Pinkdisney Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Title pretty much says it all. Was I wrong to get so upset over it? 2.5 year relationship, ex wife was/is a source of constant aggravation but it's been very quiet for months. They had no children, married a few years, divorced years ago. Anyway we were out for the evening and BF had his phone up on the bar and at 11:55 an alert comes in she sent him an email. I instantly say "you know I just saw that" and then I was miffed. 12:07 we leave the bar and I insist on seeing the email, he at first refuses but then shows me. It was letting him know something about a family member he'd met once years ago. Was I wrong in getting mad at the timing of all this? She darn well knows he was with me, although she didn't call or text but I still find the timing to be awful. She still wants a friendship with BF (when she needs or wants something) and he said he doesn't care and he isn't doing anything to initiate the contact.
idoltree Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Was I wrong in getting mad at the timing of all this? She darn well knows he was with me, although she didn't call or text but I still find the timing to be awful. She still wants a friendship with BF (when she needs or wants something) and he said he doesn't care and he isn't doing anything to initiate the contact. Yes, you were wrong in getting mad, and you are damaging your relationship with your boyfriend. I've been in your shoes with a clingy, needy ex-wife who doesn't want him but doesn't want to let go and let him to be happy. Mine had kids involved, so open communication was necessary. It is all insanity producing, I'll give you that! You need to modify your behavior ASAP. First, he cannot control what his ex does and doesn't do. What is the use of getting mad at him or getting in a bad mood, or starting an argument with him as if he could do something about it. In his mind, she contacted him with pertinent information (I know, her relatives shouldn't matter, but we're talking about his perspective), and you are freaking out about it. Second, she wants to drive a wedge between the two of you, and with your behavior, she's succeeding! Stop it. Have confidence in your relationship with your boyfriend and learn to have a sense of humor. The best thing to do when that happened would have been to giggle at the notification and make it into a joke "Oh, honey.... You're so sexy all the ladies wanna connect with you on NYE!" and then grope him and give him a kiss. Basically the polar opposite of what you do now. This has benefits for you by reducing the stress about something neither of you can control, by making her into a joke to him, and by showing him that you have confidence in yourself and his attraction to you that this outside pestering barely phases you. Third, putting him between two emotionally manipulative women is a losing strategy. I say you are manipulative because, yes, it sucks (I can attest to it!) but it's not something he can control! You caused unhappiness to surface on NYE. Make good memories with the man and you will lesson the power she has. Let him see that you think she's silly and she's not a threat to you, and magically, she will become silly and not a threat to you. Or keep doing what you're doing and slowly sabotage the happiness and trust between you and your man. Your choice. 4
Omei Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) While above posts have some points HE CAN control if she contacts him they have no children there is no reason to be talking if she's msging him he obviously allows it. He can block her email/phone simple as that why he hasn't should be your next question Edited January 2, 2015 by Omei 3
idoltree Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 HE CAN control if she contacts him they have no children there is no reason to be talking if she's msging him he obviously allows it. He can block her email/phone simple as that why he hasn't should be your next question He can, but clearly he doesn't want to. That's not something she can control, nor should she try. People are different and have different values, and this will just turn into the usual unproductive thread of "keeping in touch with exes is wrong!!!1!" and "No it's not, I keep in touch with mine!!!1!" and on and on and on. Her reactions are something she can control, and if she wants to stay in this relationship, she'll choose to do that. She may be so stressed out by this stuff (as I said, been there done that) that she doesn't see she has an alternate path she can choose. But if she wants to keep creating misery, then she should leave him and find someone who doesn't keep in touch with exes.
Author Pinkdisney Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Looks like she achieved what she wanted then. She doesn't know that, I mean he didn't reply but yeah I won't lie it bothers me. Yes, you were wrong in getting mad, and you are damaging your relationship with your boyfriend. I've been in your shoes with a clingy, needy ex-wife who doesn't want him but doesn't want to let go and let him to be happy. Mine had kids involved, so open communication was necessary. It is all insanity producing, I'll give you that! You need to modify your behavior ASAP. First, he cannot control what his ex does and doesn't do. What is the use of getting mad at him or getting in a bad mood, or starting an argument with him as if he could do something about it. In his mind, she contacted him with pertinent information (I know, her relatives shouldn't matter, but we're talking about his perspective), and you are freaking out about it. Second, she wants to drive a wedge between the two of you, and with your behavior, she's succeeding! Stop it. Have confidence in your relationship with your boyfriend and learn to have a sense of humor. The best thing to do when that happened would have been to giggle at the notification and make it into a joke "Oh, honey.... You're so sexy all the ladies wanna connect with you on NYE!" and then grope him and give him a kiss. Basically the polar opposite of what you do now. This has benefits for you by reducing the stress about something neither of you can control, by making her into a joke to him, and by showing him that you have confidence in yourself and his attraction to you that this outside pestering barely phases you. Third, putting him between two emotionally manipulative women is a losing strategy. I say you are manipulative because, yes, it sucks (I can attest to it!) but it's not something he can control! You caused unhappiness to surface on NYE. Make good memories with the man and you will lesson the power she has. Let him see that you think she's silly and she's not a threat to you, and magically, she will become silly and not a threat to you. Or keep doing what you're doing and slowly sabotage the happiness and trust between you and your man. Your choice. Very logical and accurate. Ex is a huge troublemaker, is on medication for various issues, but in reality you are correct and she's not a threat, however there is a history there that makes this hard to deal with. I wish I could pity her but I feel by letting it go and joking it makes me accepting of the behavior. While above posts have some points HE CAN control if she contacts him they have no children there is no reason to be talking if she's msging him he obviously allows it. He can block her email/phone simple as that why he hasn't should be your next question He can but honestly if he blocked her she would call from another line, she would not get the hint and THAT would make her happy in some twisted way. Contact is very infrequent lately, so this just threw me for a loop.
Diezel Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 She doesn't know that, I mean he didn't reply but yeah I won't lie it bothers me. She doesn't need to know. It's still obviously working. She directly fired a missile at him, regardless of the lack of a response, it still fazed you... hence, she still got what she wanted even if she didn't find out. Her lack of knowledge of the results doesn't mean that the results aren't valid. 1
Omei Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 He can but honestly if he blocked her she would call from another line, she would not get the hint and THAT would make her happy in some twisted way. Contact is very infrequent lately, so this just threw me for a loop. He can block her there too anyone that doesn't want to be contacted can make that happen. It's just if hes willing or not. If its getting less and less frequent that's good but he does have the power to halt it entirely. 1
preraph Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 She's still after him and looking for any excuse to contact him and do as much damage to your relationship in the process. If they don't have kids, I too would want him to block her.
idoltree Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Very logical and accurate. Ex is a huge troublemaker, is on medication for various issues, but in reality you are correct and she's not a threat, however there is a history there that makes this hard to deal with. I understand that it's hard to deal with. I've been there, and I know how crazy-making it can be. But you can make a choice about hard it is to deal with, and you don't seem to realize that. You have chosen to make this into a huge issue and her into a powerful being who can control your mood. You can just as easily chose to do the opposite. I did it and so can you. My relationship improved tenfold when I finally changed my ways. The BS from the ex continued, but when it happened, I chose to use it to get closer to my boyfriend. I'd laugh and kiss him. Imagine her fury if she knew that despite her best efforts to drive a wedge, it made us more loving and that my boyfriend was less stressed out, and he even started taking her less seriously and thinking of her as a joke. Instead of turning against your boyfriend, turn toward him and give him a big ol' kiss. In the end, isn't that the best revenge against his ex? How about thinking about it like this: on your deathbed, are you going to be lying there thinking "ugh! I can't believe her nerve to send that message!" or are you going to be thinking "I'm glad I enjoyed my days and made my relationship with bf the most loving it can be."? If you want to choose to modify your reaction to her nonsense, then do it. Tell your boyfriend you realize that you've been going about this all wrong, and you want to take a week or two to step back from the relationship so you can figure out how you're going to do it. (a sort of "if this then I'll do that"). Reassure him you're not ending things, just taking time to get your head on straight in what has been an immensely stressful topic for you. He'd be relieved to hear that. I wish I could pity her but I feel by letting it go and joking it makes me accepting of the behavior. No it doesn't. Not at all. I am pretty sure if we could ask your boyfriend whether he thinks you accept her behavior that he'd indicate that you do not. You're pretty clear that you don't accept it. So who else are you trying to prove your point to, exactly? What you can choose to do is to modify your behavior for the sake of your mental health and the sake of the strength of your relationship. That's a smart choice to make. Or you can continue your crusade of righteousness (that makes no one but the ex's life better), but don't be surprised when your relationship collapses as a result. You are choosing to be unhappy and make your relationship unhappy because of the actions of an external party. That's sort of crazy. (Again, I say that with acknowledgement that I understand it's hard to see the forest for the trees right now.) Edited January 2, 2015 by idoltree
Author Pinkdisney Posted January 2, 2015 Author Posted January 2, 2015 Looks like she achieved what she wanted then. She doesn't know that, I mean he didn't reply but yeah I won't lie it bothers me. Yes, you were wrong in getting mad, and you are damaging your relationship with your boyfriend. I've been in your shoes with a clingy, needy ex-wife who doesn't want him but doesn't want to let go and let him to be happy. Mine had kids involved, so open communication was necessary. It is all insanity producing, I'll give you that! You need to modify your behavior ASAP. First, he cannot control what his ex does and doesn't do. What is the use of getting mad at him or getting in a bad mood, or starting an argument with him as if he could do something about it. In his mind, she contacted him with pertinent information (I know, her relatives shouldn't matter, but we're talking about his perspective), and you are freaking out about it. Second, she wants to drive a wedge between the two of you, and with your behavior, she's succeeding! Stop it. Have confidence in your relationship with your boyfriend and learn to have a sense of humor. The best thing to do when that happened would have been to giggle at the notification and make it into a joke "Oh, honey.... You're so sexy all the ladies wanna connect with you on NYE!" and then grope him and give him a kiss. Basically the polar opposite of what you do now. This has benefits for you by reducing the stress about something neither of you can control, by making her into a joke to him, and by showing him that you have confidence in yourself and his attraction to you that this outside pestering barely phases you. Third, putting him between two emotionally manipulative women is a losing strategy. I say you are manipulative because, yes, it sucks (I can attest to it!) but it's not something he can control! You caused unhappiness to surface on NYE. Make good memories with the man and you will lesson the power she has. Let him see that you think she's silly and she's not a threat to you, and magically, she will become silly and not a threat to you. Or keep doing what you're doing and slowly sabotage the happiness and trust between you and your man. Your choice. Very logical and accurate. Ex is a huge troublemaker, is on medication for various issues, but in reality you are correct and she's not a threat, however there is a history there that makes this hard to deal with. I wish I could pity her but I feel by letting it go and joking it makes me accepting of the behavior. While above posts have some points HE CAN control if she contacts him they have no children there is no reason to be talking if she's msging him he obviously allows it. He can block her email/phone simple as that why he hasn't should be your next question He can but honestly if he blocked her she would call from another line, she would not get the hint and THAT would make her happy in some twisted way. Contact is very infrequent lately, so this just threw me for a loop.
MissBee Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 (edited) Title pretty much says it all. Was I wrong to get so upset over it? 2.5 year relationship, ex wife was/is a source of constant aggravation but it's been very quiet for months. They had no children, married a few years, divorced years ago. Anyway we were out for the evening and BF had his phone up on the bar and at 11:55 an alert comes in she sent him an email. I instantly say "you know I just saw that" and then I was miffed. 12:07 we leave the bar and I insist on seeing the email, he at first refuses but then shows me. It was letting him know something about a family member he'd met once years ago. Was I wrong in getting mad at the timing of all this? She darn well knows he was with me, although she didn't call or text but I still find the timing to be awful. She still wants a friendship with BF (when she needs or wants something) and he said he doesn't care and he isn't doing anything to initiate the contact. He isn't the one who emailed her, so no I'd personally not be upset. He can't control her emailing him. He showed you the message. He says he doesn't want to be friends with her and he clearly hasn't initiated this contact. His transparency says it all. So why be upset? IMO it just makes it a bigger deal and then she at least succeeds in getting under your skin, because you're the one most upset about it. I honestly would have just read it and rolled my eyes and shrugged it off and continue on with my night. You are out with him and him you and he wasn't the one to initiate it so her doing that means nothing in the grand scheme of things. Edited January 2, 2015 by MissBee
idoltree Posted January 2, 2015 Posted January 2, 2015 Heard of these sayings?: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Choose your battles wisely. Combine these two and you've got a summary of what people are telling you. You want so badly to prove a point about how wrong his ex is that you're damaging your own relationship. Is it worth it? And - I can guarantee this one because it happened in my own life - take away the power of her actions by drawing closer to your boyfriend, and watch him move over toward your line of thinking. It's magic and it's easy. Don't cling to self-righteousness as the solution to your problems; it's not. If you want to stay with this guy, something's got to give. Looking to him to change his behavior to lessen your own anxiety about his ex is more than any relationship can take and he will build up resentment toward you for it. Instead, show him how fabulous a partner you are by demonstrating that you can change your ways. He will love you all the more for it.
Author Pinkdisney Posted January 3, 2015 Author Posted January 3, 2015 He isn't the one who emailed her, so no I'd personally not be upset. He can't control her emailing him. He showed you the message. He says he doesn't want to be friends with her and he clearly hasn't initiated this contact. His transparency says it all. So why be upset? IMO it just makes it a bigger deal and then she at least succeeds in getting under your skin, because you're the one most upset about it. I honestly would have just read it and rolled my eyes and shrugged it off and continue on with my night. You are out with him and him you and he wasn't the one to initiate it so her doing that means nothing in the grand scheme of things. If the e-mail came any other time than 11:55pm on NYE i'd probably not have had the reaction I did, it was just very unwelcome. Heard of these sayings?: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Choose your battles wisely. Combine these two and you've got a summary of what people are telling you. You want so badly to prove a point about how wrong his ex is that you're damaging your own relationship. Is it worth it? And - I can guarantee this one because it happened in my own life - take away the power of her actions by drawing closer to your boyfriend, and watch him move over toward your line of thinking. It's magic and it's easy. Don't cling to self-righteousness as the solution to your problems; it's not. If you want to stay with this guy, something's got to give. Looking to him to change his behavior to lessen your own anxiety about his ex is more than any relationship can take and he will build up resentment toward you for it. Instead, show him how fabulous a partner you are by demonstrating that you can change your ways. He will love you all the more for it. Thank you and I really do want to try and come to a compromise to keep our relationship moving forward. I do logically know I cannot control the actions of another person and I have to learn to not blame him for an ex who resorts to game playing out of desperation.
guest569 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I'd be mad too if my boyfriend chose to sit there reading an email from his ex instead of spending time with me at NYE 1
hoping2heal Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 I had an ex contact me roughly 2 years post split via e-mail. Neither of us were ever big on using e-mail in the first place to be in contact with one another so I guess I never saw a need to go in and put him on "block". However, the first time he did e-mail I did 2 things; 1. I deleted and never read it followed promptly by 2. putting his e-mail on block. I did not want to bring him into my current relationship or make my SO feel the way you're feeling now. Not sure what your BF's problem is. I wouldn't have been mad if she just e-mailed out of the blue, but I sure as hell would have been if her trying to inject herself into SO's life was a repeated occurance and SO wasn't doing his part to just block her so that couldn't happen.
Brooke02 Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 If the e-mail came any other time than 11:55pm on NYE i'd probably not have had the reaction I did, it was just very unwelcome. If she was REALLY trying to stir the pot with you it would've been a text msg or phone call... Email is the sneaky way to contact him.
idoltree Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Thank you and I really do want to try and come to a compromise to keep our relationship moving forward. I do logically know I cannot control the actions of another person and I have to learn to not blame him for an ex who resorts to game playing out of desperation. I'm bristling at the word "compromise". It's clear you are still hellbent on him changing to make you feel better. He's an adult male, he runs his life in the way that works for him, and treating him as if you know what's best for him is disrespectful and it is not fair. Obviously he wants open lines of communication with his ex. For some reason it's important to him. That does not correlate with having feelings for her. Please get that through your head. This is the reality you have to deal with if you want to stay with him. Your two choices are: Accept the reality and change your reactions, orLeave Do not try to change your boyfriend. It is controlling, manipulative, and not fair. You can get the results that you want (more security in your relationship, lessening of her relevance and importance in his life, and lessening the impact of these communications on your happiness with your boyfriend) simply by changing your reactions. You will not succeed in getting these by changing him to create a lower anxiety situation for you. You may get them temporarily, but you will also gain a resentful boyfriend. Resentment poisons relationships slowly. Stop with the efforts to manipulate your external environment, stop with the "if he loves me he should _____" thoughts, and focus on you. If you find the step of only changing your reactions to a source of stress so abhorrent and wrong, then you need to accept that you have an incompatibility and leave the relationship.
d0nnivain Posted January 3, 2015 Posted January 3, 2015 Who did you get mad at -- her or him? You have the right to be upset but be upset with the correct person (her) & don't take it out on him.
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