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Is my friend being inappropriate towards the guy I like, knowing we had a thing?

Zombre

By Zombre
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Zombre Member

Zombre

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LadyLuck I had those same thoughts later on today about his remarks unfortunately.

 

I do know why in the back of my mind. I said in that last post it was probably just for sex.

 

I reckon. He hanging out with me after just made the whole situation confusing. As I have never been in this type of situation before.

 

No. I barely contact him at all as it is. Well have not initiated anything lately, at all this year. He was the one that invited me out last night, with my other friend. I don't chase men. Being in this type of situation is just another disappointing reminder why I don't.

Edited by Zombre
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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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No I can't have it both ways. I think I will end up telling him how I feel. Maybe.

 

No maybe about it. Speak up so everyone knows where they stand. No one can read your mind, nor is it fair to expect them to.

 

I know he is not ready for a relationship. He mentioned it the first night we all hung out to all of us. That is why I am hesitant in saying anything. That was why I was so surprised when he made a move on me the night we hung out on our own. I already had a bit of a crush on him. I was kind of hoping something would happen. Not expecting anything but we ended up going to far with it. Forehead slap

 

Consider this: he may not be ready for a relationship *with you*. Sex? Sure, if you're willing and he's willing. He may have decided that it's best to keep you in the friend zone and to keep looking for someone who strikes his fancy a little more effectively.

 

I actually would prefer him to keep us as friends and find someone else.

 

prepare yourself for it not working out that way.

 

I can't help how I feel about him as well.

 

True, but you can help what actions you engage in behind those feelings.

 

No she knows I like him and want to try pursue him if I am able to. So feel bad I had to set boundaries because I am not one to tell people who they can and can't date.

 

Again, mixed messages. Two sentences above you said:

I actually would prefer him to keep us as friends and find someone else.

Which is it?

 

But a true friend should respect another friends feelings and not even try I think. I feel like I sound immature saying that but that is what I have always thought.

 

But you said you would prefer to just be his friend and if he decides he wants to pursue her and she knows that you would prefer to only be his friend, then she's not really going to see why she should discourage the intimate attentions of a guy she's attracted to just because you slept with him and decided that you'd prefer to remain friends with him. You can't have it both ways, dear.

 

It is weird how I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of them to getting together, but okay with him dating others. Must have something to do with the paragraph above.

 

I think you should try to give up trying to control this situation and realize it is what it is. If you want something meaningful with a guy, it'd be best to not have sex with him before you've decided how you feel about him because now, you're bound to him and don't really know what you feel about him: friend or boyfriend.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Noticed just now she tried to get me to stay at her place tonight cause he is picking us up. She goes "just so he does not have to do 2 trips" I only live 10

minutes away from her! I bet any money she will rub that back in my face tonight to try make me look bad.

 

We have been texting then She asked "are you on your own?" I replied to everything else but that. I was on my own. Just to see how she would react. She rings me. Then invites herself along to the beach.

 

I decide to leave after that.

 

I hate how she is being this way with me because I don't normally act this way.

 

I used to be more placid with things but now won't let people walk all over me. I was testing her a little there. Not sure what to make of that...

 

So there really is more to this relationship with this friend than you're letting on. You have a rivalry/competition for men's attention going on with her. Is this the first time you two have butted heads over a guy like this?

 

If things are on the up and up between friends, you don't go around setting traps and tests for them.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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Posted (edited)

 

He says he does not think we are compatible because he had kids.

 

He went on about how if we do hang out not to read into anything because he has dealt with that before and it just caused miss understandings.

 

Then there it is.

 

You say you're cool with the kids, but are you really cool with always being behind them in priority? They come first before everyone else in his life until either he remarries or they're off to college. All plans with him take place after the children, so there will be plenty of weeks where you two will not see one another for stretches of time because he's busy rearing his children.

 

I just am a little confused as to why he even bothered to make a move in the first place. Feel silly for even thinking something was there. Know he was probably just after sex.

 

Because you both were willing to go there. It's that simple. Sex is not a contract for future delivery on one's emotional expectations. It was just "good sex".

 

And yes that catch phrase rears it's ugly head in this situation 'He Is Not That Into a You' I just really like him and not even sure if I can handle him being out with other girls.

 

But a few posts earlier, you said you could deal with him being out with other girls as long as it wasn't your friend.

 

I keep thinking we will be great together. I have a lot to offer someone and a decent girl. We have (had) great sex, even he has told me that. Apparently I am a good kisser to. Get along well. Obviously like each other. Shrugs.

 

Having sex before having an understanding that you both want the same thing out of one another leads to this: bonding prematurely when your interaction cannot support the expectations that arise from having sex too soon.

 

You may have a lot to offer someone, but this guy isn't that someone and he's told you as much. He just may be one of those men who isn't going to bring a woman he could easily get into bed home to be the step mother to his children. He may be thinking that you do this with guys you meet, even if you say you don't. I mention this because you say:

 

Have never been in a situation where I had sex with a guy, like this and stayed friends with him.

 

Unless I'm reading that wrong, you might want to change your tack if you want different results. He's probably thinking that he didn't have to do any work to win you. Now that he got what he was after, he wants to move on to another challenge.

 

Just gotta work out if I can handle still being friends with him or not.

 

You may be well served to put your feelings for him on ice and work on getting past him. Time and distance may be necessary for you to move on.

 

In the future: own your voice, speak up for what you want. You will avoid all of this confusion and misunderstanding. If someone is scared off by what you have to say, then they aren't worth having around or investing time in. You have to look out for your own best interests, not theirs, especially when you barely know them.

Edited by kendahke
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Zombre Member

Zombre

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Posted (edited)

Kendahke

 

I have spoken to both he and my friend about it. Apparently they agree that it will make things more complicated if they go there and don't want to ruin any friendships.

 

I have considered that. I have seen that movie He Is Not That Into You. He already had said that the first night he met us girls (there was 3 of us, including me) that he was not after a relationship.

 

I meant that I think it will be better for everyone in the situation if the guy looked elsewhere for sex. Not with us girls.

 

He and I were only supposed to be Friends with Benefits to begin with. We then started hanging out during the day as well (that did not involve sex) and that is what confused me and made me start to develop feelings for him. I ended up having to stop it. He did at the same time. He did not want to complicate friendships. I still like him. It sux it turned out this way.

 

I still get a confused about the situation because it still seems like he likes me. Have never been friends with someone I have had sex with like this, so there is a little explanation there for you regarding that.

 

I know what to expect with guys with kids and yes, know they come first. If I like someone and already know about it and know the kids (even better) then I am fine with it. I should have explained a bit more I know what that involves. It probably would have been a waste of time though.

 

As far as I know there is nothing going on between he and my friend.

 

Knowing what my friend is like with men though makes me suspicious of her a little. She is one of those girls that can't handle being single. Every time she and I are out. She needs to pick up. She focuses her whole night on that. It is worse when she drinks. I don't like her at all when she does. She only thinks of herself and takes whatever she wants no matter what and that is what worries me.

 

I am not like that when I go out. I go out to enjoy the company of Friends I am with. If I do bonus. If not still a good night out.

 

Another friend mentioned to me she pointed out a guy she liked while we were out one night. The friend ends up chatting to him then goes back and tells my friend he is not after anything serious and that she got his number.

 

Most the people she meets are through me. I am the one who invites her out. We met this guy on a night out. I invited her out on.

 

I was talking about how I had a thing for this guy to our other friends (who she met through me to). A week later before I slept with him. Then she pulls out his number saying she got it to. I was like WTF? I did not feel the need to brag about having his number either. He gave it to both of us. His main purpose that night was to meet friends. That was why he came over and started chatting to us when he met us apparently.

 

I know we are all single and I may sound a bit immature saying this but I have always thought there was this unspoken rule between friends, that if someone is interested in someone the other should respect that. Sisters before misters so to speak. I have never had another female friend like her before, when it comes to men.

Edited by Zombre
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hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

Posted
Posted
Could he develop feelings if I stay friends with him? I just hate how this situation has turned out for me right now...

 

Zombre,

 

based on his commentary of "if we do hang I don't want there to be any missunderstandings, I've had that happen before..."

 

He is telling you that he is not interested and there is not going to be a future and he doesn't want you thinking there could be, just because he wants to spend time with you as his friend. So perhaps he has "been there, done that" with getting physical with female friends and gone down this road before.

 

He's not interested and he seemed to want to give you the most polite explanations he could, not wanting to hurt your feelings or make you feel inadequate. He brought up the kid thing...you explained how it doesn't bother you and you're fine with it, so he brings up something else. Having great sex doesn't mean you want a full out relationship.

 

I do think being his wing man will be too much for you though - you aren't going to like seeing him with other women, and eventually someone who he is interested in dating. It's nice that he's decided your friend is off limits because of the friendship the two of you have. Seeing as how you knew one another 20+ years, would that really have been worth it to throw away over one guy who doesn't see you as more than friend material?

 

Also, no point in beating yourself up. Some things cannot be explained. A person can have great qualities and that little magic spark just fails to ignite. It is not anyone's fault or shortcoming, least of all yours.

 

The good here is you now know you will never be a romantic interest to this guy and you don't have to spend your time analyzing over what every move or word he says must mean; he's made it perfectly clear when he said he wants no misunderstandings when you hang out.

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Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

Posted
Posted

This is a guy you and your friends just recently met!! He sure is causing a lot of drama among you, why is he so important in your friendships when he is a new person in your circle? Sounds like he might not be bringing much positive besides your one night of fun sex! I think you and your friend should just ditch him and pretend like he never showed up!

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Zombre Member

Zombre

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Hoping2Heal

 

Yes I had that feeling. The funny thing was. He had been telling us girls a week ago. He can't do that. The night after he and I slept together. Not have a serious thing. That he was a romantic, normally. I think that was a crock of ****. That really pissed me off and hurt me. Said that to him and he tells me (well said that kind of hurt) "we are still hanging out together. I do not think that that was considered a one night stand. It still felt like a one night stand to me.

 

I hate how this whole thing turned out. Originally I had no intention on sleeping with him. I just wanted to kiss cause I had a thing for him but kind of got carried away being caught up in the moment. There definitely was a mutual attraction there and yes do know that, just because we have/had that. It does not mean we will end up together.

 

He has and appreciate that he has not left me wondering. At least he gave me that. Still hate what he did though and no I do not think I could handle the wing man thing as well. Thought about that. It would hurt. Again.

 

Well if my friend can keep her labido in check when he and her go out and drink. Then she won't be loosing a 20 year old friendship.

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Zombre Member

Zombre

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Rejected Rosebud

 

I agree! I have barely contacted him this year because I do not chase men. I also think he is being to smooth for someone who apparently has not slept with that many girls. Suspicious of how he knew the right words to say when I had a go at him for his actions and words not matching up.

 

Search129

 

Maybe you should tell that to my friend as well.

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Zombre Member

Zombre

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I ended up ending the friendship with him. Felt bad about it but felt like it was the right thing for me to do for myself.

 

He understood why I did it and mentions that he knows I will find what I am after because he thinks I am a cool chick. Apologised if he ever hurt me to. He never meant to.

 

Feeling pretty bummed but empowered after doing that. That was so hard to do.

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irishguy Established Member

irishguy

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Posted

It was for best , it would have been to hard for you to continue as friends .

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Zombre Member

Zombre

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His loss to be honest. I was really genuine with him. Never messed him around. We were on the same wave length, had lots of fun together. Shrugs.

 

 

Definitely going to re evaluate my friendship with my friend as well. She has done this before, while we are out, when I have mentioned guys I have found attractive. When/if I have a look on there.

 

Notice when she looks online, she always asks if I think the guy is hot as well. I never feel the need to do that when I look online. Just go for what I think is attractive.

 

She has pushed it to far this time.

 

I have even mentioned to her earlier. What are we going to do if we do up up liking the same guy? She did not even respond.

Edited by Zombre
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