Is my friend being inappropriate towards the guy I like, knowing we had a thing?

[Zombre]

My friends and I met this guy. He is slowly coming into our group.

 

He and I had a night together but decided not to take it further because we did not want to complicate things. still kind of like him though. Apparently he says it was an awesome night, it did not feel like a mistake, we just got caught up in the moment. I felt that exact same way about what happened.

 

He and my other friend have kids the same age. They both say they mainly hang out for them because the kids get along well.

Fair enough.

 

He had nothing else on and tagged along with me, to my friends family thing. New Years Eve. So now he has met most her family to. Got along well with her sisters and their partner.

 

We are all single. Can't help but feel a bit of competiveness going on or if it is all in my head? I have asked her if she likes him but she says he is not her type.

 

Am I over reacting here? We have never had male friends before so it is all a new thing. She is newly single as well and not sure what she is like when it comes to these type of things. Think it is more I have seen what she has done while drinking and stuff and know how much she likes male attention that worries me. It's like she looses all ammunition when she drinks.

 

I have asked him if he was keen to hang out without her this year cause we are mates to. He said yes which is cool.

 

It is cool they get along and stuff but she knows that I am still kind of interested.

 

He keeps inviting himself to our things so it is not like this is all her doing he just wants to meet new people.

 

She also asked if she could flirt with him. At first I said yes cause he and I are not serious but later said no cause that ends up leading to something.

 

After that she goes "okay so he is off limits then?" WTF? I slept with the guy. You would think she would automatically know that.

 

He and I are fine. Just feel like things are getting a bit more complicated because of her.

 

Not sure why she does not just back off.

[kendahke]

My friends and I met this guy. He is slowly coming into our group.

 

He and I had a night together but decided not to take it further because we did not want to complicate things. still kind of like him though. Apparently he says it was an awesome night, it did not feel like a mistake, we just got caught up in the moment. I felt that exact same way about what happened.

 

He and my other friend have kids the same age. They both say they mainly hang out for them because the kids get along well.

Fair enough.

 

He had nothing else on and tagged along with me, to my friends family thing. New Years Eve. So now he has met most her family to. Got along well with her sisters and their partner.

 

Also, she ain't backing off unless he tells her to back off. Do you honestly see that happening as things are right now?

 

We are all single. Can't help but feel a bit of competiveness going on or if it is all in my head? I have asked her if she likes him but she says he is not her type.

 

Am I over reacting here? We have never had male friends before so it is all a new thing. She is newly single as well and not sure what she is like when it comes to these type of things. Think it is more I have seen what she has done while drinking and stuff and know how much she likes male attention that worries me. It's like she looses all ammunition when she drinks.

 

I have asked him if he was keen to hang out without her this year cause we are mates to. He said yes which is cool.

 

It is cool they get along and stuff but she knows that I am still kind of interested.

 

He keeps inviting himself to our things so it is not like this is all her doing he just wants to meet new people.

 

She also asked if she could flirt with him. At first I said yes cause he and I are not serious but later said no cause that ends up leading to something.

 

After that she goes "okay so he is off limits then?" WTF? I slept with the guy. You would think she would automatically know that.

 

He and I are fine. Just feel like things are getting a bit more complicated because of her.

 

Not sure why she does not just back off.

 

You're giving off mixed messages. First you say she can flirt with him, then you say "no", expecting her to honor your interaction with him because you slept with him, but don't want to complicate matters. It would appear they have gotten complicated because you won't own your voice here. Aside from the fact that your friend is either clueless or willfully blind to whatever went down between you and him.

 

If you want this guy for yourself, make that plain to her in no unmistakable terms. Let him know that you have feelings for him so he knows where he stands with you, too. Yeah, you could end up losing him, but it won't be because you didn't make your intentions known---it'll be because she and him decided to go where you decided you and he didn't want to go.

[kendahke]

She doesn't back off because she doesn't want to back off and he hasn't told her to back off... they have things in common (children the same age), he's met her family.

 

She told you he's not her type to keep from hurting you most likely. Here's how to tell if he's truly not her type for sure: if she always invites you to hang with him every time they are together. If she doesn't want the guy to have one on one time with her, giving him the access to developing more with her, then she's going to want some way to distract him and hold him in check so he can't make those kinds of moves. He's not likely to do it with someone with whom he's had romantic interactions.

 

Prepare yourself for finding out that they are developing something on the side. With the exception of sleeping with the guy, this scenario happened to me and the truth was my friend was very interested in the guy I liked, but lied to me, telling me she wasn't.

[toscaroscura]

I agree with the mixed messages. You said you only "kind of still like him". "I am still kind of interested." "We are mates to(o)". Mates means just friends right? Only, not really.

 

It almost sounds like you do not want him, yet you don't want anyone else to have him either.

[Zombre]

The only reason why I said yes to her flirting first was because he and I had only slept together once. We are not a serious thing. Then realised she might have motives with this flirting thing and use that to her advantage. I had to tell her no and if she tries to pursue him, our friendship is over.

 

I know I don't have rights to call dibs on him but I am interested in him and like him. Also would like to see if anything comes off just being friends while

Keeping my options open to of course.

 

I only agreed to stop sleeping with him because I was already feeling like I could not continue because I would have ended up falling in love with him and gotten hurt. Plus did not want him thinking I was just a booty call. We did not plan for it to happen. I just did after an awesome night of just hanging out. Well before hand lol.

 

I can't stop them from being friends though. That is going too far lol.

 

She always invited me out to most things. He just invited us both out tonight to his Dad'a place for Pizza with his kids most likely. So as far as I could tell it is a friends thing.

 

 

Yes. Weary of all that. Know how guys are. But hopefully in this situation everyone genuinely cares and respects eachother' feelings. This is the only way this friendship will work I think.

[toscaroscura]

I empathize with your situation, but you can't have it both ways. Either you make it *crystal* clear that you like him and try pursuing that avenue (even though you might get hurt), or you remain friends and free him up to find someone who can love him without hesitation, with no secret dibs or ruined friendships.

[hoping2heal]

He doesn't want to date you, you had "awesome sex" and that was it for him (beyond friendship), now you said it is the same for you...but really, it isn't. Your feelings for him go beyond wanting to stay friends and enjoying the sex you had. You can be kind of interested in him until you're blue in the face but he does not want the same back. She can't help that he likes her (if he indeed does) but she also needs to know how you feel about him. If you made it seem like it was just good sex and friendship (like you tried to tell us) then she isn't going to know that you wanted more with him.

[hoping2heal]

The only reason why I said yes to her flirting first was because he and I had only slept together once. We are not a serious thing. Then realised she might have motives with this flirting thing and use that to her advantage. I had to tell her no and if she tries to pursue him, our friendship is over.

 

I know I don't have rights to call dibs on him but I am interested in him and like him. Also would like to see if anything comes off just being friends while

Keeping my options open to of course.

 

I only agreed to stop sleeping with him because I was already feeling like I could not continue because I would have ended up falling in love with him and gotten hurt. Plus did not want him thinking I was just a booty call. We did not plan for it to happen. I just did after an awesome night of just hanging out. Well before hand lol.

 

I can't stop them from being friends though. That is going too far lol.

 

She always invited me out to most things. He just invited us both out tonight to his Dad'a place for Pizza with his kids most likely. So as far as I could tell it is a friends thing.

 

 

Yes. Weary of all that. Know how guys are. But hopefully in this situation everyone genuinely cares and respects eachother' feelings. This is the only way this friendship will work I think.

 

So, are you willing to consider him off limits too (out of respect for her)?

 

You may have slept with him first but you two were not dating, like you said it was an unplanned thing that just happened. Perhaps when she got permission from you for the flirtation is when she opened herself up to the connection and thus caught feelings. It doesn't sound like she tried to do anything while knowing you were truly interested.

[Zombre]

No I can't have it both ways. I think I will end up telling him how I feel. Maybe.

 

I know he is not ready for a relationship. He mentioned it the first night we all hung out to all of us. That is why I am hesitant in saying anything.

 

That was why I was so surprised when he made a move on me the night we hung out on our own. I already had a bit of a crush on him. I was kind of hoping something would happen. Not expecting anything but we ended up going to far with it. Forehead slap

 

I actually would prefer him to keep us as friends and find someone else.

 

I can't help how I feel about him as well.

 

No she knows I like him and want to try pursue him if I am able to. So feel bad I had to set boundaries because I am not one to tell people who they can and can't date.

 

But a true friend should respect another friends feelings and not even try I think. I feel like I sound immature saying that but that is what I have always thought.

 

It is weird how I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of them to getting together, but okay with him dating others. Must have something to do with the paragraph above.

[Zombre]

No. I think she is dealing with the situation quite well. Just a bit weary of her because I know what she can be like. Especially after a few drinks when she is not getting her male attention needs.

[toscaroscura]

No I can't have it both ways. I think I will end up telling him how I feel. Maybe.

 

I know he is not ready for a relationship. He mentioned it the first night we all hung out to all of us. That is why I am hesitant in saying anything.

 

That was why I was so surprised when he made a move on me the night we hung out on our own. I already had a bit of a crush on him. I was kind of hoping something would happen. Not expecting anything but we ended up going to far with it. Forehead slap

 

I actually would prefer him to keep us as friends and find someone else.

 

I can't help how I feel about him as well.

 

No she knows I like him and want to try pursue him if I am able to. So feel bad I had to set boundaries because I am not one to tell people who they can and can't date.

 

But a true friend should respect another friends feelings and not even try I think. I feel like I sound immature saying that but that is what I have always thought.

 

It is weird how I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of them to getting together, but okay with him dating others. Must have something to do with the paragraph above.

 

Also, when someone chooses a friend over you, it feels more personal than if they'd just met some stranger. You see the glaring ways you and the friend compare and can't help seeing yourself come up short. You can't do that with a stranger, as you don't know them.

[Zombre]

It is. I am actually more upset more about what my friend is doing then the guy.

 

At least he is being honest about his intentions.

 

I think my friend has to understand she does not have to go after everyone she is attracted to.

 

I honestly still think this whole situation is a little strange.

 

But I know what she is like with guys. Reckon I should talk to her more about it?

 

I feel like she is not considerate of my feelings here either. As I am trying to play the friends card, hoping it turns into something more. I have a feeling she is doing the same can't understand why you would do that when you know your friend already likes and wants to do the same?

 

I could be wrong though. She might be genuine and mean what she says.

 

She is just recently single so just seeing what she is like without a partner. So far not liking it.

[toscaroscura]

You only don't like it because she's turned her attentions on a man you're interested in. You just need to be honest with your feelings.

[Zombre]

Noticed just now she tried to get me to stay at her place tonight cause he is picking us up. She goes "just so he does not have to do 2 trips" I only live 10

minutes away from her! I bet any money she will rub that back in my face tonight to try make me look bad.

 

We have been texting then She asked "are you on your own?" I replied to everything else but that. I was on my own. Just to see how she would react. She rings me. Then invites herself along to the beach.

 

I decide to leave after that.

 

I hate how she is being this way with me because I don't normally act this way.

 

I used to be more placid with things but now won't let people walk all over me. I was testing her a little there. Not sure what to make of that...

[Anderlie]

The guy has a say here too of course. Even if your friend isn't actually interested he may be in her. Tell him how you feel but respect if he wants to go after your friend and she him. Neither of them owe you anything because you happened to plant the flag first, so to speak lol.

[Zombre]

I have been honest about my feelings to her about him. I do not want to tell him my feelings just yet. I want it to happen naturally. This is why I want her to back off.

 

This may be all in my head. But I can't help noticing little stuff like that. This is what is getting me so worked up. Just want us to all hang out normally like friends. Sigh.

[Zombre]

That's true. I hate this whole situation. I wish they hooked up together first to begin with.

 

I still think friends should not mess a person that another person has feelings for.

 

I have a fair few friends and never have I been out in this situation before ever.

 

I will respect whatever decision he makes but still baffled by her.

[preraph]

Don't be mad at your friend. She is trying to get a straight answer from you. If you have feelings and wish to develop a relationship with the guy, tell her that. Tell her if it doesn't work out within so many months working on it, he's up for grabs. Just because you slept with him doesn't mean you have dibs since he was her friend too. I had a friend try to pull that on me in college and he wasn't even down for it. She just hurried up and slept with him so she could claim him and he had been open and honest about liking all 4 of us girls and was just wanting to spend time with us as a group and get to know us.

 

So tell her the truth and see if she's still willing to hang back. But you can't just put him off limits for months because if he's really interested, things will develop now more quickly between you. So far, he's acting more like a friend, but see if you can change that. If not, you have to set that little bird free.

[Zombre]

I have been straight with her. I have a feeling I might need another chat with her though.

 

I think tonight is going to be very interesting lol.

 

That is what this guy did. He was open and honest about us 3 girls from the start to about just wanting to meet new people.

 

I think he is acting more like a friend to.

 

I honestly would have never made a move on him first that night if he had not with me. That was a total surprise to me. I did already kind of fancy him a bit so it was a pleasant surprise. There was a mutual attraction. I did not expect it to get as far as it did but oh well! Kind of got caught up in the moment of it all.

 

That's true I will do that Preragh thanks. I know if I tell the guy I like him now he will run for the hills. Just gotta do it at the right time and if I get signs from him to. If I don't I won't bother and save myself the hurt.

[spiderowl]

If he wanted you, he would be pursuing you (provided you'd given him some idea you liked him and at the same time that you weren't going to chase him). If he chases her, there's not much you can do. If she chases him, well, is there any point making it clear to her you still like him? If she's a very good friend, she might back off at that point, but do you really want a guy that wants your friend?

 

The only thing that needs clarifying here, as far as I can see, is whether he is interested in you or not. If it's the latter, well you could try fighting for him but surely you want a guy who has feelings for you and isn't getting involved with others?

Edited January 4, 2015 by spiderowl

[Zombre]

That is a very good point Spiderowl. If he does go after her then that is definitely a sign he is not the one for me. The one would not do that. Even if it is just for sex with her.

 

Surprises me that she would think the same. Hooking up with a guy your friend did. If she does go there and expects something more then sex.

 

I had been thinking about this exact point a little bit this afternoon.

 

He has no idea that I like him so he is not pursuing me.

 

That is what I think as well. But I don't think now would be the right time to say something which kinda sux. Would rather it happen naturally if it were to do so. I don't like forcing things.

Edited January 4, 2015 by Zombre

[hoping2heal]

Zombre,

 

I don't think this guy has any interest in dating you. He's had sex with you so needless to say, the man is not shy. If he wanted you, he would be pursuing that. He wouldn't be engaging in flirtations with your friend. He may not even *want* her beyond sex and friendship. If it is not your friend, it will be some other girl he chooses because he could have you if he wanted but he has not bothered to take that step.

 

I don't know how long you and this girl have been friends, but I almost get the sense you feel some angst towards your friend as if it is her fault that this guy doesn't have a romantic interest in you. Like as if she weren't in the picture, then surely you two could tip toe through the daisies. That just isn't so. If a guy is interested in you, he's not going to have that wane just because there is another girl in the friend stratosphere.

[Zombre]

The girl and I have been friends since Primary School (Secondary School)? We have known each other around 20 years I reckon.

 

You are right Hoping2Heal I finally got the chance to speak to him last night.

 

He says he has no feelings for my friend and won't go there because he respects all our friendships.

 

I ended up asking so are you still cool to wanna hang out just us 2? He was like, yes that would be fine. We can be each other's wing man when we go out and stuff. That won't be weird for you?

 

I was hesitant and he noticed that and asked why. I mentioned I was still attracted to him. Asked if he ever saw anything happening with us later on. He says he does not think we are compatible because he had kids. I say the kid thing does not bother me, as long as I know what I am getting into before hand I am fine with it. The kids and I get along really well to. Reminded him of that. Then he said we don't know each other that well. I said yes we are still getting to know each other. If something were to happen I would never force things. I am not like that. If it happens it happens it doesn't it doesn't.

 

I then say hope this is not making you awkward lol. He said not at all. Glad we had this chat he had been wanting to again. He went on about how if we do hang out not to read into anything because he has dealt with that before and it just caused miss understandings.

 

I just am a little confused as to why he even bothered to make a move in the first place. Feel silly for even thinking something was there. Know he was probably just after sex. And yes that catch phrase rears it's ugly head in this situation 'He Is Not That Into a You' I just really like him and not even sure if I can handle him being out with other girls. Feeling pretty bummed about the whole thing. Been thinking if I actually really can handle it.

 

I keep thinking we will be great together. I have a lot to offer someone and a decent girl. We have (had) great sex, even he has told me that. Apparently I am a good kisser to. Get along well. Obviously like each other. Shrugs.

 

Have never been in a situation where I had sex with a guy, like this and stayed friends with him. Just gotta work out if I can handle still being friends with him or not.

Edited January 5, 2015 by Zombre

[Zombre]

Could he develop feelings if I stay friends with him? I just hate how this situation has turned out for me right now...

[StrongLass]

Could he develop feelings if I stay friends with him?

 

I've seen lots of people try it but I've never, EVER seen a situation were it didn't blow up in the person's face later. Being dishonest about your real intentions will only reflect badly on you & result in you not getting what you wanted anyway.

 

If you want him, let him know. If he's interested, great! Move forward from there. If he isn't? DON'T stick around hoping he'll change his mind, that's not how it works.