JJOlay Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Hi everyone, Im in pain at the moment... Im not quite sure what to think. My gf of 4 years got into a DUI. She is short on cash so couldn't afford an attorney. 3 more days until the trial. Weeks ago I tried to give her advice and told her how important it is to have an attorney. We got into a bit of a heated discussion tonight. I offered her to pay whatever she can't for the attorney to help her out. And she basically said it's too late because she works everyday until the trial. And that I *NOW* offered my help. I told her I offered my help a long time ago, just not my money. . . So is that "help" to her? I know she never respected my words despite what ever advice/knowledge I would try to impart. But I only "helped" when I offered money.. I already lent her 600$ to help her work. I... I don't get it... Do words have no meaning? Do they matter? I put a lot of thought into my words before I speak them. Especially when it comes to advice... Especially when it's advice to my partner. But she really told me I didn't help her until tonight. . . It came out guys... Is that what she really thinks? Do my words have no weight with this woman? I mean when I give advice I try to just give the hard truth. I mean, you may not like what I have to say but I feel in my heart and soul it's what you need to hear. And she really told me that... So I'm not really "helping" until I offer money. Can someone explain to me why this might be?
Noproblem Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 because actions speaks louder than words as someone who always gives the ugly truth, I can guarantee you they never listen and they never like our advice and concern. if she ever listened, she wouldn't even driven while she was drunk.. reason, logic say do not drive while drunk but she never cared, did she? but you as her boyfriend should stand by her and support her with what ever you can we are not speaking about a girl who you met at the bar or someone you knew for less than a year she was you girlfriend for 4 years now! 4 years worth more than just words and advice you either leave her because she is irrational and reckless or you stand by her with whatever you can
Eddy Street Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 So she gets into a DUI in the first place. What kind of person does that? Unless she had an emergency and absolutely had to drive in that condition, what she did is reckless and no doubt a comment on her personality. Then she gets mad at you for supporting her because you did not offer money. Money, money, money and instability. It's time you seek some help for your myopia. 2
maysj18 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) Just to play devil's advocate here: your advice may not have been good advice. Or advice she would be able to use. You can talk all day about what "needs" to happen, but doesn't mean it's possible. I just know a lot of people who have tons of advice up their sleeve that they can't wait to dish out, but it's never anything tangible. It's always vague, repetitive, or just obvious as hell. Kind of like someone giving you a bottle of beer, but no bottle opener or something. You know what I mean. Disclaimer: People who drive drunk deserve jail with no bail BUT that's not really what we're talking about. It could be that the money offer is the first bit of help you've offered so far that she feels she can actually work with. She may have been just as pleased if you got a business card of a lawyer who does pro bono work on the side. Who knows? Edited January 3, 2015 by maysj18 1
hoping2heal Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Hi everyone, Im in pain at the moment... Im not quite sure what to think. My gf of 4 years got into a DUI. She is short on cash so couldn't afford an attorney. 3 more days until the trial. Weeks ago I tried to give her advice and told her how important it is to have an attorney. We got into a bit of a heated discussion tonight. I offered her to pay whatever she can't for the attorney to help her out. And she basically said it's too late because she works everyday until the trial. And that I *NOW* offered my help. I told her I offered my help a long time ago, just not my money. . . So is that "help" to her? I know she never respected my words despite what ever advice/knowledge I would try to impart. But I only "helped" when I offered money.. I already lent her 600$ to help her work. I... I don't get it... Do words have no meaning? Do they matter? I put a lot of thought into my words before I speak them. Especially when it comes to advice... Especially when it's advice to my partner. But she really told me I didn't help her until tonight. . . It came out guys... Is that what she really thinks? Do my words have no weight with this woman? I mean when I give advice I try to just give the hard truth. I mean, you may not like what I have to say but I feel in my heart and soul it's what you need to hear. And she really told me that... So I'm not really "helping" until I offer money. Can someone explain to me why this might be? You just said you advised her it would be important to get an attorney, additionally, you said she can not afford one. You offer her money for an attorney a few days prior to the trial. I'm not even saying I think it is up to you to give her money for an attorney - but - what do you mean your words have no weight? You said she could not afford an attorney, so what was she supposed to do with you telling her to get one? She can't get one if she can't afford one. That doesn't mean she's disregarding your advice. It sounds like she feels irritated in the sense of.."why didn't you offer me money early on vs. last minute" Now, do I think its your obligation to provide her with money for an attorney? No, I don't. I don't think she entitled to it at all but you have already said she can't afford one so I'm not sure why you think she "doesn't listen to it". Is there any reason why you waited until the last minute to offer the money? 1
bathtub-row Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 You just said you advised her it would be important to get an attorney, additionally, you said she can not afford one. You offer her money for an attorney a few days prior to the trial. I'm not even saying I think it is up to you to give her money for an attorney - but - what do you mean your words have no weight? You said she could not afford an attorney, so what was she supposed to do with you telling her to get one? She can't get one if she can't afford one. That doesn't mean she's disregarding your advice. It sounds like she feels irritated in the sense of.."why didn't you offer me money early on vs. last minute" Now, do I think its your obligation to provide her with money for an attorney? No, I don't. I don't think she entitled to it at all but you have already said she can't afford one so I'm not sure why you think she "doesn't listen to it". Is there any reason why you waited until the last minute to offer the money? I completely agree with this. 1
Country_Girl Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I got a DUI 10 years ago- horrible experience, was drinking at a friends and we had previously discussed we weren't going out so nobody would have to drive home. She threatened me with a knife in the middle of sleep, so I left in a drunken stumper. Turns out she was bipolar. But I'll tell u this, I had a long term boyfriend at the time, for about 4 years. I had to do a bunch of **** to make it right with the state, but never once did I make it more to him than a listening ear. As ****ty as the circumstances were, I never accepted nor asked for money from him. I lost my license for 3 months and never once asked him for a ride, even though we lived together. Want to know why? It wasn't his problem, and I wasn't about to make it his problem too. My point is, even if it's not her fault, even if she ran into ****ty circumstances- it's not your mess to clean. This falls on her...the next time she guilt trips you, ask her "at what point did this become my responsibility". The answer is, it never was.
Noproblem Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) I got a DUI 10 years ago- horrible experience, was drinking at a friends and we had previously discussed we weren't going out so nobody would have to drive home. She threatened me with a knife in the middle of sleep, so I left in a drunken stumper. Turns out she was bipolar. But I'll tell u this, I had a long term boyfriend at the time, for about 4 years. I had to do a bunch of **** to make it right with the state, but never once did I make it more to him than a listening ear. As ****ty as the circumstances were, I never accepted nor asked for money from him. I lost my license for 3 months and never once asked him for a ride, even though we lived together. Want to know why? It wasn't his problem, and I wasn't about to make it his problem too. My point is, even if it's not her fault, even if she ran into ****ty circumstances- it's not your mess to clean. This falls on her...the next time she guilt trips you, ask her "at what point did this become my responsibility". The answer is, it never was. I agree with you on so many stuff yes, if I was in her place I wouldn't ask for someone's help I work out the mess myself but! Noooooo if you love someone it's your responsibilty to help him out what is the difference between a husband or 4 years boyfriend just a paper! if he was her husband people would have said he should stand by her! I mean why people are getting so selfish so when they have fun and get laid they are one but when one of them gets in trouble the other says oh well take care dear but that's not my responsibility! People have forgotten what means to love someone and stand by him or her It's for better or worse they didn't say the vows yet but 4 years is more than worth it! You stand by your lover ( if he's been good to you ) if he is a bad person who can't stop falling in problems and does not appreciate your help ever, that's when you say No ... goodbye and you go find you someone that deserves you But if your lover is a good person who loves you back I don't see why you can be selfish to let him be alone facing this problem without any kind of support except for advice and tips! ( I don't know the op girlfriend she should be a drama queen and with drinking addiction or she could be just someone who got in a trouble and needed support for once or twice, but I am talking in general here) Edited January 3, 2015 by Noproblem
coolheadal Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Not much you can do with her in this state of mind. DUI is very serious today. Even if you offered to help her and it sounds like she doesn't need your help since she has worked everyday to get the money. I guess you had your reason about the money. Right now you can't figure her out so your in a panic state. You need to relax since your not the one convicted of DUI. Don't become her escape, she needs to face the music and learn why not to drink and drive. All you can do right now as her BF is to be supportive. That counts for something maybe she can't understand or just too stubborn right now because of DUI.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 You just said you advised her it would be important to get an attorney, additionally, you said she can not afford one. You offer her money for an attorney a few days prior to the trial. I'm not even saying I think it is up to you to give her money for an attorney - but - what do you mean your words have no weight? You said she could not afford an attorney, so what was she supposed to do with you telling her to get one? She can't get one if she can't afford one. That doesn't mean she's disregarding your advice. It sounds like she feels irritated in the sense of.."why didn't you offer me money early on vs. last minute" Now, do I think its your obligation to provide her with money for an attorney? No, I don't. I don't think she entitled to it at all but you have already said she can't afford one so I'm not sure why you think she "doesn't listen to it". Is there any reason why you waited until the last minute to offer the money? All of this. Not sure what you're getting at, OP.
Country_Girl Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I agree with you on so many stuff yes, if I was in her place I wouldn't ask for someone's help I work out the mess myself but! Noooooo if you love someone it's your responsibilty to help him out what is the difference between a husband or 4 years boyfriend just a paper! if he was her husband people would have said he should stand by her! I mean why people are getting so selfish so when they have fun and get laid they are one but when one of them gets in trouble the other says oh well take care dear but that's not my responsibility! People have forgotten what means to love someone and stand by him or her It's for better or worse they didn't say the vows yet but 4 years is more than worth it! You stand by your lover ( if he's been good to you ) if he is a bad person who can't stop falling in problems and does not appreciate your help ever, that's when you say No ... goodbye and you go find you someone that deserves you But if your lover is a good person who loves you back I don't see why you can be selfish to let him be alone facing this problem without any kind of support except for advice and tips! ( I don't know the op girlfriend she should be a drama queen and with drinking addiction or she could be just someone who got in a trouble and needed support for once or twice, but I am talking in general here) That's why the divorce rate is where it's at. People don't care anymore it feels like. I had more solid relationships at 17, 19, and 22 than I do now at 32. Back then, that's how we rolled- if a partner was in trouble, we made it our problem. Now a days, thanks to the internet, people just skip on to the next prospect. It's sad. 1
CALOVELY Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Do words have no meaning? Do they matter? I put a lot of thought into my words before I speak them. Especially when it comes to advice... Especially when it's advice to my partner. But she really told me I didn't help her until tonight. . . It came out guys... Is that what she really thinks? Do my words have no weight with this woman? I mean when I give advice I try to just give the hard truth. I mean, you may not like what I have to say but I feel in my heart and soul it's what you need to hear. And she really told me that... So I'm not really "helping" until I offer money. Can someone explain to me why this might be? Six months ago you posted that you do not love your girlfriend, that you are pining away for a woman from four years ago and wanted to find a way to be with her. There is your explanation. She does not feel like you love her or have her back because you do not. Your mind is elsewhere. People in a good place do not get DUI's. For the sake of your girlfriends well being, break up with her. You are doing her no favours by being in a relationship with her while wanting to be with someone else. That is very cruel and she deserves better than that. 1
Country_Girl Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Six months ago you posted that you do not love your girlfriend, that you are pining away for a woman from four years ago and wanted to find a way to be with her. There is your explanation. She does not feel like you love her or have her back because you do not. Your mind is elsewhere. People in a good place do not get DUI's. For the sake of your girlfriends well being, break up with her. You are doing her no favours by being in a relationship with her while wanting to be with someone else. That is very cruel and she deserves better than that. Good detective work Calovely. I agree with him. Just let her go, she obviously knows something is wrong. Wether u realize it or not, people are receptive to your energy. I have to say, that's pretty crappy to string your gf along for so long. Now it sounds like u were looking for an excuse to dump her and wanted sympathy from the forum... 1
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