david_v Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) I've been dating a girl for a couple of months, not official bf/gf yet. EVerything has seemed fine but now she tells me she is confused and still has feelings for her ex and that she cant date someone right now. She told me she's been voluntarely very busy so she didn't have to process the feelings. She didn't ask to be friends. They were together for a long time, 6-8 years (im not entirely sure) and we're in our mid 20s. She was the one who broke up with him this summer and a couple of months later we started going out. She told me this in a long, long text, i've just written down the crux of it. I haven't answered. I really like her and I think she really likes me aswell but ofcourse a breakup of a long relationship like that is gonna mess with her head, especially during then holidays and the nostalgia. I'm not sure if I was a rebound, I think she had someone right after the breakup. So what do I answer her? I want her to realise she should forget about him and be with me lol. Edited January 3, 2015 by david_v
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 So what do I answer her? I want her to realise she should forget about him and be with me lol. Nothing you can say will change her mind. She said she doesn't want a relationship with you. You reply 'no problem, I understand. All of the best for the future' and then delete her number. What she said may as well be code for 'I don't want a relationship with you', by the way. If it's taken two months to realise she doesn't want to see you any longer, she isn't that into you anyway.
Author david_v Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Yeah I understand that I can't change her mind but I want to leave the door half open, if you will, for when she has properly dealt with the breakup. Ofcourse it can be girl code but I think she is being very honest with what she's saying. She's spent most of her adult life with this guy and hasn't dealt with the breakup so it was probably just a matter of time before it was gonna come and smack her in the face, no matter if she was dating me or not. I'd actually be more worried if she'd go and breakup a 8 year relationship like it was nothing. So I'm not angry with her.
JaneDoe12 Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I'd do what acrosstheuniverse said. Tell her you understand and wish her all the best. If she's into you, she'll reach out anyway. 2
Danda Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 I'd do what acrosstheuniverse said. Tell her you understand and wish her all the best. If she's into you, she'll reach out anyway. This. Don't try to invalidate, manipulate or otherwise disregard her emotions. You have no power in that arena. And frankly neither does she. If you get pushy she'll probably flee. If you try to hang in the wings as her friend, you'll probably wind up very frustrated and potentially waste a very large chunk of time on someone who may very well go back to their ex or never see you as more than a friend. Since her emotions are out of anyone's control, including yours, your best bet is to be graceful and understanding, wish her luck in whatever it is she needs and then stop initiating. If she does get over her ex and wants to be with you, she will reach out to you, but in the meantime you should move on. Bear in mind that the first few months is the "honeymoon phase" and when you get cut off during that phase, it can leave the (false) impression that you're losing something perfect. This can make it exceptionally difficult to let it go, but the reality is that this gal has a boatload of flaws just like everyone else, and the would-be relationship would have had its ups and downs like any other. You can find many other women with the same positive traits you liked about her. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 You won't be able to change her mind. She isn't ready, full stop. Why would you want to leave the door open for someone who's not interested? Just send a simple reply: "Thank you for being honest. Good luck to you." 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 4, 2015 Posted January 4, 2015 Bear in mind that the first few months is the "honeymoon phase" and when you get cut off during that phase, it can leave the (false) impression that you're losing something perfect. This can make it exceptionally difficult to let it go, but the reality is that this gal has a boatload of flaws just like everyone else, and the would-be relationship would have had its ups and downs like any other. You can find many other women with the same positive traits you liked about her. This is really interesting, I've never thought of it that way. I got really hurt a couple years back with a guy I dating nearly six months breaking it off. At the time I was devastated because I was so enjoying the new relationship and yes, it did feel perfect. Looking back now I see traits that would have made it unworkable long term, and I'm now in a happy secure relationship which is better in many ways than any relationship I've ever had before. But it's a really interesting way of looking at it, never understood why just five/six months hit me so hard... thanks.
Author david_v Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 Thanks for the answers. I sent her that i understand and appreciate her honesty and wished her all the best. I'm not great with text communications but hopefully I didn't came across as hurt or angry. Not sure if I did something wrong during the dating or if one should chalk it up to bad timing. If I had known she'd just came out of such a long relationship I think I would've done things differently. What a shame 1
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