yoshibabe Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I have been with my boyfriens for almost 6 monthes. Our sex life has changed dramatically . We used to have sex twice a week, now we haven't had it for a month. We sleep together sometimes, but no sex. He seems not interested. I feel rejected and unattractive . He likes to hold my hands, snuggle with me, and kisses me all the time but just no sex anymore. What has changes? Has he been cheating? One thing besides the possibly cheating is that he is a heavy week smoker, he dabbs hash oil frequently too. I didn't know it when we started dating, I thought he was just smoke it sometimes with his friends. But then I realized that he can't live a day without weed. We went out of the town in a couple weekends, he had serious withdrawn - stomach issue and irritation. We went a week vacation in PR, he had to buy week locally. However once we come back from vacation, he couldn't wait to hit it hard. Then he got into panic attack. He was scared and told me that he would cut it down. Since then- he still smoke, but our sex life is over. what should I do? was the no week talks made him resent me?
Omei Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) Weed makes you unmotivated, and eventually you get sleepy and wanna nap or just not want to do anything. Doing activity's like sex might be unappealing high. Edited January 3, 2015 by Omei 2
mortensorchid Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Specifically ask him why it is that you are not doing IT as much as before. Otherwise are you having a good time and doing all the things you were doing before? If not, then you have a problem here. 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 It's going to be difficult but you REALLY need to speak to him about it. A sexless relationship just ain't right for either of you after only six short months. There are couples happily shagging into their sixties and seventies, if it's like this for you now, can you imagine how bad it'll be down the line? People's sex drives rarely evaporate equally on both sides, and serious problems can crop up if one party has shut down sexually and the other still wants a healthy sex life. Speak to him about it. Ask him straight out. Just say 'I'm sure you've noticed too we've barely been near each other sexually lately... is there something you want to discuss about the way things are going with us?' Don't accuse him of anything, just stay cool and open the dialogue. It really could be anything... maybe the drugs are killing his sex drive. Maybe he has erectile dysfunction problems. Maybe he doesn't feel you have sexual chemistry so he's losing interest in sleeping with you because it isn't good for whatever reason. Maybe he has some emotional problems you don't know about that are making him lose interest in sex... only he knows. But you need to find out, because you're not going to be happy in the relationship much longer if you feel rejected, unhappy and unsatisfied. Do you try and initiate sex and get rejected, or are you actually just not initiating but have noticed that he isn't initiating either? I'm assuming you've tried the usual stuff to spice things up...? 3
Author yoshibabe Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Thank you so much for your responses. I have tries to initiate sex but he always tell me that he's too tired and shut me off. I have tries to dress up sexy, and he told me he's tired when he saw me. He likes kisses and holding hands and want to move in together. I don't even know how to start this conversation with him about sex. I thought maybe I am too available for him because we work together and spend a lot of time together ? Maybe I should step back a little? 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Thank you so much for your responses. I have tries to initiate sex but he always tell me that he's too tired and shut me off. I have tries to dress up sexy, and he told me he's tired when he saw me. He likes kisses and holding hands and want to move in together. I don't even know how to start this conversation with him about sex. I thought maybe I am too available for him because we work together and spend a lot of time together ? Maybe I should step back a little? Nah, this is just as much his responsibility to fix as it is yours, and it sounds like you've already put in more effort than some people would bother to. Whatever you do, I hope it goes without saying, don't talk any further about living together unless this gets resolved. It's not being 'too available' to him, otherwise how would partners who live together keep up sex lives after years together? Enough to conceive children? If his sexual desire for you or anyone else was based on scarcity of availability then there will never be a healthy sexual dynamic between the pair of you. It's hard to talk about sex, but it's going to be necessary. He obviously keeps blowing you off with the 'I'm too tired' excuse, that could be understandable once or twice after a mad shift at work but when it's his go-to reason for not wanting to have sex with you, I don't believe it's truthful. There's some reason going on there, you just don't know what it is yet. Personally when I have to talk about really tough things like that with someone, I like to do it in bed before going to sleep, when it's all dark and cosy, there's less pressure because you're not both sat in broad daylight staring at each other, it allows you both to stare off into space and to have time to think about how you want to respond. And you're already in the same place, which is helpful if he's the sort to storm off into another room or try and change the subject. Like I say, just come out with it and ask if he's noticed too that there isn't much sexual intimacy between you both. And ask him if he has any idea why it's dropped off. Don't accuse, or get over emotional, just talk about it. Because I promise you, it won't get any better without taking some kind of action now. 3
Satu Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 This is obviously something that will have to be talked about. Just be perfectly clear about how you are feeling, and say what you need to say. If possible, have that talk when he's not been using.
Author yoshibabe Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Thank you so much for the suggestion. We used to sleep together .. now he doesn't want to sleep over. Even he does, he fell asleep in nano second and gets up run out of my place like there's a monster going to kill him. I will try to find a night to talk to him about it.
central Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 It sounds like a serious issue, and one that will be very difficult to resolve without medical and/or therapy. He may also have a very low libido - sex only twice a week in the beginning of a relationship (assuming you could see each other more often), is an indication. You should have been all over each other the first few months, daily or twice daily! 1
BluEyeL Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I don't think this issue will resolve. You'll either have to come to terms that if you stay together you'll just have sex a few times a year, or you have to break up with him now. I have a good friend who has a very nice live-in boyfriend of 3 years, they get along beautifully, but the exact same thing happened to her. They had regular sex just for the first three months of their relationship, and after that it became less and less until it got to ridiculous frequencies such as 2-3X/YEAR. No discussion solved it. He blamed it on the fact that he's over 30!! Say what? lol She's not gonna leave him, she's resigned with this because she says he treats her nice and she is afraid to look for someone else because she has a child from a previous marriage and she considers herself as having "baggage" because of that. Their life are also intertwined now, it's more complicated to break up. You have to do it early. I suggest you just break up. There are other men out there and you'll find someone else to have a normal life with. 2
Author yoshibabe Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 We work at the same place. he's house is 3 miles away from mine. He'd rather txt msgs and talking on phone than coming to mine or asking me to his place. I think I will have a talk with him. Then if nothing changes- He is 28 years old! I will not choose a sexually incompatible relationship . I have to break up with him. Life is too short to live in doubt. 4
Dallers Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Weed kills libido. When I use to smoke it not only did it destroy the relationship I was in I did not maintain a healthy partner for 2 years afterwards until I stopped smoking. Literally within weeks of stopping I found someone. It is not the drug itself that is bad but the side effects. They change you more than you can possibly imagine. 3
Author yoshibabe Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Weed kills libido. When I use to smoke it not only did it destroy the relationship I was in I did not maintain a healthy partner for 2 years afterwards until I stopped smoking. Literally within weeks of stopping I found someone. It is not the drug itself that is bad but the side effects. They change you more than you can possibly imagine. I agree with you. I noticed that he used to never smoke in front of me when we started dating so I had the feeling that he's not heavy weed smoker. Lately he has been smoking in front of me and he does the hash oil thing multiple times a day. It is scary. I don't want to ask him to choose between me and the herb. He should be mature enough to know a herb won'r cook for him, a herb won't love him .. He doesn't think weed is the problem of his health and our relationship. I am not sure I can convince him with it. He has to learn it himself, however, I don't think I can wait for that day to come. It is beyond frustrating 3
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I dated a guy who led me to believe, at the start, that he smoked weed maybe once or twice every week or two... and that he wanted to stop. Three months in it transpired he smoked practically every day. I wasn't happy with it, he wouldn't quit. He ended up dumping me a couple months later anyway, and while at the time I was gutted, I'm so happy in retrospect. Your boyfriend isn't going to give up something he's clearly dependent on, that he does multiple times per day, for a girl he's been seeing several months. He probably won't quit it for anyone, he'll just stay single so he can keep using or make sure the next girlfriend is a stoner too. But... I don't honestly get the impression that his Cannabis is the root cause of your sexual incompatibility. I've known too many pot smokers who have a healthy libido and couldn't keep their hands off me. I'm afraid to say I think he'd be the same even if he wasn't smoking weed. Your real problem here is sexual incompatibility, and not gelling in bed. Don't make the mistake of trying to focus on the drug use hoping that better sex will follow. 1
Author yoshibabe Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 I dated a guy who led me to believe, at the start, that he smoked weed maybe once or twice every week or two... and that he wanted to stop. Three months in it transpired he smoked practically every day. I wasn't happy with it, he wouldn't quit. He ended up dumping me a couple months later anyway, and while at the time I was gutted, I'm so happy in retrospect. Your boyfriend isn't going to give up something he's clearly dependent on, that he does multiple times per day, for a girl he's been seeing several months. He probably won't quit it for anyone, he'll just stay single so he can keep using or make sure the next girlfriend is a stoner too. But... I don't honestly get the impression that his Cannabis is the root cause of your sexual incompatibility. I've known too many pot smokers who have a healthy libido and couldn't keep their hands off me. I'm afraid to say I think he'd be the same even if he wasn't smoking weed. Your real problem here is sexual incompatibility, and not gelling in bed. Don't make the mistake of trying to focus on the drug use hoping that better sex will follow. good point! I am not going to blame the weed. It couls be a lot of things. I will have to comminicate with him. I have told him that before we buy a house, We have to communicate more indeepth about the relationship. we will talk sometime next week. I don't want to be miserble . I won't ask him to change for me and I also can't change myself for him. Life is too short to live in resentment..
Omei Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I agree with you. I noticed that he used to never smoke in front of me when we started dating so I had the feeling that he's not heavy weed smoker. Lately he has been smoking in front of me and he does the hash oil thing multiple times a day. It is scary. I don't want to ask him to choose between me and the herb. He should be mature enough to know a herb won'r cook for him, a herb won't love him .. He doesn't think weed is the problem of his health and our relationship. I am not sure I can convince him with it. He has to learn it himself, however, I don't think I can wait for that day to come. It is beyond frustrating If he smokes hash hes a very heavy weed smoker its no secrect on this form that I also smoke and I dont even smoke oil thats pretty dedicated and I can tell you it does make you tired after about three hours you need a nap I never smoke on days I have to work for that very reason, and my sex drive is low and high when not smoking. A lot of users like me use it for many things it takes away my foot pain, when my back locks up and I have issues sleeping without it, im a high stress person that gets upset quickly, I become a more positive person when naturally im very negitive and depressed its given me maby uses and ive come to rely on it for relaxation I rather smoke than drink and I rather smoke than take pain killers for some people its a way of life im telling you this because if hes all into oils and stuff hes prob a lifer and wont give it up for you so dont be surprised ive done it for 11 years and I haven't even dabbled in oil and hash that takes dedication to find. I wouldnt ever date anyone that wasn't okay with my habit some peope dont understand it or have education on it. But there are side effects low motivation, tiredness, low sex drive, increased hunger, again if hes still smoking at 28 hes passed that whole young phase and is prob a lifer if you cant accept I think you should break up with him, he will prob start just smoking behind your back. He prob kept it on the down low and felt comfortable with the fact you were okay with it and and so now your seeing the full extent. Ask him how long hes smoked for, ask him if hes willing to only do it with his friends or ask him if hes willing to quit but dont be shocked if he doesn't idk where its like where you are but where I live, Canada smokers are found as much as cigarette users finding a partner thats accepting of it isnt difficult and he thinks your accepting of it so you two need to HASH IT OUT ahaha get it !!!! 2
acrosstheuniverse Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 good point! I am not going to blame the weed. It couls be a lot of things. I will have to comminicate with him. I have told him that before we buy a house, We have to communicate more indeepth about the relationship. we will talk sometime next week. I don't want to be miserble . I won't ask him to change for me and I also can't change myself for him. Life is too short to live in resentment.. Final piece of advice I will fling at you... do NOT buy a house with someone you've known six months. If you're insistent on moving in, then rent together to see if you can coexist under the same room before you enter into a legally binding contract together. And if you do move into a rental property together, choose a relatively short lease if possible (like, six months, as opposed to a year) and make sure you have a contingency plan for in case it doesn't work out. Might seem a little over-cautious but when things aren't exactly going brilliantly between you two to begin with, going all-in and buying a house together for your first co-habitation is begging for a disaster. Good luck, and keep us posted 3
somedude81 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Six months is way too soon for the sex to drop off. And it sounds like you haven't had sex at all in one month. End it now since it will only be downhill from here.
Author yoshibabe Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Thank you so much for all the inputs.. I will definitely talk to him about it in person next week. During the few times of sex we had.. he always come in 1-2 minutes. together with foreplay it won't last more than 10 minutes. If I give him oral.. he comes in like 3 - 5 minutes. I thought maybe his low sex drive is relates to performance anxious?? I wanted to give him some time, but it is increasingly frustrating . I am afraid he might think I am ok with it... Def won't move in together until we figure this out!
PogoStick Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Weed makes you unmotivated, and eventually you get sleepy and wanna nap or just not want to do anything. Doing activity's like sex might be unappealing high. Hell no! Sex is awesome with weed! Although for heavy users it can affect them similar to using anti-depressant drugs (SSRI) which can affect libido and orgasm. Truth be told, the problem is likely related to weed, addiction, and depression. Not weed specifically, but that his entire life is a mess. 2
somedude81 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Thank you so much for all the inputs.. I will definitely talk to him about it in person next week. During the few times of sex we had.. he always come in 1-2 minutes. together with foreplay it won't last more than 10 minutes. If I give him oral.. he comes in like 3 - 5 minutes. I thought maybe his low sex drive is relates to performance anxious?? I wanted to give him some time, but it is increasingly frustrating . I am afraid he might think I am ok with it... Def won't move in together until we figure this out! Wow, it sounds like the sex has always been bad. I'm surprised you were able to put up with it for this long. How important is sex to you in a relationship?
Author yoshibabe Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Wow, it sounds like the sex has always been bad. I'm surprised you were able to put up with it for this long. How important is sex to you in a relationship? Sex is very important for me in a relationship. For me, it is a great part of intimacy. I love holding hands and passionate kissing. I also enjoy just hang out watching tv.. but I really need the memoriable sex to feel more connected with my partner. I understand life isn't always the way we like,I know i have to compromise but to what extend?
jezzika Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 While I doubt that Cannabis is the issue, find out if he is smoking Sativa or Indica. If he's getting high off of Indica strains only, that's where the tiredness comes from and actually could be part of the issue. It can affect the libido in some people, especially with heavy use. Sativa strains are more uplifting and even motivate some people. So, maybe that's something to take into consideration. Regardless, you need a good sexual relationship no matter what, so good luck with the talk.
Author yoshibabe Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Hell no! Sex is awesome with weed! Although for heavy users it can affect them similar to using anti-depressant drugs (SSRI) which can affect libido and orgasm. Truth be told, the problem is likely related to weed, addiction, and depression. Not weed specifically, but that his entire life is a mess. He can't go a day without weed. If he doesn't smoke that day, he will have stomach issue and very moody. during our one week vacation time, he only could smoke 1 joint a day because he couldn't find more weed locally and no hash oil. We had sex everyday even just 3 minutes.. the last day of vacation because he didn't have any more weed, he suffered stomach issue. He dabbs hash oil/ wax multiple times a day- it is scary. Since he promised me not to dabbing that often ( probably doing it on my back), he has to use a vap pen to smoke the co2 oil everytime we hang out at mine. I guess the weed issue is more hard to swallow than cheating?!??
Author yoshibabe Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 While I doubt that Cannabis is the issue, find out if he is smoking Sativa or Indica. If he's getting high off of Indica strains only, that's where the tiredness comes from and actually could be part of the issue. It can affect the libido in some people, especially with heavy use. Sativa strains are more uplifting and even motivate some people. So, maybe that's something to take into consideration. Regardless, you need a good sexual relationship no matter what, so good luck with the talk. I asked him about it.. he always say its wax/ hash oil from some kush ... and co2 oil...
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