I read his messages and found something. What now?

[AmIOK]

I know, I know I shouldn't have done this.

 

I'm dating this guy who I've been friends with for about a year. He's liked me from the start, but things only happened between us a few months ago. He lives a while away from me, so we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like, but we speak every day.

 

He told me that he'd slept with someone else about a month and a half ago, and that it was a one night stand. We'd never actually talked about exclusivity at that point, so although it bothered me (still does bother me), I let it do. He also said he's still in touch with her, but "not in that way" and that "nothing's going on". I chose to believe him, but it does still play on my mind.

 

Last time he was at mine, almost a month ago, he told me that he loves me. I told him I feel the same way too. He also said that he was thinking about moving to where I live.

 

I've been at his for a few days now, and he's been really sweet and told me again a few times that he loves me.

 

But, I still had this nagging thought in my mind about this girl he's still in touch with. Why would you keep in touch with a one night stand and it not be at least flirty? ... He's gone out and left his Facebook profile logged on. I shouldn't have, but I took a quick scroll down his messages. I just wanted to know who she was, and if it was flirty.

 

Anyway, I've found that just last week, he was messaging some girl telling her that he wants to see her again soon and that she turns him on, and other similar messages.

 

I don't know what to do It's my own fault, I shouldn't have read the messages, I know this. But I felt like something was going on, and it turns out I was right.

 

Should I say anything to him? I don't know what to do. How do I admit to reading his messages? I feel bad for reading but at the same time, wtf? He's telling me he loves me while telling this other girl that he wants to see her again. He'll be back soon, I don't know what to do

[Rydo]

End it and move on with your life of course.

[Satu]

I know, I know I shouldn't have done this.

 

I'm dating this guy who I've been friends with for about a year. He's liked me from the start, but things only happened between us a few months ago. He lives a while away from me, so we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like, but we speak every day.

 

He told me that he'd slept with someone else about a month and a half ago, and that it was a one night stand. We'd never actually talked about exclusivity at that point, so although it bothered me (still does bother me), I let it do. He also said he's still in touch with her, but "not in that way" and that "nothing's going on". I chose to believe him, but it does still play on my mind.

 

Last time he was at mine, almost a month ago, he told me that he loves me. I told him I feel the same way too. He also said that he was thinking about moving to where I live.

 

I've been at his for a few days now, and he's been really sweet and told me again a few times that he loves me.

 

But, I still had this nagging thought in my mind about this girl he's still in touch with. Why would you keep in touch with a one night stand and it not be at least flirty? ... He's gone out and left his Facebook profile logged on. I shouldn't have, but I took a quick scroll down his messages. I just wanted to know who she was, and if it was flirty.

 

Anyway, I've found that just last week, he was messaging some girl telling her that he wants to see her again soon and that she turns him on, and other similar messages.

 

I don't know what to do It's my own fault, I shouldn't have read the messages, I know this. But I felt like something was going on, and it turns out I was right.

 

Should I say anything to him? I don't know what to do. How do I admit to reading his messages? I feel bad for reading but at the same time, wtf? He's telling me he loves me while telling this other girl that he wants to see her again. He'll be back soon, I don't know what to do

 

RED FLAG.

 

I think it was your trust of him that just flew out of the window.

 

The Facebook snooping wasn't a good idea, but when viewed in the light of what you've found, it's not the biggest issue on the table.

 

Delete, block, forget.

[toscaroscura]

I would be so angry that I would just leave him on the spot, and tell him I don't tolerate cheaters and that he's a rotten "friend" to boot.

 

At that point, I really wouldn't give a hoot about the finer points of the morality of snooping. This is the information you have, like it or not, and this is your life. What's the alternative, to stay with the cheater because Snooping Is Wrong and you have to keep this dark secret forever?

[Satu]

I would be so angry that I would just leave him on the spot, and tell him I don't tolerate cheaters and that he's a rotten "friend" to boot.

 

At that point, I really wouldn't give a hoot about the finer points of the morality of snooping. This is the information you have, like it or not, and this is your life. What's the alternative, to stay with the cheater because Snooping Is Wrong and you have to keep this dark secret forever?

 

^^^ This ^^^

[JaneDoe12]

The moment you started snooping on his things was the moment you should've known things would have to end, even if you had found nothing as awful as that. If there's no trust there's really no point in being in a relationship.

 

Leave his ass asap. And you can tell him just that: there was no trust and knowing things could never go back to the way they were you looked at his Facebook just to know if your gut instincts were right or not, even knowing you shouldn't have done it.

 

The fact he had a one night stand with someone when you guys already knew each other was already a red flag. I think it's common sense to expect the other not to be fooling around with other people, unless there's a very clear statement that none of you are exclusive.

 

I'm sorry you have to go through this but you really are better off. Don't waste anymore time on this guy.

[d0nnivain]

While snooping isn't ideal, you followed your gut because you knew something was wrong. Now that you know, what are you going to do with the info? when you tell him what you found he will get mad but he probably won't be apologetic about trying to hook up with the other girl.

[Quest]

He's telling you he loves you and will move to be near you and then you find out he's got something else going on ... Nope! If that's not a red flag, I don't know what is. How you could you ever trust him?

Agree with the other posters - so what about the snooping, given what he's done.

[AmIOK]

Thanks for the replies. You're all right, I need to just end this right now.

 

It's gonna be hard because I really did love him. And I know that when I tell him about this, he's gonna make it harder by saying that he's never actually asked me to be his girlfriend. But, to me at least, "I love you" and me saying it back to him, and him telling me he wanted to move to the area I live, kinda meant that he wasn't gonna sleep with anyone else. Was I even right to assume that?

[Quest]

But, to me at least, "I love you" and me saying it back to him, and him telling me he wanted to move to the area I live, kinda meant that he wasn't gonna sleep with anyone else. Was I even right to assume that?

 

I'd say 'yes'. I know there's the 'exclusivity talk' matter but, really, I'd assume if someone tells me they love me and want to move to be near me that they are serious about me/'us'. It would kind of bypass any need for an 'exclusivity talk' ... Perhaps that's naive, given what's happened, and maybe in future you'll want to have that talk with someone, whatever they're saying. I doubt if he'd have been honest if you'd had that talk but perhaps you'd have seen from the way he answered that he wasn't being honest.

[d0nnivain]

Thanks for the replies. You're all right, I need to just end this right now.

 

It's gonna be hard because I really did love him. And I know that when I tell him about this, he's gonna make it harder by saying that he's never actually asked me to be his girlfriend. But, to me at least, "I love you" and me saying it back to him, and him telling me he wanted to move to the area I live, kinda meant that he wasn't gonna sleep with anyone else. Was I even right to assume that?

 

No. It's never a good idea to assume. When you do, this is what happens.

 

Nail everything down & be skeptical. Not necessarily untrusting but cautious.

[CarrieT]

But, to me at least, "I love you" and me saying it back to him, and him telling me he wanted to move to the area I live, kinda meant that he wasn't gonna sleep with anyone else. Was I even right to assume that?

Biggest problem in this scenario is that you ASSUMED something about a relationship without clearly asking and discussing.

 

As painful as all this is, take it as a lesson learned - and a hard one.

 

If the "Love" word is bantered about, then it is time to discuss parameters and expectations, with NO assumptions.

 

Remember: assume = to make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'.

[georgia girl]

Thanks for the replies. You're all right, I need to just end this right now.

 

It's gonna be hard because I really did love him. And I know that when I tell him about this, he's gonna make it harder by saying that he's never actually asked me to be his girlfriend. But, to me at least, "I love you" and me saying it back to him, and him telling me he wanted to move to the area I live, kinda meant that he wasn't gonna sleep with anyone else. Was I even right to assume that?

 

I didn't get all the way through this, I just got to this post. B@ll**** on him. If you are in a relationship, you don't cheat. If he pulls that card on you, look at him for a second and sear that memory into your brain. ANYONE who would tell you he loves you, spend time with you as your girlfriend/boyfriend and then is skanky enough to turn around and cheat on you and THEN, THEN tell you, "Well, you weren't my girlfriend," is an absolute creeper. Sear this moment, his words into your brain and promise yourself you will NEVER, EVER fall for a man who would do that to you again. (I correct myself, child who would do this to you again.)

 

 

I would also suggest that in future, before you become intimate with someone, demand exclusivity. Guys who really like you won't run away from that. They'll embrace it. It's the "toothbrush" rule. Your guy is a toothbrush. You don't share.

 

 

If the guy does balk, it's your clue to run as fast and as far as you can away from him. Because this guy is not worth your time and it's best you find that out before you develop any real feelings for him.

 

 

Snooping is never ideal, but in your case, your snooping was because you knew something is wrong. If he throws that in your face, your response can be, "Huh. I never thought of that. Trustworthy people don't fear someone snooping. You really weren't trustworthy, huh?" Then walk away. Or tell him that's he's a creep and didn't deserve you. Whatever you feel like as long as your last move is walking away.

 

 

By the way, living well is the best revenge. When you're ready, find someone worthy of you and live well. I guarantee you that a guy like this will have drama, heartbreak, and a series of lonely, pathetic relationships in his future.

 

 

Good luck!

[Ieris]

Good thing you checked or he would have played you like a fool!

 

Don't even say anything to him because he would just lie to your face. I would just disappear on him, he doesn't even deserve an explanation.

[JaneDoe12]

Thanks for the replies. You're all right, I need to just end this right now.

 

It's gonna be hard because I really did love him. And I know that when I tell him about this, he's gonna make it harder by saying that he's never actually asked me to be his girlfriend. But, to me at least, "I love you" and me saying it back to him, and him telling me he wanted to move to the area I live, kinda meant that he wasn't gonna sleep with anyone else. Was I even right to assume that?

 

In your circumstances, I think a normal person would assume the same thing, but hey, as you have unfortunately seen, there are a lot of creeps in the world so maybe have that talk when you start a relationship with somebody, just in case. I don't think it would be necessary to have it because it just seems obvious to me but be cautious anyway.

 

And I agree with georgia girl, shame on him if he starts with the whole "you're not my girlfriend" thing. That's just a lame excuse he'll find to make himself feel better. Don't listen to him. You have every right to feel disrespected and leave his sorry butt. This guy told you he loved you and planned to move in with you. No lazy excuse will change that. Don't even waste your time on that.

[smackie9]

Girl you don't owe him any explanation, you just end it and cut him off, NO CONTACT, don't answer his calls, nothing....

 

Before you walk out that door make sure you leave the FB page open and he will figure it out.

[writergal]

Here's the thing; promises don't mean squat (sorry to say) until they are followed through on. Actions always speak louder than words.

 

Sure, you can nail things down with the exclusivity talk before you get intimate with sex and the "I love you's," but that still won't guarantee relationship fidelity from your partner. With relationships, there are no guarantees. To believe that is to be naive.

 

Relationships require on-going communication, follow-up action to back-up promises made, a lot of trust, commitment and a desire to be together.

 

I was in your situation where the guy I dated "promised" me exclusivity, and even proposed marriage to me. Yet the entire time we dated, he'd been carrying on with a work colleague whom he had an affair with during his first marriage, whom he is now married to, after he dumped me. Had he wanted to be with me, he would have ended his affair as soon as he'd met me and been exclusive with me. I was devastated that he used me the way that he did. Took me three years to recover from that.

 

If you have any shred of integrity or self-esteem you will confront him on his cheating and then break-up with him. He's slept with another woman despite telling you he loves you. That is reprehensible behavior and he is not someone you can ever trust again. If you do, the onus is on you. He will lie to you and manipulate you, so he can continue to philander behind your back, since you two live far away from each other and it would be easy for him to do so.

 

And please, don't believe any lip service he gives you, especially if he tries to lecture you on snooping. Guilt trips are a deflective tactic cheaters like to use so they don't have to feel remorse or guilt for what they've done to hurt another person. You knew something was off, so your snooping was justified. Anyone who sits on their high horse about snooping, is probably a huge snooper too.

 

Treat this as a learning experience, so that the next time you meet a guy you fall for, you can be upfront with him about what you expect, what your standards are, what you won't put up with and hopefully he will comply. If he doesn't, then you kick him to the curb, lick your wounds, heal, and try again.

[writergal]

One of my favorite bands from the 1980s, Naked Eyes, has the perfect song for your thread, OP.

 

.

 

Never had a doubt in the beginning

Never a doubt

Trusted you true in the beginning

I loved you right through

 

On and on we laughed like kids

At all the silly things we did

You made me promises, promises

Knowing I'd believe promises, promises

You knew you'd never keep

 

Second time around, I'm still believing

The words that you said

You said you'd always be here

 

And love forever still repeats in my head

You can't finish what you start

If this is love it breaks my heart

 

You made me promises, promises

You knew you'd never keep

Promises, promises

Why do I believe?

 

On and on we laughed like kids

At all the silly things we did

But you can't finish what you start

If this is love it breaks my heart

 

You made me promises, promises

You knew you'd never keep

Promises, promises

Why do I believe?

 

All of your promises

You knew you'd never keep

Promises, promises

Why do I believe?

 

Promises

Promises

Promises

Promises

Promises

Promises

[Satu]

He'll almost certainly tell you that what you read doesn't mean what you think, that he loves you and only you, and please give me another chance.

 

Don't give him another chance, because he's a proven liar and cheat, and he's only telling you more lies.

 

Be fierce in your resolve to never to let anyone treat you the way he has.

 

What he did is inexcusable.

[PogoStick]

I disagree with everyone. You were long distance and not exclusive. He can certainly care for you deeply but desire companionship in your absence. I wouldn't put my life on hold for someone I rarely see, even though she may be the girl I desire the most. I wouldn't consider it a serious relationship until we live close enough to see each other on a regular basis.

 

So I would find it possible to say and feel those things about you, but I wouldn't be willing to commit myself until we could live close enough to make it a real relationship.

[smackie9]

I disagree with everyone. You were long distance and not exclusive. He can certainly care for you deeply but desire companionship in your absence. I wouldn't put my life on hold for someone I rarely see, even though she may be the girl I desire the most. I wouldn't consider it a serious relationship until we live close enough to see each other on a regular basis.

 

So I would find it possible to say and feel those things about you, but I wouldn't be willing to commit myself until we could live close enough to make it a real relationship.

 

It was more than just dating, he told her he loved her and invited to live together. No one just macks on others just before they are ready to commit to living together. You are serious before you decide to take that next step. You don't "start" a serious relationship by moving in together.

 

It's obvious this guy was going to work around it and still see other women.

[hoping2heal]

While I don't advocate snooping it was done and that cannot be changed. What you found out while snooping just saved you umpteen months wasted you would have spent with someone who was cheating on and lying to you about it.

 

"Wtf?" is right. Time to dump.

[AmIOK]

I dumped him and got the train home that night.

 

Thanks again to everyone for the advice, helped a lot

[Satu]

I dumped him and got the train home that night.

 

Thanks again to everyone for the advice, helped a lot

 

Well done.

 

You did the right thing.

[kendahke]

I know, I know I shouldn't have done this.

 

I'm dating this guy who I've been friends with for about a year. He's liked me from the start, but things only happened between us a few months ago. He lives a while away from me, so we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like, but we speak every day.

 

He told me that he'd slept with someone else about a month and a half ago, and that it was a one night stand. We'd never actually talked about exclusivity at that point, so although it bothered me (still does bother me), I let it do. He also said he's still in touch with her, but "not in that way" and that "nothing's going on". I chose to believe him, but it does still play on my mind.

 

Last time he was at mine, almost a month ago, he told me that he loves me. I told him I feel the same way too. He also said that he was thinking about moving to where I live.

 

I've been at his for a few days now, and he's been really sweet and told me again a few times that he loves me.

 

But, I still had this nagging thought in my mind about this girl he's still in touch with. Why would you keep in touch with a one night stand and it not be at least flirty? ... He's gone out and left his Facebook profile logged on. I shouldn't have, but I took a quick scroll down his messages. I just wanted to know who she was, and if it was flirty.

 

Anyway, I've found that just last week, he was messaging some girl telling her that he wants to see her again soon and that she turns him on, and other similar messages.

 

I don't know what to do It's my own fault, I shouldn't have read the messages, I know this. But I felt like something was going on, and it turns out I was right.

 

Should I say anything to him? I don't know what to do. How do I admit to reading his messages? I feel bad for reading but at the same time, wtf? He's telling me he loves me while telling this other girl that he wants to see her again. He'll be back soon, I don't know what to do

 

This is the burden of being right sometimes--you're firmly between Scylla and Charibdys.

 

Seriously, what else can you say to him? You breached his privacy and you're keeping it from him--to continue in this vein means you're being just as deceitful as he's been. Two wrongs don't make a right, hon.

 

Back a month ago when you exchanged "I love you's", did you also both make a declaration of exclusivity at that time or did you assume "I love you" was a contract for exclusivity?

 

I think you need to tell him what you did and end it. The trust is gone now. It's really pointless to continue because nothing is going to spin the earth backwards to the moment before either he told you what he did or you chose to snoop. Truth be told, trust was on its way out the moment he told you about the one night stand. He should have kept that to himself. He's never going to be the guy you thought he was before he told you about the ONS.. that dude is long gone now. Who you have is who you have in front of you now: a guy who creeps other women on Facebook behind your back. Is that who you want to be with? Are you going to like or be happy with the person you have to turn into in order to keep this guy in your life?