Nikki Sahagin Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) Hi all, So I purposely blurred the title on purpose. Basically, I REALLY dislike my boyfriends best friends. Me and my boyfriend live with his best friend, the best friends two kids and his little brother. I'm in Auckland on a working holiday visa (Auckland is where my boyfriend is from) and my boyfriend is currently getting himself together with work. His best friend lets us stay rent free (he has the house because he has the two kids) so that's the incentive for us to live with him; whilst we save up to get outta there, we don't have any financial obligations other than food and drink. The problem is that he has a really horrible aura. He is very misogynistic, sexist and laddish.If we are all watching a movie he will say things like (all actually said)... * ****ing useless bitches * I would smash that * She's a fat ****ing cunt * ****ing whores * That's a tight little butt. I would annihilate that. * I bet i'd cheer her up if I raped her in the ass * All she needs is a little of my D and that would put a smile on her face Basically, he is like this almost 24-7. I basically sit and grin and bare his attitude and comments. He never says anything TO me. It's always ABOUT other women. But it makes me feel angry and incredibly offended. I've told my boyfriend how I feel and my boyfriend is nothing like the friend but I almost feel like he 'agrees' with this mindset purely by his silence. Often, I just get up and leave the room to do something else, but I can't do this EVERY time. It's gotten to the point where I dread having to watch TV or a movie with him or to meet other women around the best friend, because I am on egg shells about what he will say and the reaction it will spark off in me (mainly rage!) My boyfriend is very easy going and won't rock the boat but I'm losing a bit of respect for him by osmosis because of how much I dislike his friend. Whilst we are saving, we are all around the house a lot. Me and the boyfriend go out as often as we can, but we are still pretty much altogether every night and his sexism really grates on me. I feel like I just can't bear to be around him. I really hate sexism, homophobia, racism or any nasty comments. It creates a horrible atmosphere to be around. I feel incredibly disrespected, offended, angered and hurt by his attitude. The worst part is, his younger brother, who is a real sweetheart is beginning to pick up on this attitude too and started copying his older brothers way of thinking. What can I really do? I could move out...but without my bf. Tolerate him...and silently stew. Speak up...and potentially ostracise myself. I just don't know how to deal with this man :/ Before anyone says that this is just how men are, I have a brother, have had previous boyfriends and been around their friends and have never had to deal with this before from anyone. Edited January 3, 2015 by Nikki Sahagin
Art_Critic Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I would so confront him when he said something like "* She's a fat ****ing cunt". You are allowed to say that what he is saying is inappropriate and tell him to knock it off while you are in the room... of course he can also tell you to get lost too and if he does maybe your BF will finally get that he needs to take some action and get rid of the guy...
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 I would so confront him when he said something like "* She's a fat ****ing cunt". You are allowed to say that what he is saying is inappropriate and tell him to knock it off while you are in the room... of course he can also tell you to get lost too and if he does maybe your BF will finally get that he needs to take some action and get rid of the guy... I guess I am afraid to speak up. I know I'd be in a crowd of one. My strategy has been to put my head in the sand and avoid which I guess isn't helping but as the only woman in the house, I feel outnumbered.
salparadise Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Yes, your only option is to get out, with or without the boyfriend. Nobody can dictate the guy's behavior, and especially not when you're living free in his house. You aren't going to change him. Don't hold this guy's behavior against your boyfriend––he's living there rent-free to, so give him credit for knowing which battles to fight and which ones not to. Why does the guy let the two of you stay there rent-free? That seems odd. If you're having doubts about the boyfriend and need some distance to decide how you feel about him then you have double incentive to make a move. You have plenty of power to make changes... in you and your situation. But the other guy, not so much. 1
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 Yes, your only option is to get out, with or without the boyfriend. Nobody can dictate the guy's behavior, and especially not when you're living free in his house. You aren't going to change him. Don't hold this guy's behavior against your boyfriend––he's living there rent-free to, so give him credit for knowing which battles to fight and which ones not to. Why does the guy let the two of you stay there rent-free? That seems odd. If you're having doubts about the boyfriend and need some distance to decide how you feel about him then you have double incentive to make a move. You have plenty of power to make changes... in you and your situation. But the other guy, not so much. Thanks Sal. Yes I am having some doubts about my bf but I guess that's a separate post! I don't really know where I'd 'get out' too and I also think my bf might leave me if I made such a move. He wouldn't take it well and would feel as if I were abandoning him. Maybe it would be better for me to just go out more to do my own thing to get a bit of space and perspective but without actually moving out of the house?
ascendotum Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Maybe it would be better for me to just go out more to do my own thing to get a bit of space and perspective but without actually moving out of the house? I think that might be your best bet. I don't know how long you have to live at this guys place for though. Its a little tricky. You are a guest in this guy's house and he is doing you & your bf a big favor by letting you stay there rent free so you really can't really go off on him for how to behave in his own house. At the same time you would like to think he had the decency to tone it down a bit in front of you. I don't see why you cant have a word with him in a non aggressive manner the next time he says something obnoxious. He just might get the hint he needs to pull his head in a bit while you are there. Ask him does he regularly say this sexist stuff in front of his gfs.
salparadise Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Thanks Sal. Yes I am having some doubts about my bf but I guess that's a separate post! I don't really know where I'd 'get out' too and I also think my bf might leave me if I made such a move. He wouldn't take it well and would feel as if I were abandoning him. Maybe it would be better for me to just go out more to do my own thing to get a bit of space and perspective but without actually moving out of the house? Well then, you do have some decisions to contemplate. Have you talked with your boyfriend about how reprehensible you find his friend's language and attitude? I don't know all your doubts about the boyfriend, but how he responds to you saying what you feel may provide insight. You could just say, "I can't be around that anymore and I'd like us to get our own place." That way you're inviting him rather than abandoning him. But if he invalidates your feelings and/or chooses the friend and free rent, then perhaps that's key information in two decisions. On the other hand, if you're willing to put up with the attitude and language to keep free rent and boyfriend package stable, then I think you're just going to have to accept that as a decision you consciously made and live with it. You don't have to like it but I don't think you can change it. And I don't think you should pout or express dissatisfaction in passive aggressive ways either. I seldom disagree with Art_Critic, but on this one I do. I think you'll just make a mess of it all if you try to tell the guy how he's expected to behave in his own house, the house where he's letting you live for free. I can see the guy pointing to the door and saying, don't let it hit you in the ass...
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 You won't say anything to him but you expect your boyfriend to and you say you're losing respect for your boyfriend in the process because he won't talk to his friend about the comments which bother you? the best friends two kids and his little brother. Take the opportunity to tell him you don't want to hear that type of talk about women or anybody, that it's rude and disrespectful towards ALL women (include his mom in this too, take a shot at him!) and let alone to say stuff like that where his kids and little brother could overhear. I do agree that he could get mad and ask you to move out. How long do you intend on living there? Maybe it's time to find a cheap place to rent or possibly move in with another set of friends, rent a place all together? Just a thought.
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I guess I am afraid to speak up. I know I'd be in a crowd of one. My strategy has been to put my head in the sand and avoid which I guess isn't helping but as the only woman in the house, I feel outnumbered. Again, then how come you expect your boyfriend to say something to his best friend? Maybe he feels the exact same way as you, doesn't want to make waves or cause issues leading to being kicked out of the house. Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with you politely asking him to cool it down with the slang against women..
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