buddhasbelly Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Has a break ever helped you and your SO? I've been with my bf for 3 years. While we were initially dating, we said we wouldn't sleep with other people and would tell each other if we did. After we were exclusive a month later, I found that he slept with another girl once before we were exclusive. He could have easily lied to me about it but he said he didn't want to begin our relationship by being dishonest. I knew myself and I knew I wouldn't be able to trust him but he begged me to stay. I told him I would give him hell and I did for a year. I took advantage of him because I was hurt but in the process we fell in love. Trust and jealousy has always been my issue and the main source of all our problems and he is at the point where he has had enough. Our second year together, he was fed up with being abused and trying hard to win back my favor when I just simply couldn't get over it and took control of the relationship. Things haven't changed. I am still emotionally volatile and jealous and don't trust him. But when things are good, they are so good, and we are very in love and get along well. It's just when I am suspicious that it gets really bad. He has tried to help me, but I would push him away and it wouldn't work. Now, our third year is coming up and it's up to me to change. We decided to take a break for two weeks and have established not to sleep/date anyone else. I hope I can trust him this time, I have no choice either way. But this break is also meant to determine whether we would want to stay together. I do want to stay with him because I feel like this is my fault. He has tried to help me and besides the dishonesty in the past, he has all the qualities I want in a guy. He says he loves what we have and is willing to try couple's counseling. I don't even know if I can control my outbursts or ever trust him. But it's so hard to let go when I love him. If you didn't trust your SO and were jealous, were you able to overcome it and how? And has a break ever fixed your relationship? Did you ever try counseling and did it work?
findingstrength Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 we said we wouldn't sleep with other people and would tell each other if we did. After we were exclusive a month later, I found that he slept with another girl once before we were exclusive. He could have easily lied to me about it but he said he didn't want to begin our relationship by being dishonest. It doesnt sound like he has done anything wrong here...you guys laid out terms that he basically followed. Although to say not to sleep with other people, but tell each other if we did is a bit confusing to me. It sends somewhat of a mixed signal. Regardless, though painful, IMHO the more important thing to focus on is that he was honest with you. Has there been anything else to add to your distrust? Also, I am not a believer in breaks. If you guys are spending 24/7 together, a short break can cool emotions and give better perspective to the issue at hand, but 2 weeks I think is a bit much. Also, I think many times, people take breaks without spending the time needed to get to the root of the problem. So things calm down when you take the time, and may even remain calm when you initially get back together. However, chances are if they are not spoken about, and resolved as best as you can, they will remain there and manifest in various ways.
Author buddhasbelly Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Yeah, I realized now that he made an honest mistake and I should have trusted him in the beginning. He lied about messaging girls on Tinder during a break up and also about a few other things that seemed reasonable because I would have gotten unreasonably angry if I found out. He also had a box of condoms that went missing, said he might have thrown them away because they were expired but wasn't sure. He told me he hasn't used them with anyone else. It seemed strange to me. I'm afraid that he might do something now figuring that I always question him and get on him when he isn't doing anything at all.
findingstrength Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Well these things change the story a bit... If you guys were broken up, Tinder is fair game, though after 3 years with somebody I think they should wait a bit for that type of thing (and tinder is strictly that type of thing) Also, there is no excuse to lie. I've justified lying myself by saying "well she would just get mad if I told her the truth" but its bull****. The condom story seems shady at best, and for him to say he wasnt sure sounds like he just wasnt sure if he wanted to tell you the truth. Regardless of what drove him to this point, it sounds like you need to be upfront with him. If the facts dont add up, forget the break and move on. Its tough to hear, but from the small amount of info you posted it seems like its getting progressively worse on his end. 1
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Breaks make things worse not better. Working together to solve your issues makes things better. Especially if your issues are lack of trust & jealousy how is being apart with him doing God knows what with God knows who going to improve the state of affairs? And yes I used the word affair on purpose. I know you promised that neither of you would be with anybody else during those two weeks but that's not a realistic promise. The fact that you previously broke up also tells me that your relationship is already fundamentally flawed. What are you hanging on to?
Elle1975 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 What strikes me is why did you agree to something you clearly weren't okay with? It now resonates through your relationship. On top of it, he lied to you. I don't know of any guys who look at the expiration date on a box of condom, AND forgot if he threw them away or not. Personally I don't see how it can be saved. This break might work if you two decide openly talk about it, but he doesn't seem like honestly is his strong suit. I don't know.. I think that would eat at me, and I'd just look for someone I can totally trust.
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