TeleBlues86 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) I'm really looking for some honest opinions and thoughts on my situation. For a quick backstory, I'm 28 turning 29 and have spent the last five or six years putting my life together at all costs...sadly, that meant giving up a lot of time and focusing on things other than myself. When I was ready and established with my career, I made the decision to move to a large college town/growing small city as a way to get away from my job(rural area with no true cities or vibrant communities near by) and start building a social life again. I'm pretty much set with my career and good with finances, bought a little house and spent a year remodeling it to be something fun and unique, bought the car and truck that I had wanted, started exploring my music hobbies again, etc...I couldn't be happier to be honest, except that I feel like I wasted way too much time socially in order to achieve all of this. It's very much a catch 22, and I would never suggest to anybody else out there reading this and doubting themselves over their careers to toss away time and life experiences like I did just to establish yourselves. But I'm starting to date again, and I'm having a bit of a problem: Women in their late 20s/early 30s basically aren't lining up with my life goals at all. I'm looking to travel and explore the world, enjoy life, have fun through experiences/people/hobbies, and not really settle down anytime soon as far as marriage or family life. I've yet to date somebody from the mentioned age group lately who hasn't straight asked me about marriage or kids on the first or second date...I just want to know what music they listen to and what their favorite color is, not talk about planning kids with somebody that I just met. It's always a very stiff and off-putting experience that feels more like an interview and note a date... Then on the opposite side, I can't do anything without being approached by younger girls 21+. If I go to a bar, club, concert, or just dancing with friends; I get swarmed on. I never approach these younger girls at all, they always just come right up to me. I always talk to them for a while or give them a quick dance to be nice, but then I head back off to my friends afterwards and never really bother. I'm honestly starting to feel bad about it and have started to wonder why I'm being so apprehensive considering what dating has been like with girls closer to my age. Considering who I am, what I've done, where I'm at now, and that I basically have absolutely nothing to hide; am I honestly being stupid by not dating younger and giving it a shot? I'd really like some responses from both guys and girls alike on all of this, because the opportunity is there all the time with myself being the only real problem. I'm thinking more and more that it's probably what I should be doing. Thoughts? Edited January 3, 2015 by TeleBlues86
chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) Have you thought about moving to a major, preferably coastal city? As a 28-year-old woman in one of the USA's biggest cities I can attest to millions of single women who are career-driven but interested in travel, art, and getting out rather than settling down. A large city would also help your chances by sheer numbers alone. College towns are generally not a good place to date unless you're under 25 or over 65. As for asking about marriage and kids on early dates, I don't think that should always be seen as off-putting; by the time they're nearing 30 most people know what they want from a relationship. When I was single I made a point of asking about children very early on because I can't conceive (and don't want to). For some men that's an absolute dealbreaker and I didn't want to waste their time. If you don't want to move, you can go ahead and date younger people, but having similar goals doesn't necessarily mean having similar perspectives or maturity levels. But it might be worth your while to seek out an environment with more people who share your values. PS: If a date told me he wanted to talk about my favorite color I would be tempted to ask for the check. Edited January 3, 2015 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ 1
Chief Wiggum Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 You can't have your cake and eat it, dude. The care-free, music-loving fun girls you want? They're the early-20 girls you're rejecting. Whereas the late-20, early-30 girls have already experienced the stuff you're now seeking, and want to settle down.
aggie382 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 You can't have your cake and eat it, dude. The care-free, music-loving fun girls you want? They're the early-20 girls you're rejecting. Whereas the late-20, early-30 girls have already experienced the stuff you're now seeking, and want to settle down. That's not true at all! I'm 30 and in the same shoes as the OP. I'm not ready to settle down, and am still in an exploratory travel fun time of my life, and most of my girlfriends who are my age are in the same place. Perhaps later in her 30's a woman is more likely to want to settle down, but many of us are just starting our careers now and not quite ready to grow roots.
aggie382 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Also, I don't think you should ask about marriage and kids right away. If a guy asks me that early on, I get nervous and run away. I think your better option is to just share yourself and tell them what you're looking for and where you are in life right now. If that doesn't work for her, she'll tell you or just move on. But if she shares your views like I do, she'll say me too!!!
Chief Wiggum Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 That's not true at all! I'm 30 and in the same shoes as the OP. I'm not ready to settle down, and am still in an exploratory travel fun time of my life, and most of my girlfriends who are my age are in the same place. Perhaps later in her 30's a woman is more likely to want to settle down, but many of us are just starting our careers now and not quite ready to grow roots. It is true for me. The OP too, it seems. My female friends, and guys for that matter, graduated by the time they were 22/23, did their exploring and traveling up until around 24/25 at the absolute latest, and then were focused in their careers by 26/27. And they're the ones who've left it late. Whereas the others -- like myself and my current GF -- invested in their careers immediately and at 27-30 are either already settled, or are eagerly looking to.
Author TeleBlues86 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Yeah...that was me right out of school, I just went straight into "work my ass off" mode and made making/saving money my priority. It's odd, but during that stretch it sort of made me wake up to the idea that life is way too short to really do that to yourself. It's sort of ironic, but I definitely now feel like I don't NEED to get married or NEED to have kids. I'm sort of positioned to be happy with my hobbies and overall life to where I don't want to intentionally seek out something like marriage just to do it like so many other people. This whole process has sort of reworked how I feel about everything from people to expectations. I'm pretty much glued to my career as-is due to job security and really do like where I live now though. I just can't figure out the dating half, and I wonder if my problem is most likely with not taking a chance on somebody younger. As for my dating comments, that was more of a quip about people seeming to lose sight of what dating even is when they hit that late 20s/early 30s quarterlife crisis stage. For most of the women I've tried dating, it's all definitely more of a chore and a process as compared to just spending time with somebody and getting to know them. It's like the pressure to get a ring, throw a big wedding, and have kids is overshadowing the idea that you should be having fun and enjoying yourself with the other person whom you don't even know yet. It's not a business arrangement, it's a date. ...and that should be the fun part of it all, actually getting to know the other person inside and out. I definitely don't feel like any of that is even a priority with those that I've dated lately. Scratch that, I KNOW that none of that is even a priority with those that I've dated lately. It always feels like they're just trying to find somebody acceptable to slot into their timeline of wants/needs related to life expectations...nothing wrong with that, but it's just really off-putting to me and feels like they're losing touch with what happiness even is. I don't get that impression at all from the younger girls that I keep avoiding, it's way more about genuine interest from them.
Author TeleBlues86 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Also, I don't think you should ask about marriage and kids right away. If a guy asks me that early on, I get nervous and run away. I think your better option is to just share yourself and tell them what you're looking for and where you are in life right now. If that doesn't work for her, she'll tell you or just move on. But if she shares your views like I do, she'll say me too!!!I think that has more to do with the fact that you live in Austin and are probably too relaxed for any of that I love that city/its people and almost moved there myself out of college. But I want to hide in a hole whenever kids come up right off the start. It's just a weird thing to drop on somebody who you've just met. You need to actually build a relationship over time before marriage or kids even begins to make sense, you can't just look for it randomly through strangers who you're not even sure that you've compatible with yet. "Way too soon"
Author TeleBlues86 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 You can't have your cake and eat it, dude. The care-free, music-loving fun girls you want? They're the early-20 girls you're rejecting. Whereas the late-20, early-30 girls have already experienced the stuff you're now seeking, and want to settle down. I just don't know if I should travel that road, you know? I don't want to be "that guy"...hell, I don't even know if it's really that big of a deal. Is it that big of a deal or am I just being an idiot? I'm definitely passing up on my fair share of opportunities over this and they definitely don't mind.
welshbambi Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Well, as a single gal in her early 30s, I know what I want from the right relationship. That's not to say that I will tar any guy I go on more than 2 dates with with a "father of my future kids tag", but I don't also want to waste time falling in love with someone who doesn't have the same goals as me. So I just see it as good sense to lay that out there early on. It's just practical. Also, for women who have hit their 30s and want kids but haven't yet, well really you can along estimate a max of 10 years more fertile years. Guys have the potential to make a baby as long as they can get it up. Women not so much. So my possibly slightly neurotic fear and thought processess go something like this: I'm 31 now, 32 in 6 months if it takes me a year to meet someone and get a relationship started, then I'll be 33. then ideally uou want about 2 years as a couple to make sure you are a good match, live together, travel a bit and generally just have fun together so then I would be 35. then we decide to start trying for a baby. Might take a year because your getting on and all those hormonal contraceptives might have knackered your naturAl fertility. Now I'm 36, possibly 37. Maybe even 38 before the first child is born. Illogical female brain declares must get impregnated ASAP. Hope that helps. Give the younger girls a try because you never know, but either way you might need to adjust your expectations slightly or commit to being a bachelor.
aggie382 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I think that has more to do with the fact that you live in Austin and are probably too relaxed for any of that I love that city/its people and almost moved there myself out of college. But I want to hide in a hole whenever kids come up right off the start. It's just a weird thing to drop on somebody who you've just met. You need to actually build a relationship over time before marriage or kids even begins to make sense, you can't just look for it randomly through strangers who you're not even sure that you've compatible with yet. "Way too soon" Lol I need to change my city because so many people make judgments based on where I live now instead of where I'm actually from. I'm from the Northeast, a pretty big, Type A city.
Noproblem Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) I hate this genralization not every girl who is 21 or so looking for fun and parties and not every girl who is 31 or so looking for settling down and not traveling or having fun There are different girls and women out there There is no special recipe or age You can get the right woman for you you just have to look a lot harder and Excuse me you are just 28 why do you think you threw your life away? I mean really? You have everything anyone wants you are still young why are you so disappointed? You just have to go with the flows and see where it takes you And FYI: People don't get their perfect friend in their lover! maybe less 1% get that privilge most people get someone they love but they are different from them this is the normal the abnormal is to see someone you really like and he or she enjoys the same things you like or care about! it has nothing to do with you age right now people have to accept their partner even when they know they don't enjoy the same food city or life style but seems like what you are looking for right now is a friend a friend who can enjoy life with you without being so boring or guarded Edited January 4, 2015 by Noproblem 1
Author TeleBlues86 Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Lol I need to change my city because so many people make judgments based on where I live now instead of where I'm actually from. I'm from the Northeast, a pretty big, Type A city. ...you can switch places with me, I love that city to death
Chief Wiggum Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 ...and that should be the fun part of it all, actually getting to know the other person inside and out. I definitely don't feel like any of that is even a priority with those that I've dated lately. Scratch that, I KNOW that none of that is even a priority with those that I've dated lately. It always feels like they're just trying to find somebody acceptable to slot into their timeline of wants/needs related to life expectations...nothing wrong with that, but it's just really off-putting to me and feels like they're losing touch with what happiness even is. I don't get that impression at all from the younger girls that I keep avoiding, it's way more about genuine interest from them. I feel your pain. I truly do.
Chief Wiggum Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I just don't know if I should travel that road, you know? I don't want to be "that guy"...hell, I don't even know if it's really that big of a deal. Is it that big of a deal or am I just being an idiot? I'm definitely passing up on my fair share of opportunities over this and they definitely don't mind. Not a big deal at all. In fact, you deserve it. By the sounds of things you've been sensible and working pretty hard your entire adult life. You've put yourself in a pretty comfortable position and should be allowed to enjoy it for the next few years while you can. 29 is still a young age, and so there's nothing wrong with you having fun with the younger girls. Do it. Get it out of your system. And when you eventually get bored of it and do want to settle down, you'll be at an age where it wouldn't be a problem finding another girl at similar cross-roads. 1
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