He's all of sudden ignoring me!?

[katiemiller]

I met this guy about 2 months ago and we began going on dates, etc. about a month ago. He was perfect. Set up the dates, introduced me to his friends, etc. I also know he is the type of guy who likes to be in a relationship.

 

Again, everything has been great until the past 3 days. He started to not text me as much and I got nervous. Then on NYE, we both had separate plans that we made before we knew each other. He knew how much I wanted to see him afterwards and he ended up ignoring my texts until 5:30 AM on NYE saying he was drunk.

 

I text him the next day saying that if he wasn't interested, he needed to just let me know. I called him and he didn't answer but then text back saying he was scared to answer the phone. I text him back saying I just wanted to talk. He made no effort to text me back and hasn't talked to me since then.

 

I am so confused because everything has been great and even on Tuesday morning, he talked about future plans with me.

 

Am I overreacting and he just needs time or should I count him as a loss and move on?

Edited January 2, 2015 by katiemiller

[InsaneTrombone]

Something happened with him on NYE with someone else.

[idoltree]

Something happened with him on NYE with someone else.

 

Not necessarily. He may have gotten scared off.

 

He started to not text me as much and I got nervous. Then on NYE, we both had separate plans that we made before we knew each other. He knew how much I wanted to see him afterwards and he ended up ignoring my texts until 5:30 AM on NYE saying he was drunk.

He took a step back and she pursued him. She mentions "texts until 5:30 am"; note that means multiple, probably increasingly frantic, texts. He had stepped back, and instead of recognizing that and honoring that space in order to let him want to get in touch with her, she pushed. She pushed and he got pushed.

 

I text him the next day saying that if he wasn't interested, he needed to just let me know.

Instead of sitting and waiting for him to contact, she sent him another text with implied blame and pressure. Unsurprisingly, this pushed him further away.

 

I called him and he didn't answer

Then she escalated by calling.

 

then text back saying he was scared to answer the phone.

Confirmation of all that I've said. Her actions unnerved him to the degree that he started actively avoiding her.

 

Am I overreacting and he just needs time or should I count him as a loss and move on?

Katiemiller, yes, I think you overreacted. You'd been dating for only a month, so your expectations for NYE were set too high. When he backed off, you pursued him, then pursued him more, then pursued him more.

 

You looked to him to solve your anxiety, when you have the ability to solve that for yourself. He'd distanced himself, so it was the worst timing to pursue him like that.

 

Basic dating principle that will save you heartache in the future: if someone backs off, if communication on their end drops, let it. Do not chase and do not pursue. Carry on with your life, do not assign blame, and the likelihood is that they will be in touch. Early on in dating, act like your life was so busy that you barely noticed their absence (i.e. do not blame or punish if/when they contact you.)

 

This step back happens can happen early on in dating. I'm not surprised it happened around the holidays. The message he was sending you is that he didn't want it to feel so serious between the two of you yet as you'd only been dating a month, and that is okay. He's allowed to feel hesitance about how serious things are, since there is a lot of togetherness implied in the holiday season. He wasn't quite ready for that and it probably had nothing to do with his feelings for you. So he was already feeling hesitance about what was developing between the two of you, and then you pursued him relentlessly, and now he's got more reasons to feel hesitance about you - you, specifically. It was all really unnecessary.

 

You have to have confidence in yourself that the guy will show up eventually, and if he doesn't, then he wasn't right for you. If this happens again in your dating life, allow yourself one light-hearted text that provides the guy a way back to you if he wants to take that opportunity, but that is IT. If you're the anxious impulsive sort, make it so you cannot text or call him. Have a friend that you can contact who will tell you "no" when you are tempted to contact the guy.

 

The absolute worst thing that you can do is get entitled to his time/effort, chase him if he backs off, and then blame him for backing off and/or pursue him to demand explanations and talk about your feelings. These things instill terror in men and they will avoid you moreso than they would if you just chilled out.

 

With this guy, drop off the face of the earth. Absolutely, 100%, DO NOT contact him. That's your only hope of giving him space to recover from the immense amount of pressure that you put onto him. You'll most likely have to chalk this one up to learning a lesson about how to read someone's actions and mirror them while you take responsibility for handling the anxiety it brings out in you. Learn that lesson and you'll be in better shape if he comes back or if he doesn't and you get into a relationship with another man.

Edited January 2, 2015 by idoltree

[newlyborn]

Basic dating principle that will save you heartache in the future: if someone backs off, if communication on their end drops, let it. Do not chase and do not pursue. Carry on with your life, do not assign blame, and the likelihood is that they will be in touch. Early on in dating, act like your life was so busy that you barely noticed their absence (i.e. do not blame or punish if/when they contact you.)

 

This step back happens can happen early on in dating. I'm not surprised it happened around the holidays. The message he was sending you is that he didn't want it to feel so serious between the two of you yet as you'd only been dating a month, and that is okay. He's allowed to feel hesitance about how serious things are, since there is a lot of togetherness implied in the holiday season. He wasn't quite ready for that and it probably had nothing to do with his feelings for you. So he was already feeling hesitance, and then you pursued him relentlessly, and now he's got more reasons to feel hesitance about you. It was all really unnecessary.

 

You have to have confidence in yourself that the guy will show up eventually, and if he doesn't, then he wasn't right for you. If this happens again in your dating life, allow yourself one light-hearted text that provides the guy a way back to you if he wants to take that opportunity, but that is IT. If you're the anxious impulsive sort, make it so you cannot text or call him. Have a friend that you can contact who will tell you "no" when you are tempted to contact the guy.

 

The absolute worst thing that you can do is get entitled to his time/effort, chase him if he backs off, and then blame him for backing off and/or pursue him to demand explanations and talk about your feelings. These things instill terror in men and they will avoid you moreso than they would if you just chilled out.

 

this a hundred times over!

 

that was just too much for someone you are just beginning to date. DO NOT CONTACT HIM IN ANY WAY.

[Jules Dash]

this a hundred times over!

 

that was just too much for someone you are just beginning to date. DO NOT CONTACT HIM IN ANY WAY.

 

 

A thousand times over!

[katiemiller]

Thanks guys. I wish I would have just left him alone, but I have deleted his contact info and I am going to back away.

 

I hope it's salvageable at this point, because I really do like him.

 

I'm just confused because in the beginning he was the one who was overbearing and clingy and was so insistant on us hanging out.

[newlyborn]

Thanks guys. I wish I would have just left him alone, but I have deleted his contact info and I am going to back away.

 

I hope it's salvageable at this point, because I really do like him.

 

I'm just confused because in the beginning he was the one who was overbearing and clingy and was so insistant on us hanging out.

 

sadly, the way people act when they are trying to get you to go out with them is a bit different from how they act when they know you are trying to keep them.

 

forgive yourself. it happens. lesson learned. and, if he comes back, do not repeat this behavior. ever.

[KatZee]

A thousand times over!

 

Ten thousand times over!!

 

I read this and got scared. OP take this lesson into future dating partners and never deviate from this plan of action. Ever.

 

Chasing men always results in them running for the hills.

[mmlee]

I guess I will just have to go cold turkey and not contact him. He is away for a week anyway. So hard...

[Danda]

I'm just confused because in the beginning he was the one who was overbearing and clingy and was so insistant on us hanging out.

 

A lot of people put a prospect through a series of little 'tests' in the beginning, and pulling back a bit for a short while to see what happens is a common one.

 

It's not necessarily "game playing" if it's brief and for the right reasons, essentially to see how you react as opposed to trying to get a specific reaction out of you.

 

One of my little 'tests' when getting to know a guy that I make sure to fit in somewhere early on is to respectfully but assertively disagree about something. Nothing huge or serious, and it's easy because people can have a ton of differences, but I want to see how he reacts to it.

 

A guy who has had a super clingy/stalkerish woman in the past might do a little step back test to see if you can be chill and confident about it, or if you have a boatload of insecurity that you've been keeping on the down-low and it all comes exploding to the surface.

 

If someone takes a test too far then they will remove themselves from your radar on their own, so don't even worry about it, since you'll be dodging a bullet without even having to try. I've seen guys on some forums who try to put the "ball in their court" by refusing to text a gal until she texts first. Their threads start counting 3 days... 5 days.. two weeks.. and the woman moves on.

 

And sometimes things can seem to go really well, but the chemistry just isn't mutual and the fade happens. Even when that's the case, though, gotta take it in stride, brush off your shoulders and keep going. I hung out in a 'date' way with a guy twice last year. We had soooo much in common it was almost surreal, even somewhat unusual things, and I knew he wasn't just mirroring me because he was mostly sharing first. Had two really fun evenings hanging out. Then he never spoke to me again.

 

I was pretty bummed for about a week, admittedly, but I wasn't about to keep sending him emails after he ignored the first one, no ma'am.

[writergal]

OP, even though your intentions were genuine I agree with everyone here that by frantically texting him on NYE, you inadvertently spooked him. You write that he knew how much you wanted to see him after NYE. Had you two discussed plans to meetup after midnight on NYE or the next day?

 

If you had arranged to meetup after NYE, then that should have validated his interest level in you enough for you to feel secure and allow yourself to enjoy the time with your friends on NYE.

 

It's also a red flag that he was so clingy and overbearing with you in the beginning. When someone comes on that strong, that fast, it's never a good sign that the connection will last. So that's something to consider the next time you come across a guy you like who shows interest in you. If he comes on strong, take that as a warning sign about his intentions and character. It's always better to take things slow and let everything unfold naturally instead of rushed.

[preraph]

He had plans for that night -- all night. He doesn't want to have to explain himself to you. You also had plans. You need to chill. If you have already told him you are not mad or trying to have a confrontation, then you've done all you can do. If I were you, I'd then leave him alone. But if in maybe 2 weeks something comes up that pertains especially to him that you can comment on in a neutral way, a ball game, a concert, his favorite comedian on the tonight show, do a quickie text "Make sure you don't miss ____." Nothing personal. See if he then relaxes. If not, it's done.

[Chief Wiggum]

You frightened the poor guy away. Whenever girls have given me the "if you're not interested then just tell me" line, it's always annoyed and put me off.

 

Yeah, you messed up, girl.

[TB Rhine]

Word, and I just want to say that all this stuff applies to women, as well. (In other words, it's not always the ladies who freak out at every sign of rejection and end up pursuing even harder to try and compensate for the increased distance).

 

Not necessarily. He may have gotten scared off.

 

He took a step back and she pursued him. She mentions "texts until 5:30 am"; note that means multiple, probably increasingly frantic, texts. He had stepped back, and instead of recognizing that and honoring that space in order to let him want to get in touch with her, she pushed. She pushed and he got pushed.

 

Instead of sitting and waiting for him to contact, she sent him another text with implied blame and pressure. Unsurprisingly, this pushed him further away.

 

Then she escalated by calling.

 

Confirmation of all that I've said. Her actions unnerved him to the degree that he started actively avoiding her.

 

Katiemiller, yes, I think you overreacted. You'd been dating for only a month, so your expectations for NYE were set too high. When he backed off, you pursued him, then pursued him more, then pursued him more.

 

You looked to him to solve your anxiety, when you have the ability to solve that for yourself. He'd distanced himself, so it was the worst timing to pursue him like that.

 

Basic dating principle that will save you heartache in the future: if someone backs off, if communication on their end drops, let it. Do not chase and do not pursue. Carry on with your life, do not assign blame, and the likelihood is that they will be in touch. Early on in dating, act like your life was so busy that you barely noticed their absence (i.e. do not blame or punish if/when they contact you.)

 

This step back happens can happen early on in dating. I'm not surprised it happened around the holidays. The message he was sending you is that he didn't want it to feel so serious between the two of you yet as you'd only been dating a month, and that is okay. He's allowed to feel hesitance about how serious things are, since there is a lot of togetherness implied in the holiday season. He wasn't quite ready for that and it probably had nothing to do with his feelings for you. So he was already feeling hesitance about what was developing between the two of you, and then you pursued him relentlessly, and now he's got more reasons to feel hesitance about you - you, specifically. It was all really unnecessary.

 

You have to have confidence in yourself that the guy will show up eventually, and if he doesn't, then he wasn't right for you. If this happens again in your dating life, allow yourself one light-hearted text that provides the guy a way back to you if he wants to take that opportunity, but that is IT. If you're the anxious impulsive sort, make it so you cannot text or call him. Have a friend that you can contact who will tell you "no" when you are tempted to contact the guy.

 

The absolute worst thing that you can do is get entitled to his time/effort, chase him if he backs off, and then blame him for backing off and/or pursue him to demand explanations and talk about your feelings. These things instill terror in men and they will avoid you moreso than they would if you just chilled out.

 

With this guy, drop off the face of the earth. Absolutely, 100%, DO NOT contact him. That's your only hope of giving him space to recover from the immense amount of pressure that you put onto him. You'll most likely have to chalk this one up to learning a lesson about how to read someone's actions and mirror them while you take responsibility for handling the anxiety it brings out in you. Learn that lesson and you'll be in better shape if he comes back or if he doesn't and you get into a relationship with another man.

[Detectingfreak]

Thanks guys. I wish I would have just left him alone, but I have deleted his contact info and I am going to back away.

 

I hope it's salvageable at this point, because I really do like him.

 

I'm just confused because in the beginning he was the one who was overbearing and clingy and was so insistant on us hanging out.

 

 

Your clingy and are doomed! Im clingy so that why i dont date. I can spot a failure from a mile away and ur a failure physco girl.

[katiemiller]

Thanks everyone.

 

Luckily, he finally text me back after me being silent for the past day. He said he was sorry for ignoring me and I deserved a response.

 

He said I had freaked him out and just needed a few days to himself. I apologized for my behavior and he did too. He said I didn't seem like the type of girl to do that, so he wants to give it another go.

 

I told him I liked him and said that I would like to see us eventually progress, and he agreed.

 

We decided to drop this, but learn from it and we have a date tomorrow night.

[Conners]

Thanks everyone.

 

Luckily, he finally text me back after me being silent for the past day. He said he was sorry for ignoring me and I deserved a response.

 

He said I had freaked him out and just needed a few days to himself. I apologized for my behavior and he did too. He said I didn't seem like the type of girl to do that, so he wants to give it another go.

 

I told him I liked him and said that I would like to see us eventually progress, and he agreed.

 

We decided to drop this, but learn from it and we have a date tomorrow night.

 

That's good news

I would be wary of a guy who did that to me though.

In the future is he just going to go silent when you guys have an argument or disagreement.. it is a form of mental abuse.

[katiemiller]

Conners, I definitely agree. However, I feel like I was in the wrong with how mad I got at him.

 

If it happens again, where the argument was something rational and he ignores me, I will definitely not be upset to lose him.

[newlyborn]

i think it is GREAT that he was honest with you about his feelings and his process. he clearly likes you and also seems mature.

 

my advice to you is to let him initiate the next few get-togethers, let him determine the frequency of communication (you respond only -- and sweetly!) and stay away from any "feelings talk" not initiated by him for the next few dates. that will demonstrate both your interest AND your emotional balance.

 

so happy you got another chance!

[acrosstheuniverse]

Basic dating principle that will save you heartache in the future: if someone backs off, if communication on their end drops, let it. Do not chase and do not pursue. Carry on with your life, do not assign blame, and the likelihood is that they will be in touch. Early on in dating, act like your life was so busy that you barely noticed their absence (i.e. do not blame or punish if/when they contact you.)

 

This is SUCH good advice, I can't believe everybody doesn't do this. The latter part especially. When I was dating I went by this ethos (just naturally because a) I had a lot of guys interested and b) I really was insanely busy in my life at that time), I let things develop at their own pace, and didn't sweat it if a guy stopped texting me or fell through with plans, because I had other stuff to focus on. If someone cancelled on me more than once, I wasn't interested. If somebody failed to follow through with their word, I was less interested and they had to work harder to regain my attention.

 

Someone who has it together, is in demand, and has other commitments to see to is a far, far more attractive partner than somebody who is desperate to see you, blowing up your phone, getting upset with you if you put a foot wrong... it sounds like an obligation more than dating.

 

He flunked on your plan to see one another after midnight NYE. You should have become very quiet then, and done your own thing. When he eventually did get in touch, tell him that you don't appreciate people backing out of plans and not having the courtesy to inform you. And let him redress the balance by explaining what happened and apologising. I would expect nothing less from someone I was dating if we had a plan together, however casual. You teach people how to treat you, and by chasing him desperate to see him and being desperate to find out why he wasn't texting back or answering his phone you just blew it and made yourself seem pathetic.

[acrosstheuniverse]

hmmm. he likely was up to no good. but a month into dating and prior to becoming committed and exclusive with someone, most people are up to no good during NYE...

 

This too. So what if he met another woman on NYE? You've been dating a few weeks and haven't agreed to be exclusive/start a relationship. Until that point he's free to do what he wants and I strongly encourage you act the same way. One great way to stop yourself from focusing unhealthily on one guy you're dating is to date around, and keep dating until you've found someone with whom you want exclusivity. I multi-dated and you wouldn't believe how hard guys chased to try and pin me down when they realised I was in demand and out having fun with other guys, not sitting around waiting for them to text.

[Ieris]

This too. So what if he met another woman on NYE? You've been dating a few weeks and haven't agreed to be exclusive/start a relationship. Until that point he's free to do what he wants and I strongly encourage you act the same way. One great way to stop yourself from focusing unhealthily on one guy you're dating is to date around, and keep dating until you've found someone with whom you want exclusivity. I multi-dated and you wouldn't believe how hard guys chased to try and pin me down when they realised I was in demand and out having fun with other guys, not sitting around waiting for them to text.

 

Exactly, they don't put all their eggs in one basket so neither should you!

[idoltree]

Conners, I definitely agree. However, I feel like I was in the wrong with how mad I got at him.

 

If it happens again, where the argument was something rational and he ignores me, I will definitely not be upset to lose him.

 

I still disagree with others that he was up to no good on NYE. It's irrelevant what he was doing if the two of you aren't exclusive, and I think it's much more likely that he was drunk, you sent him a text or two that made him anxious and he shifted into "oh god, make it stop" mode. That would align with his behavior of giving you another shot. He seems to really like you.

 

Glad to hear he's giving you another shot. I agree that you need to let him lead for a little while; if you do anything that resembles pushing him, you're in trouble. He's going to be hypersensitive and looking for you to slip up.

 

Smile, be confident, let him pursue you, and let him know how happy you are to receive his efforts in dating you ("I love this place you chose", "Aww, thanks so much for the sweet text"). Most of all, get busy with your own life so you have less time to obsess. You could even tell him when you see him that you realized that you overwhelmed him, so you're going to back off for a little while to let the situation equalize, but that you're still interested in seeing where it goes. Otherwise he may wonder why you're not texting first, not suggesting you meet, etc.

 

You are an anxious and clingy sort of person (so are most people on this website, since the anxious/clingy are the ones who seek help). Own it, and learn to modify your behavior so you don't scare people off. As an anxious sort, you are going to be attracted to avoidant men, and they scare really easily.

Take a look at this link. It's more applicable to established relationships, but the principles are the same in dating - do not pursue someone who is moving away from you. Especially don't do this and dump your emotions and feelings about how they are moving away from you while they are moving away. You end up with a terrified person who will get fed up and leave for good.

 

Do choose your battles, do understand the concept of having a time and a place to discuss things. Do as another poster told you and let your LACK OF actions tell the story of how you are feeling. If you drop communication when someone hurts you, they'll pick up on it. This is much better for your cause than the "pursue, pursue, pursue, LOVE ME DAMMIT, YOU OWE ME!, HOW DARE YOU?!!!" that was your NYE style with this guy.

 

Eventually you will become more secure and less anxious by second nature, and you won't have to actively think about this stuff. Remember that even if your head is anxious, it doesn't mean you have to act on it. Choose to self-soothe instead. Even find a trusted friend who can be your dating-anxiety buddy and talk you down when you need it.