We're you ever stood up for a good reason?

January 4, 2015

I agree that texting his apology wasn't great but I think his explanation was legit.

If the batteries were dead then his phone would have gone unnoticed at his parents house easily as it wouldn't have made any noise.
People who tend to live by their phones tend to put them down everywhere they go, I see that all the time. Not a week goes by at work where I find a mobile sitting lonely on the cupboard next to my desk.

The fact that before this all happened you had asked whether he had a computer and knew that he wasn't on FB or any other sites means no mobile no contact. If I had not emailed someone on a regular basis I wouldn't have thought of emailing either to be honest.

He also has 4 children so he can't just up and drive the distance back to his parents at the drop of a hat.

I don't think he has another woman, I don't think he has time for another woman.

Also, for the record, I think it is too soon to be introduced to his children. I wouldn't want to be intro'd after that short a time either.
He was taking things slowly so length between dates, kissing, turning up at someone's door - plus he has 4 daughters who he is going to be protective about and he would be thinking from their angle too and would they like a guy turning up at their door when they are dating.
There's too much back story and back actions to make this a lie in my view.

I would just make sure you have each other's landlines and that you both have each other's mobiles written down somewhere.

I'd say let this one go and just make sure he makes it up to you.

That is exactly how I feel about every point you've mentioned.

January 4, 2015

You are deliberately ignoring some important facts and that is your own doing, your responsibility.

I am not sure what I am ignoring that is such a red flag.

Sometimes, when I am into a guy, I do the same. But you know what makes it better ? Taking time off and meeting other men. 10 meetings since August? I am working full time, going to school after work and taking exams and still managed to see my date three times in a week, before he left on holiday.

When threads get long people miss information. We met in August, we had a few dates back then. Then I told him this was unfolding too slow and ended it. He got back to me a few weeks later, maybe 2 months, we started seeing each other again on regular basis. Our dates are concentrated mostly in the last 2 months.

I don't know about you, but personally, I like attention. I like to feel I am important. I like to feel he has his full interest on me. It all goes down to how you want to be loved. To how you think you deserve to be treated... and sorry, but that is strictly linked to the level of your self esteem. Up your standards and check a bit if the grass isn't greener somewhere else. It'll do you good !

I am different. I am 49 years old, I have been single 10 years, I don't need hand holding and someone gazing in my eyes each day. Plenty of men came on to me very aggressively with constant texting, showing up at my work with flowers, wanting to see me each day. It freaks me out !!

I like this guy, he's different. He's shy, he's slow, he's family oriented, he's a great dad, he's a nurse so he's human, compassionate, generous and caring, patient. I never met a man that has so much on his plate and never ever complains, in fact is thankful for every bit of it.

January 4, 2015

I like this guy, he's different. He's shy, he's slow, he's family oriented, he's a great dad, he's a nurse so he's human, compassionate, generous and caring, patient. I never met a man that has so much on his plate and never ever complains, in fact is thankful for every bit of it.

Then proceed with caution. Observe and analyze.

If the behavior happens again, automatic NEXT.

January 4, 2015

That is exactly how I feel about every point you've mentioned.

Wow. Really? I can see giving the benefit of the doubt after only averaging about 2.5 dates per month for 4 months. Sometimes schedules just don't line up right but after that left my phone at someone's house and the battery was dead excuse, I would be a little suspicious. That phone battery death excuse is overused alone but when it is added to the overused I left my phone somewhere...As said above, I would proceed with caution.

January 4, 2015

Wow. Really? I can see giving the benefit of the doubt after only averaging about 2.5 dates per month for 4 months. Sometimes schedules just don't line up right but after that left my phone at someone's house and the battery was dead excuse, I would be a little suspicious. That phone battery death excuse is overused alone but when it is added to the overused I left my phone somewhere...As said above, I would proceed with caution.

I am not sure I follow you Jules. What overuse of 'I left my phone'?. It never happened before.

January 4, 2015

I am not sure what I am ignoring that is such a red flag.

I don't think it is.

I would proceed with awareness - that's natural.

I wouldn't dump the guy over this though.

When threads get long people miss information. We met in August, we had a few dates back then. Then I told him this was unfolding too slow and ended it. He got back to me a few weeks later, maybe 2 months, we started seeing each other again on regular basis. Our dates are concentrated mostly in the last 2 months.

This all sounds good and healthy to me.

I am different. I am 49 years old, I have been single 10 years, I don't need hand holding and someone gazing in my eyes each day. Plenty of men came on to me very aggressively with constant texting, showing up at my work with flowers, wanting to see me each day. It freaks me out !!

I'm 45 and just the same as you on this ^^^

I like this guy, he's different. He's shy, he's slow, he's family oriented, he's a great dad, he's a nurse so he's human, compassionate, generous and caring, patient. I never met a man that has so much on his plate and never ever complains, in fact is thankful for every bit of it.

Sounds like a good man to me.

Not someone worth letting go of over this incident.

There's other things like his daughter may not have been around to babysit, he may have had to have taken all his kids just to drop a note through your door, his other babysitters numbers may have been in his phone.

All sorts can go wrong when you're juggling that many things.

I would hope a guy of mine would be considerate of that if I got stuck in the same kind of spot.

The surnames thing I also get as well, you are easily findable online, I know this as I have seen you post it before several times.

Then - things like that become irrelevant. I still don't know what my last ex's address was. I dated him for 7 months.

He wasn't a cheater, he wasn't lying, I just didn't know his postal address. nor even the street he lived on. I never had a need for knowing it.

January 4, 2015

IMO, since his kids probably all have phones, and he's literally swimming in them in the world, and your contact info is in his provider's cloud or billing information, accessible anywhere, and, most importantly, he knew you and he had a date and he confirmed it the day before, if that date, or you, were of importance to him, he would have made sure it happened.

In light of the prior information offered here, back when you and he were first dating, if I had experienced this with a woman and, then, down the road got stood up by her, that would indicate to me a serious lack of interest or a basic incompatibility or both.

I went back and re-read the posts to try to find some indication that, in his first post-stood-up contact he attempted to arrange meeting up with you personally or arranging a rescheduled date. I found none. Did I miss something?

January 4, 2015

Gaeta, do not leave him if this is the only issue. He is a father of 4 little girls, full custody, I am sure he had other things on his mind when he left the phone...and that DOES happen.

Last year, my boyfriend whom I was in LDR back then, disappeared for the new year. For 24 hours. He got wasted and drank himself silly. His friends brought him home and he slept till 5 pm. He Skyped me then looking like something that cat dragged in. In the meanwhile I sent him go f you type of message and I was sure I would never want to talk to him again. On his FB I could see that his mum and sister were looking for him too. When I moved and we lived together, and I met all of his friends, he was laughed at by everyone because of his new year thing. His room mate told me that he just saw him throw up time after time that night. My bf was depressed and alcohol hit him harder than normal.

Go with your guts. If you think he is not lying, then he really might not be... Ask him if he minds showing you his phone for example... if he used it in the time he said the phone was at his parents place then he is lying. If he did not, then you know he is honest. If he has nothing to hide, then he should not have a problem with this.

January 4, 2015

Four kids, with the youngest being three?

Yeah.. that was making me think he isn't divorced yet coupled with some other things that is... the OP answered though and asked him, said he was just clueless but divorced..

If it were me I'd looking on my counties website to find the court case showing the divorce was final...

I worked with a woman who dated a guy for 10 months, he had an apartment right next to hers too.. turned out he was still married, he did work out of town a lot but in the end the guy had a 20 year marriage and kids that he went back to and the woman I worked with went thru a rough time over it..

I think hearing he has a 3 year old possible 2.5 with a little fudging means even if he is divorced that he is in the thick of it.. still changing diapers and will most likely have a lot of drama in his life of the 3 year old so the OP will need to be ready if this goes further to have to help raise the 3 year old...

To the OP.. I like the answers you have been posting you seem to have a good head on your shoulders about this and have your eyes opened for the most part..

Good Luck..

January 4, 2015

IMO, since his kids probably all have phones, and he's literally swimming in them in the world, and your contact info is in his provider's cloud or billing information, accessible anywhere, and, most importantly, he knew you and he had a date and he confirmed it the day before, if that date, or you, were of importance to him, he would have made sure it happened.

In light of the prior information offered here, back when you and he were first dating, if I had experienced this with a woman and, then, down the road got stood up by her, that would indicate to me a serious lack of interest or a basic incompatibility or both.

I went back and re-read the posts to try to find some indication that, in his first post-stood-up contact he attempted to arrange meeting up with you personally or arranging a rescheduled date. I found none. Did I miss something?

None of his children have phones.

I would not even have thought of looking up my phone bill to find a phone number so I can't accuse him of lacking imagination to reach me.

Thanks for digging out that thread. I was gonna look it up to pin down when exactly we met. A lot of 'getting to know each other' has happened since then. He's very timid with women and I failed to fully understand it when we first started seeing each other. I misinterpreted his shyness for lack of interest and we cleared everything the second time around.

He did not rescheduled our missed date. You are right. I am not worried about it. I am sure he will offer something soon. He works on changing shifts, sometimes evenings, sometimes days, the kids have evening activities, his eldest needs to be free to babysit.

January 4, 2015

I can certainly understand being busy with four young children. But is he really worth it? You only see him once every two to three weeks (since August!), he makes you schedule all the dates, and when he stood you up he made absolutely no effort to reach you. If you are comfortable being so far down his priority list, somewhere between "buying paper towels" and "changing oil", then that is fine. But I can't help but think if I'd written this post you would have told me to DTMFA.

January 4, 2015

UPDATE:

I got this long long text saying how sorry he was. He thought he had lost his phone on January 1st and he spent the day yesterday looking for it and he does not know my number by heart. Turns out he forgot his phone at his parents, the batteries were dead so it went un-noticed. He had just gone and get it. (his parents live quite a bit from him)

I asked him how this played a role in him not showing up ! and he said we had not discussed a specific time he was picking me up so he was not gonna just show up un-announced. In his book it's very ill mannered and he would not want anyone showing up at his house unannounced.

I asked him if he had a computer and why he had not emailed me. He said it did not cross his mind at all, him losing his phone was like the end of the world.

My daughter is here and asked what's my gut feeling about this and I said I don't think he's lying but he won't win an award for doing his best to reach me. I also would have liked he called me, not text me, to apologize.

I will ask him for his land line number and his last name. You're right we should not treat each other like strangers.

You know, I was reading the first paragraph and thought: ok with this I'd give him a chance.

But then the whole 'didn't want to show up unannounced to your place' part and I'm like 'oh, hell no!'

Not sure what his deal is, but not only did he stand you up, he knew you'd be at home wondering 'what the hell?!' and didn't even think to send you a freaking email?

In times like these, I like to 'project' and put myself in the other person's situation. If something like this was to happen to me, you can bet you a$$ I would do everything in my power to make that date happen. A lost phone is not the end of the world and can wait to be fixed until the next day.

To answer the thread in general, I was supposed to hang out with this guy on January 1st and never heard from him. However, I had met him only once and figured 'meh' so I just let it go.

Well guess who texted me yesterday all apologetic and wanting to see me today.

No wonder people play head games. It works!

January 4, 2015

I can certainly understand being busy with four young children. But is he really worth it? You only see him once every two to three weeks (since August!), he makes you schedule all the dates, and when he stood you up he made absolutely no effort to reach you. If you are comfortable being so far down his priority list, somewhere between "buying paper towels" and "changing oil", then that is fine. But I can't help but think if I'd written this post you would have told me to DTMFA.

Again, in the past 2 months we have seen each other on weekly basis. I posted somewhere how the 10 dates were spread out. There is a first time around with a couple of dates, a break of 2 months, then a more steady dating.

January 4, 2015

Even if he thought it was so shockingly and appallingly rude to drop by unannounced, he knows where you live. He could have written a note and slid it under your door. Better yet, he could have written an apology attached to a dozen roses. Instead he forgot that emailing you was even a possibility? He thought he could get away with a long text?

You should be gone unless this guy already made a reservation at the nicest restaurant in town and is planning to take you Friday night. Your dating situation is already very suspicious, this was a bad situation and he handled it in nearly the worst way imaginable.

How is showing up to her place on the night they had a date planned more shockingly and appallingly rude than standing up someone like he did anyway?

January 4, 2015

No wonder people play head games. It works!

IME, generally, attractive people are the ones who get away with it. I call it the Tom Braden effect.

In my younger years I got strung along similarly and the overriding commonality was the women were all attractive and were juggling multiple suitors and, in some cases, boyfriends and husbands. Why did they do it? Unknown, but pragmatism indicates, as you alluded to, it works and because they could/can. A less attractive person never gets away with that shyte more than once. However, that's life so we can't change life rather simply adapt in a healthy manner and avoid such people.

OP, I will mention that, if you haven't met and interacted with the man's children, there is no verifiable way of knowing whether or not they have mobile phones. I can't speak for Canada but personally I know of no one in my social circle whose children or grandchildren don't have phones, at least past the age of decision (7 or 8). They all have phones, even if restricted emergency accounts. Regardless, that status is unverifiable unless access to accounts can be gained. In my case, I can easily verify by all the calls and text my friends get from their children and grandchildren on their own phones and seeing them using them.

Perhaps this sounds nitpicky but that's what 5-plus decades of dealing with humans has created, the Ronnie Reagan monster Trust but verify.

January 4, 2015

I am different. I am 49 years old, I have been single 10 years, I don't need hand holding and someone gazing in my eyes each day. Plenty of men came on to me very aggressively with constant texting, showing up at my work with flowers, wanting to see me each day. It freaks me out !!

I like this guy, he's different. He's shy, he's slow, he's family oriented, he's a great dad, he's a nurse so he's human, compassionate, generous and caring, patient. I never met a man that has so much on his plate and never ever complains, in fact is thankful for every bit of it.

you're different, he's different... sure, girl, whatever makes you sleep better at night.

I'll tell you what I see: I see a 49 years old woman who's been out of the dating game for 10 years. How would you know how it feel like if men come with flowers to you, if by your own saying, you have not been dating in 10 years?

I think you have no idea how that feels. I think you imagine how that might feel like. But... you don't know. I got flowers. They were from the wrong guy, but you know what? I still loved it. It felt great, because that guy had a thought for me and manifested it!

Listen, 49 is not too old to have it all wrong. I'm 34, I've had it wrong for the last 4 years. But I am learning by the day. And I am not afraid to admit my mistakes and call a spade a spade. Ok, he forgot his phone to his parents. They live far away. He got it back. You have to agree that he must have gotten his phone before 10 in the evening, because of his kids. Plenty of time to call you. Or text. Did he do it? No.

The big red flag is that he might be in to you, but he is not that into you. You are romanticizing this display of lack of interest into him wanting to take it slow. Whatever makes you feel better. But he ain't feeling it.

Trust me, when a guy is interested, you know it. Your phone is ringing. Your agenda is booked. It's not rocket science.

Now, I believe you like him and I also believe you think he is "different". Maybe he is, maybe he's not. How would you know, if you're not dating anyone else? He's a pain in the arse with 4 lil kids, who slept with you once and stood you up after that. Did he apologize and mean it? Is he sincerely sorry? Do you have a hot date planned?

My bottom line is: he is first guy whom you've dated in a long time. I am sure he feels special. But it would be too easy to be the one. Sorry, you have to work at it, like most people. Go out, date and kiss quite a few frogs before meeting your prince. Everyone would love that the first guy /person they run into is the one. Yours ain't it. The more you persist, the longer it will take you to find that good man and the more you will suffer.

Let it go. Accept it. Be honest with yourself - he is not the one, no matter how much you'd like him to - and look at him and his actions objectively. There's only one reality, might as well accept it, while you're at it.

Edited January 4, 2015 by candie13

January 4, 2015

you're different, he's different... sure, girl, whatever makes you sleep better at night.

I'll tell you what I see: I see a 49 years old woman who's been out of the dating game for 10 years. How would you know how it feel like if men come with flowers to you, if by your own saying, you have not been dating in 10 years?

No no no no, I said I was single for 10 years. I did not say I have not been dating for 10 years. My god, look at my history!!! I met 150 men in the past 3 years! I am the queen of multi-dating.

The big red flag is that he might be in to you, but he is not that into you. You are romanticizing this display of lack of interest into him wanting to take it slow. Whatever makes you feel better. But he ain't feeling it.

I am not romancing anything, in fact YOU are when you think all relationships have to start with the man being totally into you. This is real life, not tv. People grow into each other.

Trust me, when a guy is interested, you know it. Your phone is ringing. Your agenda is booked. It's not rocket science.

I had plenty of dates like that and the guy bailed after 2 months. These men are addicted to the New relationship energy and once it's been all used up they are happy to go to next.

Now, I believe you like him and I also believe you think he is "different". Maybe he is, maybe he's not. How would you know, if you're not dating anyone else?

Again, 150 men in last 3 years.

The rest of your post is irrelevant.

January 4, 2015

150 men in 3 years and that's what your experience tells you after the stunt this guy pulled ?

different strokes for different folks

January 4, 2015

Most of the 150 men are all addicted to the "new relationship energy" and that's your explanation as to why they bail on you? That's incredible!

January 4, 2015

Smackie,

That's not what I said. What I said is, men that are too much into you too quick usually will bail after two months, you know what type i'm talking about.

I am not saying that it was the problem I faced with all 150 men I met, I'm only replying on the comment and thought that is "only men that are totally into me deserve my attention". I believe that two people can grow into each other .

Smackie, you've been on here for quite awhile, you've posted in most of ny threads, you know too well about my dating history to come up with these distorted comments such as your last one.

January 4, 2015

I am not saying that it was the problem I faced with all 150 men I met, I'm only replying on the comment and thought that is "only men that are totally into me deserve my attention"..

I never said that "only men totally into you" deserve attention. I did say that, in the end, there should be solid proofs of interest, like consistency in contact, excitement at the idea of meeting up, a firm date set up in the near future... otherwise what's the point in dating a guy who's meah about you...

I believe that two people can grow into each other

of course they can. but they usually don't stand each other up, in the process.

Edited January 4, 2015 by candie13

January 4, 2015

Smackie,

That's not what I said. What I said is, men that are too much into you too quick usually will bail after two months, you know what type i'm talking about.

I am not saying that it was the problem I faced with all 150 men I met, I'm only replying on the comment and thought that is "only men that are totally into me deserve my attention". I believe that two people can grow into each other .

Smackie, you've been on here for quite awhile, you've posted in most of ny threads, you know too well about my dating history to come up with these distorted comments such as your last one.

Don't you just hate it when it seems as if everyone is just hell-bent on finding something wrong to fix with you?

OP of any post on LS: "I got up and went to the bathroom during the date"

Response: "Well there is your problem! Going to the bathroom on a date shows you need to work on your self-esteem first."

January 4, 2015

Smackie,

That's not what I said. What I said is, men that are too much into you too quick usually will bail after two months, you know what type i'm talking about.

I am not saying that it was the problem I faced with all 150 men I met, I'm only replying on the comment and thought that is "only men that are totally into me deserve my attention". I believe that two people can grow into each other .

Smackie, you've been on here for quite awhile, you've posted in most of ny threads, you know too well about my dating history to come up with these distorted comments such as your last one.

Well Gaeta, what's your take on why you are being so unsuccessful then?

TBH you can't possibly blame it all on you choosing the same type of guy 150 times over. There's a reason why they ditch you after 2 months. Please enlighten us as to what you think it is?

January 4, 2015

I did more ditching than being ditched. It's the nature of online dating. It does not work till it works.

January 4, 2015

Don't you just hate it when it seems as if everyone is just hell-bent on finding something wrong to fix with you?

OP of any post on LS: "I got up and went to the bathroom during the date"

Response: "Well there is your problem! Going to the bathroom on a date shows you need to work on your self-esteem first."

Well if one person is having the same problem with everyone else, generally, the problem is not with everyone else.

And to be brutally honest, there's a lot of that going here. (not necessarily excluding myself here...)

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