BF of 3 year left for the 5th time!! Gigs?? Stress?? Commitment phobe?? All of them??

[Jenmarie]

He comes back when you accept the break up is because it's a huge slap in the face and crushes his ego. "Huh? A girl that did absolutely everything for me and was sooo in love with me suddenly stops calling?! MUST get her back. MUST make her love me again." It has nothing to do with his feelings for you. It has to do with his ego.

 

Move on from this guy. He's super toxic. Sticking up for him shows you haven't really accepted things. Acceptance is the first step. Good luck.

[mammasita]

"Fool me once, shame on you....fool me twice, shame on me"

[BeautyPrincess]

Omg OP!! I can relate to this so much! From the not really being in to him in the beginning, to the speed of the relationship. My ex would definitely have had us living together very soon if I'd have agreed. He also lost one of his parents.

Scary how similar, but my ex has done it twice. He did bring up issues about sex etc, like yours did, but we got over that pretty quickly. one excuse was that we argued too much (?!!) and we don't communicate well enough, which I did agree with. this break up he told me he knew he was running away etc, he wanted marriage and kids but it freaked him out. He loves me so much, it's so hard blah blah, all the while in floods of tears. I dunno. So confusing! Good actors?

 

We can't keep trying to dissect their reasoning. It is what it is. It's absolutely killing me and I miss him every day. I completely agree with you though, how do they act so happy and in love if they're not sure?

As hard as it is, we both need to look after ourselves. Both of our exes only appear to be thinking about their own feelings and issues and so we have to do the same for us. Concentrate on what's best for us

[Yksik]

Jenmarie - I don't think that's that. If I'm the dumper I'm always glad if someone finds another. But me and him are different. But really, I do not think the ego was talking. He described how he felt for the last few weeks and he described it exactly how I am feeling when he dumped me - the constant nervous feeling, the knot in the stomach, the constant thinking... I don't think he googled it up. But who knows, why he was feeling that way. I'm trying - baggage reclaim has been a really good help. But the anxious feelings go away only when i read + half an hour, then they come back. Gotta dig deeper in myself to fix it. 6 days NC

 

BeautyPrincess - Yes! I know about the arguing part, sometimes it felt like everything i say , he had to argue back, but that was what I thought and then he said that men and women are different, that we don't have to agree on everything (but it really felt like he was doing it on purpose sometimes). Yes , the sex part was resolved too, in our case.

 

And not that into him thing got me thinking he would never leave me, cause i thought I'm a little bit out of his league (on the paper like - education, job, income, backround, looks) and he wouldn't want/have anyone better. I really thought that if we'd break up it was a choise made by me. Really egoistic and wrong to think, but in the beginning I was sure that's the deal. The first three didn't seem to me as a break-up, because he wouldn't leave. It seems each time the time gets a little bit longer, when he wants to stay away. You are totally right about the "appear to be thinking about only their own feelings". When he has this off period the usual answer when he comes back is - I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHY I DID THAT... I think they are really confused and scared about things. But yep, gotta take care of myself first!! Right now i gotta say the knot in the stomach doesn't seem to go away, but time will heal us.

[BeautyPrincess]

Wow! The 'not that into him' thing u just described...I was exactly the same! He chased me and texted me aaaall the time, always calling or texting whilst I was a bit cold, always wanting to hold hands and kiss me etc. I think that made me feel comfortable and safe thinking that he liked me a lot more than I liked him!! That did resolve itself however after I nearly lost him and realised just how much I liked him. He's then gone and finished it twice. The first time it took about 2 months to come back, but I don't know if that was only because he happened to be near where I work and there was the possibility of us bumping into each other! The reasoning from him then was that we argued too much. We didn't, we had one occasion where we'd both been stubborn and refused to compromise with each other. Just one time!! When we got back together he said he realised we didn't argue and that really he'd just got scared about where we were going and he'd panicked himself.

Following the first break up we lasted a year, going on holiday etc and I suppose I got comfortable again and almost started to be confident in that the break up wouldn't happen again and it was a one off. He was wanting to talk about us moving in together etc. so so soooo confusing! It's now been 3 months...

 

I have spoken to him since. Sometimes he's cold and other times he's telling me how he misses me so much, is sorry and how hard he's finding it. I just think though, why do it then?! I don't think I could ever end it with someone that I love that much, when there's nothing wrong!! And I don't know if I can believe his bs about commitment scaring him. Does it get THAT bad that you'd risk losing someone?!

 

Tbh I don't think I will ever get it. I need to keep reminding myself that I can't get into his head! I'm struggling with trying to reason his actions. Sorry I'm not much help in the advice I'm giving u! We just need to get on with things as best as we can and protect ourselves!

[Yksik]

Yup ! I felt really really safe until the first time he wanted to leave me. And when he changed his mind basically the same moment - i felt safe again. I don't know what was I thinking, but I always felt safe when we were together - thinking it wouldn't happen again. Each time he would say - I will never try to leave you again, I'm so in love with you, I don't know why I did that... And I always believed.. And if he came back right this moment - I would probably believe him again

 

1st time - 0 days

2nd time - 0 days

3'd time - 0 days

4'd time - 2 months (+ rebound gf)

5th time - 1 month ... and going (+ rebound gf)

 

like WTH??

At least your guy is saying that he is afraid of commitment and what not - mine just says he doesn't love me anymore, doesn't see a future, needs more feelings for me to be in a relationship. It's really hard because the fourth time he left - after 1,5 months I was really in a good state, I had somethin going on with a guy whom I really was feeling OK with and didn't think about him, and he Fcking had to come and say that I was the love of his life and he was so sorry and I'm all he has been thinking about and please please please give him another chance , He will never leave me again and everything is going to work out, He will do whatever it takes !! Well yep... All his firends told me "Happy to see you again" and I was happy too. He even said at one point that he knows I want a stabile relationship and stabile life and that he will get there, he just needs some time, but he will (he has problems sometimes with his job, doesn't get the money at the right time and has to lend from others, wich I really dislike)... And yet after 5 months , he does the same thing again, and the same reasons again !!!

 

The fifth time he left I asked, why the hell did you come back in spring and he sayd just "I wanted to try if things would work out"... Like no! You said you love me to the moon and back and you would do what ever it takes to have me in your arms again not "Lets try again"... But okay, he appears not to remember... I'm in a state of anger right now - i guess that's good

 

If I'm going to see him again, which I will at some time, because all of his furniture here, then I'm going to say everything into his face ! I don't know what yet but I'll figure it out.

[Jenmarie]

Jenmarie - I don't think that's that. If I'm the dumper I'm always glad if someone finds another. But me and him are different. But really, I do not think the ego was talking. He described how he felt for the last few weeks and he described it exactly how I am feeling when he dumped me - the constant nervous feeling, the knot in the stomach, the constant thinking... I don't think he googled it up. But who knows, why he was feeling that way. I'm trying - baggage reclaim has been a really good help. But the anxious feelings go away only when i read + half an hour, then they come back. Gotta dig deeper in myself to fix it. 6 days NC

 

BeautyPrincess - Yes! I know about the arguing part, sometimes it felt like everything i say , he had to argue back, but that was what I thought and then he said that men and women are different, that we don't have to agree on everything (but it really felt like he was doing it on purpose sometimes). Yes , the sex part was resolved too, in our case.

 

And not that into him thing got me thinking he would never leave me, cause i thought I'm a little bit out of his league (on the paper like - education, job, income, backround, looks) and he wouldn't want/have anyone better. I really thought that if we'd break up it was a choise made by me. Really egoistic and wrong to think, but in the beginning I was sure that's the deal. The first three didn't seem to me as a break-up, because he wouldn't leave. It seems each time the time gets a little bit longer, when he wants to stay away. You are totally right about the "appear to be thinking about only their own feelings". When he has this off period the usual answer when he comes back is - I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHY I DID THAT... I think they are really confused and scared about things. But yep, gotta take care of myself first!! Right now i gotta say the knot in the stomach doesn't seem to go away, but time will heal us.

 

Men are different from females. Their ego is a lot different. This guy sounds insecure. I'm telling you, he wasn't coming back out of love. because if it was love, he wouldn't of left 4-5 times+.

 

I think you need to stop overthinking on WHY he ended it. It shouldn't matter. Focus on yourself and not so much on the reason why it ended. It's a closed door. Don't stare at that closed door, because you will miss the new one that opens.

[lauri]

Men are different from females. Their ego is a lot different. This guy sounds insecure. I'm telling you, he wasn't coming back out of love. because if it was love, he wouldn't of left 4-5 times+.

 

I think you need to stop overthinking on WHY he ended it. It shouldn't matter. Focus on yourself and not so much on the reason why it ended. It's a closed door. Don't stare at that closed door, because you will miss the new one that opens.

 

^ This.

 

Who cares what the why is, as why isn't important. You're just trying to rationalize why things didn't workout...it doesn't even matter. What is more important is HOW you will get over this and move away from this toxic situation. You need to determine WHAT are the steps you need to take to protect yourself and put yourself first.

 

What are you going to do when he tries to come back into your life? Just don't respond and protect yourself.

[Yksik]

So it's 10 months of NC (except when he wished me happy birthday in spring, and I to him a week ago).

 

I guess I'm not completely over him yet, but I feel a 100 times better and i believe it gets better every month. Time really does heal your wounds and I started to slowly take him off the pedestal. Also I've accepted the possibility that I will always have a weak spot in my heart for him, and that is okay.

 

One really bad thing is my dreams about him, even if I think I haven't thought about him all day, he often shows up in my dreams and reminds me to be unhappy about the fact we're appart ... It goes away ca 10 minutes after waking up.

He is still together with his girlfriend (they started dating a month after our break up) and they are doing really well, as it seems to me.

 

I have a new friend too now. I'm not completely at peace, but I think I will be, sooner or later.

 

I feel like the more I start to love myself, the more I lose feelings for him.

 

So the whole thing has thought me

 

1. Getting back with your ex is not going to work out.

2. It takes time to heal, but you will.

3. Take care of your mental health - being miserable and thinking pessimistic thoughts is not helping you at all.