BF of 3 year left for the 5th time!! Gigs?? Stress?? Commitment phobe?? All of them??

January 2, 2015

I'll try to make this as short as possible

Our story

* Met him through firends/hobby 3 years ago.

* I was 20 he was 24.

* I had my doubts because he wasn't really my type and I kinda did think I could find better, but I let those thoughts go and gave it a shot. Also the thing that I was his first GF made me second guess what am I seeing in this person.

* After a month of dating he sayd he loved me. I was suprised but said it back.

* We moved in together about 1.5 months later.

* I was his first girlfriend

* He was my first true love

* Lived together happily for about a year, minimum fights, a lot of talking how we felt about ech other. I was his lottery win and the most important person in his life, and "the one" and he loved me like nothing else in the world.

!! Crash no 1 - He sayd "I don't think it's working. Something feels wrong about us." I was shocked. We talked it out. Something about me being not enough passionate during sex and I said we'll fix it. He was willing to try.

some fine months filled with "I love you"s and great sex. Moved to a bigger appartment(we lived about a year in 12m2 student appartment).

!! Crash no 2 - "It's not working out. We are too different." I cried and begged and eventually, didn't break up. He sayd he is sorry and that he still loves me.

some fine months filled with "I love you"s and great sex.

!! Crash no 3 - "It's wrong. We can't do this anymore." At that point I was kind of tired. Helped him pack up his stuff. But I noticed how at the beginning packed all the stuff he didn't use anyway. He moved the first items to his grandma, and when he came back for the other stuff, he sayd "I'm so sorry, please take me back, I can't do it without you". Okay, so we begin again.

some fine months filled with "I love you"s and great sex.

!! Crash no 4 - "It's not working out, I don't see the future with you, I'm not in love." Well okay, we've been there before? But this time, he followed through. I did all those things u shouldn't like begged and pleaded and wrote many letters and what not. He initiated some contact the first month. And we slept together at least 2-3 times and I awlays thinking now after that he would be back, but he sayd "no, not coming back, sorry if i've messed with your feelings". After 1.5 months I was not trying to get him back anymore. He called me (maybe after 1,5 weeks of no contact) and just talked, he talked about his job and his life and what not. It was a good talk. But I continued NC. He asked me out on FB just to go for a walk. I din't notice, so he called after 10 mins with the same question. I was with a friend at that time and sayd that I'm not into going on a walk right now (Obviously would have gone, but at that time I couldn't and now i realize that was good). He sayd okay. Followed NC, he called me again just to talk and at that point I asked him to please not to call me unless it's something important. He was shocked. I felt bad and called him back the next day and apologized and said he could call me anytime he wants. And he did, the next day. We met up. He started crying. And he said that for the past time he has been feeling this big knot in his stomach and he thinks about me and us all through the day and that I was right about everything ever and that he is so sorry and knows he is a douche and doesn't know what he expected when he came and WANTS ME BACK. That night he told me "I love you" almost every 10 min as we would try to get to sleep. So we were back together once again (Although friends and family think that was our first break up-make up).

Later I found out he had a rebound at that time too. (It didn't show on social media). I had some flings myself so I didn't think much of it, but just the fact, that he had been having sex and at least SEX was not the reason he is back and it had to be something more to it.

some fine months filled with "I love you"s and great sex. (5 months to be exact). This time i really felt 2 weeks prior, that he is being distant.

!! Crash no 5 - "No matter how I try, I just can't give you my heart. You love me more than i do you, so it's not fair. You deserve better. THankyou for those special times." Well FML, but what was I waiting? So it's been a month now. He hasn't contacted me, I have made some calls and suggested to meet and have "the talk", he doesn't say "no", but cancelled one half an our prior to our meeting saying he's "Too tired to talk about those stuff right now". In one phonecall we were talking and it seemed uncomfortable and I asked does he have another. He sayd that he is seeing one girl. I know that girl and I know they met after we had already broken up (They did a show together and are friends on fb since that time). She's a cool girl and very successful actress. I asked if he thought they would work out better than with the previous rebound in the spring ? (very lame question, i can see it now), and he sayd that he doesn't know but the girl is very similar to him in some ways.

what in the name of god is going on this mans head. I have some theoris myself :

* Commitmentphobia? Maybe - but i've met all his friends and family and he has met mine. He has problems in commitment in other areas as well, like jobs and school.

* Intimacy phobia ? Could be, because he has had a very rough childhood - father left, mother an alchoholic and died, when he was very young, bullied at school until highschool when he started to play guitar and found friends. Lived with his grandma and older sister, always by himself a lonely wolf. Had no problem sayng he loved. He last told me he loved me 2 weeks before the break up.

* Stress ? Could be again, because he is not living the life he want's I suppose. He kinda wants to be a famous guitarrist and is hoping that to happen - the new girl surely helps to fulfill his dreams because all the connections she has being an actress, but relationships are about two people and I think he doesn't get that yet in the age of 26.

* GIGS - maybe, but I don't. Though i was his first girlfriend, probably pumped up his self esteem with all my loving and maybe now thinks thats that.

I don't think I'm needy, but we are kinda different as I'm more planning and he is more doing things on the flow - one day at a time.

So i'm sitting here in NC once again. We have a lot unsettled as he still has the keys to "our" appartment and a lot of furniture and he "doesn't have the place to hold them". Also we haven't had "the talk", he left before i came home from work with all his stuff. He has said on the phone, that "the talk" is a good idea, but he still hasn't "find the time" to do it. The last conversation we had was about the new girl. It was a good talk and was friendly by all means. I wished him well and he wished me well and sayd "Talk to you later". We haven't seen each other for a month now and it's killing me. The last time was easier because he gave me some hope to hold on until I myself decided hope is not enough. NOw it feels that this is it.

I have these moments in a day when I think I'm so done with him and want to move on. Like really, he has dumped u 5 times and u still want him back. What do you think will be different ?? Then I get those sad sad sad moments because I really love him and the time together was so intence and good. He treated me good til the end, never said anything bad to me, never felt like I'm not loved. He really showed the effort on that. I really felt LOVED. That's why I'm in too deep. The only "con" thing is that he just has hurt me so bad with those leaving acts. Maybe this is it. 3 days NC, wow that's short and I hope it goes better.

January 2, 2015

I am sorry you have endured this kind of rubbish treatment for such a long time but if I were you, I would let this 5th time be the very last time.

I know it hurts when someone that you love and adore with your entire being doesnt reciprocate those feelings and mucks you about but the one person that you have to love and adore more than anything is yourself.

This man has shown you, not once, not twice but 5 times that he does not love you. I am sorry to say it but I am just repeating what he said himself through his words and actions. He just isnt that into you. A man who love you, really love you, will do and say everything in his power to make you happy and stay with you. Breaking up with you on numerous occasions just isnt one of the things he does. It does not matter whether it is grass is greener, commitment issues, whatever. The only tagline that you need to take from this is that he is not the man for you, you deserve so much better and can do so much better.

Don't try rationalise his own personal issues. That is neither here nor there. Focus on you, on why you would cling to a man who would treat you like gum at the bottom of a shoe. Focus on the fact that he does not value you or the relationship to be a fully committed man to you and then take the steps to move on.

Remain no contact. Block him on every avenue that he could communicate with you on and start the healing process.

You deserve better but will only get better once you do right by yourself and thats by leaving this joker of a man-child behind.

Sending you light and love friend.

January 2, 2015

He's been trying to leave the relationship for quite a while but doesn't have the balls

Let him and go strict no contact so he can move on

January 2, 2015

Thank you FancyFace! I believe in what you say and you are totally right. I should spend my time figuring out why am I so okay with him treating me this way and not WHY he did the things he did. I've read numerous articles and blogs about commitment phobes and depression and what not, and should read why I have such low self esteem to keep hoping he would come back (and eventually live trhough all that crap again).

I think I'm afraid I won't find that deep love feeling again. For some reason, after he came back, I did not think he would do it again, because his words and actions, I did trust him, and that was stupid. I know time helps. I would like to block him on social media, but I don't want to seem week or angry orsmt - we have lots of mutual friends and I rather act like I'm allright with this.

Omei - I get what you are saying. Me contacting him or me taking him back - I'm not letting him move on. But I think it's about both of us moving on. I should have not tried to "talk things through" at the first times and he should've followed through the 4th time when I did quit trying. Strict NC is the way!

January 2, 2015

Yksik, I have been there, matter of fact, I am there with you right now. I stayed entirely too long in a relationship with someone who treated me lukewarm at times but treated me terribly at the end like the coward that he is. What I realised is that its not the lovely first couple of months that count, its the entire relationship, especially the rough patches. Try not to romantisize the relationship or him, really look at everything with an honest naked truthful eye and I am sure you will realise that the pedastal you put him on is nothing but a pile of cow dung.

Don't let fear of the unknown stop you. There are wonderful men out there, committed, loving, affectionate, romantic, kind, sweet souls who will love you. You just need to get your self-esteem at a healthy place where you believe that and believe that you deserve that kind of good love.

Don't read up on committment phobia or anything that pertains to him. Read up on healthy self-esteem (try 'baggage reclaim" its really good) and work and focus on you.

In respect of no contact - it does not matter one bit what anybody says or thinks. It is not mean or childish for you to do what is best for yourself. If you are hurt, you are hurt and anybody who doesnt understand that can go run and jump. Do what is best for you.

January 2, 2015

You know the saying: Fool me once, shame on me, fool me five times.......

January 2, 2015

Relationship had troubles from the first crash. After that just patching and more patching. You shouldn't have to change who you are for him because in the end you can't keep that up for too long. He seems to want more and more and now finally got the to tell you things are not working. So you need to move on and find someone else that loves you for you and won't have to change who you are for them.

That's how it is! Also when he wanted to end it should have let him go. His mind is set to end this relationship which has gone on too long. Just can't patch things up and hope for the best. He doesn't want to be with you and well after 5 times he finally told you what he wanted. Now let it be and go on with a new life with someone newer.

Don't give in to this BF your leaving because if you do expect more crashes to follow and this is not what love is!

January 2, 2015

The guy doesn't have a spine. He desperately wants out of this relationship but some how you keep holding on to him. It's unhealthy for you both.

January 2, 2015

I'm sorry you're in so much pain OP, but he does not love you. He isn't in love with you. He's been trying to end this relationship for a long time but counts on you to be Plan B when the single life isn't going so great, and you've been allowing it.

It doesn't matter if he's depressed, a commitment-phobe, whatever. The point is that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. Trying to analyze his behavior and find reasons why he behaves this way is a waste of your emotional energy. It really makes no difference in the end, because the result is the same: it's over.

As for "the talk" - what talk would this be? Why do you feel the need to talk to him, other than to sort out the logistics of your living situation? You aren't going to get any kind of closure from him. That comes from you deciding he isn't worth it. It comes from you waking up and realizing that when a person breaks up with you five times it's because the relationship is dead in the water. I know it's hard - I've been there. But you need to stop putting him and the relationship on a pedestal and see the reality: deep love doesn't come with 5 break-ups. The way you felt and the way he felt were evidently quite different. Don't let this person waste any more of your time and heart.

January 2, 2015

FancyFace - I know I'm romantisizing the relationship and you pointing it out makes it even more obvious. And you are right , I should see the relationship with all in its length and the crashes and to think how much I've cried over that man is not a valid relationship. I've had physical symptoms of anxiety for a month now and I am reaching a place that thinking about "How to get your ex back" is unhealthy on so many levels.

Diezel - At first it made me laugh, then sad. Good point though.

coolheadal - True. But I don't get how someone can put on such a great act when together. How can you lie someone looking into the eye and say that you love them? fe If I'm leaving I'm leaving. Never once have gone back to someone who I have left. Never have i changed my mind in the same day ! No matter what the other person is saying. The issue here why he was like this might be, that i was his first gf ever at the age of 24? Maybe he thought he needed to settle and lie about everything and in time those feelings he said were there will come?

d0nnivain - You are saying this like I have kept him in prison for 3 years. I agree that he doesn't have a spine. But one can't keep the dumper from moving on. I can't make these decisions for him. the "Talk things through" times, I tell him what I have to say, but never have I threaten to do something if he is not coming back or something like that.

January 2, 2015

ExpatInItaly - The talk was initially the information I found about fear of intimacy and such, but I'm glad we haven't had it yet, because I really am starting to see that it does not have a point. I'd want to know more when those "off" feelings started and why he came back in the spring, what was he thinking then.

I don't think you can live together for 3 years and each day put an act on and lie about loving someone. I know it's smarter for me to move on, but people telling he hasn't loved me ever and has been lying and acting for the whole time we actually were together or talked about the relationship, is just cruel.

January 2, 2015

i never heard of such yo-yoing, never 5 times, so i think he has a problem of a behavioural deep-seated kind, i will be blunt, he sounds bi-polar

i just hope you do not waste your pretty years on this eccentric guy

Edited January 2, 2015 by darkmoon

January 2, 2015

I don't think you can live together for 3 years and each day put an act on and lie about loving someone. I know it's smarter for me to move on, but people telling he hasn't loved me ever and has been lying and acting for the whole time we actually were together or talked about the relationship, is just cruel.

There's a difference between healthy and deep love between two people -- care, empathy, respect, compassion, etc. -- a foundation of values and long term goals versus someone that behaves this way -- emotionally unavailable and is functioning on very shallow feelings. In and out -- emotions that have not enough depth to sustain a committed relationship.

He may "love" you but not in the way you and I hope to be loved. He "loves" in his own way, and as volatile and inconsistent as it is, you have to ask yourself if "love" TRULY means someone abandoning you every few months.

January 2, 2015

Darkmoon - I finally came to some sort of conclusion myself, that it may be more about HIS issues not that "he's not that into you". But I guess it's something to easen the burden of "he doesn't love you" a little bit too. In my country mental health is not something people would take care of, it comes with a sign of "crazy person". That's a shame though. I've also come to realize that even if he comes back, I really feel I'm not that strong of a person to really be there and help... Right now it feels i need help myself...

Zahara - That's a really good way to explain it. He did love me when he said it and I did love him, but we were both meaning totally different things when we exchanged those words. You are totally right.

January 2, 2015

After five times, it's time to call it quits.

January 2, 2015

a good nights sleep, eat properly and make some plans for a better tomorrow, try hot chocolate as it can be very calming

January 2, 2015

I'm not saying it's a prison. I am saying when you cry or beg, he can't deal with hurting you so he suppresses his own feelings & desires to make you happy.

You are the one who has to stop this pattern in order for both of you to be happy -- apart.

January 3, 2015

darkmoon - thank you for your support I've always thought of myself as a strong person, but now those last 2 break ups have shown me, that I'm not as strong as I thought. Nevertheless what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or crippled, but okay. I know I have to move on, there is no other option. I really don't want to feel this way anymore.

d0nnivain - I get it. To love, is to see the other person happy and be happy about that, even if apart. I agree, that every time at first I was crying and all about "what, why??" but I disagree at he can't deal hurting me. If he really was upset about hurting me, then he would have not come back in spring (the last time) when I was almost OK and not contacting him by any means and really was starting to move on. It's as if he could have smelled the confidence back in me, that made him go all "crazy in love" again. And yet again I'm in this position. But you are totally right - what ever his reasons were in spring, he is not happy with me and the pattern totally has to stop in order to BOTH of us to be happy.

January 3, 2015

I don't think you can live together for 3 years and each day put an act on and lie about loving someone. I know it's smarter for me to move on, but people telling he hasn't loved me ever and has been lying and acting for the whole time we actually were together or talked about the relationship, is just cruel.

He might have loved you to the extent he could. I think that some people just don't have the depth to love someone unconditionally. They love you for what you can do for them. They love you for what they imagine you might be. They love you when things are going well. The seem to detach just as easily and they fell in love. They seem to run away with the same intensity as they once pursued you. I know it's very difficult to wrap your mind around because you love unconditionally. But trust me when I say that there are many people out there who can put on a d@mn good show when it suits them.

January 3, 2015

Yeah it shouldn't even matter WHY he is leaving. All you need to know is he's been trying to leave and has been desperate to, and sympathy always pulls him back. Just like everyone said, this guy doesn't have a backbone. Give him what he wants and go straight NC. It's never going to work. He'll only come back if you let him.

January 3, 2015

You know that comment you made about "kinda thinking I could do better"?

Sounds like he was thinking along those same wavelengths. It sounds to me like he doesn't have the kind of feelings for you that he wants to have; "in love" feelings and this is more about "having something is better than nothing" but eventually what's not there gets to him and he takes a break away.

He is saying the same things over and over; that he's not in love, that you two aren't compatible, the relationship doesn't feel right, etc. etc.

January 3, 2015

Why does it matter the reason for his departure [on a side-note his 'leaving' is his way to gain power, he is holding the relationship for ransom literally].

There is nothing good in this relationship, he is going to destroy you and your life further if you stay in it.

January 3, 2015

darkmoon - thank you for your support I've always thought of myself as a strong person, but now those last 2 break ups have shown me, that I'm not as strong as I thought. Nevertheless what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or crippled, but okay. I know I have to move on, there is no other option. I really don't want to feel this way anymore.

That only applies if the individual is actually learning something from the encounters.

If they don't, then it's useless.

d0nnivain - I get it. To love, is to see the other person happy and be happy about that, even if apart. I agree, that every time at first I was crying and all about "what, why??" but I disagree at he can't deal hurting me. If he really was upset about hurting me, then he would have not come back in spring (the last time) when I was almost OK and not contacting him by any means and really was starting to move on. It's as if he could have smelled the confidence back in me, that made him go all "crazy in love" again. And yet again I'm in this position. But you are totally right - what ever his reasons were in spring, he is not happy with me and the pattern totally has to stop in order to BOTH of us to be happy.

Yes, love is about selflessness.

Selfishness has nothing to do with love in a relationship, but with love of oneself [what can you do for me ???].

He came back because it's about power.

When you heal and move on, you gain power ...

To you, healing is moving on ... to him healing is you shedding the power and hold he has on you, and that is bad.

So he will always try to get you to commit again, because then he has you.

January 3, 2015

BC1980 - I'm afraid you are right. I think he's not very keen on looking into the issue too.

Jenmarie - I really don't get the sympathy thing. I don't really think he would do that for sympathy. How come he didn't had sympathy on the fourth time, but once I accepted the break-up, he suddenly felt sorry for me?

hoping2heal - Maybe so. The first rebound was a lot like me from the looks, but as he sayd , she was kind of crazy and they didn't have the same interests. The girl he's seeing now might be the match from the inside but not from the looks. He's always said he likes long hair (the girl has short), he likes fit girls (the girl is chubby), he likes natural looks (the girl is always on heavy make-up in her pictures). But the girl is much more interesting and more lively , active and fun- she is a professional actress, i have seen her on stage and now they are forming a band with the girl. In my opinion the girl is kind of out of his league, but maybe not. Heck I though I was out of his league when we first met, but look at me now. If they make it work, I'm glad he is with her. I was glad when he told me he is with HER particularly. well my emotions are weird one time I'm happy for him, then I'm sad for myself... Gotta be happy for him and let him do his thing.

Radu - I don't think he is such a schemer. I don't think he thinks about power in this relationship. I think he really feels those feelings as they are - if he feels he loves me, he does and acts that way, if he doesn't he doesn't and leaves. Love comes back, hes terrified in losing, tries to have me back , loves for a while, then those feelings dissapear again. Just like BC1980 replyed - They detach just as easily as they fell in love. No deep love but shallow kind.

Edited January 3, 2015 by Yksik

January 3, 2015

Radu - I don't think he is such a schemer. I don't think he thinks about power in this relationship. I think he really feels those feelings as they are - if he feels he loves me, he does and acts that way, if he doesn't he doesn't and leaves. Love comes back, hes terrified in losing, tries to have me back , loves for a while, then those feelings dissapear again. Just like BC1980 replyed - They detach just as easily as they fell in love. No deep love but shallow kind.

It is not a conscious decision on his part, it is not strategy.

It is purely instinctual.

You are describing someone who goes after limerence [i hope i'm using the right term], someone who is only after the high of puppy dog eyes love.

Long term, those butterflies go away, that kind of love is replaced by something else.

He is not long term material.

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BF of 3 year left for the 5th time!! Gigs?? Stress?? Commitment phobe?? All of them??

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