writing - perusing the love shack boards - listening to music - crying - venting in writing or to those who will listen - maintaining nc (breaking it will not feel good, no matter how you try to spin it) - working out (as you've done) - organizing things/cleaning (force yourself to do it..trust me, it helps) - insert any distracting activity here>> I would say try to at least do a few things each day to distract yourself, and slowly but surely you'll notice progress. Distractions are an important part of the healing process. I know the feeling of not being able to bring yourself to get out of bed and/or off the computer, but at some point you gotta get off your butt and do something. For me, one of the first things I did that had a decent impact was going to a nearby park and taking walks. I sobbed as I walked, while listening to some sad love song music, and found it to be so incredibly therapeutic. Also, sometimes it helps to vocalize your thoughts if you're in a quiet space where no one will hear you, just talk it out as you would a friend. Crying it out to some sad or uplifting music really really helps. Whatever you do, don't break nc if you truly want to move on and if you feel tempted, bring up a word doc and write every thought that comes to mind. Every day nc is a step in the right direction. Good luck. You can do this! You're a strong person! 1
Itspointless Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Hi music_and_poetry I am sorry things did not work out for you, as I remember some really uplifting posts by you in September I think. This isn't about the guy you met back than, isn't it? By the way, how is your new job? Dyna85 her list is great as it says everything I wanted to mention. For me listening to music, especially the things I listened a lot when feeling really bad can bring back those feelings. It actually gives me the opportunity to go through these emotions (my mind is great at stuffing away). Writing is also good as it forces to get more insight in the what and the why. I also like how she added the organizing things/cleaning. I agree, with organizing and cleaning you take some control in your life. Often organizing your external environment gives space for internal movement and cleaning. Unfortunately thinking of writing and cleaning also makes me procrastinate.
dyna85 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Itspointless...agree 100% with everything you wrote. Unfortunately thinking of writing and cleaning also makes me procrastinate. Lol...so true too.
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