crystalM Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Hello. I've been looking through the threads here hoping to find an answer to my problem. Finally after many sleepless nights and a hell lot of confusing thoughts, i've decided to post my story here. I hope someone can point me to the right direction. So here it goes and im sorry if this will be long and confusing. I've been together with my boyfriend for 4 years. We're both 23 and I've known him for 7 years (he's my first bf). Initially, i didn't find him attractive or anything, not that he's not good looking which he definitely is to me. He's very kind, supportive and funny. Everything started with a lot of fights over simple things but neither of us gave up on making our relationship work. We kept thinking that its all part of relationships to disagree and misunderstand and work things through together. I really thought then that this is the guy i will and want to marry someday. 2 months ago we had a huge fight over something small which i've already forgotten and everything went crazy. Past issues kept being brought up by both of us. Maybe because we've never really closed an issue or things just never did change. We end up not talking for 2 weeks, i've had enough of all the mean things we kept saying to each other and i just stop going online anymore. He never calls or texts me to fix our problem, saying he doesn't have money to call me even though he has a lot of savings. He never went to my house either even though he just lives 10-15 min WALK away. Never bothered to go to my work because of whatever reason like he's too tired or its a long commute. (But he can go to the mall after work to buy something ) By the way he never went and picked me up from work not even once during these 2 years we've started working. I usually work over time so waiting for him to actually arrive which is probably 1-2 hours or so wont be a problem. I mean seriously, its not like i'm asking him to pick me up and have a late dinner together every single day. He says everything is different now because we're both working already. But it all sounds like an excuse. I go to his place after work even after 4 hours of overtime just to see him for a few minutes like 3-4 times a week. Or during all the other fights we had, im always the one going to his place so we can talk it over. During the fight, i've been thinking that i've really had enough and we are really going nowhere. I had to take leave from work just to bring myself together. With him calling me a cheater when he saw a vid of me with a guy holding my hand while going down trekking a freakin' slippery mountain. (I needed to get away so me and my friends went out on a trip). I just felt so pissed off and hopeless with our relationship. But my mother kept telling me to give him a chance and talk it out. So i tried once and messaged him if he can meet me after work, he said no because he's tired and everything. Again, i felt like ****. Second try, i was just feeling so miserable and missed him so much. my grandmother just died and seriously i was too depressed. i asked him again to meet me. And he kept asking me why. and i told him we need to talk. and he kept asking me again about what and if i was breaking up with him. And i said no. because i didn't want to decide while my emotions are everywhere. So we did end up meeting and when i saw him i just couldn't help but smile like everything was okay. And he smiled back and hugged and kissed me. I was still sad but its like i couldn't open the discussion anymore about what we fought about and everything seems to go back to normal happy life i guess? But they never did. I stopped coming to his house like i will usually do. I don't call him anymore. I don't do the things he never does anymore. It felt like i've lost interest in doing those things I also stopped expecting anything from him, thinking that doing all these things will help us stay together. The kisses felt empty somewhat. which i thought was because i was just still depressed. Days passed and i thought everything is okay now. Then i met this amazing guy. I saw him and my heart literally went nuts. He was just performing there at work and i don't even know his name. Which with internal conflict in my side i really want to know and talk to him. But i kept thinking i have a boyfriend and i shouldn't do anything. But my mind won't stop thinking that i wish i was single. I felt so bad. Then every single day, i became more confused if i still loved my boyfriend. When i'm with him, my mind goes back to the other guy which makes me want to bang my head on a wall just to stop myself. I'm seriously screwed. I finally had the courage to tell my boyfriend that i'm confused and i don't know what to do. But i didn't tell him about the other guy. I feel like i want to break up with him, like we are going no where. Like i have fallen out of love. Was it because i never loved him in the first place? I've been crying everyday thinking of what i want and of what i feel. I'm really sad because i don't want to leave him without being sure if i still love him or not. I really don't know what to do anymore. Thank you so much to anyone who would reply to this.
dyna85 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I think you probably love your boyfriend. I mean, you have been together 4 years. Sometimes, and it's a hard thing to acknowledge, love is not enough. Seems this might be the case with you and your boyfriend. There's no doubt you are immensely caring of him and want the best for him. However, it seems like he doesn't treat you how you wish to be treated. Maybe some other woman would accept your boyfriend for how he is in his current state, but I think as he is, currently, he's not acceptable for you. I think you're both young and there is a chance that after he matures further, you could revisit the potential for trying to make it work again, but I think for now, you need to let him go and make yourself happy. Relationships require two to make it work. If you're putting forth all of the effort, that's not fair to you and it's time to set it free. I know it's hard. Immensely difficult when parting with your first love. However, you seem to be considering it for the right reasons... 1
st peter Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 you may want to experience life without your boyfriend having not been single for years, especially if you feel trapped and end up resenting your boyfriend. thats your choice, think hard and follow your heart. whatever the case, it sounds like you need time apart. however, screw this other guy at work. your mind will be manifesting him into all the excitement you feel you are missing with your boyfriend. just force yourself to make the break up without him in the picture (girls are terrible at this) and don't do anything stupid with him immediately after splitting. its a recipe for short term thrills and long term regret. do your best to forget him (obviously seems impossible atm) best of luck, sounds like a serious decision but i believe true love happens perhaps only a couple of times in life, so be careful. if you break up, do it really well, keep your dignity and try to not to hurt his pride. and then NC firmly until you want him back or are over him. don't make my exes mistake of dumping me atrociously, so that although we still loved each other when she begged for me to come back months later, i was forced to say no. lastly, whatever you do, you are right now not being fair on your boyfriend, so make your mind up as quick as you can. I'm sure in a few months you will know what you want, and i hope you get it 1
Author crystalM Posted January 4, 2015 Author Posted January 4, 2015 thank you so much for your response. i think at one point i knew i looked at him with so much love in me thats why i have never let him go despite our differences. i dont know how would i do it without telling him why i think were not good each other without sounding like i put all the blame in him like in my story. i know he's a great guy but i sometimes do feel im taken for granted almost all the time. And when i stopped trying to do my best because i felt like it wasnt reciprocated, i ended up losing my love for him. At least thats what i think. Do you think i really do deserve someone better who would care enough as much as i would? or am i just looking for a perfect man? I feel so stupid and confused. I would never cheat on him and i know he wouldnt either. He told me he was happy and thought that i was happy too. i couldnt reply at all im so scared to let him go and realize months after that he's the one for me and that i was just being selfish. He might never want me back I feel so indifferent like when he doesnt message me anymore i dont get sad like i usually would. Even if we dont meet i feel nothing. But it hurts to think about breaking up and to see him cry. Im sorry my mind is a mess. Thank you again hopefully i will make the right decision
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