Ask ex for coffee?

January 2, 2015

i bumped into my ex gf of 3 years for the first time in 4 months after not speaking at all.

i have moved on the best i can and i hope she has too, however i was hoping it would be a pleasant interaction and it wasn't really. she basically told me that i was bad boyfriend and pointed out all my flaws for her reasoning for breaking up with me and they are all nothing like to what she said when we did actually break up? i didn't argue (very difficult as i have an opinion too) i just accepted what she said and apologized as it just seems pointless to talk about now.

she left me that night feeling a bit depressed and i still apologized with an email after as she said her bit and walked off! i don't have anyway of contacting her anymore. i then receive a phone call after and she spoke to me for a good hour in the early hours of the morning.

was a conversation just about her family and a small catch up, she got a bit jealous after she asked if i was seeing anyone as i told her ive been on a few dates and i was like i wanted to go there and you never took me ect. she said she will never understand me as im so much nicer when we are not together and i do things she wanted to do with me (cycle of on and off relationship...however this was the last time for me as its toxic) she is not seeing anyone either and then she tells me i hope you treat your next gf better.

like what the hell is up with all this, none of this was necessary was it?. can anyone explain or tell me if they have had an experience like this or what it means?

anyway i have recently emailed asking if she is still around and has not gone back to uni yet if she wants to have a fun light catch up over coffee/bite to eat.

im not stepping out of line here am i?

January 2, 2015

This is a good example of why NC is necessary. Especially on her end. She's behaving pretty normally after a breakup actually. She is emotional and confused. You definitely don't need to speak to her or see her again. Mostly for her sake it seems.

January 2, 2015

yeah i did think that it sucks a little bit as i genuinely do care about her. but to call me a bad boyfriend after what i did for her its a very strong word.

should i maybe tell her i don't think its a good idea now for her benefit? or just leave it as it is now?

January 2, 2015

Why does it matter what she said? You should be focusing 100% on yourself and moving on. If you know that you were the absolute best person you could be, then know that what she said is just to cover her own guilt for breaking up with you. Even if you werent the best person, do some self reflection about it on your own and then move on.

What is it exactly that you wish to achieve by meeting up for coffee?

Closure? The only form of closure you can give yourself is accepting that the relationship is over and making proper steps to move on. This includes cutting all contact.

Friendship? Especially when people are not over their exes, friendship is a thinly veiled attempt at reconciliation and all it does is prolong the pain. Again cut contact.

Reconciliation? If she is the one who broke up with you, it should be her that comes to you begging for you back, not you trying to patch things together. The only way this could happen is if you cut contact and let her come to you.

January 2, 2015

Why does it matter what she said? You should be focusing 100% on yourself and moving on. If you know that you were the absolute best person you could be, then know that what she said is just to cover her own guilt for breaking up with you. Even if you werent the best person, do some self reflection about it on your own and then move on.

What is it exactly that you wish to achieve by meeting up for coffee?

Closure? The only form of closure you can give yourself is accepting that the relationship is over and making proper steps to move on. This includes cutting all contact.

Friendship? Especially when people are not over their exes, friendship is a thinly veiled attempt at reconciliation and all it does is prolong the pain. Again cut contact.

Reconciliation? If she is the one who broke up with you, it should be her that comes to you begging for you back, not you trying to patch things together. The only way this could happen is if you cut contact and let her come to you.

i dont know the phone call experience was quite nice maybe nostalgic as it was unexpected and it felt unfinished i guess. i just thought it would be a nice touch to be able to talk pleasantly face to face after all this time. no expectations!

i don't want her back she would have to a tremendous amount of work to even get me to think that way!

i don't want friendship i want to be civil and be respectful and i feel it was left on an awkward note for no reason

i loved her i cant be friends, it would eventually get confusing.

i have given myself closure, i have given myself that over this period of time.

however if the majority think its a bad decision and i should tell her that its actually a bad idea now then i will do that

January 2, 2015

Why bother with the EX! They put you though so much and either you had thrown them out or they put you out. Once they leave you that's it! No more communication or contact with them for good!

But too many want them back but as you can see with what you have met up with she hasn't changed much. Right way she's ready to be verbal abusive and being negative listing all your faults a BF. Why would want to hang around someone like that. No one wants to hear that type of communication.

I hope you learn your lesson now. This is why everyone including myself tells you to start NC for a reason. Next time you run this EX walk the other way and just flat out don't talk to her. If she starts running off her mouth to you just leave her be.

January 2, 2015

Why bother with the EX! They put you though so much and either you had thrown them out or they put you out. Once they leave you that's it! No more communication or contact with them for good!

But too many want them back but as you can see with what you have met up with she hasn't changed much. Right way she's ready to be verbal abusive and being negative listing all your faults a BF. Why would want to hang around someone like that. No one wants to hear that type of communication.

I hope you learn your lesson now. This is why everyone including myself tells you to start NC for a reason. Next time you run this EX walk the other way and just flat out don't talk to her. If she starts running off her mouth to you just leave her be.

woah you have misread. she acted like that when i randomly bumped into her after 4 months of NC. she then rang me and was a lot nicer if you re read the original post.

i have now recently asked to meet up for coffee however everyone is saying its a bad idea apparently, and if it is how can i correct what i have already asked her?

January 2, 2015

OP - its great that you can see the good advice that people are giving but you need to believe it yourself.

The only person you owe anything to (be it civility, respect, friendship, closure, whatever) is yourself.

Nostalgia is lovely and all but put it in context. It means nothing in the greater scheme of things. Don't just not contact her for coffee, cut contact, block her, run when you see her. Just stay away from her. You will recover much faster that way.

January 2, 2015

OP - its great that you can see the good advice that people are giving but you need to believe it yourself.

The only person you owe anything to (be it civility, respect, friendship, closure, whatever) is yourself.

Nostalgia is lovely and all but put it in context. It means nothing in the greater scheme of things. Don't just not contact her for coffee, cut contact, block her, run when you see her. Just stay away from her. You will recover much faster that way.

i understand should i make amends and tell her its not a good idea now or just leave it alone

January 2, 2015

Don't do it. You're looking for reasons to hang on, and it's not going to be worth it. There's no point and all the healing you've done is very likely going to go right out the window.

Since you've already invited her, be honest and tell her you had a re-think and believe it's best for both of you to not meet. You don't really owe any other explanation.

January 2, 2015

No good can come out of this. You still harbor feelings for her & want her back even after the horrible things she said to you. She doesn't want to get back together with you.

If you bump into each other randomly & want to spend a few minutes catching up, that's fine. To reach out shows you want to reconcile. You can only get hurt.

January 2, 2015

woah you have misread. she acted like that when i randomly bumped into her after 4 months of NC. she then rang me and was a lot nicer if you re read the original post.

i have now recently asked to meet up for coffee however everyone is saying its a bad idea apparently, and if it is how can i correct what i have already asked her?

Doesn't matter dude. He was still spot on. She unloaded on you to relieve her guilt about the break up. How you didn't do this, or you didn't do that. Putting the entire demise of the relationship squarely on your shoulders. Let me ask you this, did she shoulder any of the blame? Did she own up to her part as to why the relationship failed? I'm guessing not.

Dude, no reason for you to continue with her. All you are to her now is a punching bag. You deserve better.

January 2, 2015

I think she saw you after 4 month and you reminded her why she fell in love with you.

She liked you, and immediately her instincts asked her "Oh god, why did i dump him"? So, she just had to build a good solid argument. that's why you got this lecture... She was lecturing to herself. She didn't really talked with you but with herself.

And then she understood that you've moved on, and It hurt her a little. she was expecting you to beg and ask her to take you back, but you didn't! You have a lot of power over her right now. Automatically when you showed her you don't want her back - She wants you more. She also noticed that you are really a good guy, not the image of you, she has built in her mind when she dumped you.

So she found a theory - You are better without her. And she felt she must gain some power over you for balance, that's why she "hopes you treat your next GF better", to let you know that you're a &%^*ty boyfriend.

To summerise - She is very shallow and manipulative, also she is very selfish and doesn't care about any other person feelings but herself!

Edited January 2, 2015 by lolablue17

January 2, 2015

yeah i did think that it sucks a little bit as i genuinely do care about her. but to call me a bad boyfriend after what i did for her its a very strong word.

should i maybe tell her i don't think its a good idea now for her benefit? or just leave it as it is now?

Say it's not a good idea but leave our the part about it being for her benefit. I think that might come out as condescending.

January 4, 2015

i bumped into my ex of 3 years it was on and off relationship. she dumped me.

so 4 months NC and we have been exchanging emails for the last 2 days.

i asked her to meet for coffee to catch up and she refused, she found out that i was dating someone for a bit ( not anymore) without me telling her about this and the emails have been about that basically, i told her "its not a blonde girl and you are correct with saying its personal and we shouldn't talk about it with each other". the next email she starts of with "on the hilarious topic of the blonde girl" ..and told me what she has heard which was mostly all false information so i defended myself by either denying or acknowledging it.

its almost like she was giving me devils advocate advice. we eventually got to a finish point and i said "so as we have talked about my personal life and im truly sorry you heard things down the grapevine and we have talked about it, its actually quite messed up! ex's shouldn't do this, so how is yours then" and she just replied im happy its going really well, im of to bed now i hope everything goes well for you.

i finished off with emails aside i will respect your wishes as off before and not to contact you anymore (she told me not to ring her in the first email, i don't even have her number anyway) and all the best with everything.

i just really want to know any opinion on why the hell did she bring up my personal life and let a conversation happen about it then refuse to talk about hers. its kind of intrusive to me and im now a bit confused. help please.

January 4, 2015

girls are jealous jealous beings.

even if she wants to be with other guys, she will be unhappy with other girls wanting to be with you, or you wanting to be with other girls. typical, she will be obsessing about it.

i would keep going, enjoy any relationships you have, serious or not and ignore her unless she is saying she wants to reconcile. honestly, the more she sees you happy with other girls, the better. she dumped you, so she now needs to know she lost you.

January 4, 2015

Well this is pretty obvious, I think. She was interested in reconciling, then found out you're with someone else, and she had a little explosion of bad feels. What you observed in her emails was essentially her riding that out and eventually reaching a rough landing of, "I need to just stop talking to him." At least it didn't happen in person.

January 4, 2015

don't be certain she was interested in reconciling.

always assume if dumped that they aren't unless they explicitly say so.

they have to be sure, and so desperate they are willing to swallow their pride

January 4, 2015

don't be certain she was interested in reconciling.
always assume if dumped that they aren't unless they explicitly say so.
they have to be sure, and so desperate they are willing to swallow their pride

People can definitely want something while being too cowardly or too proud to confess that desire or try to get it. I am in no way saying that he should get back together with his ex just because she had a jealous meltdown. I'm just saying that jealousy does not happen without feelings of possessiveness and expectation. She does still want him. May not want him in the right ways, or for the right reasons, or more than she wants to protect her own pride/feelings. But jealousy doesn't pop out of thin air. I was just trying to explain why she acted that way. That was why she brought up his personal life and had a bad reaction.

January 4, 2015

hey just an update more stuff has happened. she rang me 2am and we talked for a quite a long time and it was nice i have to say.. a lot of banter and witty conversation. my phone died mid conversation so i just left it.

she then emailed me later that today another long email basically saying she is completely fine to talk about her dating life and im super sorry if i gave you the impression we can only talk about yours. also thanking me for the chat it was nice ( i have told her recently its not necessary and im happy if she is happy that's all i want )

she also said in the email "i'd like it if we were comfortable enough to check in with one another every so often, i don't think its a bad thing to do. so maybe if we do run into each other again in person it wont be so weird" this tone is pretty much repeated throughout the email with different phrasing and her saying its fine alot with the added if you don't want to its fine.

she then said "if you are unsure with anything feel free to ring me and we can clear it up so there are not any miss communications where we think the other person is being a certain way"

she sent me a link to imgur as a nice gesture to the email.

just really confused now i don't get why this is happening suddenly i think its a bit weird but maybe i am being naive about it?

Edited January 4, 2015 by talkatone

January 4, 2015

hey just an update more stuff has happened. she rang me 2am and we talked for a quite a long time and it was nice i have to say.. a lot of banter and witty conversation. my phone died mid conversation so i just left it.

she then emailed me later that today another long email basically saying she is completely fine to talk about her dating life and im super sorry if i gave you the impression we can only talk about yours. also thanking me for the chat it was nice ( i have told her recently its not necessary and im happy if she is happy that's all i want )

she also said in the email "i'd like it if we were comfortable enough to check in with one another every so often, i don't think its a bad thing to do. so maybe if we do run into each other again in person it wont be so weird" this tone is pretty much repeated throughout the email with different phrasing and her saying its fine alot with the added if you don't want to its fine.

she then said "if you are unsure with anything feel free to ring me and we can clear it up so there are not any miss communications where we think the other person is being a certain way"

she sent me a link to imgur as a nice gesture to the email.

just really confused now i don't get why this is happening suddenly i think its a bit weird but maybe i am being naive about it?

I think the translation is: "Now that my jealousy meltdown is over and I have recovered, I would like to go back to pretending like I am totally chill about everything, say that I want you to update me on your personal life, but also insist that I really don't care either way, so that way you will update me about your personal life but it will be set up so that you are clearly wanting to talk with me while I don't care if you do or not. That way I can go back to being the chill neutral one and you can go back to being the one that wants something from me."

That's how I interpret it. Like I said jealousy doesn't pop out of thin air. But bear in mind that just because someone wants you, doesn't mean they want you for the right reasons, or in the right ways. For example someone can want you in a territorial way but not in a genuinely loving way, meaning they don't want you as their lover again but they don't want you to ever completely move on, either, as though you are in some way / to some extent their property.

I don't like the idea of telling people in your shoes that your ex is not interested in you pursuing them at all, because I think most people in your shoes will know differently down in your gut, anyway. I think it's better to approach it like... even if she did want you back, it probably isn't a good thing, and No Contact is probably still your best bet.

January 4, 2015

Dude, stop talking to your ex-girlfriend. Just horrible, horrible, horrible idea.

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Ask ex for coffee?

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